‘) WHERE THE GREEN STARS RISE IN THE CAMBRIC SKIES.â€
'The Children’s
Nonsense Book
Tales and Rhymes of Fun, Nonsense,
and Absurdity
BY
FAVORITE FUN-MAKERS
BOSTON
LOTHROP PUBLISHING COMPANY
1895
Copyright, 1895,
See Ye
LOTHROP PUBLISHING COMPANY,
All rights reserved.
CHILDREN’S WONDER Book.
PRESS OF
Rockwell and Churchill,
BOSTON.
TABLE OF CONTENTS.
“BENEATH THE CAamBRIc SKIES . . . 6. . © « «© s « «
Elbridge §. Brooks.
WALLIE AND: THE, JEREEDREDLM cre oye core eee le aes
Agnes Blackwell.
(hae MONKEY CAND THEY OAMBL vate ee ag
Er ORDER NUAN 2 eeoes eee i ui Se ed
Cora Stuart Wheeler.
"Pun Lanp were tin Lazystrp Frars . . . . 3...
Katherine Pyle. ‘
UHR MICKY:Ss: SACRTIRICIGS cite Pe com) ery pe SNe ee
Katherine B. Foot.
Tue Lirrte Rounp-SHouLpERED GIRLS Saree
EES:
Tum Nonsensr MENAGERIE ....... ~~. :
Contributed to by LL. J. Canby, Ethel Farnsworth, Janet
Ashley, Daisy M. Dill, Maggie L. Lee, Margaret C. Tastings.
ane hr Sc OURPRISH “ARTY tac doce Nney i
Lilian Crawford True.
sh: (BARLEY (CANDY, (BOY 2.605209 Se te
Mary E. Wilkins.
WER VEONVESRVIGUTOUSi sh ar savin e cp eit Gk eta erence
Tue Rewarps or Inpusvry ... .. © © © » e « «
Dr. Garneti.
6 TABLE OF CONTENTS,
EET D2 DETSs cx seis eyieace lea Mae ene ears oe acetate Meena era
HE GORY, (GORM GAs = so2,6000 2% pies aiten (east ie Oe ieg see sete
Mec Be
Tue Ginerr-Pop ComMpANY . . © © © © o © @
James B. Marshall.
SDR AMIN Gite Ba a eerie een eis Came enorme ues
O. Herford.
Ae TAL 2 OR OPHES © RESCEND 64 nse eee ee ps
L. L. Robinson.
ANoTHER NoNSENSE MENAGERIE. . . .. .
Contributed to by A. Coe Spencer, Mary Gorning, Margaret
Wood, Sidney A. Merriam, Bertha M. Luney, Alcinda Tim-
berlake, Tom §S. Paulding, Edith A. Hall, Edna Hill.
ENS NUTS ANC Te sce ee rae Seti Acme aim Grea ane rn pale ene
Mrs. J. T. Greenleaf.
LEE ASIEt LET D iiZARD macs sl ete ere ree ei
HE QURENG- OR “POLO: sos seat eee ge) Gen Pak ere alee
Clara J. Denton.
sof PICNIC: Ooi) ie ot See 3 a) esis te a eR el ee a
Ties sic:
In Searcu or No-Worx Lanp . .. . . 0 2 © «
Frances A. Humphrey.
Mi-YAN AND THE PELICAN . . . 2. 2. «© @
From the German, by S. S.
DME e HOSTs1 BROTHER. Soa e sacs 6 gins cals whee IN
Harriet Power.
Shae Me GAGS ON LOR pang cia: Weyer eben imac.
G. Adams.
JK PECTIVE “ORCORATION: 62s) 600 bic ses cok a easy ete
L. J. Bridgman.
136
139
140
144
TABLE OF CONTENTS. °
AC SAVAGE CB RAST Cor Sane tio seed
ACPA ACR 2 et tensa eee acacia canes
Ida Warner Van der Voort.
ENG AC THUNDERSTORM Sl eee
Robert Beverly Hale.
CAPTIVATE D eo hr eee er ake as
L. J. Bridgman.
-Tue Comet ec Tan esac eho ere eee eae ae
Mary E. Stone.
w=ADRS FROM ARCADY <2 20. 6 6 we 4
Mary E. Stone.
Mast AS RMP ER aed. [Gl Sen i acces eeare es
Josephine Balestier.
JOHNNY AND Lirrne Gray Hen . . . .
Margaret Eytinge.
PHbS JOLLY DUGONG 26k Re Ss
Nora A. Smith.
“ CHOLLEMYISSES Jounsine’s†Arriicrep Hoiipay
Sarah Pratt McLean Greene.
PPO OU IONG ue einer oP Sih ee oer tay
Mrs. T. J. Greenleaf.
JACKETY, Pincuo, anp I... .. .
“Waar Mary sar art oun EnrerraInMENt
Henrietta L. Jamison.
Tue Cruisk or tHe Donpurmys . ... .
M. E. B.
CUPP PIR SNENE ore trlot: Weeane ee
Alexander Black.
183
184
187
203
204
206
208
209
8 TABLE OF CONTENTS.
~HicH Tra at Low. Tipz ... =. =: « «
Lilian Crawford True.
—Luz Twenty-Two Botp Honntanpers . .
M. Helen Lovett.
“War tHe Crrcus Dip. . .. . « « «6
M. Er. OB.
Tue Bapy’s MasqueraDE . . . 6 « «© o
Louise Stockton.
-PHR = J OLEY BEGGAR. Sob of ce eo atau s
ON SOMEU STO AMR nth Sn cee ieeee cn ogee on ea a eee
M. E. B.
Tur Roiitickine Mastopon . . . . . -@
: Arthur Macy.
Tue WoopPECKER . . 5 « © «© «© © © e
Mary E. Stone.
As PT ROR ORs NB WS cto. oie ates cel se ae
Margaret Sidney.
Tue CRICKET AND THE Quan . .. .- ©
Elbridge 8. Brooks.
BAS! AVWELT ARID eae one sgtuc td saretn ts oes Nemes Gy
James Pennypacker.
Dit . ied Cae iam dries ects imines
Mary E. Wilkins.
SPM ON ALIA ee, Ce ie se a ae a
Mary E. Stone.
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOR.
BENEATH THE. CAMBRIC SKIES.
HERE the green stars rise in the cambric skies,
And the June-bug carolleth low,
I went for a walk,
I went for a talk,
With the pig (in a wig,)
And a thing-a-ma-jig,
And a calf and a half
And a bumble-bee big —
Now how did I come for to go?
OQ, 0; 0)!
How did he come for to go
With a pig (in a wig,)
9
CHORUS:
10 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
And a thing-a-ma-jig,
And a calf and a half
And a bumble-bee big?
Now how did he come for to go?
Not for gain nor gold did I walk so bold,
Though my funds were fearfully low ;
Not for frolic. fair,
Nor to take the air
With the pig (in a wig,)
And a thing-a-ma-jig,
And a calf and a half
And a bumble-bee big —
Then how did I come for to go?
CHORUS: O72 OO |
How did he come for to go
With a pig (in a wig,)
etc., ete.
O, list to my lay, or I fear you may
Not fathom my riddle-me-ro ;
BENEATH THE CAMBRIC SKIES. 1
"Twas my day to walk,
And my day to talk
With the pig (in a wig,)
And a thing-a-ma-jig,
And a calf and a half
And a bumble-bee big.
And that’s how I came for to go.
CHORUS : O50
Thats how he came for to go
With a pig (in a wig,)
And a thing-a-ma-jig,
And a calf and a half
And a bumble-bee big.
And that’s how he came for to go.
WILLIE AND’ THE “FREEDEEDLE.- .~
NE day Willie was walking
through the woods when he
came to a great hollow tree. He
peeped through the hole, and
thought he would crawl in and see
what a hollow tree was like.
Inside he found a ladder, very
narrow and very steep, but up
and up he climbed till he came to a
little window. Through the glass
he saw a funny little man, with
three eyes, sitting at a round
“THROUGH THE GLASS HE SAW A
FUNNY LITTLE MAN.â€
table eating hislunch. There was a
great brown pie before him, and Willie was very fond of pie.
Then he noticed a little door at the top of the lad-
der, so he knocked very gently: rap-tap-tap-tap !
“Come in!†called the funny little man, and Willie
opened the door and stepped into a little room.
“Who are you?†said the little man.
12
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 13
“Tm Willie, and I came up the ladder. Do you live
here?â€
“Yes; I am a Treedeedle, and this tree is my house.
Won’t you have some lunch?â€
2
“Oh, yes!†said Willie, looking at the big brown pie
and a cake full of little black things, and a big glass
pitcher of lemonade.
“T always have an
‘extra place for a visi-
tor,’ said the Tree-
deedle. “Sit down,â€
and he motioned
toward the vacant
chair. “ Will you have
some pie?â€
“Yes, please,†said
Willie, taking the
empty chair.
“WON'T YOU HAVE SOME LUNCH?â€
So the Treedeedle cut a huge piece of pie and handed
it to. Willie. Willie took up his fork and cut into his
pie, and found it was full of empty spools.
“Oh! my mamma doesn’t make pie out of spools. I
14 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
don’t like spool pie; Tin afraid I can’t eat it,†said
Willie.
“Not eat spool pie!†said the Treedeedle, who was
just finishmg his third slice. “Why, it is delicious. But
perhaps you'd like some cake?â€
“Oh, yes; very much,†said Willie, his eyes growing
bright with pleasure.
So the Treedeedle passed him a large slice of cake,
and Willie broke off a piece and was just going to eat
it, when he saw the little black things were not raisins
but tacks — carpet-tacks !
“Oh!†he said, “my mamma doesn’t put tacks into her
cake; no; I can’t eat tacks.â€
“Not eat tacks!†cried the Treedeedle, munching his
cake with delight. “Why, they are so spicy, and sharp,
and good; and these are particularly large ones. Perhaps
you'd like some lemonade ?â€â€™
“Yes,†said Willie; “I think I should.â€
So the Treedeedle poured out a glass of lemonade, and
handed it to Willie with such a polite little bow that Willie
thought he must be polite, too, and not find so much fault
with the Treedeedle’s lunch.
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 1
But as he lifted the glass to his lips, he smelled kerosene,
and set the glass down very quickly.
“Oh! my mamma doesn’t make lemonade out of kero-
sene,’ said he. “I can’t drink it.â€
“ Not make lemonade out of kerosene!†cried the Tree-
deedle. “Why, yes; one lemon peel to one quart of
kerosene is my recipe. I assure you it is very nice. But
perhaps you would like an egg; Pll ring for one.â€
The Treedeedle picked up a little silver bell and rang:
ding-a-ling, a-ling-a-ling. In came a little man-servant in a
green jacket.
“Hard or soft?†said the Treedeedle, looking at
Willie.
“ Hard,†said Willie.
“¢Number-thirty-four, bring us some hard nee said the
Treedeedle.
The man-servant in the green jacket went out.
“Why do you call him ‘Number-thirty-four’?†asked
Willie.
“ Because that is his name,†said the Treedeedle.
Pretty soon Number-thirty-four came back with a dish
of eggs, and Willie took one. The shell seemed to have
16 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
been taken off, so he bit right into it, and found that it
was lard,—a ball of lard.
“Oh! my mamma doesn’t have eggs made of lard.
Your cooking isn’t like my mamma’s. I don’t think ’m
very hungry, and I think I will go home now; but if
you will come to breakfast with me
some time I will show you what kind
of things my mamma cooks. Bread
and milk, and strawberries, and but-
tered toast, and chicken, and things
like that, you know.â€
“Oh, yes! I know,†said the Tree-
deedle. “TI often have them, too; and
‘‘ NUMBER-THIRTY-FOUR.â€
door-knob stew, and pincushion pud-
ding, and needle tarts, and ice-cream made out of broken
glass and lemons. I should like to take breakfast with
you, though. Perhaps I will go to-morrow; and the next
time you come to see me, I will take you to call on my
friend the Owl, who lives in the next tree. Come goon.â€
“T should like to go to see the Owl,†said Willie, climb-
ing down the ladder.
“Then let’s go and call on him now,†said the Treedeedle.
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 17
“All right. Tve got on my clean dress, so I can go,’
said Willie. |
When they reached the tree where the Owl lived, the
Treedeedle gave a shrill whistle, and down from the tree
came a basket on a rope.
Willie and the Treedeedle got into the basket, and were
drawn up to a great limb. There they saw a little door
standing open. Inside, they found the Owl
sitting at a little desk writing a letter.
“What are you writing?â€
asked the Treedeedle looking
over the Owl’s shoulder.
“Tm writing a letter to
the Man in the Moon; he
sent me an invitation to
dinner. Is this your friend Willie?†i
“Yes; let m2 introduce you to the Owl, «my saw run own
Willie.†WRITING A LETTER�
The Owl shook Willie’s hand with one of his claws, and
said, “Perhaps you and the Treedeedle would like to go
with me to the Man in the Moon’s to dinner. Jl send the
letter after I get there.â€
18 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Of course we'll go,†cried the Treedeedle. “ Willie is
all dressed, and I can dress in a jiffy, if you will lend me a
wash-basin. I forgot to put my wash-basin in my pocket
when I came away.â€
“All right,†said the Owl; “you can go behind that
screen, and I will go behind this screen, and we will dress.â€
So Willie sat down on a little stool and waited while the
Treedeedle and the Owl splashed and scrubbed behind their
screens.
They washed so violently that they dashed the water over
the screens and sprinkled the whole room. Then the Owl
curled all his feathers with a curling-iron in the latest style.
“Now for the paper collars!†cried the Owl. “ We can’t
be dressed without paper collars. Tl lend you and Willie
each one.†—
Willie didn’t think he needed a paper collar, but he did
not want to hurt the Owl’s feelings, so he let the Treedeedle
and the Owl put on his collar for him, and it came way up
around his ears.
“How are we going to get to the moon?†asked Willie.
“Oh! I have a comet tied to my back fence,†said the
Owl, “and he will take us there.â€
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE., 19
Willie had never seen a comet; so he followed the Owl
and the Treedeedle out into the Owl’s back yard with a
good deal of curiosity.
The comet looked like a big star switching a long fiery
tail. They all got on the comet’s back; first the Owl, then
the Treedeedle, and then Willie.
“Now hold on tight,†said the Owl, untying the comet
from the fence; and away they went like the wind, straight
for the moon. Willie held
on to the Treedeedle’s coat-
tails, and they went so fast
it almost took his breath
away,
ae When
they reached
“THEY GOT ON THE COMET’S BACK, AND AWAY THEY WENT LIKE the
THE WIND.â€
moon
: . the comet
stopped, and they got off his back and walked up a lit-
tle yellow path to a yellow house, and knocked on the
little yellow door: rap-tap-tap-tap.
A little yellow man, with a great many brass buttons on
his clothes, opened the door and asked them to walk
upstairs.
20 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
The Man in the Moon was waiting for them on the roof
of the house, which was flat like a veranda. He was a
very round little man, with a round, shining face like a
full moon. The dinner-table was all ready, set with gold
plates, and gold spoons, and gold cups, and gold knives and
forks.
“T’m delighted to see you; delighted! Sit down and
have some oysters,†cried the Man in the Moon.
Willie looked at his plate, but did not see any oysters;
nothing but some little pieces of green cheese.
After they had eaten their cheese, the Man in the Moon
called to the little man im buttons to bring the soup. — So
the plates were all changed, and in came the soup.
Willie looked into his. plate, but all he saw was a little
green cheese in the bottom of the soup plate.
“Well, that’s funny,’ thought Willie; but he saw the
Treedeedle and the Owl were eating their cheese, so he
ate his.
“Now we'll have some chicken,’ said the Man in the
Moon. |
“That is nice; I like chicken,†said the Owl. But when
the plates were brought in, Willie saw that each one had a
square piece of green cheese and nothing else.
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. . ai
“ Any way, this is better than the Treedeedle’s lunch,â€
said Willie to himself; “but I wish they would have some-
thing different.â€
‘THEY CAUGHT ALL KINDS OF STRANGE THINGS.â€
But though the Man in the Moon spoke of the salads, and
strawberries and cream, and ice-cream, and plum-cake,
22 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
and candy, and nuts, and raisins, and all kinds of good
things, Willie saw that they were only pieces of green
cheese of different sizes.
“Tet’s go fishing,†said the Man in the Moon, after din-
ner was over.
“How jolly!†said the Owl. “Where shall we go?â€
“To the Milky Way,†cried the Man in the Moon.
So off they started, with long fishing-rods over their
shoulders till they came to the Milky Way; it was tum-
bling along like a river of milk.
The Man in the Moon ‘had a little raft, and he rowed
them all out into the middle of the stream to fish.
They caught all kinds of strange things. First the Owl
caught a pair of rubber boots, then the Treedeedle caught
a pair of boxing-gloves, then the Man in the Moon caught
an umbrella, and then Willie caught a diamond crown,
which sparkled and glittered like a row of stars.
“Oh, how beautiful!†cried the Treedeedle; “you
must be a king. Let’s all put on the things we have
caught.â€
~ So the Treedeedle put on his boxing-gloves, and the Owl
put on his rubber boots, and the Man in the Moon put up his
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 23
umbrella, and Willie put the diamond crown on his curls,
and they started for the house of the Man in the Moon.
“T must go home quickly, for I am going to a ball at the
Mud Turtle’s to-night,†said the Owl.
“~HEY STARTED FOR THE HOUSE OF THE MAN IN THE MOON.â€
They looked all about for the comet to take them home,
but as the Owl had forgotten to fasten it to the Man in the
Moon’s hitching-post, it had gone off.
“How shall we get home?†cried the Treedeedle.
“Let's fly,†said the Owl; and he flapped his wings and
flew off toward home.
“Oh! I can’t fly,†cried Willie.
“ You will have to jump,†said the Man in the Moon.
24 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“ All right; good-by! Come, Willie, take my hand,†said
the Treedeedle.
So Willie took the Treedeedle’s hand, and together they
jumped.
Willie looked down and saw something sailing below
them, and when they got nearer they saw that it was a
balloon, and as it was directly beneath them they tumbled
into it.
The balloon was manned by a big black pussy cat with
green eyes.
“What do you mean by jumping into my balloon?†asked
the Black Pussy Cat, as Willie and the Treedeedle came
tumbling into the basket.
“We did not mean to,†said the Treedeedle; “but you
were in our way, so we had to fall m. Won’t you take us
home in your balloon?â€
“JT haven’t time,†said the Black Pussy Cat. “Tm on
my way to the Mud Turtle’s ball; you can go with me if
you like, and I will take you home after the ball is over.â€
“Let's go,†said the Treedeedle to Willie.
“ All right,†said Willie; and away they sailed with the
Black Pussy Cat.
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 25
The Mud Turtle lived by a pond, under a willow-tree, and
as it was getting rather dark, the bushes, and grass, and
trees were all lighted up with fireflies, that snapped and
sparkled like electric lights, and made the place as bright
as day.
The guests were sitting about on stones. There was the
Owl in his rubber boots, and he winked one big eye at Willie
when he saw him come in with the Black Pussy Cat and the
Treedeedle.
Then there was a big grasshopper, and a robin, and a
field-mouse, and a bull-frog, and a blue butterfly, and ever
so many others.
The Mud Turtle was in the centre, shakitig hands and
talking with everybody.
Then the music struck up.
“Choose your partners for a hopity-kick waltz!†shouted
the Mud Turtle.
Willie looked up to see where the musicians were, and
saw them sitting on the branches: two thousand mosquitoes,
humming and buzzing a waltz as loud as they could sing.
Then the Bull-frog came and asked Willie to dance.
Wille saw the Black Pussy Cat dancing with the Mud
26 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Turtle, and the Grasshopper waltzing with the Field-mouse,
and they seemed to be having such a gay time that he
thought he would dance too.
The Bull-frog
hopped and leaped
about so fast that
Willie had hard
work to keep up
with him.
“The one: who
dances the long-
est wins the
prize,’ shouted
the Mud Turtle.
First the Mud
Turtle got tired
out and stopped,
then the Field-
mouse and the
Rabbit, then the
‘““THE TREEDEEDLE THREW OFF HIS BOXING-GLOVES AND
UNBUTTONED BIS COAT.†Robin, and then
the Blue Butter-
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 27.
fly, and all the others, one by one, till only the Grass-
hopper and the Treedeedle were left.
They danced and danced, and hopped and twirled, till
the room fairly seemed to Willie to whirl too.
Then the Treedeedle threw off his boxing-gloves and
\ [fe - :
ae aan
: VOR
Ge
Ga
“ PHREE CHEERS FOR THE TREEDEEDLE!â€
unbuttoned his coat, and danced faster all the time, till
at last the Grasshopper fell down in a faint, and they
had to bring him to by rubbing him down with a clothes-
brush.
28 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
By that time everybody was shouting: “Hurrah for
the Treedeedle!†“Three cheers for the Treedeedle!â€
“The Treedeedle has won the prize!â€
The Owl and the Black Pussy Cat hoisted him on to
a board, and carried him round the room.
' ‘Then the Mud Turtle brought in the prize, which was
a hand-organ, and then they all cheered again, and the
Treedeedle played them a tune on his organ.
“Now for the refreshments,’ cried the Mud Turtle;
and they brought in a great wash-boiler full of molasses
candy, and each one took a big spoon and dipped it into
the boiler and began to eat.
Presently Willie noticed the Blue Butterfly sitting on
the fence, eating his lunch all by himself out of a little
tin dinner-pail.
“Why don’t you come and eat with us?†asked Willie.
“T don’t like molasses candy, so I always bring my
own lunch,†said the Blue Butterfly. .
Willie looked to see what the Butterfly had for lunch,
and saw that he had brought five sausages all on a string.
After they had finished the molasses candy, and scraped
the boiler nice and clean, the Treedeedle said it was time
WILLIE AND THE TREEDEEDLE. 29
to go home; so they all shook hands with the Mud
Turtle and. told him what a good time they had had.
“T’m coming to see you, Willie,†said the Mud Turtle.
“That will be nice,’ said Willie. “TI will show you
my playhouse.â€
“Oh!. TI come too,†said the Owl.
“And I,†said the Black Pussy Cat.
“Can’t I come too?†cried the Blue Butterfly.
“And 1?†asked the Grasshopper.
“T am coming,†said the Robin.
“Tm coming too,†croaked the Bull-tfrog.
“ All right,†said Willie; “perhaps my mamma will let
me have a birthday party and invite you all.â€
“Wurrah! hurrah! We are all going to Willie’s birth-
day party!†cried everybody.
Then the Black Pussy Cat and the Treedeedle climbed
into the balloon and pulled Willie in after them, and
very soon they stopped at Willie’s front gate and let
him out. |
“Good-by?. I’ve had a beautiful time,’ said Willie,
“and now I’m going in to tell my mamma all about it.â€
Le
SW yp ) 7
gsi) Se |
awery b
Uys" he
ha
A
3o
THE MONKEY AND THE CAMEL.
NCE upon a time, so the fable runs, the Beasts
of the forest gave an entertainment at which
the Monkey stood up and danced. Having vastly de-
lighted the assembly, he sat down amidst universal
applause. The Lion cried “Encore, encore!†the Hippo-
-potamus showed every tusk he had, in delight. But the
Camel, envious of the praises bestowed upon the Monkey,
and desirous to divert to himself the favor of the guests,
proposed to stand up in his turn and dance for their
amusement. He moved about in so utterly ridiculous a
manner, that the Beasts in a fit of indignation set upon
him with clubs and drove him out of the assembly.
3r
THE PEDLER-MAN.
IG Iva Bran
Was a pedler-man,
Who cabbages cried,
From Beersheba to Dan.
“Cabbages crisp, and curled and green!â€
He cried at the kitchen door of the Queen.
The Queen came out,
For she liked sauer kraut,
To find what the noise
Was all about.
The Queen came out, and she tossed her head;
“Tis lettuce you have,†at last she said,
«“ And you yourself are the ‘cabbage-head’!â€
Big Ira Bran
Was a sorrowful man,
As he went to Beersheba
Back from Dan.
32
THE LAND WHERE THE LAZY-
BIRD FLAPS.
AID John to Peter one day: “I
hear
There’s a land in the West, and it
lies quite near,
Where hot tarts grow on the tartlet-
tree,
And roasts are as tame as they can
be.
“There's a golden mist on every-
thing ;
The No-works play in the sand and (orn ana Peter pluck the
sing ‘ hot tarts from the tartlet-
Oo? . . tree and watch the No-
The grass is green and the sun shines — works on the golden
es ht sand inthe land where
S 2 the laazybird flaps.)
And there’s never a storm by day
or night ;
33
(John and Peter are pursued by the
duty-beast.)
“For the lazybird flaps above
all day,
And blows the tempests and
rain away.
Oh! come, let us sail to that
beautiful land
Where the No-works play on
the golden sand.â€
So they set their sails and
they bore away
Till they came to the spot
where the island lay —
To the beautiful island down
in the West,
To the land where the lazy-
bird builds its nest.
34
THE LAND WHERE THE LAZYBIRD FLAPS. 38
In that beautiful land where the skies are clear,
Did John and Peter live for a year;
And they feasted on feasts that were fit for a king,
While they learned the song that the No-works sing.
But John and Peter one morning awoke,
And cold and stormy the dawning broke ;
The wind was shrill and the skies were gray,
For the lazybird—it had flown away.
And while they stared, from the windy East
Came gnashing and growling the Duty-beast!
A most terrible beast he was to see,
And he caught them both by the wild-tart-tree.
He bore them away to his grewsome den —
Ah! they'll never escape from those rocks again;
From those rocks where only at night, poor things,
Can they dream of the song that the No-work sings. -
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE.
ERMICKY lived in the little house by the gate, and a
long, wide, smooth road with a good many turns in it
and great trees on either side led to Sam’s house, which was
a very big house with a beautiful green lawn all round it,
and with a great many bright flower-beds dotted about in it.
Jermicky’s name was really James Hickey, shortened to
Jim Hickey and finally into Jermicky by Sam Floyd. He
and Jermicky were exactly the same age to a day, and they
were five years old apiece. They were the best of friends,
although they did quarrel occasionally; and all summer
long, and in good weather in winter, Sam and Jermicky
were either together or not very far apart on the broad road
that led from one house to the other; or else in Sam’s play-
room, where there was everything to play with; or in
Jermicky’s woodhouse, where there was nothing meant for
them to play with, but which they much preferred.
On the very hot summer day when Jermicky made his
great sacrifice, both boys were busy building a stone wall
round a small tree near the woodshed. The men on the
place were busy building a wall round the lower garden,
36
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 37
and as the boys always did just what the men did —so far
as they could—they at once began a very fine wall which
was to go round the little tree, leaving a good space inside
for Jermicky’s bull-pups to live in.
These bull-pups were tivo just as delightful little baby
dogs as one could find anywhere. The man who gave
them to Jermicky had brought them and their three
brothers in a carpet bag. They were six weeks old,
HOW THE PUPS CAME TO JERMICKY.
with little heads that were almost round, and little twink-
lmg eyes, and very sprawling and unwieldy paws that
looked a great deal too big for them and that never seemed
to help them to walk m exactly the way they wanted to go.
38 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Mrs. Hickey tried to keep them in a box in the corner of
the woodshed, but they would tumble out and scramble up
the two steps into the kitchen, and Mrs. Hickey was always
tumbling over them, and they were very soft and squashy to
step on—and they yelped awfully whenever they were
stepped on, and then Mrs. Hickey always squealed, and
Jimmy roared because he didn’t want the puppies hurt, and
all that noise was sure to wake the baby and then she
“yowled†too. That was what Jermicky said: “She
yowls ’cause she’s a gurrul, — boys holler and gurruls yowl.â€
Well, certainly all this was enough to make Mrs. Hickey
declare that the little dogs must be put outside somewhere,
and that was the reason the boys wanted to make the pen
round the tree.
They each had an express wagon, and they drew them
down to the road where the men were working, and picked
up little stones that were chipped off the big ones that were
used in the wall, and took them back to their little tree ;
but Jermicky’s stones rattled out after he put them in,
~ because his wagon had no tail-board. It did once have one,
but it never was as good as Sam’s: it wouldn’t go out and
in with the pins like a real tail-board; the cart didn’t
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 30
tip up either, and Sam’s did. Jermicky looked with envious
eyes at Sam, who had a good load at the end of every trip;
and when he pulled the pins from the tail-board and took
the tail-board out, and took out the pin on the handle, and
tipped up his wagon and shot out his load just as if it
had been a real cart — then Jermicky felt that he couldn’t:
bear it any longer.
“Say, lem’me have your cart, will you?†he said.
“No,†said Sam, marching sturdily off for another load,
“T want it myself.â€
“JT want it too,†said Jermicky.
“Well, you can’t have it,†said Sam ; “ it’s mine.â€
Just at that minute Mrs. Floyd came driving down the
avenue on her way to the village. She stopped a minute.
“What—not quarrelling, I hope,’ she said; “what’s
the trouble?â€
“He wants my cart, mamma, ’cause it’s got a tail-board
and his hasn’t, and I want it too.â€
“Ah, well,’ said Mrs. Floyd, “you must be kind and
make a sacrifice. Come; you take Jermicky’s cart, and let
him use yours-sometimes. You know you play in Jer-
micky’s woodshed and he lets you.â€
40 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Sam looked at his mother a mimute and then said
solemnly :
“T don’t want to saccerfize,—it don’t take two men to
run a wagon, and Jermicky’s woodshed holds me and him
and the pups.â€
“Never mind,†said Mrs. Floyd, smiling. “You know
Jermicky needn't let you in there to play with him and the
pups if he don’t want to.â€
“Well,†said Sam, with a long sigh, “I s’pose if he’s
determined to, he can take hold the other side o’ the handle
and help pull.â€
“No,†said Jermicky, decidedly ; “I want to take out the
tail-board and tip the loads my own self.â€
“Now bea kind boy, Sam, and lend it to him,†said his
mother.
And Sam said, “ Well—once—he may drag it once —
and Ill get in and drive the horse down to the gate.â€
“ All right,†said his mother, and Sam climbed up the
low step and in beside her.
Just then Mrs. Hickey came to the door with the baby in
her arms.
“Good-morning, ma’am,†she said, “ it’s only a little tiff
they’ve been havin’ —they’re mostly good friends.â€
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 41
“ How’s the baby?â€
“Splendid, ma’am—see,†and Mrs. Hickey stepped to
the side of the carriage.
“Isn't she big!†said Mrs. Floyd, admiringly; “why,
she’s much larger than my boy, and he’s two weeks older.â€
“Ts she then?†said Mrs. Hickey, with great satisfaction.
“Perhaps we'd better change,†said Mrs. Floyd, “as
I've six boys and you’ve five girls and only one boy,†and
she gave Jimmy a little tap with the whip she held in her
hand.
“Could you spare the baby, Jimmy ?â€
“T dun’no,†he said, thoughtfully.
“Ours is a boy, you know,†said Mrs. Floyd, “and then
you'd have him to play with by and by.â€
“ But ours is the biggest,†said Jermicky.
“T don’t think he wants to let her go, Mrs. Hickey,†said .
Sam’s mother. “TI don’t think we can exchange to-day,â€
and she gathered up her reins.
“TI like girls best,†said Sam; “there’s too many boys
at our house.â€
“That's what Mr. Floyd says,†said his mother; and
then they drove off.
42 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Sam was gone a good while, for he concluded to go
down to the village with his mother, and Jermicky hauled
several loads of stones, and when Sam came back and
wanted his own cart it seemed very hard to give it up,
and beside, he had a fine plan in his head.
“Sam,†he said, “now I’m goin’ to tell you somethin’.
How wud yer like my baby for your baby, an’ you
gimme your cart for my cart?â€
Jermicky stood opposite Sam, his hat pushed back on
his head, a very determined expression on his freckled
face, and a fist on each hip, and his feet stretched widely
apart.
“My cracky!†said Sam, staring at him, “I donno!â€
“Yer see,†said Jermicky, “me mother likes byes best,
an’ yer mother likes gurruls best — and moine’s the
biggest uv thim two, an’ so Td orter have the best cart
when I give yer the best baby —vyer see?â€
Sam still stared at him.
“Well,†he said slowly, after a while, “I’d like the
- girl—but girls, you know†—and he put his head on.
one side and looked meditative — “well, there ain’t any
girl as good as boys, an’ our baby’s a— well, he’s a
JERMICKY MAKES A STARTLING PROPOSAL.
44 THE CHILDREN’S. NONSENSE BOOK.
boy. No, I don’t think I'd give you the cart for her.
I might,’ he said, leaning his cheek on his hand, with
his elbow on his knee as he sat with his back against
a tree,—“I might, you see, if the cart didn’t have a
tail-board; an’ it tips up, too.â€
Jermicky looked utterly disconsolate. Presently he had
a happy thought.
“Does your baby yell nights?†he asked.
“You just better b’lieve he does,’ said Sam; “he
wakes me up.â€
'ANl right,†said Jermicky, artfully; “our gurrul, she
don’t yell, an’ so yer see yer’s be quitter like, nights.â€
“That's so,†said Sam; “an’ my father likes girls,
too— yes, he does,’ he said; and Sam lifted his head
and looked Jermicky in the eye. “He said if I’d been
a girl he’d give me a pony — but I wouldn’t, Jermicky
—I really wouldn’t. I’m just too crazy to wear breeches
on my legs.â€
“Well,†said Jermicky, decidedly, “yer know if yer
-don’t have a gurrul in your house some time — p’raps
yowll have to be one.†os
This awful prospect was almost too much for Sam, but
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 45
he still shook his head. “I couldn’t do it,’ he said.
Then he got up and took hold of the handle of his wagon.
Jermicky despaired — he resolved instantly, and with-
out thinking of it before, to make his great sacrifice.
“Say, hold on!†he said; “Tl tell yer what Pll do,
Sam. [Il give yer the littlest bull-pup!â€
Sam dropped the handle. “ Will yer, honest ?â€
“Yes—see me turn black if I don’t!†said Jermicky.
The bull-pups were sound asleep in the box in the
wood-house, cuddled close together, and they gave sharp
yelps of dismay when they were suddenly hauled out
and held up in the air, their poor, sleepy little heads
rolling round in a very aimless way.
“T’ll have this one,†said Sam.
“T guess!†said Jermicky, indignantly; “he’s the
biggest.â€
“Oh, is he?†said Sam.. “Well, gimme the other,
then.†And he put down the one he held.
Jermicky put the puppy in his arms, and Sam hugged
it tenderly, and the puppy whined and struggled.
“Oh!†said Sam, “he’s as slippery as — as anything.
Say, you take the puppy an’ I'll take the baby.â€
46 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Take the baby!†said Jermicky; “you bring yours
first.†;
“Hey!†said Sam. “What's the use? Then I'll have
to walk up to the house twice and back. There’s your
baby out in the wagon now. We'll roll her up an’ take
her out, an’ put ours in up there, an’ you'll roll it
home.â€
“All right,†said Jermicky. “ An’ we'll leave the cart
here.â€
“Yes,†said Sam; “we'll leave both carts, and I can
get mine to-morrow.â€
Jermicky looked puzzled. ‘“ You mean mine — my cart
without any tail-board—don’t you, Sam?†he asked,
anxiously.
“Yes, of course,†said Sam. “Come on, now; [ll
push the haby.â€
So he reached up to the handle, and gently pushed
the baby-wagon off the little grassy place where it stood,
into the roadway.
It gave just a little jar to the carriage, and Miss
Maggie Hickey woke up. She was a very nice, round,
good-natured baby, between four and five months old,
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 47
and, as Mrs. Hickey said, “It’s always good-natured that
she wakes up.†So Jermicky, trotting along beside her,
saw her blue eyes open at first with a sleepy look, but
in the next second a bright smile came all over her face,
as she saw the little brother she knew so well leaning
over her.
“Nice, good baby,†said Jermicky. “Want to take a
ride now?â€
The baby threw up her arms, and gurgled away, half
to herself and half to Jermicky, and Sam pushed the
carriage steadily on. Little gleams and flickers of sun-
shine came filtermg down between the leaves and boughs
of the trees above them, and made bright, ever-changing
patches of light on the blue blanket over baby. A
gentle little breeze just lifted the rings of reddish hair
over her forehead, for her cap was very much pushed
back on her head; and a prettier, happier-looking baby
it would have been hard to find anywhere.
Just then Mrs. Hickey looked out of the door.
“Where’re ye goin’?†she said. “If yer’re goin’ to ride
the baby out, be careful and not go fast, an’ don’t go
out o’ sight.â€
48 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Then she went in; for she was busy, and she was
only too glad to have the boys roll the baby-carriage up
and down under the trees, for they had often done it
before. They went on until they turned the first curve
in the road.
“ Jermicky,†said Sam, “won't she be s’prised when
you bring back our baby?â€
At this speech, for the first time a dreadful doubt
entered Jermicky’s head; he wondered if his mother
would like another baby quite as well as this one.
“T dun’no,†he said. “Does your baby know you
when you talk?â€
“T guess!†said Sam; “just as well as anything.â€
“As well as this?†said Jermicky; and he held the
puppy hugged fast to his neck with one hand while he
put the other over the baby. She at once grabbed one
of his fingers with a fat little hand. “See!†he said,
with pride, “ain’t she just cunnin’?â€
Just then the puppy began ‘a series of short, ear-split-
-ting yelps; and the baby, frightened out of all propriety,
burst into a private wail of her own.
“Oh, my cracky!†said Sam, “are they both going
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 49
to yell like that— both together? ’cause that'll give my
mother a headache.†And a dreadful doubt also came
into Sam’s head —but he looked lovingly at the puppy.
“Now, there—there—now, don’t cry!†said Jer-
micky, soothingly, to the baby. “Now —now be a nice
baby. Stop, you puppy!—Stop!†and he hugged and
squeezed the puppy tighter, which made him yelp all
the more.
“Oh, dear! dear!†said Jermicky; and real, big tears
ran down his cheeks. “P’raps—p’raps she’s homesick.â€
Sam dropped the handle, and came round and looked
into the carriage with grave concern. “Do you s’pose
so? Say, baby, here! Hi, now, hi!â€
But the baby cried on; and who could blame her!
She was scared half to death, poor little thing!
“Sam,†sobbed Jermicky, “TI1—MTIl make a saccerfis
—and you can keep your old ’spress-cart, and [ll keep
the baby, an’ the pup too.â€
“Oh!†screamed Sam, in dismay; “you ain’t goin’
back on the pup, are you? Gimme the pup, an’ I don’t
care for the baby. Tl keep my own baby.â€
But Jermicky was firm. “I couldn’t do it,†he said.
50 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Sam stamped his foot. “Fellers never break off bar-
gains,†he said.
“Tm a-gom’ home,†said Jermicky; and, with the
puppy in one arm, he tried with the other hand to turn
the wagon about. .
Sam made a plunge for the puppy, and for a minute
the usually quiet road was the scene of a very noisy
combat. The puppy yelped; the baby screamed; Sam
and Jermicky roared as they pommelled one another ;
the dust flew; and how it would have ended no one
can tell, for just at that minute Sam’s brothers, Will
and Ned, appeared round a turn in the road.
“See ’em at it!†cried Will; and he and Ned ran to
separate them.
“What's the matter?†they both inquired as each
held a ramping, yelling boy fast by the shoulders. The
puppy was dropped in the struggle, and ran home as
fast as it could, yelping all the way, while Sam and Jer-
micky explained the situation both Rogelicr and at the
top of their voices.
“JT wanted — his — his — old ’spress cart,†said Jermicky.
“ An’ —an’ he wanted our baby, an’ he said—syes, he
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 51
did too—he said he’d gimme his baby an’ a bull-pup, an’
I said I would—vwe’ve got too many boys—you know
papa said so—an’ then I went an’ got his old baby
way up here an’ he says ‘cause she hollers she’s home-
sick —an’ now he won’t—won’t gimme the bull-pup.â€
“Oh, Christopher Columbus!†said Will, doubling over
with laughter, “they've been swapping the babies, with a
bull-pup to boot.â€
“ An’ a ’spress cart — my ’spress cart,†said Sam eagerly ;
“it’s got a tail-board— an’ our baby — you know, Will,
he’s a boy baby — he’s better’n this —she’s only a girl.
Now,†he said, turning to Jermicky, “now you can take
your old baby home. I won't do it either!â€
“Oh! just hear him,†said Will. “Anybody would
think he owned our baby.â€
“So I do,†said Sam, nodding his head and his curls
so that the brim of his broad hat waved up and down,
—“so I do—but I shan’t change him now. I was
gomg to make a saccerif—’cause mamma said I ought
to, but I won’t now.†And he turned on his heel and
marched home as fast as he could go.
Will. and Ned wheeled the baby back to her proper
52 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
home, and Jermicky ran before them, crying as loud as
he could. He burst into the kitchen and flung himself
at his mother, who happened to be making bread at the
kitchen table. He clasped her round the knees and
sobbed and roared. :
“What in the world’s the matter, Jimmy?†she asked.
“T brought her all back—TI didn’t sell her,’ he
sobbed.
“Who—what—the baby?†said Mrs. Hickey, trying
to get the dough off her hands. “Where is she?â€
Just then she saw the baby all safe in her carriage —
by that time quite smiling and happy, and Will and Ned
behind her, laughing very hard. They told her the story
as far as they knew it, and then Mrs. Hickey taverns
till she cried.
But all that was nothing to the sensation Sam created
when he tore into the nursery at home, banged both the
doors and tried to shoot the bolts, and then threw him-
self on the bed where the baby was placidly taking a
morning nap, screaming, “I’m awful sorry —I was goin’
to sell him—an’ I don’t like bull-pups at all.â€
The baby woke up and cried—the nurse scolded Sam
JERMICKY’S SACRIFICE. 53
and shut him up in the next room, and there he roared
till he was tired, for his mother was out; and until the
boys came home, breathless and laughing, no one knew
what the trouble was. Then Sam was called out and
‘YOU SEE, WE LIKE GIRLS BEST,†SAID SAM’S FATHER.
comforted and made quite sure that no one was going to
hold him to his bargain, and as he found Will had
brought home his cart —tail-board and all—he was soon
BA THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
happy again. But he left the cart at home when he next
went to play with Jermicky.
Sam sat in his father’s lap that night and told the
story and kept his head down all the time, which was
very lucky for Mr. Floyd, for he couldn’t help laughing
a little then; and afterwards when he sat on the piazza
with Mrs. Floyd after Sam had gone to bed he laughed
very much; but all he had said to Sam was: “ Well, you
see we like girls best if they come to our house first; but
if they don’t, why, we like the boys best that we have
right here,’ —and he gave Sam a good hug.
“Did you want the bull-pup very much, Sam?†he
asked.
“T wanted him most awfully much,†said Sam.
But a week after Sam ceased to long for a bull-pup,
for one day a Scotch terrier came in a box to their
house, and his name was Pepper. .
Pepper and the bull-pups grew up in peace — possibly
it was because they lived in different houses and saw
but little of one another; and Sam and Jermicky grew
up in peace, although they saw a great deal of one
another, but neither of them will ever forget the day
when they each made a great “ saccerfize.â€
THE LITTLE ROUND-SHOULDERED GIRLS.
N San Rafael,
As [ve heard tell,
From early until late,
Three maids are there,
Who, sweet and fair,
Will yet not sit wp straight.
*Twould. make you weep,
Aye, lose your sleep,
To watch those children three;
- Hen strangers sigh
In passing by —
Such shoulders round to see.
55
56
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK,
Teachers severe
Go wild, my dear,
To make them sit upright;
- In vain they storm,
For each small form
Remains a perfect fright!
This is the way,
Some future day,
These children will appear ;
Crooked and old,
And each a scold —
Thus they will look, my dear!
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE.
HE marvellous animals in this Nonsense Menagerie
were collected by children in the jungles of fancy
and the forests of imagination. The descriptions, which
out-Barnum Bailey in wealth of language, were written
by children, and the drawings were also made by them.
This entire menagerie is, indeed, “a unique aggrega-
tion of juvenile invention,†which would do justice to
Edward Lear, who made the first collection of Nonsense
animals, and would be welcomed by Alice i Wonderland,
as worthy successors to the Jabberwock and blood rela-
tions to the Snark.
THE BATTERFLY.
The poor Batterflies are a family who seem to get noth-
ing but knocks. © They are always blundering around,
bumping against trees, tearing their wings, getting terrified
at the Bugbear, and having their dinner of baseballs
snatched away just when they are hungriest. One poor
Batterfly had a tale to tell that outdid all the sad stories of
57
58 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
the others. One day after an unusually hard time he had
furled his wings, drawn in his head, and gone to sleep under
a hedge. Along came a
little boy who pounced sud-
denly upon him. “Three
cheers!†shouted the boy;
“Tom, Dve found my
bat!†That poor Batterfly
was picked up and played
baseball with for two hours.
For weeks he couldn’t un-
fold his wings at all. He
never got over it, but to
this day flops mournfully
around, relating, over and
over again, his tale of woe.
THE WELSH RABBIT.
The Welsh Rabbit is wild and shy. Its head is composed
of a lump of butter, its body of bits of cheese, and its legs
of stout crusts. Its shoes are hobnailed and thick, and it
uses them to a dire effect. At twelve o’clock it creeps out,
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE. a6
and flapping its great ears, begins a wild dance on
the heads of those who have
been indulging too freely in
a late supper. It lives on
bits of cake and candy which
people carry up to their rooms
at night. It is said to be ex-
ceedingly partial to school-
girls.
THE LEM—ME BEE.
The Lem-me bee is of the
whining genus. She is con- {#
tinually thumping her play- ¥
fellows and drawling,
“Lem-me bee!†with such a
whine that they put their
fingers in their ears and flee.
She eats a great deal, living
entirely on punches. She,
also, is a connection of the Hum Bug, and these two have
pitched battles whenever they meet. One would think
60 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
that if “the king who never smiled again†could see one
of their quarrels he would
net only smile, but laugh
outright. Miss Bee ad-
vances and thumps the
Hum Bug so stoutly on
the nose that he weeps,
with little oily tears. He, clumsy
fellow, tries to curl his tail around
her and flaps fiercely with his
wings, striking her first forward,
then back. But he is always
defeated, for his nose is his tender
point.
THE CATERPILLAR.
This animal is the most curious of all the strange animals
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 61
of Australia, where it is found. It laughs beautifully and
speaks ten languages. The natives of Australia like to
hear it laugh so much that they frequently offer to
buy it new stockings, if it will laugh them to sleep
nights. A Caterpillar was found some years ago in
New Jersey, but it was a very inferior one, and could
not laugh.
THE COCK-HORSE. THE BUG-BEAR.
This animal lives in the nur-
sery. It barks shins. It feeds
on tin soldiers and dolls’ eyes.
This isa Bug-bear. If
you eat too much plum-
cake you will see it some
night,
62 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE LOCOMUE.
Beware of this ani-
mal, whose terrific
speed and tough hide
‘enable it to smash
every engine it collides
with. There are three
in existence, and they
always travel by rail.
THE MONKBACO.
The Monkbaco lives on
the Equator. Its distin-
guishing feature is its
curled neck, of which it
‘is very vain. The male
only is permitted to wear
two coils in it. The bird
is very wise and can sing
ravishingly. The Jenny
Lind of the Equator is a
Monkbaco.
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 63
THE GRASSHOPPER.
The Grasshopper
travels very swiftly,
with long flying leaps.
It is always found near
the seashore, and is sup-
posed to live upon sea-
weed. Its habits are 2
not very well known to |
naturalists, we are sorry ~
to say.
THE WIND-—BIRD.
The Wind-Bird:
has been found
in every explored
part of the world,
on both land and
. water, with the
exception of the
zone of calms.
64 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
The bird is invisible excepting when examined through
the strongest imaginascope. Its invisibility is not due to
its size, as it is sometimes found as large as an elephant,
— though some varieties are no larger than the common
honey-bee,—but to the fact that its only food is air,
which renders it very airy. Although the birds cannot,
be seen by the naked eye, their presence can always be
detected. You can feel them driving the air against you;
where they are present in sufficient quantities inanimate
things appear to gain life; and their wings produce a
whistling sound.
The Wind-Bird never sings, the noise of its beating the
air being the only sound it makes.
When a large number of Wind-Birds travel together,
they often do great damage to anything that may be in
their path. They can tear buildings to pieces, uproot trees,
uplift the débris, people, and animals into their midst,
carrying them until the flock disperses, when the law of
gravitation asserts itself and they drop to the ground.
There are domesticated varieties of the bird which are
of inestimable use to man. They are trained to draw
water, drive ships through the seas, and do many kinds
of labor.
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE.
THE DOOD—ROOSTER.
65
This animal inhabits the unexplored portion of Africa.
It is about seven feet high.
before exploration
parties and terrifies
them by its singular
actions, screaming
meanwhile with a.
voice which resembles
a disordered hand-
organ. The only way
it can be driven is .by
throwing hats at it,
whereupon it disap-
pears, but returns
afterwards and carries
the hats to its den and stacks them up inside.
It appears unexpectedly
Its
food is principally sardine cans and ginger-beer bottles;
but it is not particular, and will eat anything which has
contained food or drink.
animals has ever been captured.
It is said that not one of these
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE SKELETONAVIS.
This remarkable bird is found only in Arctic regions.
But one specimen has been found, though naturalists
eS
SS
—
agree in saying that there
is no doubt of their ex-
istence in large numbers
in the immediate vicinity
of the North Pole. Its
food is snow and _ ice.
It is extremely shy,
and were it not for the
tuft of brilliant scarlet
feathers which adorn the
back of its head, it
could not be seen, for its
bones are a dazzling
white, and do not show
even when it is within
ten feet of its pursuer.
THE BOOM—-KANG—ERANG.
This beautiful little animal is a native of Central Aus-
tralia.
It is very rare, and is believed to be nearly
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 67
extinct. When attacked it becomes dangerous, as it can
throw its shoes a long distance, after which they turn
around and come back.
~The natives hunt this
animal for the sake of its
feathers, which are worn
as an emblem of royalty
by the chiefs of their
tribes. Its voice is not
musical, but serves to in-
eS mE?
form the natives of its ue RA)
HESS Gi, GZ]
whereabouts. » OF
THE PRIDE—FOWL.
The Pride-Fowl is a
beautiful bird, which
sometimes resembles the __ '
peafowl. It is more = .. a
gorgeous than the Bird
of Paradise. It is very rare, and is found only in the
Eastern and Western Hemispheres. It has very little
brain. Its only food is flattery. It sings sweetly when
68 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
fed abundantly. This bird often carries a hand mirror
in one hand, and when closely occupied looking at its own
image is liable to fall
from the limb of the
tree or whatever it
- may be perched on.
“x This fact suggested the
old saying, “ Pride goeth
before a fall.â€
THE HOMO-—PIG.
The Homo-Pig is a
native of America, Eng-
land, Mexico — and all
other countries. Its
color may be either
white, black, yellow, brown, or copper-colored. Its head
resembles a porker pig’s, while its body is like that of a
human being. It is sometimes intelligent, and may be
taught many things. It is a herbivorous and carnivorous
animal, and will eat almost anything else. Its chief char-
acteristic is its prodigious appetite and its disposition to
THE NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 69
have the most and best of everything, regardless of the
rights of others. We were told the other day of a
young Homo-Pig not more than four feet high that can
consume as. much as
the hired man at-each
feed, . besides eating
almost continually be-
tween meals of apples,
nuts, ‘turnips, _canclies,
slippery-elm and. cin-
namon barks, and
other odds and ends.
THE GARDEN SNAKE.
This is a curious rep-
tile of Brazil, famous for
its growth of flowers, of
which it takes extreme
care. It bites if an attempt
is made to pluck one. It
stands in one spot for
twenty years, at the ex-
7O THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
piration of which time it
disappears, but the box
framework and the legs are
left.
THE PEN-—PECKER.
This bird is sometimes
found in lawyers’ shops, and
lives on gnashed teeth and
lemon drops.
THE SWALLOWALL.
The amount of food this dis-
agreeable bird devours throughout
the day is unknown. It is all
mouth, and is constantly asking for
more.
THE DISCONSOLATE ELF AND HIS SURPRISE PARTY.
THE ELF’S SURPRISE PARTY.
HE little brown elf, from his favorite shelf,
Sighed as he watched the sea,
And softly cried to the lapsing tide:
_“My friends have deserted me.
“Were I pea-green, or a sky-blue pink,
Or a sunlight golden to make them wink,
Or the beautiful hue of a lobster’s shell
That has swung in that curious, coppery bell
By the fisherman’s hut in the neighboring dell —
I think they'd remember me!â€
So he kept his eyes on
The far horizon —
This elf whom his friends played a great surprise on!
42
THE BARLEY CANDY BOY.
THE Barley Candy Boy! O the Barley Candy Boy!
Who lived in the toy-man’s window, ’tis little he
had of joy!
For he could not eat a bit of sweet, nor any sugar at all,
Unless he ran a fearful risk of being a cannibal.
id. a
Pay irl oe srs :
ere at ae ine 8) Y
VERY MARVELLOUS.
UCH wondrous sight was never seen,
Great Hodge, the jester, cries,
“And I can bring the thing I mean
Before your very eyes.
Last week I saw it in the lake,
A fish it seemed to be;
To-day, the thing—mzy head Ill stake —
Had legs like you and me.â€
“Q Hodge!†the little maiden cried,
“You tell a foolish tale.â€
“Come see it, then,’ her friend replied,
“Before you jeer and rail.â€
Through dust and heat he led her where
A frog sat on a log.
“Last week,†cried Hodge, “that creature there
Was just —a pollywog.â€
hes oe
THE JESTER.
*¢o HODGE! ’? THE LITTLE MAIDEN CRIED, ‘‘ YOU TELL A FOOLISH TALE.â€
75
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY.
N China, under the Tang dynasty, early in the seventh
century of the Christian era, lived a learned and
virtuous but poor mandarin who had three sons, — Fu-su,
Tu-sin, and Wang-li. Fu-su and Tu-sin were young men
of active minds, always laboring to find out something
new and useful. Wang-li was clever too, but only
in games of skill, in which he attaimed great profi-
ciency. .
~ Fu-su and Tu-sin continually talked to each other. of
the wonderful inventions they would make when they
arrived at man’s estate, and of the wealth and renown
they promised themselves thereby. Their conversation
seldom reached the ears of Wang-li, for he rarely lifted
his eyes from the chess-board on which he solved his
problems. But their father was more attentive, and
one day he said:
~“T fear, my sons, that among your multifarious pur-
suits and studies you must have omitted to include that
of the laws of your country, or you would have learned
76
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY. 77
that fortune is not to be acquired by the means which
you have proposed to yourselves.â€
“How so, father?†they asked.
“Tt hath been justly deemed by our ancestors,†said
the old man, “that the reverence due to the great men
who are worshipped in our temples, by reason of our
indebtedness to them for the arts of life, could not
but become impaired if their posterity were suffered to
eclipse their fame by new discoveries, or presumptuously
amend what might appear imperfect in their productions.
It is, therefore, by an edict of the Emperor Suen, for-
bidden to invent anything; and by a statute of the
Emperor Wu-chi it is further provided that nothing
hitherto invented shall be improved. My predecessor in
the small office I hold was deprived of it for saying
that in his judgment money ought to be made round
instead of square, and I have myself run risk of my life
for seeking to combine a small file with a pair of
tweezers.â€
“Tf this is the case,†said the young men, “our father-
land is not the place for us.†And they embraced their
father, and departed.
78 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Of their brother Wang-li they took no farewell, mas-
much as he was absorbed in a chess problem. Before
separating, they agreed to meet on the same spot after
thirty years, with the treasure which they doubted not
to have acquired by the exercise of their mventive facul-
ties in foreign lands. They further covenanted that if
either had missed his reward the other should share his
possessions with him.
Fu-su repaired to the artists who cut out characters
in blocks of hard wood, to the end that books may be
printed from the same. When he had fathomed their
mystery he betook himself to a brass-founder, and learned -
how to cast in metal. He then sought a learned man
who had travelled: much, and made himself acquainted
with the Greek, Persian, and Arabic languages. Then
he cast a number of Greek characters in type, and put-
ting them into a bag and providing himself with some
wooden tablets of his own carving, he departed to seek
his fortune. After imnumerable hardships and perils he
arrived in the land of Persia, and inquired for the great
king.
“The great king is dead,†they told’ him, “and his
Ron2z2-xwayPa-s
WANG-LI AND LIS CHESS-BOARD.
79
Es Mp a aa
WELL
HO
Le ep
os 5
il
—
\
UUM
ce
Kt
)
fy
]
80 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
head is entirely separated from his body. There is now
no king in Persia, great or small.â€
_ “Where shall I find another great king?†demanded
he.. 4 , “ : F
= “In the city of Alexandria,†“replied they, “where the
commander of, the faithful is» busy introducing the re-
“ligion: of the prophet.†=
- Fu-su passed to’ Alexandria, carrying his types and
tablets. As he entered the gates he remarked an enor-
mous cloud of: smoke, which, seemed to darken the whole
of. the- city. Before he could inquire the reason, the
guard ~ arrested him as a stranger, and conducted fe to
the presence of the Caliph Omar.
“Know, O Caliph,†said Fu-su, “ that my countrymen
“are at once the wisest of mankind and the stupidest.
They have invented an art for the preservation of letters
and the diffusion of knowledge, which the sages of Greece
and India never knew, but they have not learned to take,
and they refuse to be taught how to take, the one little
step further necessary to render it generally profitable to
mankind.†|
And producing his tablets and types, he explained
7
¢ 1
\ y Ab
i ven, oes /g 2x15
5
yy fo} f x MS AP] ee
blo
" ie
a Ts)
/ ss
NS p e MN
Ls
K SAN BB
Bis OS \ aie
SY BS GH) Yj
= A ]
LU
YI EE:
LY Lr SoH
ll Sy
FU-SU AND THE COURT PHYSICIAN.
82 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
to the Caliph the entire mystery of the art of print-
ing.
“Thou seemest to be ignorant,†said Omar, “that we
have but yesterday condemned and excommunicated all
books, and banished the same from the face of the earth,
seeing that they contain either that which is contrary to
the Koran, in which case they are impious, or that which
is agreeable to the Koran, in which case they are super-
fluous. -Thou art further unaware, as it would seem,
that the smoke which shrouds the city proceeds from the
library of the unbelievers, consumed by our orders. It
will be meet to burn thee along with it.†. ,
“Oh, commander of the faithful,†said an officer, “of
a surety the last scroll of the accursed ceased to flame
even as this infidel entered the city.â€
“Tf it be so,†said Omar, “we will not burn him,
seeing that we have taken away from him the occasion
to sin. Yet shall he swallow these little brass amulets
of his, at the rate of one a day, and then be banished
from the country.†.
The sentence was executed, and Fu-su was happy that
the court physician condescended to accept his little prop-
erty in exchange for emetics.
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY. 83
He begged his way, slowly and painfully, back to
China, and arrived at the covenanted spot at the expi-
ration of the thirtieth year.
His father’s modest dwelling had disappeared, and in
Ye
= OE PT NEN
Yd ZS HT 7,
Yy hil NT UZ
s rit iN Ki
Fa & Au a Yy Yj yy
THE BROTHERS EMBRACED.
its place stood a magnificent mansion, around which
stretched a park, with pavilions, canals, willow-trees,
golden pheasants, and little bridges.
“Tu-sin has surely made his fortune,’ thought he,
84 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“and he will not refuse to share it with me agreeably
to our covenant.â€
As he thus reflected he heard a voice at his elbow,
and turning round perceived that one in a more wretched
plight than himself was asking alms of him. It was
Tu-sin. .
The brothers embraced with many tears, and after Tu-
sin had learned Fu-su’s history, he proceeded to recount
his own.
“T repaired,’ said he, “to those who know the secrets
of the grains termed fire-dust, which Suen. has not been
able to prevent us from inventing, but of which Wu-chi
has taken care that we shall make no use, save only for
‘fireworks. Having learned this mystery, I deposited a
certain portion of this fire-dust in hollow tubes which I
had constructed of iron and brass, and upon it I further
laid leaden balls of a size corresponding to the hollow
of the tubes. I then found that by applyimg a light to
the fire-dust at one end of the tube, I could send the
ball out at the other with such force that it penetrated
the cuirasses of three warriors at once. I filled a barrel
with the dust, and concealing it and the tubes under
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY. 85
carpets which I laid upon the backs of oxen, I set out
to the city of Constantmople. I will not. at present
relate my adventures on the journey.
“Suffice it that I arrived. at last, half dead from
fatigue and hardship, and destitute of everything except
my merchandise. By bribing an officer with my carpets
I was admitted to have speech with the Emperor. I
found him busily studying a problem in chess.
“T told him that I had discovered a secret which
would make him the master of. the world, and in_ par-
ticular would help him to drive away the Saracens, who
threatened his empire with destruction.
“
sibly attend to thee until I have solved this problem.
Yet, lest any should say that the Emperor neglects his
duties, absorbed in idle amusement, I will refer thy in-
vention to the chief armorers of my capital. And he
gave me a letter to the armorers, and returned to his
problem. And as I quitted the palace bearmg the mis-
sive, I came upon a great procession. Horsemen‘ and
running footmen, musicians, heralds, and banner-bearers
surrounded a Chinaman who sat in the attitude of Fo
86 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
under a golden umbrella upon a richly caparisoned ele-
phant, his pigtail plaited with yellow roses. And the
musicians blew and clashed, and the’ standard-bearers
waved their ensigns, and the heralds proclaimed, ‘Thus
shall it be done to the man whom the Emperor delights
to honor.’ And unless I was very greatly mistaken, the
face of the Chinaman was the face of our brother
Wang-li.
“ At another time I would have striven to find what
this might mean, but my impatience was great, as also
my need and hunger. I sought the chief armorers and
with great trouble brought them all together to give me
audience. I produced my tube and fire-dust, and sent
my balls with ease through the best armor they could
set before me.
“¢ Who will want breastplates now?’ cried the chief
breastplate maker.
“
the head. .
“¢T would not have taken fifty bezants for that
shield, and what good is it now?’ said the head of the
shield trade.
aS EZ
ee
—
= =
SSS
a
TU-SIN DEPARTS FROM CONSTANTINOPLE.
88 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“<«My swords will be of less account,’ said a sword-
smith.
“¢ My arrows of none,’ lamented an arrow-maker.
“<"Tis villany,’ cried one.
“Tis magic,’ shouted another.
“Tig illusion, as ’m an honest tradesman,’ roared a
third, and put his integrity to the proof by thrusting a
hot iron bar into my barrel. All present rose up in
company with the roof of the building, and all perished
except myself, who escaped with the loss of my hair and
skin.
third of the city of Constantinople. .
“<’Twas lying on a prison-bed some time afterwards,
partly recovered of my hurts, dolefully listenmg to a
dispute between two of my guards as to whether I ought
‘to be burned or buried alive, when the Imperial order
for my disposal came down. The jailers received it
with humility, and read, ‘Kick him out of the city,’
Marvelling at the mildness of the punishment, they nev-
ertheless executed it with so much zeal that I flew into
the middle of the Bosphorus, where I was picked up by
a fishing-vessel, and landed on the Asiatic coast, whence
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY. 89
I have begged my way home. I now propose that we
appeal to the pity of the owner of this splendid man-
sion, who may compassionate us on hearing that we
were reared in the cottage which has been pulled down
to make room for his palace.â€
They entered the gates, walked timidly up to the
house, and prepared to fall at the feet of the master,
but did not, for ere they could do so they recognized
their brother Wang-l.
It took Wang-li some time to recognize them, but when
at, length he knew them he hastened to provide for their
every want. When they had well eaten and drunk, and
had been clad in robes of honor, they imparted their his-
tories and asked for his.
“My brothers,†said Wang-li, “the whole game of
chess, which was happily invented long before the time
of the Emperor Suen, was followed by me solely for its
pleasure, and I dreamed not of acquiring wealth by its
pursuit until I casually heard one day that it was en-
tirely unknown to the people of the West. Even then
I thought not of making money, but conceived so deep
a compassion for those forlorn barbarians that I felt I
go THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
could know no rest until I should have enlightened
them.
“T accordingly proceeded to the city of Constanti-
nople, and was received as a messenger from Heaven.
“To such effect did
I labor that ere long
the Emperor and _ his
officers of state
thought of nothing
else but playing chess
all day and _ night,
and the empire fell
into entire confusion,
and the Saracens
mightily prevailed. In
consideration of these
services the Emperor
THE NEW PALACE.
was pleased to bestow
those distinguished honors upon me which thou didst
witness at his palace gate, dear brother.
“ After, however, the fire which was occasioned through
thy instrumentality, though in no respect by thy fault, the
THE REWARDS OF INDUSTRY. gt
people murmured and taxed the Emperor with seeking to
destroy his capital in league with a foreign sorcerer, mean-
ing thee. Ere long the chief officers conspired, and entered
the Emperor’s apartment,
purposing to dethrone
him, but he declared that
he would in no wise ab-
dicate until he had fin-
ished the game of chess
he was then playing with
me. They looked on,
“THE FORTY CORN SHIPS.â€â€™
grew interested, began to
dispute with one another respecting the moves, and while
they wrangled loyal officers entered and made them all
captive. This greatly augmented my credit with the
Emperor, which was even increased when shortly after-
wards I played with the Saracen admiral Saaud, who
was blockading the Hellespont, and won of him forty corn-
ships, which turned the dearth of the city into plenty.
“The Emperor bade me choose any favor I would, but
I said his liberality had left me nothing to ask for except
the life of a poor countryman of mine who I had heard
92 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
was in prison for burning the city. The Emperor bade
me write his sentence with my own hand. Had I known
that it was thou, Tu-sin, believe me I had shown more
consideration for thy person. At length
I departed for my native land,
“Aa loaded with wealth, and
travelling most comfort-
ably by relays of swift drome-
daries.
“JT returned hither, bought
our father’s cottage, and on its
site erected this palace, where iG
dwell meditatmg on the problems of
THE SARACEN ADMIRAL.
chess-players and the precepts of the
sages, and persuaded that a little thing which the world
is willing to receive is better than a great thing which
it hath not yet learned to value aright. For the world
is a big child, and chooses amusement before instruction.â€
“Call you chess an amusement?’ asked his brothers.
TID-BITS.
HERE once was a bird called a Bustard,
So furiously fond of a custard,
That he'd beat up the eggs
With his feather-edged legs,
And eat ’em with pepper and mustard!
HERE was an old man of Toulouse,
Who lived on cold cranberry juice ;
But he ate it so raw,
That it twisted his jaw —
So they pickled that man of Toulouse.
93
THE GORY GORILLA.
A STORY OF THE DARK CONTINENT.
-
> A 0 the north of the River Zambesi,
A\ Va To the west of the brook of Cham-
= iV besi,
Where the big lake Nyanza
Flows down by Mutanza,
As if playing a game of Parchesi—
To the east of Ujiji and Karo,
(The African on plainant.) In the province of Tanganymaro
(Where the crocodile ambles
While taking his rambles),
There rises Mount Kilima-Njaro.
Here lived a tremendous gorilla ;
A monster quite able to kill a
Hyena at least ;
And the skin of the beast
94
THE GORY GORILLA. 95
Was like dried orange peel from Manilla!
"Twas tough; and so wrinkled and yellow,
That the very first sight of the fellow
Would set you a-quaking,
And trembling and shak-
ing,
Before he was able to bellow.
.He had come from the coun-
ty of Congo,
Where a hunter while draw-
ing a long bow
Had killed off his
mother,
His father and brother,
On the beautiful banks of the
Quango ;
Whence, vowing a vengeance
terrific,
Tn language most choice and
(Mr. G. Gorilla shouteth defiance.)
specific,
Like a blizzard on-rushing
He was killing and crushing,
In a style the reverse of pacific.
96 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
He everywhere forcibly stated
That anything human he hated ;
And whatever it
may be,
ian A man or a
Bate iilâ€
we
ion )
baby,
So soon as he saw
it, was fated.
For he was so
awfully clever
That a blow from his fist like a lever,
Crushed heads to a bubble
Without any trouble,
And the victim would breathe again
— never !.
(The African Nations
I could write m this manner for ages,
And fill up a hundred odd pages
With the harrowing story
Most tragic and gory
Of the tantrums he cut in his rages;
THE GORY GORILLA. 97
But I’d rather just group them together ;
For, if you were tougher than leather,
The numbers
he’d serve
So,
Would shake
your poor
nerve so,
That they might knock you down with
a feather.
At last, just m self preservation,
The whole of the African nation, Sane eat
From sands of Sahara
To plains of Bambarra,
Whatever their rank or their station —
From lordly Dahomeys of Guinea,
To Hottentots woolly and skinny,
Each vowed he would kill a
Great gory gorilla,
Or be branded at once as a ninny.
98
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
They gathered together like sparrows ;
They fought him with spears and with arrows;
With shouts and with groaning,
With sticks and with stoning,
With everything pointed that harrows ;
With backbones of whales and of gudgeons ;
With slings, and with knives, and with bludgeons ;
With stone-headed hammers,
And flint-pointed rammers —
But he laughed at them all as curmudgeons.
He openly scoffed and defied them ;
- He’d laugh, and he’d chaff, and deride them ;
Then he snatched up gigantic
Great stones with mad antic,
And into the midst of ’em shied them ;
He'd drop on their heads from the edges
Of steep and precipitous ledges,
And with a wild yell he
Would crush them to jelly,
Then spring out of sight in the hedges.
He might have gone on with these gory
Manceuvres until he was hoary,
(A tremendous fight ensueth, but Mr. Gorilla getteth the best of tt.)
99
100
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
But the tale would be too long,
So here’s the dénouement
fi
NM) )
fg \
ae u
S)
»
(= eS
GC
> \ i
(The noble Briton appeareth on the scene.)
(That’s French for “the end of the storyâ€).
One. day a hot-blooded young stranger,
THE GORY GORILLA. Iol
A regular round-the-world ranger,
A thoroughbred scion
Of the old British lion,
Appeared in the midst of the danger.
He held in his right hand a rifle,
A gold-mounted, steel-barrelled trifle ;
He said he could nick off
A leaf or a stick off
At two thousand feet, or he’d stifle!
Then, loading with powder and ball
up,
He shouted, in order to call up
This monster so hairy,
So wild and so scary, (The ball reboundeth. ;
Convinced that its chances were all up.
One instant —then swift as a rocket,
With eyes bursting out of their socket,
With swift fury swelling,
And hoarse voice out-yelling,
Before you could say Davy Crockett —
The chimpanzee sprang from the bushes,
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
And, strong with the passion that crushes,
Came up like a lion,
His new foe to fly on,
And break him to pieces, like rushes.
The hunter took aim at his forehead
—TI think this was perfectly horrid —
And singed his top hair off
While. trying to scare off
This foe with complexion so torrid;
But he knew not how hard "twas to kill a
‘Most frantic and fractious gorilla —
A regular duffer,
Whose hide is much tougher |
Than dried orange peel from Manilla!
The ball, like a rubber, rebounded ;
The man, with a fear too well grounded,
Swift dropping his gun
Started off on a run,
While his cries through the forest resounded ;
THE GORY GORILLA. 103
And the monkey, prepared to do
smashing,
Was hurriedly after him dash-
ing ; .
When, making a bound,
He perceived on the ground
The silver-bright gun-barrel flash-
ing.
He stopped, and he stared,
and he touched it;
He lifted, he
looked, and
he clutched
It.
(The noble Briton disappeareth.)
Then, curiously eying,
And nervously trying,
Right up to his eyeballs he rushed it;
Till, nothing his action deterring,
His foot touched the trigger wnerring —
The bullet was sped,
104, THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
He was shot through the head
And he tumbled as dead as a herring!
/ ' Thus, by so simple an action
Of the natural laws of attrac
tion,
This creature so furious,
So strong and so curious,
Was smashed like a ray in re-
fraction ;
When, if he had only been
wiser,
Or had listened to some
good adviser,
He'd be living to-day,
Gallant, gory,
and gray,
As proud as a
king or a
kaiser.
(Ur. G. Gorilla investigateth the rifle.)
THE GORY GORILLA.
The moral that follows is this:
You
Must never neglect the main
issue,
Nor pause in your run,
‘Once the race is begun,
For fear the successes may
miss you.
However allurements’ may
glitter,
Be sure, it is better and fitter
To go straight at your
aim,
And make sure of your
game,
Or Failure your days will em-
bitter !
(The world rejoiceth.)
105
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY.
N a pretty cottage near a town lived a peaceable
old woman named Abra, with her granddaughter
Lois. There was an apple orchard at one side of the
cottage, and, in a field near by, she raised vegetables and
herbs; but she chiefly made her income by selling ginger-
pop, which she was most famous at making. Some of
the people of the town had long envied Abra her knowl-
edge, not thinking of the work and thought that it had
cost her to get it.
When Abra had made a snug fortune she offered to
take some apprentices to learn to make ginger-pop, but
they must. agree to work with her not less than one
year. Now when the people of the town heard that
to learn to make good ginger-pop would take a year,
they declared Abra a miser and a most unkind and
selfish person. Having talked themselves warm and ex-
cited, they hired a brass band and marched out to the
cottage to persuade Abra into teaching them how ta
make good ginger-pop “right away.â€
106
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. 107
Abra had a bad attack of rheumatism, and was only
able to sit up in her great arm-chair; but Lois made a
speech to the people out of a window, and begged them
to go away and not worry her grandmother.
Then the town Butcher made a speech in reply, saying
there was nothing more easy to do than to make ginger-
pop — anybody could do it as easy as that — and the
Butcher snapped his fingers. The Baker agreed with the
Butcher ; and the Candlestick-maker declared if he wasn’t
told the recipe that very minute, they would all go home
and make their own ginger-pop!
“Please do so,†said Lois, “my grandmother is not at
all particular about selling the people any more ginger-
29
pop.
“ All right! We will show you!†declared the Butcher,
the Baker, and the Candlestick-maker; and, after having
laid a perpetual injunction upon Abra to sell no more pop,
they headed the procession and marched back to town.
Though they hadn’t the first idea how ginger-pop was
made, they told the people to buy plenty of ginger, and
offered a pair of brass candlesticks, a sack of flour and
a roast of meat, annually, to the first one, and his heirs
108 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
forever, who should discover how to make a good pop.
The mason, the cobbler, the bellows-mender, and many
other artisans at once quit their trades and began .
trying to make ginger-pop. The stirring and mixing of
messes, and spoiling of ginger, that went on in that little
town was wonderful to see. What a burning of fingers!
What a choking with smoke! What a boiling over of
stuff! What a smarting and scalding of throats! What
flayed and ruined stomachs !
“We must see that old Abra doesn’t hear of this,â€
cautioned the Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick-
maker, who called themselves “The Ginger-pop Company.â€
“Let us watch the cottage,’ said the Butcher, “ that
no customers go to her on the sly. If we are all de-
prived of the beverage long enough, we shall be driven
to produce some sort of drinkable pop, and then our
fortunes are made.
So the three partners of the Ginger-pop Company went
out to Abra’s cottage, and climbed over into the orchard
to watch in the shade of the apple-trees.
Toward evening, however, they grew weary, also anxious
to learn how the amateur brewers were getting along.
&
aware
THE PEOPLE DEMAND THE GINGER-POP RECIPE.
ILO THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Tf we set up three scarecrows behind these trees,â€
said the Butcher, “we can go, for Abra and Lois would
still believe themselves under guard.â€
“A capital idea!†exclaimed the Baker, “and I will
go fetch a bundle of hay. Each of us can stuff his over-
alls, coat, and hat with hay, and stand them up by a
tree.â€
“And I will cut some stout switches for the guards
to hold,†said the Candlestick-maker.
“Would they think we really meant to beat people?â€
objected the Baker. “When my little boy was so
sick no one was kinder to us than Abra; and IT
wouldn’t have her or Lois actually harméd or very
severely scared for a good many loaves. I don’t object:
to a Ginger-pop Company, of course, because we all know
Abra has money enough. But when it comes to
switches †— .
“ Nobody means to harm anybody,†laughed the Can-
dlestick-maker. “Will three scarecrows holding switches
harm anybody?â€
“Of course not,’ interposed the Butcher. “Come,
Baker! don’t be chicken-hearted.â€
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. III
“Well,†admitted the Baker, “I suppose the cottage
must appear to be under guard, else thirsty people will
come here in their desperation.â€
THE THREE JOLLY SAILORS.
When the Baker returned with the hay the scarecrows
were fixed with switches where hands should be, and
then stationed boldly under the apple-trees. Then,
having declared their representatives to look very fierce
and natural, the Ginger-pop Company hurried back to
town.
112 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Soon after they had left, three jolly sailors came
riding on donkeys up to Abra’s cottage to buy ginger-
pop. They had started out early for this purpose — as
soon as their ship had touched port—having been
thirsting ever since leaving the Mediterranean a year
previous.
Despite the perpetual injunction, Lois invited them to
tie their donkeys in the orchard, and then to come into
the cottage to rest and refresh themselves.
CRIED, THE; COBBLER, ‘I HAVE
WON THE PRIZE!â€
As the Ginger-pop Company
- neared the town they saw the
people standing at their doors
and seeming to be watching
for them. . The cobbler’s house
was the first they had to pass,
and before the door was reached
out came the cobbler with a
bucket of some smoking stuff
in one hand and three large blue mugs in the other.
“Taste this,’ cried the delighted cobbler, smacking
his lips; “I think I have won the prize.â€
The Company hopefully, and without pausing to ques-
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. 113
tion, as they were consumed with thirst, emptied the
blue mugs down their throats.
“ We-e-e-e-re poisoned!†gasped the Butcher, the
Baker, and the Candlestick-maker when they could catch
their breath.
“ Poisoned !â€â€™ ex-
claimed the cobbler.
“What you taste is
‘= but the distinctive
y Woe
eed
x
flavor of my pop —
grees
ee ly AS
HS. a soup-can of bees-
ae wax and lampblack.â€
The Ginger-pop Company
started away disgusted. But
other people came darting out
with pots, kettles, and pans of
messes to be tasted, and all de
manding the prize. But each new mess
THE G, P. CO. RETREAT.
was more vile than the previous.
The moment the Butcher: reached home and put his
head in at his shop, he saw something had gone wrong.
“Well,†said his wife, “here you have been and left
114 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
wide open the door of the meat-house, and the dogs of
the town have been in and eaten the entire stock — not
a rib, not a shin left! Even the smoked hams are
gone!â€
“Never mind that!†groaned the Butcher. “Ive
swallowed five thousand dozens of the greatest doses
that ever were mixed!â€
“And where’s your hat and coat?†demanded his wife.
But the Butcher had closed the door of his chamber
upon her.
When the Candlestick-maker entered his house he
found his apprentices had spoiled twenty sets of brass
candlesticks.
{??
“Tm all but ruined!†cried he.
The Baker smelled something burning before he
reached his bakery, which was not at all surpris-
ing, since he had left the day’s batch of bread in the
oven.
“You foolish man,†said his wife. “Why are you
concerning yourself about old Abra’s affairs and helping
the people to lose their wits? And what have you
done with your clothes?â€
SCARECROWS ON GUARD IN THE ORCHARD.
115
116 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK. ©
The Baker made no answer, but hurried out of the
back door, for he saw hundreds of ginger-pop makers
coming in at the front door with their experiments. As
he turned the first corner, he bounded against the Candle-
stick-maker, who was running from some more people
with mugs, and together they overtook the Butcher, who
had escaped by his chamber window.
“Let's go and remove the injunction and get our
clothes, and refresh ourselves with some of the genuine
article, and then dismiss the people
back to their business, selecting a
few apprentices to learn the business
of old Abra,’ said the Baker. .“ How
are our scarecrows?†he added,
peeping’ over the orchard fence in the
dusk. “But stop—TI do declare I saw
them move!â€
" THE DONKEY BRAYED.
“Nonsense!†laughed the Butcher, climbing over the
fence. “Come along. The cobbler’s pop has gone to
your head.â€
Just then one of the sailors’ donkeys brayed lustily
three times: “ Konk-konk-konke-e-e-e.â€
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. 117
The Butcher tumbled off the fence back on the
Baker, and the Candlestick-maker was the first to lead
the headlong flight down the road.
“Ugh!†cried he, “that old Abra does magic! Tl
wager anything she’s the Abradacabra of the wizards of
old!â€
“Yes,†panted the Butcher, “and she incants her gin-
ger-pop, and that’s why we don’t discover it! We never
shall get our clothes!â€
Now Abra and Lois had been telling the sailors of
the Gimger-pop Company.
“And there! there they are now, screaming at their
own scarecrows probably,†said Lois, as she heard the
outcry. “I believe the whole town has gone crazy!â€
It was a moonlight night, and going to the cottage
door the sailors saw the men racing down the road.
They told Abra and Lois to keep indoors. Then they
went into the orchard and armed themselves with the
switches, and put on the scarecrows’ clothing, and platted
hay masks for their faces, and hid behind the apple-
trees.
The Ginger-pop Company, finding they were not fol-
118 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
lowed, at last stopped running, and finally got courage
to turn back for their hats and coats once more.
They all believed it was the messes they had tasted
taking effect upon their heads; “ For,†said the Butcher,
“it is folly to suppose we are afraid of our own scare-
crows.â€
“Or that scarecrows could bray,†said the Candlestick-
maker.
“By nature I am afraid of nothing,†said the Baker.
“But any man may do a foolish thing after drinking
lampblack and beeswax.â€
“There they are,†said the Candlestick-maker, “ behind
the trees, looking as imnocent as so many posts.â€
Having all climbed over the fence,—the Baker being
very slow to do so,—they began again to joke about
their run, when they saw how stiff and silent the scare-
crows stood.
“Most noble gentlemen, we will trouble you for our
hats,†said the butcher, making a mock bow, and reach-
ing out his right hand.
“You will, will you?†growled the three scarecrows ;
and jumping out from behind the trees the disguised
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. 119
sailors switched the terrified men out of the orchard
and far down the road. In their flight they took the
wrong road, and ran into a swampy meadow, where
they floundered about all night, the frogs hooting at
them. The sailors again arranged the scarecrows as
they had found them. Then, having bought a good
supply of ginger-pop to take on their next voyage, they
bade Abra and Lois good-night, and good courage, and
good luck, and rode back to the seaport.
In the morning, as the whole town, with many hun-
dred brand-new kinds of people, were turning out to
search for the Ginger-pop Company, its muddied and
sorrowful members strageled into sight. The people
hooted and laughed at the tale of the magic scarecrows,
and declared that the Ginger-pop Company had _hope-
lessly lost its wits.
“Tf you don’t believe us,†cried the Candlestick-maker,
“come out to Abra’s cottage and see for yourselves.â€
It seemed such a good joke that every one who could
either walk or ride agreed to go. Of course the scare-
crows were found to be nothing but scarecrows, and
then the Ginger-pop Company were worse jeered than
120 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
ever. However, when the Baker pointed out the frayed
and split switches which the scarecrows held, even the
more unruly shook their heads, and became very polite
to Abra and Lois.
“Now, Abra, my good woman,†said the clergyman
of the town, “what did really happen here last night?
You know I have no possible interest in ginger-pop.
You can speak frankly to me.â€
But Abra only looked knowingly over her glasses, and
smiled.
“T can tell you what happened here yesterday,†said
Lois. “The price of ginger-pop was raised; and if you
people go on spoiling ginger, and making it scarce, it
will be raised again to-morrow. We shall probably con-
tinue to raise it until you are ashamed of the way you
have treated us.â€
“Oh, we are ashamed now!†cried together the
Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick-maker, in
alarm.
“T propose three cheers for Abra!†called the Baker,
waving his hat and dancing up and down. And instantly
the whole populace gave three cheers in this form:
THE GINGER-POP COMPANY. 121
“We are ashamed! We are ashamed! We are
ashamed ! â€
Nevertheless, Abra raised the price of ginger-pop con-
siderably. But, notwithstanding that, so many wanted
to be taken as apprentices, that she was compelled to
have them to draw straws for choice. Everybody re-
turned to their trades; yet it was some time before the
town regained its former peace and prosperity; and
ginger-pop never came down to its old price.
AID the man in the moon of the dipper,
“Tf I can catch hold I'll just tip her,
And get such a drink from the long milky way,
As will keep me good-natured for many a day.â€
?
of the
stream ?â€â€™
| “Tm waiting,†said he, “till the
stream has passed by
2?
as it’s dry.
sittting so
boy,
Ne a Sitting alone on the bank
prim, »
2
{| If a brook you would cross
You must wade or must swim!â€
WVIAC © Little boy, little
A TALE OF THE CRESCENT.
(From the German.)
NE day across the desert sands,
With open Koran in his hands,
Mohammed strode, his thoughts all bent
Upon its truths, his mind intent
On how he best the world might teach
The new-born creed he came to preach.
\ ns
ree: a) CSF 2 te
MOHAMMED STRIDES,
123
124
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
But whilst he weighed these solemn things,
The hours flew by on rapid wings,
Till down upon the desert wide
The darkness fell with eventide —
And lo! from out a thicket green
A lion crept, with stealthy mien !
ey
THE LION CREEPS. +*
Oh, mortal man, whoe’er thou be,
Think not that death will flee from thee;
And why shall not this hungry beast
On prophet now and Koran feast ?
And yet with wild, heart-sickening fear
Mohammed prays help may appear.
sie ef§.
A TALE OF THE CRESCENT\\* aaa
MOHAMMED TREMBLES,
He shakes with cold, he glows with heat,
He trembles sore from head to feet ;
While toward him still, with movements sly,
And deadly purpose in his eye,
The murd’rous beast doth crouching creep,
Preparing for the fatal leap.
Taal Sa ashen
THE LION CROUCHES,
THe CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
But see! What rises from the sands
Behind Mohammed where he stands?
The dazzling moon! and right between
His quaking legs her rays are seen ;
And Leo starts. “My stars!†quoth he,
“What wondrous light is this I see?â€
THE MOON RISES.
But undismayed, with laughing eye,
The moon climbs up the eastern sky,
While yet Mohammed little dreams
The rare good luck that on him beams,
And nearly dead with frantic fears
Gives way to hot, despairing tears.
A TALE OF THE CRESCENT. 127
MOHAMMED VOWS.
How oft, in times of peril nigh,
Man seeks, by vows, escape to buy ;
And so the prophet breathes this vow —
That whosoe’er-shall save him now
Shall reap henceforth immortal fame,
And through the Koran homage claim.
e
THE LION MEDITATES.
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE LION TURNS TAIL.
Meanwhile the beast more anxious grew
As that bright light rose still in view,
And longer stretched his face with fear,
And straight on end arose each hair,
And shifting slow his crouching feet,
He seems to meditate retreat.
For now, behold! O wondrous sight !
The moon in splendor, round and bright,
Glares down; and lo! his deepening dread
Mistakes it for Mohammed’s head!
And turning fast in wild affright,
Bold Leo soon is lost to sight.
A TALE OF THE CRESCENT. 129
AND RETREATS.
At this, with wond’ring, grateful cries,
Mohammed turns his questioning eyes ;
130
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
And when the golden moon he sees
He straightway falls upon his knees —
And need we seék, or question more,
Why Turks the half-moon all adore?
And whosoe’er this tale doth doubt
Some Mussulman should now seek out ;
He will, with precepts pious, sage,
Point to it on the Koran’s page;
And say ’tis why the Turks all wear
On turbaned heads the Crescent fair.
THE TURKS ADORE THE CRESCENT.
ANOTHER NONSENSE MENAGERIE.
(Collected and arranged on the same plan as that already
exhibited.)
THE LYNX.
HIS biped, as you know, inhabits New Zealand. It is
a member of the links tribe. Its body is very
; symmetrical and graceful.
eee mg With its hind feet it could
kick a powerful blow if its tail were not in the way.
THE DOLFIN. SMe
The Dolfin, my friends, is found ay
the world over. It is not particular
about having water, as it gets along
quite well upon the land. It never
has done, and never will do, a thing
for itself. It depends entirely upon A
its friends. It lived many ages ago, ca
and all our knowledge comes from tradition and from
fossil remains. It has a modern representation. Who is
acquainted with the animal?
131
132 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
, ee SPRING CHICKENS.
VEE SS yey ee
pete Oh Py No — description
boi W * } SS ( p
Ce seems needed.)
THE CHIMPANSY.
The Chimpansy
is a native of Aus-
tralia. It is very
fierce, and much
feared by the in-
habitants, because
of its strong claws ;
when angry it tears
small trees and
plants to pieces.
At night it hangs
on the lowest
branch of a tree by
its tail, so that its
ANOTHER NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 133
head can be kept damp by the dew, which is its only
food.
When first born the head is the shape of a bird. It
attains full size at one year.
THE RABHOPPER.
The Rabhopper
is found in New
Zealand. It eats
~ bumble-bees with a
sweet smile.
THE COWGAROO.
The Cowgaroo inhab-
its the milky way. It
is an animal of medium
size, having an immense
tail, by means of which
it can jump from star
to star. When a Cow-
garoo accidentally falls to earth it becomes a meateor,
and is devoured by the people of the region where it
alights.
134 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE BIG—BUG.
The Big-bug may be found in many coun-
tries, and is too well known to need any
description. It has been said that it would
be a fine speculation to buy up these crea-
tures at the world’s valuation, and_ sell
them at their own. They are chiefly re-
markable for the singular color of their
blood, which is said to be of a bright blue.
THE DONKEEL.
The Donkeel is an inhabitant
of the Arctic Sea. He has never been seen Met
a
but once, when Ferdinand De Soto saw him on
the last voyage that he made; for the Donkeel
is shy, and only comes out of his home at
night. He is the last of his kind, but will
probably live for a hundred years longer.
Whenever there is-a fire in the Arctic Re-
gions, and people wish to start the fire-alarm,
' they pull his tail and set him braying.
ANOTHER NONSENSE MENAGERIE. 135
THE RUFFELIX.
This was an animal of Roman
origin; his name at first was Felix.
He belonged to Publius Cornelius
Leutulus Spinther, and was taken
to England with the Romans. He
was a very respectable, but very
vain beast; seeing Queen Elizabeth
out walking one day, he was so
struck with her ruff that he added one to his Roman
dress, and so was called Ruffelix.
THE WATCH—-DOG.
This dog has but two legs, but
he has a pair of hands to make
up for the loss. He is an ani-
mal of queer habits. By twist-
ing his tail a little each day
he is kept constantly running.
And one can always tell just how far he has run by simply
looking at him.
136 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE CATALOGUE.
The Catalogue
lives in all parts of
the civilized world. —
He is so gentle, the
ay
people keep him in their libraries. He feeds upon dates,
and grows fat on them.
A MISTAKE.
AID the needle, “I’ve swallowed a thread,â€
And forthwith he set up a cry;
But the pm on the cushion, she laughingly said,
“Now, surely, that’s all in your eye.â€
Phe. EET EE. RED LIZARD:
LITTLE Red Lizard lived in a spring,
Close by a frog that was learning to sing.
“Such discordant struggles to get up to G,â€
Said the Little Red Lizard, “are too much for me.â€
‘““THE QUEEN OF TOLOO MADE A FRIGHTFUL ADO.�
THE QUEEN. OF TOLOO.
BY CLARA J. DENTON.
THE Queen of Toloo
Made a frightful ado ;
They ran to see what was the matter ;
Her cup was upset,
No milk could she get,
And that was the cause of the clatter. ©
There were looks of dismay,
But her maiden so gay
Flew down to the kitchen instanter,
And brought up some more,
Which she quickly did pour
From the mouth of a silver decanter.
But the Queen of Toloo
Cried, “ That will not do,
T tell you I want back the other!â€
Now what could they do
With this Queen of Toloo ? —
They sent her right in to her mother!
139
A PICNIC.
DOG, a cat, and a kitten,
They all went out to see
A bug that danced, and a frog that sang,
And a mouse that climbed a tree.
The dog had an umbrella,
A fan adorned the cat,
The kitten was dressed in a pea-green silk
And a most astounding hat.
Ah, it was picnic weather,
All on a summer day;
And they had some bread and meat for lunch
And cake to give away. “
?
The bug then danced superbly,
The mouse sped up a tree,
The frog sang sweet of a ship that sailed
Across the sunlit sea.
140
“THE KITTEN WAS DRESSED IN A PEA-GREEN SILK AND A MOST ASTOUNDING HaT.’?
141
A PICNIC. 143
And swift the hours went fleeting
Along the day’s bright course,
Till the bug and mouse were weary grown;
The frog was getting hoarse.
ee
‘THE BUG THEN DANCED SUPERBLY.â€
So arm in arm together,
When low the sun’ sank down,
They took their way through the gloaming gray,
Back to their home in town.
ae =
THE PINK HOUSE.
IN SEARCH OF NO-WORK_ LAND.
OLLY, Polly, and Molly were tired of three things:
tired of washing cups, of dusting, and of setting
the table. They resolved to seek a country where it
was all play and no work.
They went west. They took a path that led through
a meadow of golden cowslips, over a stile, across a
stone bridge with a round arch, till they came to a
dark wood of whispering pines.
144
IN SEARCH OF NO-WORK LAND. 145
A narrow winding path led through this wood. The
path grew so dark as they went on they were at last
obliged to take their cats out of their baskets, in order
that their eyes might light the way. (I need not
remind you that cats’ eyes are very bright in the
dark.)
At last they came out into the sunniest, sweetest
place possible. It was all shut in by the dark woods,
and in the centre stood a small house made of pink
bricks, and thatched with pink heather. A cage hung
under the thatch containing a pink parrot, and great
pink sunflowers clustered around it. In front stood a
row of three pink chairs.
They entered, and, wonder of wonders! the room was
furnished with three small tables, each standing on a
pink rug. On each table was a mug, a plate, a knife
and fork, a spoon, a butter-plate, a pitcher, and a nap-
kin. All these were pink. The napkins had a white
ground with pink drops and pink fringe. On the wall
hung three pictures, and in the window were three pink
and white flower-pots.
Beyond this room was a second, and in this were
146 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
three small beds, three washstands, three dressing-tables
with mirrors, and three hooks on the wall. .
“This is the very place we are looking for,’ said
Dolly. “It was made for us three;†and they took
off their bonnets and
shawls, hung them on-
the three hooks, and
then went out and sat
down in the three chairs.
Each took her cat.
As the sun came round
the house they moved
into the shade of the
IN THE SHADE OF THE SUNFLOWERS. ©
sunflowers.
“Ho! ho! here they come!†shrieked the pink par-
rot. And just at that moment they heard voices sing-
ing this song:
“Three jolly young farmers are we, ho! ho!
We plough and we plant and we hoe, ho! ho!
We go to bed early and we rise with the sun,
And we never think of stopping till our work is done.
IN SEARCH OF NO-WORK LAND. 147
Ho! ho! we're jolly, ho! ho!
It’s great fun to work,
We never want to shirk,
We work all the day
A-making of the hay,
It’s better fun than play.
With a ho! ho! ho! and a ho! ho! ho!
Three jolly young farmers are we, ho! ho!â€
The voices sounded lke those of lttle men, and
pretty soon the three girls saw them coming up the
path singing as they came. Each wore a smock-frock and
carried a pitch-fork
and a singing-book.
They stopped when
they saw the three
girls and lifted their
hats. |
“You are wel-
come, ladies,†said
Ted. ““ Will you be
pleased to enter our
‘““PHREE JOLLY YOUNG FARMERS ARE WE, HO! HO!â€
148 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
humble habitation?†said Ned. “And sup with us?â€
added Jed, for these were their names.
“Oh! weve been in,’ replied Dolly. “And we're
going to stay,’ added Polly. “We and our cats,†said
Molly. “ For we're tired of work,†they all said together.
“ Stay!†said Ned. “Stay!!†said Ted. “STAY!!!â€
said Jed. “Certainly,†they cried, all together. “We
shall be pleased to have you, if you will do our
housework. We are looking for housemaids!â€â€™
At this Dolly, Molly, and Polly arose in great wrath.
“Housework! that’s just what we came to be rid of!
housework, indeed! no, we'll
return to our home and our
parents.â€
“That is the best thing
you can do, ladies,†replied
Ned and Ted and Jed.
So the three little maidens
‘* HOUSEWORK, INDEED!â€
picked up their cats, put on their
bonnets and shawls, and went back through the dark woods
and over the bridge and the stile back to their home.
“Housework, indeed!†said they from under their
bonnets.
MY-YAN AND THE PELICAN.
PON the bridge fished old My-
acy
With might a fish up-jerked My-
Yan !
Swoop! swallowing stood the Peli-
can.
149
THE LOST BROTHER.
(A Story of the Boyhood of the Wise Men of Gotham.)
AY be in Essex, may be in Kent,
Or on the borders of the Trent,
Somewhere they dwelt, I know not where,
These twice six men, so wise and rare.
Gotham was called their native town,
_Search for it up, search for it down;
But though their dwelling we cannot fix,
You now shall hear their clever tricks.
150
THE LOST BROTHER. 151
These men, when boys, went out to bathe one day,
A lovely morning in the month of May.
The sun it shone upon the river bright,
While in they plunged and swam with all their might.
They dived and floated, shouting merrily,
And were as full of fun as boys can be.
But when, the play all over, they were dressed,
They said among themelves, “’Twould sure be best
To see if, now we've had our pleasant game,
We are as many as when out we came.â€
Then one began to count; but he with awe
Said that eleven, and no more, he saw.
He thought that he had told the lot;
To count himself he quite forgot.
“You must be wrong,†another said. “Let me
Go through them, and they’ll all come right, you'll see.â€
Gayly he said, “One, two, three, four†— until
He reached eleven, when his heart stood still!
He thought that he had told the lot;
To count himself he quite forgot.
152 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Then each lad, thinking he could reckon best,
Tried, but to find eleven like the rest.
Each thought that he had told the lot —
And each to count himself forgot.
“THEN ONE BEGAN TO COUNT.’
Then it was true! they'd learned it to their cost;
One of the merry party had been lost,
And now their fear and horror found relief
In loud lament and tears of bitter grief.
Just at this time a traveller passed by
And sought to know the reason of their cry.
“Ho! Gotham lads,†he cried, “ what’s all this clatter?
Come near, and tell me what there is the matter.â€
THE LOST BROTHER. ie
“Dear sir,’ one answered, “when we left our home
Twelve of us did unto the river come,
But now eleven only can we find,
Yet know not which it is we've left behind.â€
In chorus they all sobbed, “ Boo-hoo, Boo-hoo !
We see that one is drowned; we don’t know who.â€
“NOW COUNT THE HOLES.â€
The traveller loudly laughed. “My lads,†said he,
“Tis really sad that you so sharp should be ;
For boys, they say, who’re so uncommon clever
Live to grow up to manhood hardly ever.
134, THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Now lie down on the ground in two straight rows,
And in the sand make holes, each with his nose.â€
When they a little time thus still had laid
He bade them rise, and count the holes they'd made.
Oh, then to gladness turned their deep despair,
For, looking on the ground, twelve holes were there!
“WE'RE ALL ALIVE!â€
To tell their joy it would be vain to strive,
As they with rapture cried, “ We’re all alive!
Thank you, kind sir, for finding our lost brother!â€
“Right welcome, lads,’ the jolly traveller said ;
“And now hie home, each youngster to his mother!â€
And then he laughed and laughed and shook his head.
THE OEEAGcONT TOR:
HERE were, besides myself, at the Ranch
of the Plum-trees, Heygendorf, Carling,
and Carling’s English cousin, Augustus
Bolingbrooke, whom it had been neces-
sary for Heygendorf to ask, as Carling
could not go without him. For three
days we were a jolly lot, but the fourth
morning there was nothing to do, so we
seated ourselves in a circle under the
weeping willow and began to talk.
“Tf we weren't so sick of the sight of plums we
might go over to the orchard and shake the trees; I
wish I hadn’t eaten so many the first day,†said
Heygendorf.
“We might go fishing, if the streams weren’t running
dry,†I ventured to remark.
“Tf those mustangs didn’t cut up such shines we
might saddle them and have some fun,†said Carling.
155
156 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Bolingbrooke, as he listened to these valuable suggestions
toward what might be done, gave a sort of grunt.
He was in a dangerous- mood. Late the day before
he had been bucked off a mustang, and had sprained
both his ankles; but that was the least of his mis-
fortunes. We natives had neglected to warn him; and,
the first day, he had walked with the assurance of a
drum-major into a clump of poison-oak. In twenty-
four hours his face and head had swollen out to the size
of a butter-tub, and he was obliged to spend every
spare moment afterwards, bathing his stinging hands and
face with an odoriferous lotion.
“Yes,†he said, under the willow, shaking the quart
bottle up and down, “America is beastly all around;
beastly shrubs, beastly nags, beastly plums, too.â€
Heygendorf was sorting a box of firecrackers; for the
next day but one was the Fourth.
“You said the first day,’ he observed, looking up,
“that the plums weren’t half-bad.â€
a9
“Oh! of course they’re big,†Bolingbrooke agreed,
“and if you go in for having plums as big as a helmet
you're successful; but in England, you know, we go in
THE FLAG ON TOP. 157
for having plums small, and tasting like something else
besides a mealy potato, you know.â€
To this Heygendorf replied:
“Tf you don’t like the plums here, you needn’t feel
called upon to eat any more, I’m sure.â€
“This is the first time,’ Bolingbrooke retorted with
asperity, “that I have stayed at a house where the
person who invited me has told me what I may and
what I may not eat. I’m quite ready to go back to
San Francisco.â€
“My goodness, Bolingbrooke!†said Heygendorf, “I
didn’t mean anything; eat whatever you take a fancy
to. I didn’t like your talking that way about American
plums, that’s all.â€
Bolingbrooke was mollified, but did not refrain from
observing that what he said about the plums was true
about the peaches. This brought on a wordy war that
raged steadily until night.
“You fellows,†said Bolingbrooke, by way of good-
night, “think I am a boasting cad when I simply say
that English things are on top the world over, you
know.â€
158 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
The next day we had planned a seventeen-mile drive
to a town where a circus was advertised. Bolingbrooke
at the last moment decided not to go. He preferred
to stay at the ranch and look after his ailments,
assuring us, with a return of his previous manner, that
there was no necessity for him to go to a little
American show; he had seen things at home. Mr.
and Mrs. Chapin, the people who lived on the place,
went with us; so we drove off, leaving Bolingbrooke
alone with the Chinese boy-of-all-work. _
Our expedition was a chapter of accidents; we got to
the town to find that the circus was giving a matinee
somewhere else. We posted on to the next town, hoping
to be in time for the evening performance; but we
lost our way, and at last, very much disgusted, we turned
back, reaching the ranch at eleven o'clock.
Bolingbrooke was sitting on the porch railing, drown-
ing the perfume of the La Marque roses with the
pungent odor of his uncorked poison-oak lotion, as we
drove up. ;
“Was the show half-bad?†he asked, with just a
suspicion of amusement in his tone.
THE FLAG ON TOP. 159
“We didn’t see any,’ said Heygendorf; “and I wish
to goodness you were in bed,’ he added, under his
breath.
“Really, now, was it’ a sell?†Bolingbrooke asked,
as though he were very sorry. “Tve had no end of
fun to-day, myself, barring the sprains and the nasty
poison.â€
We were too low-spirited to ask what he had been
up to; and it was not until the next day—the Fourth
—that we discovered.
Heygendorf had made great preparations for the cele-
bration. He had coaxed Mrs. Chapin into getting up
a special dinner; he had brought down a murderous
assortment of Chinese bombs and fireworks from San
Francisco; and he had asked a crowd of boys who
were staying at the sulphur springs in the mountains
to come down and. take part in the festivities.
The morning of the Fourth we tumbled out of bed
at half-past two, for the Chinese boy, Wong Fin Choo,
according to the programme, exploded a basket-bomb
under the front windows, as a signal for us to appear
and proceed to the alfalfa field, to hoist the flag which
had been fastened to the ropes the day before.
160 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Bolingbrooke hobbled along with us, declaring that
he would not miss seeing the hoisting of an American
flag, for worlds.
“Our flag is on top so often, somehow,’ he ex-
plained, “that English chaps can afford to be generous
with other fellows’ flags now and then, you know.â€
“Now, that’s decent of you, Bolingbrooke,’ said
Heygendorf, cordially, “and [I’m sure we would all do
the same for you if we had the chance.â€
“Perhaps,†Carling drawled, suspiciously. He knew
his cousin, of course, better than we did.
The flag was run up amid cheering and hurrahing.
The flag-staff held its head very high; once it had
been a king in a redwood forest; and we went back
to the house conscious that when it was fairly light
the flag would be seen for miles around. While we
sat on the porch waiting for breakfast, and throwing
lighted bombs out on the lawn to explode, we bragged,
for Bolingbrooke’s benefit, about America.
“Fancy!†he would say softly, after each climax;
“but the English flag is most always found on top,
you know,’ he would conclude; to which boastful
oe
THE FLAG ON TOP. 161
declaration there was not given a wnanimous con-
sent. |
The dining-room was at the back of the house, with
windows overlooking the alfalfa field, and when we were
called to breakfast we went first to see our flag. There
was a capital breeze; the flag hung out stiff and
gloriously straight.
“Isn't it great?†said Carling, enthusiastically.
“What's that just above it, though?†I asked. There
was something small and red over the flag and beneath
the gilded ball on the top of the pole.
“Sure enough,†said Heygendorf, squinting; “how-
ever did that little red rag with a splotch in the
corner get up there?â€
“*Red rag with a splotch in the corner!’†repeated
Bolingbrooke, with scorn ; “‘red rag,’ you little American
ignoramus! That's the English flag, the ensign of Great
Britain and the Queen, God bless her!â€
“Well, but we don’t want it up there,†Heygendorf
shouted. “How did it get there, hey?â€
“Oh! the English flag always gets on top, somehow,â€
said Bolingbrooke, with a calm smile.
ioe THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“You climbed to the top and nailed it on, did you?â€
Carling asked, starmg at his relative.
“Really, now, you're chaffing,†Bolingbrooke replied ;
“you can’t think that I could climb to the top of
that pole in the condition I am in, with sprains and
swelled-out hands! It’s nailed on, but I didn’t do it,
on my honor; it isn’t odd, however, that the English
flag should get on top.â€
“T must say you took a good deal upon yourself to
go and have it put there,’ said Heygendorf. “It will
be down after breakfast, let me tell you.â€
“T am afraid it’s up for some time, you know,â€
said Bolingbrooke.
We hurried over our breakfast, and, immediately after,
Heygendorf called me aside.
“The only person home with him was Wong; he
probably made Wong climb the pole —a Chinaman
would waltz on his head if you paid him for it.â€
Wong was summoned, and we pumped him in-
dustriously, as we walked toward the alfalfa field, but
he was not communicative.
“T not know,†was the only response he would give
THE FLAG ON TOP. ~ 163
to our questions about the red flag. When at last he
was asked to shin up the pole and fetch it down, he
gave one look at the dizzy height and refused point-
blank. “No can,†he said, shaking his head.
“Q Wong! look here,’ said Heygendorf, showing
him a quarter.
“Too littee, no can; heap steep,†he said.
“Chip in,’ said Heygendorf to me. I chipped in.
Wong could stand it no longer.
“All light, I tly,’ he said.
We watched him breathlessly, as, when he had taken
off his slippers and stockings, he wrapped his strong
brown arms around the staff, and then hunched him-
self up slowly, like a caterpillar. When he was twelve
feet from the ground he slipped back suddenly, and
came whizzmg down to the ground in stunning style,
his cue sticking straight out behind a good yard. We
were too surprised to help him, and he lit on _ his
elbows with great force, giving, with reason, a pro-
longed, angry howl.
“No can,†he said, when he had his breath again;
and jumping to his feet he ran with a good will out
164 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
of the reach of temptation. We followed more slowly,
trying to devise a plan for bringing down the odious
flag, but at last we gave it up, acknowledging that
the only way was to chop down the flag-staff.
“T couldn't do that,†said Heygendorf, grinding his
teeth, “for my father would never forgive me if he
found it out. He just dotes on that pole; it’s the
tallest one in the country.â€
The other fellows were expected at two, and it was
maddening to think of their questions and comments.
They came up the road at the appointed time; the hay-
wagon they drove was enveloped in such a cloud of —
dust that we could not see the glory of their get-up
uptil they were inside the gate. The hay-rack was
draped with red, white, and blue bunting, flags were
g
stuck erect by the horses’ ears, and a white balloon,
with two crossed American flags painted on each side,
was tied in the button-hole of each boy’s lapel.
Victor Dupont, the French boy, sat in front with J ones,
who’ drove. But as they strolled toward us after an
inspection of the premises, Victor’s first question was:
“What is it, Heygendorf, that hangs to dry from
“WHAT IS 1T THAT HANGS TO-DAY FROM YOUR FLAG-STAFF?� ASKED VICTOR.
165
THE FLAG ON TOP. 167
your flag-staff? We have seen it miles away from the
mountains.â€
“Tt’s the English flag,’ Heygendorf answered, curtly.
“The English flag!’ the boys exclaimed in a. sur-
prised chorus. . .
“Flying out of compliment to me,’ Bolingbrooke said,
easily.
“Tt’?s flown long enough, too,†said Heygendorf. “I
hope some of you fellows know how to get it down;
it’s nailed to the staff; it isn’t on the pulleys.â€
Not one of the new-comers could suggest a practi-
cable method,- though each one in turn recommended
some one else to scramble up at the risk of his life
and fetch down the flag.
“T wish,’ said Alphonse (French Victor’s “little
monkey†brother) —“I wish that one had the acquaint-
ance of the circus climber I have seen yesterday at
the circus; he could make the grand climb.â€
“Yes; he’s the one I had to put up the flag,†Boling-
brooke confessed; “the show-people went by yesterday ;
in fact, they stopped here for water, and I got the
fellow to climb for me. He had the flag, when he was
168 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
showing in Australia, and I saw it lying on top of
some of the luggage. I felt a little homesick, so I had
the flag up and flying in no time. There’s always
plenty of room at the top, you know.â€
“Well,†said Heygendorf, in the tone he had used
in the morning,
upon yourself.â€
“T must say you took a good deal
“JT merely thought I would tell you so that none
of you need break your necks trying to do what only
a professional chap can do. The flag’s up for good;
even I can’t get it down, you know,’ Bolingbrooke
said, dangling his long legs over the porch railing and
smiling at his furious hearers.
At three o'clock we sat down to dinner, served out
of doors under a willow that hung its dense branches
to the ground, making a kind of green tent, though
whenever the west wind chose it could push the swing-
ing willow streamers aside, and we could see the
despised red flag flymg gayly out in the alfalfa field,
above our stars and stripes.
At such times Bolingbrooke would observe brazenly :
“T say, isn’t that jolly?â€
THE FLAG ON TOP.
169
RANCH OF THE PLUM-TREES.
JULY FOURTH.
Who murmurs at his lot to-day?
Who scorns his native fruit and bloom
Or sighs for dainties far away
Beside the bounteous board of home?
WHITTIER.
» . MENU...
MULLIGATAWNEY SOUP.
Beautiful soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful soup!
Lewis CARROLL.
SARDINES—IN THE .CAN.
When Duty whispers low, Thou must,
The youth replies, I can.
EMERSON.
ROAST CHICKEN,
plenty of baked potatoes, for instance.
Lots of chicking
DICKENS.
Lor’?! wasn’t it prime?
LETTUCE SALAD.
My salad days when J was green in judgment.
SHAKSPERE.
WASHINGTON PIE.
T was thinking who was king of England when this old pie was baked.
ILouMES.
Red, Blue, Green— PLUMS — Yellow, Purple, Striped.
We put in his thumb and pulled out a plum.
MoraEr Goose.
The plums were globes of honeyed wine.
ALDRICH.
COFFEE.
Black it stood as night.
MILTON.
THE MENU CARD AT THE FOURTH OF JULY DINNER,
170
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
THE DAY WE CELEBRATE. . . . - Victor Dupont,
‘ For Freedom’s battle once begun,
Bequeathed by bleeding sire to son,
Though bafiled oft, is ever won.
BYRON.
(Too miaed on his dates. — C.)
GEORGE WASHINGTON... . .. Thomas Van Dorn,
Fame was too earnest in her joy, too proud of such a son,
To let a robe and title mask a noble Washington.
Eviza Coox.
OLD ENGLAND... ..... Augustus Bolingbrooke.
O, brothers! speaking the same dear mother-tongue,
O, comrades! enemies no more.
THACKERAY.
(Short and sharp. Said showoffy. Didn’t know he was going to be asked.
‘ib. — @.)
OUR OWN COUNTRY... .. . Wilfred McChesney.
Sail on, O Union, strong and great!
LONGFELLOW.
(Mac great old bore. — C.)
FLEES GERIGS? ay eas oo cs. Pole aici’: Harry Jones.
How-de-do, how-de-do, little girls?
THE Muxapo.
(Jonesey too flowery; laughed down; served him right. — C0.)
CALIFORNIA . . . + . . . . . + Bertie Carling.
Gayly bedight,
A gallant knight,
In sunshine and in shadow,
Had journeyed long,
Singing a song,
In search of Eldorado.
Por.
(Not much applause; but best af the lot, just the same.— C).
CHORUS: Yankee Doodle.
THE TOASTS AT THE FOURTH OF JULY DINNER.
THE FLAG ON TOP. I71
“You took a good deal upon yourself,†Heygendorf
would retort at such times, in solemn Indignation.
In spite of these disturbing interruptions we enjoyed
the dinner. Compton, a quiet, booky chap, wrote the
menus and the toasts, which I copy, for I kept my
card as a souvenir. The criticisms on the speeches are
not mine. Carling sat next me, and was good enough
to scribble down what he thought of the effusions.
The chorus never came off, owing to something that
appeared on the scene just as Jones was trying the
chords on his banjo. I have mentioned the balloons
which the boys who came down from the Springs wore.
Finding his in the way, Compton, just before dinner,
took it off and fastened it to the porch railing. The
others, with the exception of Alphonse Dupont, followed
his example. Little Alphonse secretly and wickedly fast-
ened the string of his balloon around the neck of a lame
game-cock, and then left the poor thing to its own
devices. When it came breaking in upon our festivities
it was in a frantic condition.
“See! he knows not how to make of himself,†said
Alphonse complacently, as he paraded up and down
172 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
before the porch, with one of Heygendorf’s prize grape
clusters at shoulder arms; “he would make the head go
to the ground, and behold! it is jerked up of itself.â€
“JT have an idea,†exclaimed Compton, springing to
his feet. Compton never speaks unless he does have
an idea, and we looked at him with respectful attention.
“Tl tell Heygendorf, and come on, you, too, Van;
get me some fish-hooks and a line,†he said to me,
catching the puzzled bird under his arm. “Don’t - you
other fellows look; you will know in fifteen minutes.â€
He started on a run to the porch, where he unfastened
all the balloons from the railing. I got the fish-hooks
and the line as he directed, and then tore along after
him. A queer figure he cut, flying over the ground
toward the alfalfa field, with the squawking game-cock
under one arm, the bunch of bobbing balloons under
the other, and Heygendorf at his heels, hatless, breath-
less, bawling the question, “What under the sun, Compy,
are you going to do, hey?â€
When I climbed the bars into the field, I turned
and saw back of me all the banqueters, who, far too
curious to obey Compton’s parting injunction not to
LITTLE ALPHONSE.
173
THE FLAG ON TOP. 175
look, were racing along, their napkins over their arms,
headed by Bolingbrooke, who was making remarkable
time for a lame person. I saw Wong Fin Choo also
clippmg it over the stubble, the lemonade pitcher still
in his hand, and back of him were Mr. and Mrs.
Chapin on a brisk trot. I paused only a moment to
admire the Fourth of July procession, which we after-
wards agreed beat anything that Heygendorf had on his
carefully arranged programme. Compton stopped at the
base of the flag-staff. ;
“Now, then,†said he, “lower the flag.â€
Heygendorf and I jerked the pulleys as the flag
dropped. Bolingbrooke shouted, and the other boys pro-
tested angrily.
“Ah, there; shame, there; up with our flag!†they
cried in a kind of chorus, as they tumbled helter-
skelter over the bars. Compton stood with his shoulders
back, like a fellow who knows his business and means
to carry it on. He took two large fish-hooks from me
and bound them firmly to the rooster’s legs, hooks
down beneath the feet. Then he unreeled the fish-line
and tied it loosely around the body back of the wings,
176 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
putting his handkerchief, folded
like a bandage, beneath the cord.
The cock was a light, clean-
limbed fighter, and as he had
been neatly plucked in a late
battle he did not weigh more
than a pound. With the cries
of disapproval growing into
shouts of approbation, Comp-
ton began tying the balloons
fore and aft of the dejected
fowl. As the last balloon
was secured he let go, and
up into space sailed all the
balloons with their
outlandish burden.
Compton, hold-
ing and unreeling
the long fish-line,
stationed himself
“THE FOURTH OF JULY
PROCESSION. back against the
flag-staft from
THE FLAG ON TOP. 177
which the British ensign waved in impudent glory.
The cock was scolding, and working its legs as though
it were in a tread-mill.
“Now tell me,†said Compton, who
is near-sighted, — “tell me when it is
on a level with the top.â€
We watched it eagerly, and broke
into a shout when it was side by
side with the red flag. Compton
ceased unreeling and made a knot in
the line.
“Now,†asked Alphonse, dancing
about in furious excitement; “will
the rooster remove the flag? Is he
bewitched by a fairy? Does he know
of himself to take it off?â€
“Yes,†said Compton, “watch him;
he'll bring that flag down under his i
Ma |
“Ah!†said Bolingbrooke; “the mu noosren axp tue rxsq,
beastly thing has fastened one of his claws into the
flag.â€
ay
arm.
178 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“That’s the best news yet,†said Compton, pulling off
to the right with the line.
“Tt’s torn—the flag’s torn!†said Carling, swinging
his hat; “now then, it will be in shreds before
long.â€
The rooster up in the airy heights continued to work
like a major, clutching the flag again and again with
his fish-hook claws, and tearing it imto shreds.
“T can’t see myself that the flag doesn’t make as
good a showing fringed as it did when it was whole,
you know,†said Bolingbrooke. “Whatever are you
trying to do?â€
“That's what we are trying to do,†said Compton
triumphantly, as the rooster by a fortunate stroke ripped
the flag off the nail, and, tattered and torn, it floated
down, to rest like a boomerang at Bolingbrooke’s feet.
Compton speedily brought the rooster to the ground
and unfastened the balloons, the fish-hooks, and the other
trappings. The patriotic bird would have received an
enthusiastic ovation had he only remained, but he chose
to flee to the woods, from which he did not emerge
for days.
THE FLAG ON TOP.
179
We ran up the stars and stripes, cheering until we
were hoarse.
“What use are you going to
make with your red flag, eh?â€
asked Alphonse, when he had
finished.
“Oh! you may have it,†said
Bolingbrooke, generously. “You
American chaps are rather patri-
otic, after all. At home, in Ene-
land, you know, we say you aren't. /
If I knew you would kick up such “1;
a row I wouldn’t have had my
flag up.â€
“We like to see our own flag on top in onr /i/
own country at least,†said Jones. tf
emia eS
See =
Ss
cre "
“ And we don’t mind if it gets on top in other \
people’s countries, either,’ exclaimed Heygen-
J
dort.
“That's the way I feel, too, about my flag,â€
Bolingbrooke, with an expansive smile.
he, a i |
d A |
3 BL i
PANO fH | ji i
i
said
“ Well,’ Heygendorf observed, as he had observed at in-
tervals of about five minutes during that day, “I must
say, Bolingbrooke, you took a good deal upon yourself;
but T’ll do the same for you if I ever get the chance.â€
EFFECTIVE DECORATION.
HIS esthetic artillery man
Has a purpose to do what he can
To instil the fine arts
In the heathenish parts
Of the earth, on a fresh sort of plan.
Of those painted projectiles each
one
He will ram in a thirty-pound
gun,
And then fire it plump
Among heathen, who'll
jump
With delight at the way it is
“ done.â€
180
THE ESTHETIC ARTILLERY MAN.
181
Peay
Me
A SAVAGE BEAST.
il AM not very savage, and yet I declare
I have given that queer little creature a scare!
It’s funny if I am the cause of her fright:
I hear her there, asking her nurse, — “ Will he bite ?â€
183
A RACE.
URRAH! hurrah!
Over the frozen stream,
Swift of foot and eager of. face.
Where the snow and hoar-frost gleam,
Laughter, and shouts, and warning cries,
Echo the woodland through,
As bounding, scrambling, scurrying flies
The jostling, merry rabbit crew,
Driven by elves as wild as they,
Gliding after, with reins held fast.
See! one mad Bunny has broken away,
Fearful his team should be in at the last;
And out from the thicket in dazed surprise
His staid old parents are peeping,
Wond’ring, perhaps, a-rubbing their eyes,
If they're really waking or sleeping.
‘DRIVEN BY ELVES AS WILD AS THEY.â€
185
IN A THUNDERSTORM.
RS. TYLER was nervous. It is with hesitation
that we approach the subject; for she declared
that no one but herself could imagine the nervous tor-
ments which she endured. She certainly behaved pecul-
larly. When the boys played ball in the yard, she
would send the servant out to stop their loud cries;
yet, as Tommy remarked, she could listen to Ida sing-
ing out of tune by the hour. It acted upon her nerves
to look over a few pages of a picture-book; yet she
could tire out: the sturdy Tommy himself, if they went
shopping. :
But if there was any one thing which utterly over-
powered her nervous system, it was a thunderstorm.
ven a cart rumbling over the pavement made her
tremble, for it. was so like the thunder. For an hour
before a thunderstorm, she suffered the agonies of antici-
pation; for an hour after, she was prostrated with the
tortures of memory.
The rest of the Tyler family had once looked upon
187
188 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
her dread of thunder with respectful pity; but their
feelings gradually changed. Mr. Tyler was the first to
be worked upon by her fears, and in time actually
became a partaker m them. Then the two children
began to think that to be afraid of thunder and lght-
ning might not be so absurd, if even their father was
uneasy while a thunderstorm was in progress. Tommy
was the last to give way. He enjoyed teasing Ida
because of her timidity; but once, while he was making
fun of her, their father took him to task, and hinted
that Ida’s terrors were not without- foundation.
After Tommy’s conversion, the whole family could
give free rein to their fear with no danger of being
laughed at; for where all live in glass houses, no one
dares to throw a stone.
At the approach of a thunderstorm the entire family,
by common consent, went solemnly to Mrs. Tyler's
room. When the storm reached the house, they left
the room for a large closet opening out of it. This
closet was nearly in the middle of the house, and had
no window, so that they could not see the lghtning.
They could, however, hear the thunder, and when this
IN A’ THUNDERSTORM. 189
was louder than usual, Mrs. Tyler would ask her hus-
band to fetch the feather mattress from her bed. On
this she would sit—the others, as a rule, not taking
the extra precaution — until the storm abated.
One bright summer day, several years ago, Elsie Rogers
came over to play dolls with Ida. It was warm, so
the httle girls went out into the front yard, and played
that their dolls were having a garden party. Ida’s doll,
of course, was receiving; while Elsie’s, arrayed in first
one dress and then another, impersonated the visitors.
There were no gentlemen; but, as Elsie observed, gen-
tlemen do not often come. to receptions. Of course it
took time for Elsie’s doll to change her identity, and
Ida's made use of every opportunity to put on a new
costume.
“Now this is Mrs. Cleveland,†said Elsie, “and yours
can be Mrs. Harrison.â€
“Do you suppose they ever call on each other?â€
asked Ida.
“No, perhaps not,†replied Elsie; “but they must do
as we say. And besides,†she added, gravely, “I sup-
pose it would be better for the nation if they were
friends.†.
:
190 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Well, then,’ said Ida, “we'll have them meet —
O Elsie! look at that great black thundercloud! 0,
dear! lLet’s run into the house !â€
“Ho!†said Elsie. “Who cares for the cloud? Just
look at it, Ida’? —but Ida had run into the house
MRS. CLEVELAND AND MKS. HARRISON.
with Mrs. Harrison, leaving the reconciliation of the
nation unfinished.
Elsie stayed sittmg on the grass with Mrs. Cleveland
in her arms, watching the great black cloud sail up
from the western horizon, and rise higher and higher
IN A THUNDERSTORM. I9I
till it covered half the sky. She was not frightened ;
but apparently Mrs. Cleveland was a ‘little timid, for
Elsie kept reassuring her. “There, there,†she said,
“the cloud won't do you any harm; and besides, Mr.
Cleveland— or Grover, I suppose you call him — will
come home soon.â€
“Elsie!†called Mrs. Tyler from the window; “come
in this instant, before the rain comes!†And she shut
down the sash with a slam, as if she was afraid that
the lightning would jump in before she could close the
window. Elsie could hear the rain coming, and as she
walked up to the front door a few drops made black
spots on the piazza steps, and one hit Mrs. Cleveland’s
foot.
Ida was at the door, looking pale and frightened.
“Come upstairs,’ she said, and turned to go.
“Why, what’s the matter, Ida?†cried Elsie. “ Aren’t
you well? I never saw you look so. Let's come into
the parlor and play some more dolls.â€
“No,†said Ida; “come upstairs. They're all up
there.†Then she dashed away, followed more slowly
by Elsie.
192 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“You are looking so pale, I should think it was a
funeral,†said Elsie, followmg her friend to Mrs. Tyler’s
room. When she reached the threshold she stopped,
astonished.
There sat the Tyler family, looking as solemn as if
they had met with a terrible misfortune. Tommy was
clasping one of his mother’s hands, while she held a
' handkerchief to her eyes with the other. Mr. Tyler was
gazing gloomily out of the window. Ida had taken her
seat next him, and was looking down sadly. Elsie
thought that the scene would have made a good sub-
ject for one of Rogers’ groups. It might be called
“Grandma is dead.†But it was impossible to be merry
for more than a moment in such an atmosphere. Mrs.
Tyler motioned her to an empty chair, and she sat
down, still wanting to laugh, but overawed by the
presence of Mr. Tyler.
Just after Elsie’s arrival, the rain began to come
down hard, and once in a while they could hear a
low growl of thunder. Every time the lightning flashed,
Mrs. Tyler counted, softly but audibly, to see how many
miles away it was. She allowed about one second to
IN A THUNDERSTORM. 193
a mile. When the lightning was six miles away, she
got up slowly and walked to the closet door. The
rest followed, each taking a chair. Elsie went last. It
was dark in the closet, but after a few moments her
eyes became accustomed to the gloom, and she could
see the outlines of the Tylers sitting round in a circle.
No one said a word.
Meanwhile the storm was getting furious. They could
not see the lightning, and this must have been trying
for Mrs. Tyler, for she had no foundation, except her
imagination, on which to base her idea of the distance
of each thunderbolt. Even with the door closed, the
thunder was very loud. After one burst more terrible
than any before, Mr. Tyler went out of the door,
closing it after him.
“OQ Alfred!’ murmured Mrs. Tyler.
A moment afterwards he reéntered the closet, d rageing
in a large feather mattress. This he placed in the
centre, while Tommy shut the door. Luckily there had
been no lightning while the door was open. Mrs. Tyler
sat down on the middle of the mattress, and all was
quiet again.
194 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Elsie had taken advantage of the interval of light
to look at her watch. It was supper-time, and she
knew that her mother was expecting her. Still, there
was something contagious about the perfect silence. It
seemed disrespectful to break it. She was on the point
of opening her mouth several times, but always stopped
at the last moment. However, something must be done,
for the storm was still raging, and this sort of thing
could not go on forever. Finally she nerved herself to
the effort, and said, rismg from her chair:
“Well, it’s getting pretty late, and I thnk I must
go home now, Ida.†.
No one said anything for a moment; and then Mrs.
Tyler answered her:
“Why, my dear child, I never could think of letting
you go out in such weather, the thunder and lightning
are so dreadful; and be’ — she was interrupted by a
crashing peal, which began very loud, and died away
in slow mutterings.
-“Yes; but mamma expects me,†said Elsie.
“T am sure,†said Mr. Tyler gravely, as if he were
talking in a church,— “that is, I hope, that your mother
g
6
I
“ELSIE FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR.â€
IN A THUNDERSTORM. 197
would not be imprudent enough to wish you to go
outdoors in such a storm. It is true your house is
not far off — not far off — in fact, only across the street ;
yet I was reading in the paper the other day that a
man was struck by lightning while opening his own
gate.†.
Mr. Tyler stopped, as if he were fully satisfied with
his argument; and the rest of the family murmured
assent. r
Hilsie’s heart swelled within her. She walked to the
door and then turned and said, “Well! I never would
have thought that people could be so silly!†She
stopped a moment. It was dark, but she was close to
Ida, and could see the astonishment in her face. “I’ve
often been out in a thunderstorm,†she went on, “and
nothing ever happened to me. And I don’t think it’s
a bit more dangerous in the street than in the house.
And if I were the lightning, Pd just like to hit people
who were scared of me, and went into a closet and
sat on feather beds! And my old nurse used to say
that a brave man dies but once; but a coward is
always dying. And many and many a time we've just
198 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
stood inside that old tree by the schoolhouse in a
thunderstorm — and never a bit afraid. And I should
think when. older people set such an example, their
children would be ten times as scared as they were!
There might be some use being scared of a dog
or a horse, because you can get out of their way;
but all the feather beds in the world won’t stop the
lightning if it wants to hit you. And no’ matter if
you lock yourself inside ten walls, you can’t stop the
thunder, for it’s crashing outside there, whether you
hear it or not. And once our house was struck by
lightning†—here Mrs. Tyler gave a little shriek —
“and it didn’t do any harm except to make a little
hole m the roof. There might have been some excuse
for beimg scared then; but papa and the boys just
got out of bed, for it was in the middle of the night,
and looked all over the house to see that all was
right and nothing was on fire, and then they went
back to bed again. I knew they weren’t scared, so I
wasn’t. But here, when the lightning’s six miles off,
you all go into a closet and sit down on a_ feather
bed. Horses aren’t so foolish; I rode Roy home in-a
SM |
a
ul
“NEVER A BIT AFRAID.â€
199
IN A THUNDERSTORM. 201
thunderstorm worse than this last year, and we both
liked it. And papa met me at the door and said, ‘Are
you wet, Elsie?’ but we didn’t either of us have one thought
of bemg frightened. But to think of grown-up people,
who ought to know better, sitting in a closet because
it’s raining and thundering, positively makes me sick!â€
When Elsie had finished this tirade, she flung open
the door, letting in a stream of light on the pale faces
within, and, leaving it wide open, ran down the stairs,
out into the rain, across the street, and so home.
There was a long silence after her departure. Tommy
was the first to speak.
“Well,†he said, “I think Elsie’s right,†and then
he left the room. The door still stood open, and a
faint peal of thunder sounded, as if it were mourning
that its power over the Tyler family was waning.
“My dear,’ said Mr. Tyler to his wife, “I think
perhaps we might leave the closet now. Not because
of the child’s words, for she was a trifle impertinent,
but because it seems best to me. The storm is abating’
—here a low growl of thunder interrupted him, but
he went bravely on. “Of course, you know that I never
202° THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
should have given way to your — ahem — weakness in
this matter, except to comfort you, my dear, and now
I think the time has come when you should strengthen
yourself to endure — to endure the suffering. This is
not because of the little chit’s nonsense, but it just
happened to come across me. My dear, I leave you to
your reflections.†So saying he, too, left the room. Ida
took Mrs. Harrison in her arms, and followed her father.
When Mrs. Tyler was left alone, she rose from her
seat and peered out of the closet door. The storm was
now beginning to subside; only a distant rumble from
time to time reminded her of what had been. She left
the closet, gradually approached the window, and at last
actually pulled up the curtain. The clouds were clearing
away, and she could see a glow toward the south-west.
“My weakness!†she repeated to herself. “Oh! if
he only knew the pressure on my nerves and the strain
on my poor head when he talks like that, he would
not speak go.â€
But, from that day, Mrs. Tyler never had any com-
panions on her journeys into the closet; and there was
no one to bring in the feather bed.
CAPTIVATED:
he crickets played
their Fiddles
Withalla cricket's art
Before a baby
woodcock,
1 Until they «won his
heart.
AS SS
INS ike
' ae
ae
ONY
A so this baby
- woodcock,
TO show themhis *
-gsood will,
Allowed these merry
fiddlers
To swing upon his bill.
oeearer De
203
THE COMET.
AID a comet one night, “If I shake my tail right,
And a big double header just make;
That man in the moon shall know full soon
There are some sorts of jokes he can’t take,
“And forever sit calmly, just
grinning away,
No matter what happens about ; —
4 His great putty face, always there
= in one place,
Has many a time put me
out.â€
From his tail flew the sparks; his head he dipped low,
He flew with a swish through the air,
Making straight for the moon; but that cunning old loon
Laughed, as he saw him right there.
204,
THE COMET. 208
He struck; but, alas! his head was too soft ;
Such a terrible, terrible thump!
ca
The man held his sides and laug
d till he cried.
he
“Oh, my, what a horrible bump!â€
He offered Pond’s extract to bind up the wound
“’Twill cure you,†he said, “in a jiff!â€
But the comet just shook his long tail, with a wail,
And fled through the sky with a whiff!
AIRS FROM ARCADY.
ee the leaves of a pickerel-weed,
Once lived a jolly old frog;
Who sang in deep bass, with much agile grace,
The song, of “a home in the bog.â€
He stood on a stage, —’twas a water-soaked log, —
And clasping a hand to his heart,
206
AIRS FROM ARCADY. 207
Vowed oft in deep tone, with such direful moans!
“From his true love he never could part.â€
And the frogs that were ladies cast down their sweet
faces,
And one, who was bolder than all,
Her name, Juliano, piped out in soprano,
““Oh, who could deny the sweet call!â€
How the orchestra swelled, and a tenor just yelled,
“Oh, beautiful home in the bog!â€
Till he woke up a loon, who laughed at the moon,
And swallowed a small pollywog.
Then the bass and the lady sang airs from Arcady ;
A beautiful ballet they danced ;
Till the frogs in the water said, “ Really, we’d ought ’er,â€
And they rose to the surface and pranced.
O=8 ee
ort fe = OmG@ iS) ON
LOST: A TEMPER.
ISS Fiery Kaliery Fumeery Frost
MI A policeman thus did once accost:
‘Have you seen pass this way
A Temper, I pray?
I’m hunting for one that I lost.â€
208
JOHNNY AND LITTLE GRAY HEN.
eo ran out to the barn one day. It was a
lovely day. The sunshine was as bright as gold,
the sky was as blue as the eyes of baby-kittens, and
the grass was as green as grass could. be: Johnny was
singing a little song; but he stopped suddenly and began
to laugh. And no wonder ; for, looking up, he saw the
head of Daisy, the cow, poked through the bars of her
stall, and standing on it, right between the horns, was
Little Gray Hen.
“Why, what are you doing up there?†asked Johnny.
Little Gray Hen looked thoughtfully down at him
for a moment, and then she said, “ Well, I. don’t mind
‘telling you, for you are a pretty good boy, as boys go;
you never throw stones at me, or chase me about,
or mock me when I try to sing, as bad boys do.
The fact is, the hens and chickens in the henyard are
so fussy and noisy, and they keep up such a silly
clucking, and scratching, and quarrelling, from morning
till night, that a lady-like hen (as I flatter myself I
209
210 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
am) finds it very disagreeable to stay. among them.
And they are extremely rude and impolite, and don’t
begin to know what good manners are. And s0, this
morning, when Big Gray Hen snatched a worm away
JOHNNY AND LITTLE GRAY HEN. 211
from me, and Speckled Hen said her dress was much
more fashionable than mine, and those mischievous
chicks of Bantam Hen came slyly behind me and pulled
out three of my prettiest feathers, I declared I wouldn’t
stand it any longer. I would look for another boarding-
place. Their conduct really made me ashamed of being
a hen. And I called on Daisy and told her how they
acted, and she said (she feels very lonely, you know,
since she lost her calf) that she would be glad of my
company, and that I was welcome to live on her head
as long as I liked. And [’ve been here now two hours
—far above those common fowls, as I have always
thought I ought to be, and it is so nice and quiet that
I think I shall stay here all the rest of my life.â€
“JT don’t think you will,’ said Johnny; and he
began to laugh again as he ran away to the hen-
yard to tell the hens what he had seen in the barn.
There was a barrel turned upside down in one corner
of the yard, and on this Johnny climbed, scratching
both his legs on the hoops as he did so; but, bless
you! boys don’t care anything about a few scratches
—and when he was safely seated on it he called the
212 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
fowls, and they came flocking about him EES he
had something for them to eat.
But Johnny showed them his empty hands, and then
he told them about Little Gray Hen and the cow.
ius }
iy Og
Wh, “| ly, Mittra 33 KY a, oe a we a Me
aK Losin i8 J Shady yt i “ae
“ Ya
And when he had told them he said, “And why do
you behave so badly that Little Gray Hen cannot stay
where you are? Why do you make her ashamed of
being a hen?â€
JOHNNY AND LTTLE GRAY HEN. 213
“ Cluck, cluck! cluck, cluck! cluck, cluck!†answered
Big Gray Hen. “I guess we behave just as all hens
have behaved ever since the first one came out of an
egg —no better and no worse — and what’s more, we
behave as well as we know how. Cluck, cluck! cluck,
cluck! cluck, eluck!!!— Do you?â€
She popped off this question so suddenly that Johnny
thought for a moment that somebody had thrown a
torpedo at him; he nearly fell off the barrel. But he
jerked himself back again and said —he was a truth-
ful little fellow — “I’m afraid I don’t.â€
“Well, then, what can you expect from us?†asked
Big Gray Hen. ~
“Please, ma'am,†said Johnny, “I don’t expect any-
thing. And I should never have thought of finding
fault -with you, had it not been for Little Gray Hen.â€
“Little Gray Hen, indeed!†repeated Speckled Hen,
scornfully. “It seems to me the smaller hens are, the
bigger they think themselves.â€
“Is that meant for me?†said Bantam Hen, ruffling
her feathers.
“Pray don’t stop to quarrel, you two,†begged Brown
214 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
tlen; “but come on and let’s all go and see this
stuck-up thimg who thinks herself so much above us.â€
“ Cluck, cluck { cluck, cluck! cluck, cluck! She’s not
so high but that she'll come down when†— began
Big Gray Hen.
Lilt
Gi . all
a ? 1
THE HENS GO TO SEE.
“When?†asked the other hens.
“When she’s hungry,†said Big Gray Hen. “T’ve
known — cluck, cluck! cluck, cluck! cluck, cluck!—a
good many airs put on just after breakfast, put off just
before dinner.â€
JOHNNY AND LITTLE GRAY HEN. | 215
After which wise remark away they all started in a
great hurry for Daisy’s stall; but they had scarcely reached
there before Pamelia, Johnny’s grown-up sister, came
out of the house with a pan full of corn and called
loudly, “Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick, , chick!â€
At the very first sound of her voice the hens and
chickens turned about again in a greater hurry than
ever; but as fast as they ran — and they ran as fast
as they could — they none of them reached the hen-
HURRYING TO PAMELIA.
yard as soon as Little Gray Hen.
“It was pleasant enough living on Daisy’s head,†she
said to Johnny as she went to roost that night, “but
you see there was nothing to eat up there. And I
think, after all, it is best for a hen to try to get
along with her own relations.â€
Wi ; THE JOLLY DUGONG.
T was the jolly Dugong,
As he sat on the springing lea,
And his eyes were blue as the
eee
raven’s wing,
And his hair was black as the sea.
He piped and he trilled on his baritone tail,
Till the fishes began to stare;
And came, with a skip, oer the shimmering sands, _
To beg for their favorite: air.
Then he scratched his head with his clammy claw,
And he smoothed his face with his fin,
While he murmured, “Come nearer, my aqueous friends,
And a ditty Tll soon begin.â€
So the fishes approached with a festive flop,
In numbers even and odd;
And the halibut leaned on the pickerel’s arm,
While the trout escorted the cod.
216
THE JOLLY DUGONG. 217
As the scaly bevy gathered around,
The Dugong unbuckled his belt,
And he tuned his tail with a tuning-
fork,
Carved out of the rib of a smelt.
“Ah!†he sighed, “it is really a joy to receive
A mark of approval so rare,
For I very well know that a fish’s applause
Is to flourish his skin in the air.â€
Then he warbled in notes that were
merry and gay,
And in tones that were clear as a
flute, cr ee
And he carolled a lay of the rolling ae a
«UL
deep,
While the fishes with joy were mute.
The song was the one that they loved the best,
— And ’twas quite a remarkable sight,
When they waved their skins like to flotsam flags,
And rattled their bones with delight.
218 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Oh, Rosy, my posy!†the sun-fish said,
To a herrmg that swam by his side,
“On similar music we'll constantly feed,
If youll be but my beauteous bride.â€
“Oh, halibut, walibut!’’ whispered the cod,
“What a glorious song of the sea!
Throw your skimply skin on the sandy shore,
And dance on the wave with me.â€
The hours went by, and the Dugong played on,
While the shadows of eve did descend —
But everything earthly must come to a stop,
And e’en such a concert must end.
The Dugong stopped singing — the hour was late,
All hurried for skins to the shore;
"Twas confusion and bustle — each snatched what he
could —
Half put them on hind-side before.
Old Flatly, the flounder, went off in a coat
That was certainly made for the eel;
g
oa a 1,
f ~
fate)
ey i Se aaa ( Z.
‘de Ji ica ié2
A, a J i,
Wy 1}
by a
THE JOLLY DUGONG SINGS TO THE FISHES.
219
THE JOLLY DUGONG. 221
While Pinky, the salmon, was wretched in fit,
And extremely unpleasant in feel.
So, highly uncomfortable, each swam away,
With a coat much too small, or too great;
And just such an accident may befall you,
If you stay at a party too late.
“ CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED
HOLIDAY.
Father Johnson indulgently, “but
dey'll outer-grow it; and de yittle
ones conjubilates mo’ out o’ der ol
Mammy and Pappy on ‘Ap’il Fool’
day dan dey does out er all de res’
de hol’days conjunctified. Then,†he
added not without grave satisfaction,
““Chollemyisses* got de toofache dis
Apil Fist, and I reckon dat’ll put de squelcha’ onto
some o’ dese yer scand’lous high com’tabobbums.â€
Chollemyisses, with his forlorn cheeks tied up in an
allaying poultice, regarded his father with eyes preter-
naturally grave and bright. All within the cabin and
without was alive with little Johnsons, each with grave
face and luminous eyes.
“Mammy! mammy!†cried a weird little figure,
1Ptolemy Ulysses.
222
“ CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S� AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 223
dancing on the doorstep. “Come see dis yer flock o
wil gooses flyin’ over! Quick! mammy. Come!â€
Mammy turned her innocent comely black face from
the dish-pan, wrung her hands, and waddled quickly to
the door. There she stood and lifted those large con-
fiding eyes to the heavens.
The April sky was of
fleckless blue, untouched by
wing of bird, and a sudden
thought came to mammy.
“You black T’addeus!â€â€™ she
exclaimed wrathfully, but
brought her ready broom
down on the air.
“Apil Fool! mammy,â€
squealed Thaddeus, now visi-
ble only as a pair of shin-
“ing black orbs around the
corner of the house.
Father Johnson, consider- nee BEARD EUs
ably older than the comely mammy, shook his patriar-
chal gray head with laughter. It was a laugh of deli-
224 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
clous appreciation, and yet imbued with that tone of
tender indulgence which he always showed towards the
younger and inferior intellect of his wife.
- & How many mo’ Ap’il Fool days you gwine to trot
to dat do’ to see flock o’ wil’ gooses fly over, Minnie?â€
said he. “Las’ yer Apil Fool you trot to dat do’
jes de same. Yeah befo’ dat. How long you tink
befo’ you Varn dis yer Ap'il Fool “bout de flock o’ wil’
gooses flying over, Minnie?â€
With the smile still on his features, he lifted his
hand for his pipe on the shelf over the stove. De-
liciously he drew a match and ht it — but, at the first
puff, he sprang to his feet with an exclamation of horri-
fied disgust and dismay.
The clay pipe lay on the floor shattered amidst the
unsavory foreign contents there revealed.
“How many mo’ Ap’il Fools,†said Minnie, standing,
shaking, with her hands on her sides, while tears of
laughter rolled down her cheeks, — “how many mo’ Ap’il
Fool days you gwime to smoke ol’ rags an’ angle-dog
woms? las’ yeah you smoke ol’ rags an’ angle-dog
woms. Yeah befo’ dat. How long you t’ink befo’ you
“CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 225
Varn dis yer Apil Fool ’bout ol rags an’ angle-dog
woms ?â€
Father Johnson said nothing. He looked about
deliberately for some one of his children.
The house and premises had become suddenly totally
void and silent. Father Johnson put on his hat and
started out towards the little dim wreck of a barn over
the brook. But that also looked so unpronusing and
silent that he turned abruptly and retraced his steps.
“T always “lows de chillun to cut up dese yer shines
on Ap'il Fool day, Minnie,†said he. “Odda days I
Yarns ’em de duty of truf and respectability to parents.
Dey ain’t doin’ nuffin mo’ no’ what I lows.â€
He seated himself with dignity, took his old fiddle to
his embrace, and poised the bow in preparation.
“What chune do you p’efer dat I plays to you,
Minnie?†said he, pausing, with the punctilious polite-
ness of an Italian tenor.
“Oh, wal’ den,†said Minnie, tossing her head rather
indifferently, “I spee’s I’d vada’ heah ‘De Mockin’
Bid,’ ef I heahs any.â€
“JT don’ like your preferation to dese yere lively
226 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
an’ jig-hoppin’ chunes, Minnie,†replied Father Johnson,
and proceeded forthwith to scrape out a strain of an
entirely different measure.
Minnie listened without any affectation of pleasure,
but thoughtfully and without resentment, until her eye
fell upon a neat and portly package that had suddenly
appeared upon the doorstep.
“ Look-a-da’, pappy!†she cried, joyfully interrupting
him, without other warning; “reckon Miss Lucy up to
de big house done sont us down fat goose! Done tol’
me she was gwine ter sont us down fat goose one 0’
dese yere days.†.
“You seem runnin’ to gooses to-day, Minnie,†said
the patriarch, visibly trembling with elation himself,
though still firmly continuing his lugubrious duty at
the fiddle-bow.
Minnie carried the package to the table and unwound
it, her face wreathed with anticipatory smiles.
“Tis fat goose, I know by de hef’,†said she,
tenderly lifting it, and as she did so the last wrapping
fell off, and there fell to the floor an artfully contrived
symbol indeed of that fowl upon which she doted; the
“CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 227
skin whereof was composed of generous quartermgs from
one of her own work aprons, and whose luscious parts
were but weeds and mire, of the earth earthy, with
“WHAT CHUNE DO YOU PREFER, MINNIE?'?
joints deftly articulated and defined by means of choice
extracts from her own chip heap.
228 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Father Johnson’s face at first expressed only a reflec-
tion of the wrath and dismay on Minnie’s own. But
on second thought he turned. himself discreetly to his
fiddle, and by the time mammy could look to him for
sympathy and support in her indignation, his counte-
nance was fairly beamimg with a superior and humorous
smile.
“Pears like you fo’git what kin’ of a day dis day
conjubilates, Minnie,†said he. ‘’Pears like yo’ mem’ry
so sho’t you fo’git but what dis day might be Gawge
Washin’ton’s birfday, or Fas’ day, or some such con-
jubilation.â€
“It’s gwine to be a Fas’ day to one set of niggas
I knows of,†cried Minnie; “and Chollemyisses Johnsing
’s one o’ dem niggas wat I knows of, w’at it’s gwine
to be a Fas’ day to!â€
She picked up the similitude of a goose, and walked
indignantly with it to the brook. As she threw it in,
she fancied she heard a ripple of human mirth mingled
with the plash of the waters. She peered severely into
the bushes on the other side of the stream, but dis-
covered nothing, and again all was still.
““CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 229
Her thoughts, however, usually so placid, seemed to
have become diverted into an entirely different though
no less distressful channel as she returned to the door-
step and sat down.
She fanned herself
with her apron as
she again innocently
intruded on Father
Johnson’s sedate
scraping of the bow.
“Miss Lucy up to
de big house, she
mighty trouble’ in
her min’, ain’ she?â€
said she; “bout dese
yer men w’at’s
trompin’ over de
kentry wid dey
photograph machines
“A RIPPLE OF MIRTH.’
an’ chains an’ sich,
wat I heern tell dat if dey don’ run ’em some oda’
way, dey gwine ter run de keers right plum t’ro Miss
Lucy’s lawn!â€
230 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Mammy paused, exhausted, while Father Johnson’s
deliberations at the fiddle rose into a wail.
“De debble—de debble "11 cotch ’em sho’, Minnie,
‘fo? ever dey ’complishes it! It’s been my pra’, Minnie,
— Minnie, it’s been my pra’,†said Father Johnson,
choking, while the fiddle-bow quavered, “dat de Lawd ’Il
sheer ’em off. Sheer ’em off, oh, Lawd,†he patheti-.
cally vociterated, to a fiddle accompaniment, “f’om ow’
po’ o’phan Miss Lucy’s prummises; sheer ’em off down
onto Judge Shipman’s ol’ rock pastur! which it’s harder
bed and betta fo’ de keers to run on! sheer ’em off,
oh, Lawd!â€
The music had now ‘reached a liveliness and vigor
with which Minnie fully sympathized. “Sheer ’em off,
oh, Lawd!†she jomed in fervently.
“ An’ comfo’t ow Miss Lucy’s h’a’t,†concluded Father
Johnson, turning and wiping the perspiration from his
brow.
“Can’t dey nuffin’ be done, I wonda,†sighed Minnie,
“bout dese yer discom —â€â€™
She paused, helpless and embarrassed, before the superior
education of her husband.
“ CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 231
Father Johnson, who had learned by experience the
futility of instructing Minnie in words of length and
importance, simply continued his rhapsody on the violin.
But her perplexity was turned by the apparition of
her eldest-born, Chollemyisses, running violently towards
the house, his hand on his bandaged cheeks and_ his
face otherwise distorted by excitement.
“Pappy! pappy! OP Une’ John got de conniptions
dreadful, an’ dey done sont me tell you come right
1»
over!†Father Johnson, without one glimmering of un-
worthy suspicion, rose and prepared himself for de-
parture.
“You see wat you been doin’ dis day, Chollemyisses,â€â€™
said Minnie reproachfully, “an’ ol’ Une’ John lyin’ in
de conniptions!â€
“An’ mammy!†cried Chollemyisses, almost in the
same breath, “dey’s a letter to de -pos’-offis’ fo’ you,
wat dey’s somefin’ in dat letter so impollatant,†for
Chollemyisses was already a hopeful pupil of his father’s
facility in lore, — “so impollatant, dat dey won’t gib dat
letter to nobody but you, mammy, an’ dey done sent
me tell you come right over!â€
232 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“De Laws sakes!†exclaimed Minnie, rising, and
arraying herself in shawl and turban.
“Chollemyisses!†she called back, “you hab to cotch
de chicken w’at yo’ pappy gwine to hab fo’ ow suppa
an’ sot ’em roas’in’.â€
“Yes, yes, I cotch ’im,†obediently replied Chollemyisses.
“ An’ sot ’em roas’in’!â€
“Yes, yes, mammy, I sot ’em roas’in’.â€
‘As Father Johnson’s form disappeared in one direction,
and mammy’s in the other, Chollemyisses seated him-
self, fiddle on shoulder, while a six-in-hand of little
Johnsons drew the baby round and round the house m
a raisin box on impromptu wheels, at a rate which
would have made an _ on-looker’s teeth chatter, but
which was, metaphorically, but as “nuts†to the soul
of that infant Johnson.
As Chollemyisses sat gorging his delighted ear with
his questionable strains, he remembered what he had
heard mammy and pappy say, while he had been hidden
in -the. loft, about dear Miss Lucy up at the big house
and those sad “ discombobbalations.â€
So having fished out the shattered form of the
“CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S� AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 233
humanly constructed goose from the brook, and set it
roasting, to the simple wonder and edification of the
six-in-hand and the baby, he suddenly disappeared,
followed by the whole devoted group, from the scenes
which their forms had so recently enlivened.
Miss Lucy up at the big house
doted on her occasional visits from
Chollemyisses, the six-in-hand, and
the baby, and always gave tangi-
ble proof of
her apprecia-
tion in the
way of large
slices of bread
covered with
molasses.
She took
the comical
MINNIF GOES AFTER THE ‘APRIL FOOT, LETTER.â€
baby up in
her arms, who, however, ignored her attentions, being
solemnly absorbed in the bread and molasses.
Each little culprit Johnson was wedded to a _Jiuge
234 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
slice of this confection, when Chollemyisses detected in
the distance the approach of those very surveyors, who,
report said, might cast the ploughshare of smoke and
traffic through Miss Lucy’s still beautiful lawn.
Chollemyisses, looking up, thought he saw her sweet
face pale and her lips quiver, though she was apparently
absorbed in the six-in-hand and the baby. A gleam of
despair and resolve and fun widened his own wild
dark eyes, his bandaged cheeks compressed themselves
after a convulsive sort of sob and laughter mingled,
and unobserved he sped swiftly and noiselessly away.
Before the invaders could well plant their feet on
Miss Lucy’s premises, an apparition presented itself to
them — Chollemyisses, bandaged, breathless, wild with
excitement; his dark trembling finger poimted them
toward the trunk of one of the great elm-trees on the
lawn; the tip of a shady-looking beaver hat glanced
out ominously from behind that tree trunk, under it
floated in the fearsome contrast of lunacy a stream of
long light hair, borne now this way, now that, by the
breeze, while a little farther beneath appeared the long
muzzle of a gun, aimed steadily.
*“CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S†AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 235
“Tt’s de crazy man!†gasped Chollemyisses; “w’at
he hides hisse’f in a cave whar’ dey carnt nobody fin’
him, an’ he stamp his foot ’n shake his head — like
dis! — an’ say he ain’ gwine let no keers run tro’ Miss
Lucy’s prummises,
an’ he shoot de
fus’ man put he
foot fo’most. Fo’
de macy sake,
gemmen, sheer off !
Sheer off o’ dese
yer prummises!â€
Chollemyisses
wrung his hands,
the insane beaver
nodded, the wild
hair floated, the
gun muzzle was firm. The head surveyor did not
“DIS YER’S ON’Y A YITTLE TOOFACHE,â€
advance a step from his position.
“Did he shoot you?†he inquired of Chollemyisses,
regarding his bandages.
“No, sah!†said Chollemyisses, thoughtfully; “dis
yer — dis yer’s on’y jes a yittle toofache.â€
236 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Well, the world’s wide enough for our road without
stirring up lunatic asylums. Let that sort rest,†said
the head surveyor; “I only came up here any way as
a little matter of speculation.†And he withdrew with
his forces.
Miss Lucy from the window watched this mysterious
retreat, accompanied by Chollemyisses’ wildly gesticu-
lating figure. She followed the direction of his hand
and .saw, away down her lawn, a tall hat nailed to
one of the elm-trees, a wig of flaxen hair, mysteriously
like her Aunt Minerva’s (who had gone out that after-
noon in her second-best wig), and officially borrowed, in.
fact, from Chloe, Aunt Minerva’s maid, and a gun re-
posing along two crotched sticks.
Not a doubtful spectacle from this side, but Miss
Lucy put two and two together. She saw her small,
hitherto undubbed knight endeavoring to remove these
articles and approach the house surreptitiously, and she .
turned and discreetly veiled her eyes.
Some time afterward, the knight approached her with
an air of reckless innocence that went to her heart.
“Miss Lucy,†said he, “I done been runnin’ 0,
“CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S’’? AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 237
"musin’ myse’f, hea’ and da, I done los’ all de ‘lasses
off my bread.â€
Miss Lucy gave him a strange look. “Tell Dinah,â€
said she; “no, wait, Ptolemy Ulysses†(Miss Lucy’s
own father had named Ptolemy Ulysses, and so she
spoke the words very tenderly), — “wait, Ptolemy Ulysses,
I'll go with you myself.†.
“Ptolemy Ulysses,†said Miss Lucy, literally soaking
and enveloping and swimming his bread in molasses —
she cut another slice, which she immersed in like manner
— “would you like to drive to town with me in my
phaeton to-morrow, and get a new suit of clothes, and
a blue cap, and a pair of tall boots?â€
“Yas’m, Miss Lucy,†said Chollemyisses, shining,
gasping, wondering.
“And a cart for your goat? and’�— Miss Lucy
suddenly remembered some of Chollemyisses’ tenderest
ambitions — “some cologne and peanut sticks?â€
“Yas’m — yasm, Miss Lucy.â€
“Ptolemy Ulysses,’ said Miss Lucy, blushes chasing
one another over her fair cheeks, “it isn’t — isn’t right
—to play tricks, you know — not even on the first
of April, Ptolemy Ulysses.â€
238 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Yas'm, Miss Lucy,†said Chollemyisses, gravely re-
garding, from his own bandaged face, Miss Lucy's hot
cheeks, rippling mouth, and lovely, downcast eyes; and
accepting with this vague reproof both hands full of
undeniable sweetness, he turned and fled, with the
delicate consideration of a Chesterfield.
Chollemyisses still hovered rather doubtfully about the
premises, however. He doubted if the prodigy he had
left roasting in the oven at home would prove satis-
factory to Mammy and Pappy Johnson on their return
thither.
Some time later Miss Lucy found him still wandering
disconsolately. “Is there anything you want, Ptolemy
Ulysses?â€â€™ said she sweetly, bending toward him her
beautiful face.
“Miss Lucy,’ said he, liftmg an imgenuous counte-
nance, “I done lef a—a Ap’il Fool goose ter roas’ in
de oven, I did —an’ I done wish I cd have ral, fat
ae.
goose ter take t? mammy and pappy.†Miss Lucy com-
prehended with lively sympathy.
Ten minutes later the six-in-hand, handled by Cholle-
myisses, plunged friskily down the hill toward the
pe ley oly
sd as
ft “Bey
““SCAND’LOUS HIGH COM’TABOBBUMS.â€â€
239
* CHOLLEMYISSES JOHNSING’S� AFFLICTED HOLIDAY. 241
Johnson cabin, and by the baby’s side in the raisin box
reposed the limp form of the biggest and fattest goose
on Miss Lucy’s premises.
Chollemyisses left the baby in the box and appeared
with a somewhat curious and pale smile at the cabin,
holding forward the goose.
The all-forgetful .and illuminating sunrise on the
features of Pappy and Mammy Johnson informed him
that he had nothing to fear. He returned for the baby,
at which signal the six-in-hand all unhesitatingly entered,
with some sweet sense of being thus metaphorically em-
braced and forgiven.
Considerably later as they sat at the supper table,
where the roasted goose formed the steaming centre-
piece and joy, “Chollemyisses,’ said Father Johnson,
in a musical and liquid voice, “dey’s one question w’at
I wan’s to ask you, in view o’ some o’ de ’speriences
wat Ise ’sperienced dis day,—is you ral’y had de
toofache to-day, Chollemyisses? Speak de truf, my son;
you fada’ loves you.â€
“Yes, pappy,†said Chollemyisses, regretfully, “I is
—a yittle. An’ I spec’s ef I hadn’ had dis yer harntin’
242 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
misry in my toof, pappy, some folks “ud got mighty
well fool’ roun’ dese yer prummises to-day.â€
Father Johnson with his usual courtesy served first
his wife, then by order of age the small female John-
sons, and then again addressed himself in the same
mellifluous tone to his eldest son.
“Chollemyisses, is you any happiah — any happiah
an’ bettah at de close ob dis evenin’ how, my son,
fo’ dese yer fool-conjurin’s an’ high com’tabobbums w’at
youse been up to to-day? Do you fink it could be
said o’ you to-day, my son, dat you has been wo’kin’
among de reapahs ?
‘Oh, wha’ am de reapahs dat gadda’s in
De heaps um piles fum de fiel’s 0’ sin?’
Has you been among dem reapahs to-day, Chollemyisses ?â€
“No, pappy,†said Chollemyisses sadly, and wistfully
eying the goose. “But de keers has done sheered clar
off away fom Miss Lucy's prummises — an’ Miss Lucy
gwine ter take me t’ town to-morrow fo’ to git clone
an’ peanut sticks, an’ all sich like as dat!â€
TOO LONG. 243
Father Johnson’s spoon plunged into the goose-stuffing
as if an electric bolt had been applied at the elbow.
“Chollemyisses,’ said he, brightly, “I believe you am,
like your fada’, pa’ticulumly fond o’ de sage an’ ingyin
complements to de fowl?â€
“I "lows dey’s de bes’ pa’t ob de goose, pappy,â€
responded Chollemyisses.
The amount of this refection which was now passed
steaming down the line, on Chollemyisses’ plate, beside
a favorite selection of the wishbone, caused his eyes to
gleam, and banished from his consenting memory every
recollection of the toothache.
TOO LONG.
oh Y neck is too long for my size,â€
Said a little giraffe, looking wise ;
“Now what can I do,
But cut it in two,
And make it up into neckties?â€
JACKETY, PINCH, AND I.
HIS is the way we went to
mill,
We three, — Jackety, Pinch,
and I:
Jackety ambled up the hill,
Pinch chased a spotted butter-
fly,
While I sat up so very straight
With meal-bags for my chair of
state.
244
JACKETY, PINCH, AND 1. 245
This is the way we came from mill,
We three — Jackety, Pinch, and I:
Jackety stumbled down the hill,
Old Pinch began to howl and cry,
While I rolled off my beastie’s back,
And spilled the meal from out the sack.
WHAT MARY SAID AT OUR ENTERTAINMENT.
Se
CoN a
a
Ces oN Nb
pee Y
“T put my right foot in,
I put my right foot out;
246
WHAT MARY SAID AT OUR ENTERTAINMENT. 247
“T give my right foot a shake, shake, shake,
And whirl myself about.
248 ‘THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
1 PGES
_ ON aX
Zs (nc “T put my right head
(Er oy —No!—TI_ put
TA
my left head —
I put
eT caalehioeees I vinta tera
—— I forget.â€
THE, CRUISE -OF-) PHE: DOLPHINS:
WO dolphins —a mother and daughter —
Grew weary one day of the water,
And thought ’twould be grand
To go live on dry land;
So a carpet-bag each of them bought her.
They picked up their submarine treasure,
And packed it with profit and pleasure,
Preparing to ride
On the in-flowing tide,
And travel along at their leisure.
But a gossipy flat, deep-sea flounder
(if I knew her, I'd like to have drowned her!)
Their secret found out
And went gadding about
Till she told all the sculpins around her.
And, soon, such a mighty commotion
Went surging away through the ocean,
249
250 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
That the dolphins could wish,
On the fins of a fish,
That they never had thought of the notion.
For the crocodiles wept like wet sponges;
The sea-horse, with snorting and plunges,
THE LOBSTER LAYETH DOWN THE LAW.
By yea and by neigh
Did entreat them to stay;
While the sword-fish made violent lunges.
THE FISHY CREATURES HOLD A MASS MEETING.—
THE CRUISE OF THE DOLPHINS. 253
The oysters grew moist and defiant;
The lobster crawled up like a giant,
And laid down the law
With the tips of his claw;
But the eels were disposed to be pliant.
The codfish and haddock together
Said they'd rather be skinned for new leather,
Than see their friends go
Off a sky-larking so,
Unless they would wait for wet weather.
The lampreys, the clams, and the leeches,
The quahaugs from mud of the beaches,
The shad, and the smelt,
Said they never had felt
Such a sorrow as this! and made speeches.
But the dolphins could not be persuaded ;
They picked up their traps and paraded,
With their tails to their eyes,
Heaving terrible sighs,
Till the coveted land they invaded.
254 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
bs “We must go to Paris!†they shouted ;
“There’s no use in talking about it!
We want to be dressed
Just as well as the best,
And this old-fashioned tail— why, we
scout it!â€
THE DOLPHIN FAMILY DREAM-—
ETH OF SEEING PARIS.
The result? Well, I heard that same summer,
That a Natural History Bummer
Who was writing a book
Came each morning to look
On the shore for some maritime comer.
THE CRUISE OF THE DOLPHINS. 255
And one day he found by the water
Two dolphins, a mother and daughter,
Each stiff as a nail
From its nose to its tail; |
"Twas a regular case of selif-slaughter.
THE NATURAL
Their sweet mouths were gaping asunder,
With an open expression of wonder;
And their lack-lustre eyes
Were still full of surprise,
To think they had made such a blunder.
256 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
And he having fancies artistic
(Although he was called pessimistic)
HE GATHERETH UP THE DEFUNCT DOLPHINS —
Brought them down in the dark
To the fount in the park, —
Being fond of a style realistic.
THE CRUISE OF THE DOLPHINS. 257
‘é
|
|
oe
és
I’ve seen them, still gaping, below there;
AND FOSSILIZETH THEM FOR A FOUNTAIN.
The water was trickling down slow there;
Both changed into stone —
And unless they have flown
You can see them yourself, when you go there.
Sal) Fapee Re a aNEIIN
Eee *
(A Sleeping-Car Story.)
had only one
quaintances had.
___ INGULARLY enough Johnny Morris
uncle. This was
Uncle Phil Merrick, of Kinney’s
Junction. Many of Johnny’s ac-
half a dozen or
more uncles, and one uncle seemed
a disappointingly small number, espe-
cially as Johnny had six aunts.
Sometimes Johnny tried to console
that, after all, uncles were not of
To be sure, Percy Manvell’s uncle,
himself by deciding
any particular use. .
who was something
on a steamer, was always bringing Percy presents from
France; and Joe Farrington’s uncle
was (as Joe always
said) a sort of “private Santa Claus†at Christmas.
But Johnny had never seen his uncle but once in his
life — didn’t even remember how he looked, and might
have made up his mind to believe that uncles were
not really of much account, had not a certain serious
event happened.
258
“UPPER NINE.†~ 239
This event was the death of Johnny’s father, which
upset many plans for the boy’s future, and resulted
one day in a letter from Kinney’ss Junction. “Let
John come on for a while,’ wrote Uncle Phil Merrick
to Johnny's mother. Of course this letter made a great
stir. It seemed to be felt in the family that some-
thing important might come of this letter from Uncle
Phil. As for Johnny, nothing could have seemed to
him more like an adventure than a journey of four
hundred miles.
Of course there was nothing very remarkable in the
case of a boy of twelve goimg on such a journey alone.
But when it was all arranged that Johnny should take
the five-fifteen train connecting with the six-twenty
* on the J. K. & L. road, he began to feel
as if he were about to see something of the world —
“ sleeper’
about eight times as much, he figured out, as he had
ever seen before. Upon thinking it over, Johnny wished
that the journey could have been made in the daytime;
for it is difficult to see the world in the dark. How-
ever, there was no better way, it seemed, than by the
six-twenty “sleeper.â€
260 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
The “sleeper!â€
This part of the programme gave Johnny more to
think about than anything else connected with the jour-
ney to Kinney’s Junction. Johnny had seen “sleepersâ€
from the outside. He had seen vestibule trains —
though these never passed the Mannington Station —
and had watched the wniformed colored porters standing
beside the steps. Through the broad plate-glass windows
he had caught glimpses of an interior magnificence
quite beyond anything he had ever expected to make close
acquaintance with. The thought of actually climbing
into a “parlor car†and. travellmg in such splendor
filled Johnny with awe.
Two, at least, of Johnny’s aunts thought it was
extravagant for him to travel in a “sleeper.†But
when Uncle Phil forwarded the money for the fare he
said, “Send him on the ‘sleeper.†That was all.
Johnny’s mother said it was “just like Phil.†Johnny
- couldn’t tell whether it was “like Phil†because his
uncle sent so much money or because he said so few
words. At any rate, this is how Johnny came to take
the “sleeper.â€
“UPPER NINE.†261
The train that carried the young traveller from
Mannington down to Mortonsville, where he was to take
the six-twenty train on the J. K. & L., was a shabby,
fussy little train, for which Johnny did not have much
respect, having seen it pull out of Mannington so many
dozens and hundreds of times in its shabby and fussy
way; and seated in a dusty middle seat, the boy felt
indifferent enough about his surroundings to think over
a few of the instructions he had received from his
mother and three of his aunts.
Standing on the platform at Mortonsville, with the
99
six-twenty “sleeper†coming up the track, everything
was very different. Johnny had his regular passenger
ticket, which his mother bought for him at Mannington,
and his “sleeper†ticket which he bought himself at
Mortonsville, securely stowed in his safest pocket. The
man at the ticket window in the station had asked
“Upper or lower?†so suddenly, that there didn’t seem
to be much chance to think the matter over, and the
instructions didn’t cover this point. Johnny finally
realized that the man meant upper or lower berth, and
said “upper,†chiefly because he had always thought of
262 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
being a good ways up, but partly also because a very
large man behind him seemed in such a hurry that
it was necessary to say something quickly.
The locomotive that pulled
the six-twenty into Mortons-
ville appared to Johnny to be
as much bigger than any engine
on the Mannington lime as a
man is bigger than a boy. It
was a great, glittermg engine
that snorted and glared like
an iron dragon. Behind it was
a baggage-car, a “smoker,†two
ordinary passenger coaches, then
the three “sleepers†and a
eae“
“THE GREAT, GLITTERING ENGINE.â€
dining-car.
Johnny never could remember exactly how he came
to get comfortably seated in the first “sleeper.†In
the midst of the din and bustle he had drifted down
toward the parlor cars. “Tickets, please!†a man in
brass buttons was asking, and when he saw Johnny’s
smallest ticket he said, “This car.†The stool helping
“UPPER NINE.†263
to the first step was a new sensation in itself. And
then there were a great many unexpected turns in the
passage leading to the seats of the car. But somehow,
with the porter’s assistance, Johnny found Section Nine,
whose two seats he seemed to have all to himself ;
and when the train, by a beautifully gradual motion,
altogether unlike the jerk of the Mannington trains,
finally slid past the station, Johnny began to feel that
one very important part of the travelling business was
over. He had found his corner in the “sleeper.â€
Yet the most serious mysteries were still ahead.
Johnny was surprised to discover that there were a great
many things about sleeping-cars of which he had never
thought of finding out. The whole affair was certainly
very different from anything he had ever experienced in
his few railway experiences on the Mannington line.
One by one these differences began to appear.
In the first place, Johnny noticed how soft and
polished, or perhaps I should say how soft or polished,
everything was. The high back of the seat made him
feel smaller than he remembered to have felt at any
particular time in his life. Then there seemed to be
264 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
so much room, and the plush was so downy and
elegant. Yet there was a man across the aisle who
had his feet on the plush of the seat facing him.
This suggested to Johnny that a passenger on a “ sleeperâ€
could do a good many things that would be dangerous
in an ordinary car. Other things began to happen in
proof of this difference and other differences.
When the conductor (who said nothing to the man
opposite about his feet) took Johnny's larger ticket, he
did so with a quieter and more deliberate manner than
Johnny thought conductors ever had.
later a second conductor, who was still milder in his
manner, asked for Johnny's sleeping-car ticket, giving
him a kind of receipt for it, with “Upper Nine†in
the corner.
Even a train-boy who passed through with a basket
of fruit was a subdued kind of boy; while the colored
man in a white jacket who came along saying, “Second
>
call for dinner m the dining-car,†instead of shouting as
Johnny would have expected, spoke in an ordinary
conversational tone, as if he were repeating the words
to himself.
‘UPPER NINE.†265
The word “dinner†reminded Johnny of a little
package, tied with a pink string, that lay in the top
of his valise. The time for opening the package had
come. But when he thought of the plush, and the
dining-car, and the two conductors, it seemed to him
that it would somehow be very inappropriate for a
parlor-car passenger to be seen eating out of a package
in his lap.
Just then another colored man in a white jacket,
whom Johnny recognized as the porter who stood at
the car steps im a blue jacket with brass buttons when
the train was at the station, came and asked a. lady
in the section ahead of Number Nine whether she
would like a pillow. And then he fetched the pillow
and adjusted it in the corner of the seat. After that
he received some instructions from a passenger in the
next section but one on the other side, and rigged up
a table with a very white cloth, from which the
passenger was soon eating something which the waiter
carried from the dining-car, and which sent an agreeable
odor over into Johnny’s section. Several of the passen-
gers passed out, evidently on their way to the dining-
266 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
car, and a man belonging in one of the first sections
came in with a toothpick in his mouth.
All of these things happened while Johnny was trying
to decide what he would do about the sandwiches and
cake in the valise, and as it came to be seven o’clock
Johnny had a feeling that he would soon have to do
something about them.
Fortunately he thought of a capital plan. This was
to take his sandwiches and cake into the regular
passenger car ahead and eat them there. ven this
plan seemed very daring at first. But at last he got
up with his package and started through the car. The
first thing he saw on his way to the door was an
old lady eating from a lunch basket. He wished he
had known about this sooner, but having started he kept
right ahead, through the twisted passage at the head
of the car, through the washroom, where a man was
combing his hair, then out to the platform where the
chorus of the wheels came bellowing up in a frightful
volume of sound.
The other car had in it three times as many people
?
as the first “ sleeper’? contained. It seemed crowded.
“UPPER NINE.†267
There was, however, next the door, -a seat beside a
boy much smaller than Johnny, who apparently was
entirely alone.
Boys are not slow in becoming acquainted. “Isn't
anybody with you?†asked Johnny.
“No,†answered the boy, upon whose coat Johnny
now saw a singular thing —a piece of paper stitched
to the cloth with black thread.
“Who put that on you?†was Johnny’s next question.
“Mother,†answered the boy. “It tells where [I’m
going to.â€
“Oh!†‘said Johnny. Then he read the paper, the
smaller boy straightening up to take out the wrinkles.
It said:
“Pleas set this boy of at Piketon he is to meet gus
Higgins.â€
Johnny wanted .to say something about the spelling,
but he only asked the boy if he had had his supper.
“No,†the boy said; “I’m going to get it at Uncle
? 29
Gus’s.†But he helped Johnny a good deal with the
sandwiches and cake.
Presently one of the train men came up and_ said
268 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
to the boy with the label, “The next stop is Piketon,
little fellow.’ When they came to the station the
train man took the boy by the hand and led him out,
and through the window Johnny saw a tall man, with
a very red beard, and boots covered with dry mud,
lift the boy into a wagon.
Several new passengers got into the first parlor car
at Piketon. On returning to his first quarters, Johnny
found that many of the sections had two occupants,
and began to wonder that nobody came to claim one
of the seats in the ninth section. The porter had been
lighting the lamps, which made the brass trimmings of
the car gleam brilliantly. The old lady who had been
eating out of ‘a basket was asleep against a_ pillow.
Two men just beyond were discussing something in low
tones. An oldish man wearing a black travelling-cap
was reading a newspaper, and the man opposite Section
Nine, who now had to keep his feet down because a
passenger sat in the seat facing him, was studying the
cobweb lines of a time-table map.
Through the windows Johnny could see only the dim
outlines of the flat country. In the black stretch of
“UPPER NINE.†269
the fields the glow ofa farmhouse window drifted past
like the flash of a firefly. The darkness made the tune
of the wheels seem louder. What a queer tune it was!
Now it seemed to be saying (with a sound like chatter
ing teeth), “ What-a-rush! what-a-rush! what-a-rush !â€
And then again Johnny's name seemed quite distinct
in the song: “Johnny-Morris-Johnny-Morris-Johnny-
Morris!†Every few moments the locomotive whistle
shouted a warning to people on the cross-roads, always
{??
with the same, “ Don’t! don’t! don’t-dare How solemn
it sounded at night!
Then after the train had slowed up at some curve
or crossing, the exhaust of the steam brakes gave a
muffled shriek that made Johnny think of the stories
he had heard of the tramps who travelled for miles
huddled in the iron-work under the cars. Perhaps some
miserable vagrant was hanging under the first “sleeper.â€
Johnny imagined him cramped and sore, longing for
the train to stop, perhaps too weak from hunger to
hold on much longer. It was a great relief when the
train actually stopped and Johnny's imaginary tramp
dropped to the track and crawled into the bushes.
270 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
It was a relief, too, when the porter began making up
the berths. At last Johnny was to witness the trans
formation scene that turned the long parlor into a long
bedroom, and to discover the actual meaning of Upper
Nine. The spectacle would have been much more
exciting to Johnny a few hours earlier, when he was
less sleepy.
The porter began with the section im which the old
lady had been dozing, and made up the berths evidently
in the order in which the passengers asked him to do
so. To Johnny the porter’s movements were as interesting
as those of an actor in a play. What extraordinary
bed-making! The blankets and sheets flew into place
as quickly as they flew out of place when pulled by
invisible strings in a pantomime that once came to the
Mannington Town Hall. The pillows appeared from
beneath what had been the seats. Each one was gripped
by the porter’s teeth and shaken into a cover. Then
curtains began to dangle from the brass rods at the
top of the car, whose whole appearance was slowly
changing. Q
“Tf you'll sit over there,’ said the porter, pointing
“UPPER NINE.†271
to another section where the man with the travelling-
cap was sitting, “Tll make you up next.†Johnny
wondered where the last man would sit. :
Meanwhile, nobody who had an upper berth had yet
ee
‘““WHICH WAY WILL YOU HAVE YOUR HEAD?â€
climbed into it. As the time drew near, Johnny
wondered if it would be proper to ask the porter for
a lift. From his changed seat he saw other passengers
disappear into lower berths. One man, seated on the
272 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
edge of the berth, took off his shoes and placed them
on the floor. Another put out his shoes after having
disappeared behind the curtam. What could an upper
berth passenger do about his shoes? Was it improper
to carry shoes into a berth? The upper berth was
very high. Was it probably a very bad place in case
of a smash-up? And then —
“Which way will you have your head?â€
These words came to Johnny like those of some
genii in a dream, and a black face very near his own.
gave the boy a moment of fright. But it was only
the porter. '
“What do you mean?†faltered Johnny.
The porter grinned, showing the teeth that managed
the pillows. “Want your head or your feet to the
engine?†he said.
Johnny said he didn’t care, and was just then much
relieved to see a passenger at the other end of the
car use a little step-ladder in climbing to one of the
upper berths. Presently the porter brought this step-
ladder along to where Johnny was. Then Johnny
climbed into Upper Nine.
“UPPER NINE.†273
“Tl take your shoes,’ said the porter, nm a tone
so kindly that the boy, while he sat on the edge of
the berth, felt free to ask several questions, and to get
the porter’s promise to wake him when they got near
Kinney’s Junction. “I guess you'll wake ’fore then,â€
the porter said.
“Isn't anybody going to be down there?†asked
Johnny, pointing to the lower berth.
“Not unless some one gits on at Billings,†declared
the porter, and left the passenger in Upper Nine to
make the acquaintance of his sleeping’ place; to find
the rack for his collar and cuffs and necktie, and the
hook for his jacket, and the other appointments of this
high bed. Beyond Johnny’s feet was his satchel.
“Where would they put it,’ he thought, “if I measured
more?†Everything was very light up there near the
lamps, until by and by the porter turned out some
of the lights and turned the others quite low.
Lying there with no window to look out of (though
the ventilators were not far beyond), Johnny wondered
for a time whether his head or his feet pointed to
the engine. It puzzled him to find that he could not
274 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
tell by the slight roll of the car. But when the train
slowed up at a station, and he felt himself drawn
. toward the headboard, he knew that the momentum
was in that direction, and that he was going “head
first†to Kinney’s Junction. “When I wake up,†he
thought, “the journey will be over.â€
He would then have gone to sleep had there not
been at that moment a rustlmg at the head of the
passage and the porter’s voice saying, “This way, sir.â€
A flutter of the curtains gave Johnny a start. The
passenger for Lower Nine had come! Somehow Johnny
felt nervous about the “downstairs†passenger. Perhaps
he felt that the other passenger might think he was
impertinent for sleeping over him. At any rate, Johnny
peeped through the curtains with a timid feeling, and
faintly saw a stoutish man with a bald head and white
chin whiskers, who was saymg, “Porter, can’t you
open some of these ventilators? The air in here isn’t
fit to breathe.’ The new passenger seemed, indeed, to
require a good deal of breath, for he puffed and panted.
continuously while getting himself safely into the lower
berth.
* UPPER NINE.†278
And so the train rumbled along again through the
dark country, the wheels still chattermg, “ Johnny-Morris-
W822:
Johnny-Morris-Johnny-Morris!†the whistle still shouting,
“Don’t! don’t! don’t-dare!†and Johnny fell asleep.
In stories people generally have a bad dream and
wake up with a start. But Johnny didn’t. He simply
awoke and sat up in his berth without knowing
why.
What startled him when he had fully awakened was,
that there was not the slightest noise. The train was
standing still. Perhaps the porter had forgotten his
promise and this was Kinney’s Junction. And perhaps
the train would start in a moment and not stop again
for hundreds of miles.
In the passage of the car there was not a sound
or a movement. Johnny couldn’t see anybody.
If only the porter were in sight somewhere! It was
an awful moment for Johnny.
There was a very slight sound. It seemed to come:
up from Lower Nine, and resembled the echo of the
sawmill when you are over at the other end of Man-
nington in the school-house yard. The sound proved
276 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
one thing at least. Everybody had not deserted the
train and left the occupant of Upper Nine to his fate.
Johnny made up his mind several distinct times that
he simply must get down. But where was the step-
ladder? And where were the shoes? No ladder, no
shoes, no porter, no anything, except the sawmill sound.
Yes, there were voices outside the car. Undoubtedly
they were going to start again.
Johnny drew on his stockings, threw on his jacket,
pushed his feet through the gap in the curtains,
grasped the edge of the berth and slid over. As he
did so one of his stockinged feet slipped a considerable
distance into the lower berth, when it came against
something like a cushion, and was instantly grasped in
a vigorous and terrible way that made it impossible
to get it free again. As Johnny dropped to the floor
on his other foot, an awful roaring sound came from
the lower berth:
“Thieves! thieves! porter! porter!†came from behind
the curtain in the unmistakable voice of the oldish man
who had complained about the ventilators.
Poor Johnny, trembling in the greatest fear he had
— — eee
— SSS SAY
Se
(SS
WV EEN
x Ss
ah St
Cao
Wiech
[
PORTER! cONDUCTOR!â€
“THIEVES }
277
“UPPER NINE.†279
ever known, saw at least five heads appear between
the curtains of various upper and lower berths, while
the voice still continued to roar through the car:
“Thieves! porter! conductor!â€
The white jacket of the porter appeared at the turn
in the passage. The conductor was also coming.
“What's the matter?†asked the porter, breath-
lessly. ,
“Tve got him!. I’ve held him fast!†declared the
man in Lower Nine, extending his hands with Johnny’s
ankle tightly clasped between them. “Expected this
some time or other. I hand him—I hand him —
over to you. The — the rascal! Caught — caught you
see — in the act!â€
And then the old man saw Johnny’s foot and peered
at Johnny as the porter turned up the lights. “Bless
me!†he said. “And it’s a boy!â€
“The boy of Upper Nine,†said the porter.
“I was only just getting down,†burst out Johnny,
his face turned appealingly to the group. “I—TI
thought maybe this was Kinney’s Junction.â€
“Upon my†— began the old gentleman. “You don’t
280 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
mean†—then he clutched at Johnny's arm. “ What’s
your name, sir?â€
“Morris — John Morris,’ gasped the boy. “I’m
going to my Uncle Phil†—
“You are, are you!†exclaimed the old gentleman,
who didn’t seem to be angry any longer, but who was
very red, and puffed a good deal. “Well, Pm your
Uncle Phil, do you know that? And I’m a nice old
fool owt. ky
Johnny, who had both feet under him now, but could
hardly stand, was too bewildered to comprehend what
had happened to him.
“Yes, sir,†went on Uncle Phil, looking at the porter
and the conductor, “this is all right. I guess I made
a mistake. Thought I had a sure grip on one of these
‘ere car thieves. And bless me! Just to think†—
and he looked at Johnny again. “This is the most
remarkable thing I ever heard of.â€
“And wasn’t it a thief?†asked a weak voice
farther up the car. It was probably the old lady who
had eaten out of a basket.
“No,†said the conductor, as he went. along the
“UPPER NINE.†281
passage, “only two relatives getting acquainted with
each other.â€
This was how Johnny came to be up and dressed an
hour and a quarter before reaching Kinney’s Junction,
for Uncle Phil said there was no use getting back
into bed again; and while they brushed up in the little
washroom, Uncle Phil, who occasionally burst out with,
“Bless me! and just to think!†or something to the
same effect, told Johnny how he came to be on the
“sleeper;†how he had been called to another town
on business, had missed a train, been kept over night,
and then made a miscalculation on another connection.
“Tf I hadn’t thought,†he said, “of cutting across to
Billings on the Saucepan line, you would have found
nobody to look out for you at Kinney’s Junction.â€
Uncle Phil began to seem to Johnny like a_ pretty
good kind of an uncle. And Johnny wasn’t mistaken.
HIGH TEA AT LOW. TIDE.
HE little brown elf of the sea
Invited his neighbors to tea.
When they asked, “Is it hot?â€
He replied, “Surely not!’ —
This truthful young elf of the sea.
282
WENTY bold Hollanders —
twenty and twain —
Started one day to cross over the
main.
Broad was the sea that their good
vessel bore;
Hight days the voyage to the opposite
shore.
Courage did none of the Hollanders
lack ;
Tall were they, strong were they,
broad was each back.
283
284 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Big were their hearts, and their fists were not small;
Big were their appetites — biggest of all!
They loaded their vessel with cabbage and cheese,
With pretzels and sausage, and such things as these.
Of herrings they laid in a plentiful store,
Enough, as they thought, to last eight days or more.
Then the bold twenty-two did boldly set. sail;
No dangers could fright them, no storms make them quail.
No cowards were they, and each Hollander swore
He would not turn back till he came to yon shore.
Perhaps ’twas the Hast wind —I really don’t know —
That sharpened each Hollander’s appetite so;
But all ate so much that the cook in distress
Groaned loudly each day when he called them to mess.
And so it befell, when three days they had sailed,
Their large stock of cheese and of cabbages failed.
Their pretzels were gone, and the very next day
Their sausage and other things melted away.
THE TWENTY-TWO BOLD HOLLANDERS. 285
Four days yet to travel! They stood in mid-ocean,
And gazed at each other in hungry emotion.
Then out spoke the captain. (A brave man was he.)
2
“My twenty-one friends,†he said gravely, “I see
“No course left to take but to turn and go home,
For we cannot, while hungry, continue to roam.
“We care not for storms, nor do dangers affright us,
But to live without food is beyond (it is quite) us.
“No cowards are we, but we’re hungry, each man,
We'll get back to dinner as quick as we can.â€
“Aye, aye, sir!†did each hungry Hollander say.
So the good ship was turned and took homeward her way.
The sun rose and set, and again, and again,
The sun rose and set on these twenty-two men.
And on they went sailing, until, the last day,
When home was discovered a few leagues away.
Said one to another, “We're hungry, it’s true,
But it strikes me this wasn’t the best thing to do.
286 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
‘For four days returning, as four
to the end,
Have been just as long, don’t you
think so, my friend?â€
To this all his comrades said gravely,
“We see;
But too late to change again now
it must be.â€
So twenty bold Hollanders — twenty
and twain —
Came hungrily homeward to Holland
again.
i
By
7 er 7 AN
LY \
Le \
‘
WHAT THE CIRCUS DID.
E were a quiet and sober set,
Little accustomed to noise and fret,
Decent and modest at work or play,
And oh! so proper in every way,
Before we went to the Circus!
Nobody ever had seen us go
At all too fast, or at all too slow;
No matter how gayly we talked or sang,
We never had used a word of slang
Before we went to the Circus!
We went to church, or we went to school.
By the very most orthodox kind of rule;
For we were a people of Dutch descent,
And rather phlegmatic in temperament
Until we went to the Circus!
287
288
THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Alas and alas! “tis a woful sight
The way we are changed at the time I write!
DoroThy Tennant
As they saw them do
Father is swaying against
the breeze,
Hung by the toes from
a high trapeze,
Trying to copy the
Circus !
The boys on their heads,
with feet in air,
Are riding wild horses
on each high chair ;
Or down on their backs
on the sidewalk brick
Are balancing tubs for a
juggling trick;
And the girls have
painted hands and face,
And got themselves up
for an Indian race,
at the Circus!
Nee
A
Pa Mess RT
AFTER THE CIRCUS,
289
WHAT THE CIRCUS DID. 291
Mother high up on the table stands,
Swinging the baby with both her hands,
Swinging the baby with many a rub,
And brandishing him like an Indian club;
292 THE ‘CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
While baby himself, in a terrible fright,
Howls like a Zulu from morn till night,
Since we went to the Circus!
Alas and alas! I can only say,
wish.in the night, I wish in the day,
wish with my heart, 1 wish with my head,
wish with my ears which are nearly dead,
wish with a sort of mute despair,
wish with a SHRIEK that would rend the air,
We never had gone to the Circus!
Ss SS RS
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE.
Y land, Sallie!†said old Mrs.
Petersen, who was sitting on her
front doorstep talking to Sallie
Burke and Elise Tucker, “the
queerest thing I ever knew
was about Hilda Swinton and
Katrina Carbery. You see, Mrs.
Swinton was the mother of Mrs.
Carbery, and they lived in the
same house, and Hilda and Kat-
rina, it happened, were born the same day. When they
were about two days old, and before any one had taken
much notice of them, the nurse began, im the morning,
to dress the babies. First she washed Hilda and
wrapped her in a blanket, and put her back into the
cradle; then she took up Katrina and washed her, and
“just as she was finishing, old Mrs. Thomas, who had
come in to visit, told her that Mrs. Swinton was
calling her. So up jumped the nurse, put Katrina in
293
204 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
another blanket, and laid her in the cradle. Are you
keeping all this straight?â€
“Yes,†said Sallie, “both babies are wrapped in
blankets, and are in the cradle.â€
; “Very well,†said Mrs.
Petersen, “when the nurse
came back Mrs. Thomas
had dressed both the little
girls. I don’t suppose the
nurse objected to that, but
you see Mrs. Thomas
HILDA AND KATRINA,
didn’t know which one of
them wore the tucked clothes, and which the plain ones,
and the nurse had known them apart by their clothes.
‘I do believe,’ she said, ‘you've put Hilda’s clothes on
Katrina!’ —‘TI don’t know,’ says the old lady; ‘which
is Hilda?’
“But the nurse didn’t know; she knew the clothes,
but she didn’t know the. little girls. They both had
fuzzy ved hair and blue eyes,. and no noses to speak
of, and both had big mouths. So the nurse took
them in to the mothers and they didn’t know them
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. _ 205
apart, but they both chose Hilda, because she was the
biggest.†. ;
“Which was Hilda?†asked Elise.
“I didn’t know which was Hilda then,†replied Mrs.
Petersen, “but I mean the one who answered to that
name afterwards. Well, they didn’t any of them know
which was which; nobody did; and finally Mrs. Swinton
took the biggest one,— not that there was much
difference, — but when she was a year old and had
cut her front teeth, they thought she favored the
Carberys; so the mothers changed, and Mrs. Swinton
took the other one. Now all the Carberys sing in
the choir, and when the one Mrs. Swinton had was
three years old she sang like a lark, while the other
didn’t know one tune from another. It seemed natural,
then, that the singer was Katrina Carbery, so they
were changed back again. It was very confusing, and
the village took sides about them. For my part I
always thought the one who didn’t sing favored the
Carberys; but the Swintons, you know, had her. They
never seemed to care much, for they used to say if
Hilda wasn’t their daughter, she was their granddaughter,
296 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
and it was all in the family; but Mr. Carbery used
to grumble a good deal, for he said he’d like to know
whether Katrina was his child or his sister-in-law.â€
The morning after Mrs. Petersen had told this remark-
able tale to the two girls, Sallie, as usual, stopped for
Elise on her way to school. Elise was the daughter
of the rector in Meadows, and lived in the rectory
near the church. Sallie lived at the other end of the
village. Her mother was a widow, and she was kept
quite busy by Sallie, who had some lively fancies. As
usual, Elise was not ready for school, and all her
family began at once to help her. Her mother hunted
up her collar and hat, her sister Emily collected her
books, the cook brought her lead-pencil and Iuncheon,
and Sallie stood on the porch and scolded.
As they at last went down the path to the road,
Elise said, “What do you think our Emily says?â€
“Dear knows,†replied Sallie; “she says lots of things.
Look out or you will lose your history.â€
-“T wish I could,’ said Elise, catching the book.
“ Why, she says any mother would know her own baby.â€
“Did you tell her that story?†asked Sallie.
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 207
“Yes,†said Hlise, “I told it last night at supper,
and they all laughed at me.â€
“And my mother, too,†said Sallie, “says it is perfectly
absurd, and it is an awful old story, and she don’t
believe Mrs. Petersen ever knew the people.â€
“T do,†said Elise; “I believe it is true, and I am
sure all babies look alike. But our Himily says no one
could ever. cheat her.
“Couldn’t they?†said Sallie, scornfully; “why, I
could do it myself.â€
“Oh, no, you couldn’t,†said Elise; “but some people
could, I suppose.†.
“T could, too,†repeated Sallie; “and I could do
more than that.â€
“What?†asked Elise.
“T could fix your own baby up so that Emily wouldn't
know hin.â€
“Now that is nonsense,†said Elise, dropping her
grammar, and picking up all the papers that flew out
of it. “I must hunt up my strap for these books!
You couldn’t cheat Emily about Stanton. Why, she
just worships him, and she is all the time begging
298 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
mamma to let her take care of him. She would know
him anywhere.â€
“But I could,’ Sallie persisted; “I would dress him
up differently, and she would never know him.â€
“Yes, she would,†said Elise.
“And I would blacken his eyebrows, and part his
hair like a girl’s,†continued Sallie; “and I would carry
him right in, and I would say, ‘Here is my cousin.
Her name is Georgiana Burke ;’ and you would see if
Emily knew him!â€
“T wouldn't tell a story, anyhow,†said Elise, who
was beginning to believe in Sallie’s assertion, but who
didn’t care to say so.
“Well, perhaps I wouldn’t,†said Sallie. “TI don’t care
for tricks if you have to tell stories; but I could
manage it.â€
“Oh, no, you couldn’t!†said Elise, not very positively.
“Tf I do, will you come to our house to supper,
Saturday ?â€
- “Tl come, anyhow,†said Elise promptly, “if mamma
will let me.â€
“But will you truly, surely come?†persisted Sallie.
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 299
“T surely, truly will,†said Elise solemnly; then adding,
Soi can.
“Very well,’ said Sallie. “Now Ill think about it,
and tell you after school. But we had better hurry,
for the bell is ringing. Oh! my goodness, Elise, where
is your strap?â€
The last lesson that day was in fractions, and Sallie
was called up to do an example on the _ blackboard.
It was all easy enough, but when she had finished,
she picked up the chalk again, and quickly wrote in
a large hand:
“Tt ws all fixed!â€
and then she turned and looked at Elise.
“What do you mean by that, Sallie Burke?†ex-
claimed the teacher.
“Nothing,†said Sallie, quickly rubbing it out; but
the result was that she had to stay m ten minutes
after school and learn four lines from Shakspere.
When she at last was free, and came out, she found
Elise sitting under a tree waiting for her.
“Well, you are a goose, Sallie Burke,’ said she.
“What did you do that for?â€
300 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“T don’t know,†said Sallie, “but it just popped
into my head, and so I wrote it. It is all fixed!
“
Not decked with diamonds and Indian stones;
Nor to be seen; my crown is called content;
A crown it is that seldom kings enjoy.’
That is the verse from Shakspere I had to learn. It
took me just four minutes by the clock.â€
“But you stayed longer?â€
“Ten,†said Sallie; “but don’t you want to know?â€
“T suppose you mean about our baby?†said Elise,
gathering her books and ready to go. | .
“Exactly,†said Sallie. “You see, mamma has a lot
of our Charlie’s clothes put away in a trunk, and they
are real old-fashioned; but you know any baby’s clothes
will fit all other babies. TVll bring them down to your
house this afternoon, or Ill take them way down the
garden by the gooseberry bushes. Your mother, you
‘know, will be gone to the Dorcas, and Emily will have
to mind the baby. You get her to let you take him
out in the coach, and†—
STANTON HAS HIS OWN OPINION ABOUT THESE NEW NURSES.
301
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 303
“She won't let me,†said Elise; “she will want him
all herself.â€
“No, she won't if she is reading,†said Sallie, who
knew Emily's ways; “you just ask her. Jll bring
some burnt cork for his eyebrows, and we will dress
him all up, and then we will take him down to the
gate and lay him on the grass, and hide the carriage,
and you can rush into the house, and cry aloud to
Emily that there is a baby at the gate, and she'll
tear out, and we will see if she knows him!â€
“Oh, Sallie! I daren’t,†said Elise.
“Oh! it isn’t any harm,†said Sallie.
“T wouldn't like to treat Stanton that way.â€
“We won't hurt him,†said Sallie; “if he was old
enough he would think it fun. I wouldn’t hurt him
for the whole world.â€
“And Emily will be so mad! I can’t rush in.â€
“But you must,†said Sallie, “for you know perfectly
well that if I did she would think I was up to some trick.â€
“T suppose she would,’ said Elise.
“The only thing I am afraid of,†said Sallie, “is
that you will giggle and spoil everything.â€
304 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Oh, no, I won't,’ rephed Elise; “Pll be in too much
of a hurry. I will rush in and right out, for I wouldn’t
miss seeing Emily when she finds him, for anything.â€
Then yowll do it?†said Sallie.
“Yes,†replied Elise slowly, “P1IL—T1l do it.â€
“Now, see here, Elise Tucker,†said Sallie, “if you
say you will, there is to be no backing out of it.
You are to do your part. And you are not to be
smiling and saying things, so that- Emily will know
that something is up.â€
“T won't,’ said Hhse. “Truly and surely I won't,
and I will bring the baby.†ee
And she was as good as her word. At half-past
three, the hour appointed, she appeared pulling the
coach in which lay Stanton, placidly sucking his thumb.
Sallie had all the clothes laid out in order.
“Why, they are short,†said Elise.
“Of course,†said Sallie. “I could have got a long
dress, but everything, you know, must be different ;
and, look here!†And in triumph she held up a red
flannel petticoat. “I don’t believe your baby ever wore
anything like that.â€
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 305
“Never,†said Elise.
“Neither did our Charlie, but I found it in the trunk.
I had a real hunt for these things, and here’s shoes.
I had to borrow them from Mrs. Keswick. I expect
they are a mile too big! Now, just you count every-
thing to see if all is there, and I’ll black his eyebrows
and part his hair.â€
Stanton had his own opinion about these new and
active nurses, and he expressed it so loudly that once
the girls were afraid Emily would hear him; but Sallie
had thought of this emergency, and had provided a
lump of sugar, and with this he was persuaded to be
quiet.
“Now,†said Sallie in triumph, looking at the baby,
as, rosy and laughing, kicking his feet, and crowing,
he at last lay in the coach, “I don’t believe his
very mother would know him! I think he is just
beautiful. Those dark eyebrows and that dust of
charcoal on his hair are perfectly charming! Oh! don’t
do that,†as Elise, all in a rapture, rushed at him,
“vou have rubbed some of the black on his nose, now!
You will just spoil him. Let us name him Lilian?â€
306 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Very well,†said Elise; “but we had better hurry,
or mamma will be home.â€
“Well, I don’t know,†said Sallie, still admiring her
work, “I don’t know but what I would like your
mother to see him. But perhaps it is better not.â€
“T think it is,’ said Elise. “I know that mamma
would wash his face at once.â€
“She would spoil him if she did,†said Sallie, decidedly ;
“if he was my child I would dye his eyebrows, and
his hair, too.†7
And then they took as private a path as possible
toward the front gate. |
“We will have to put him just outside,’ said Sallie,
“for you know no one would leave a baby inside a
gate, and I'll stand behind the hedge and watch. But
I tell you†— and she stopped to take another look
at Stanton — “TI do believe he is too respectable-looking !
He ought to have looked more like a tramp’s baby.â€
“Indeed he ought not!†cried Elise. “I would not
have let him look like one. You ought to be ashamed,
Sallie Burke.â€
“One thing I will do,†continued Sallie, unmoved,
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 307
“Til put a name on him. A. real likely common
name.â€
“Rupert is a good name,†said Elise.
“Jt isn’t a very likely one,’ Sallie replied, “and it
must be a girl’s name. I have the very card in my
pocket to write on. Lizzie Marble gave it to me,â€
and taking out a bright little card all gay with fox-
glove, she wrote, using the top of the coach for a
table :
“Ellen Brown. Be good to her. Her troubled
parient.â€
“That isn’t true,†said Elise.
“No,†said Sallie, “but it will do. This is not a
story, you see,†and she pinned the card on the baby’s
breast. “Now you lift him out — he is most used to
you — and lay him down, and run in, and hurry, for
he is beginning. to rub his eyes, and he'll get his face
all black. And Ill stand behind these bushes, and,
oh! —J tell you the very thing! He will be Moses,
and I'll be the mother watching, and you'll be the
sister†—
“And Emily ‘ll be Pharaoh’s daughter!†cried Elise,
308 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“why, it just fits! But Emily. won't know who she is.
It is just lovely, and Pll go this very minute.â€
As Elise ran up the lawn she heard a wail from
ee.
ec ans
vb, 4 My Ahly ye
i ledge ; i
Ng / My
Sn,
‘h
Zt
vei
THE TRANSFORMED BABY.
the baby, but she ran all the faster, knowing how
evil might be the effects of delay.
Emily was reading, and she looked up as Hlise
rushed in. /
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 309
“Oh, Emily, Emily!†Elise cried, all out of breath,
“there is a baby at the gate!â€
“Whose baby?†asked Emily.
1?
“T — oh! come see!†cried Elise, just saving herself
from saying she did not know.
“Where is Stanton?â€
“Sallie is taking care of him,†said Elise; “won’t
you come?â€
“What is the use?†said Emily; “whoever put him
there will take him away.â€
“Tt has a card on it,†said Elise desperately, “asking
people to be kind to it. Won't you come?â€
“T don’t want to,†said Emily, “I want to read.’
?
“But it is particular,’ cried Elise, all out of patience,
“and you. must come.â€
“Well,†said Emily, slowly closing her book, “ where
is oitee
At that moment there was a rush along the hall,
and Sallie burst in with a cry:
“He’s gone! he’s gone!â€
“Who?†said Emily.
“The baby!â€
310 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“What baby?â€
“Your baby!â€
At this Elise laughed. “Did Pharaoh’s daughter
take him?†she said.
23
“You needn’t laugh!†exclaimed Sallie, “he is really
gone. I wish we hadn’t done it. Oh! what will your
mother say?â€
Emily jumped up, looking very pale.
“Indeed,†said Sallie, “I was hardly gone one minute.
He began to cry, and I went to his coach to get
the piece of sugar, and I couldn’t find it, and I was
just shaking out the pillows, when I heard wheels,
and I ran back, and the baby was gone, and a wagon
was driving ever so fast away, and I ran after it, and
I screamed and screamed, but no one heard me, and I
came back, and, — Oh, Emily! you must go tell your
mother.†And then Sallie turned and ran out of the
house again. After her went Elise, and then Emily,
half-stunned, turned and ran after both.
Sallie had not paused a second, and when Emily
reached the church she found the whole Dorcas in the
vestibule. Old Mrs. Kirke had Sallie by the shoulders,
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 311
and Miss Barton held her arm, and every one was
talking, and little Mrs. Barlow was insisting that Mrs.
Tucker should not be told, and Elise was sitting on
the stairs crying. Emily at once began to scold, and at
that moment in came Mr. Tucker, pale and in a hurry.
“What is all this?†he exclaimed, “my baby gone!
Which way? Where? Who took him?â€
“Oh! nobody knows,†cried Mrs. Kirke.
“But I do!†exclaimed Sallie; “do let me loose.â€
“Don’t be overcome,’ cried Mrs. Barlow; “remember
your wife; oh, dear Mr. Tucker! remember your wife,
and how the blow will fall on her.â€
“Where is my wife?†exclaimed Mr. Tucker, looking
around.
“Oh! she has gone home. Shall I go and break it
to her? If we only knew which way the villain had
gone!â€
“He went to the village, I told you,’ said Sallie,
shaking herself free.
“Some of us had better go up the road and some
down,†said Mrs. Kirke, “and perhaps we may overtake
him.â€
312 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“Was it a two-horse wagon?†asked Mr. Tucker,
coming close to Sallie.
“No, sir,†said Sallie, becoming very quiet; “it is a
one-horse wagon; red body.â€
“And the man? What did he look like?â€
“JT didn’t see him. The back curtain was down.
He has red hair — curly hair.â€
“QO, Sallie Burke!†cried Emily, “how could you
see him! How do you know what he looked like?†-
“That is, I suppose it was he,†said Sallie.
“Who?â€
“Why, Clem Morris,†said Sallie, “it was his wagon,
and I suppose he was driving it.â€
“Oh!†said everybody, with an air of relief.
“Tf it is Clem,†said Mr. Tucker, “it is all right.
But why on earth did he take my baby?â€
Sallie became very red and very confused. She
wished herself a thousand miles away.
“We didn’t know it was your baby,†she said. “It
was all dressed differently, and it was called Fllen
Brown, and he was the little Moses, and I was_ his
?
mother —’
THE BABY’S MASQUERADE. 313
“Tt was one of your tricks, Sallie Burke,†cried
Emily, “and I do think†—
“He is all right!†cried Mrs. Barlow, coming in all
out of breath. “TI
ran over to tell
everybody not to
tell Mrs. Tucker —
and she had him in
her lap! He wasn’t
stolen! Huis mother
found him at the
gate as she came
over home from the
church, and _— she
picked him up and
carried him in. He
was all dressed up,
and at first she
didn’t know him,
but the blessed child
. } iy AN
sie yD 5
ip PR
ae oJ \
A oe Z Yat
\ ee is
a.
vy
\\
\)
THE BABY RESTORED.
knew her, and crowed and laughed; so she took him
up and carried him in on the back porch. The wagon
314 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
going by that Sallie saw had nothing to do with
ite
The next day Sallie received this letter:
Dzar Mosseses MorHer:
I would not come over for a while if I where you, and
I do wish Aunt Townsend would ask me to make her a
visit. I am awefully tired. Everybody is mad about dif-
ferent things. Papa is mad because of the fuss at the
Dorcas. He says it made him look silly. Mamma says I
was careless, and I believe she thinks you left the baby
on puppose, but you didn’t — did you? Emily is just horrid.
I guess we won’t do it again. And one person says you
ought to be ashamed to take some body eleses baby for such
a trick, and then somebody elese says I had no_ heart
because I took my own, and that shows how hard it is to
please everybody. I think Papa will get over it first, for
when he told Mr. Kirke he laughed.
Yours with love,
EnisE TUCKER.
P.S. Ever so many people have come to ask about it.
P.S. Numper Two. Mamma says that Mrs. Petersen put
it into our heads. Does your mother scold much?
THE JOLLY BEGGAR.
N the “good time coming,†this'll be the way:
When the “beggar comes to town†he'll be asked
to stay:
Some’ll meet him with a dollar, some’ll meet him with a
dime,
And, oh, won’t that poor old beggar have a jolly, jolly
time ? .
315
A MUSICALE.
NCE on a time were Mon-
keys four:
One was a Chimpanzee,
One was a long-tailed Sapajou,
And a Capuchin, one was he,
One was a grig of a young
Baboon —
A simpering pert coquette ;
They learned to play from a
Kangaroo /
And went as a male quartette.
The first had a banjo out of
tune,
The second a querulous fife,
The third two rickety cymbals
played
With clash as sharp as a
knife,
The fourth chimed in on a
wheezy reed,
316
Of the softest vocal chords ; |
Two sang down on the deep-
est notes
Like rumbling old _ bas-
SOONS ;
And each of these had the
queerest knack
Of pitching on
tunes.
different
A MUSICALE. 317
You could hear it from this to
Basle!
And each one played a separate
air
And called it a Musicale.
Once on a time were four white
Cats
As proud as the House of
Lords ;
Two sang up on the sharps
and flats
318 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
: If you have tears prepare them
And since, from huts of the
Eskimo
To dingy Hottentot
Kraals,
They travel away by night
and day
Giving their Musicales!
now !|
All met one day in a group
And signed their names, I never
knew how,
As a Tyrolese concert troupe.
ETOOKLE.
THE ROLLICKING MASTODON AND THE LITTLE PE
319
THE ROLLICKING MASTODON.
ROLLICKING Mastodon lived in Spain, .
In the trunk of a Tranquil Tree.
His face was plain, but his jocular vein
Was a burst of the wildest glee.
His voice was strong and his laugh so long
That people came many a mile,
And offered to pay a guinea a day
For the fractional part of a smile.
The Rollicking Mastodon’s laugh was wide —
Indeed, twas a matter of family pride;
And, oh! so proud of his jocular vein
Was the Rollicking Mastodon over im Spain.
The Rollicking Mastodon said one day:
“JT feel that I need some air;
For a little ozone’s a tonic for bones,
As well as a gloss for the hair.â€
321
322 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
So he skipped along and warbled a song,
In his own triumphulant way.
His smile was bright and his skip was light
As he chirruped his roundelay.
The Rollickng Mastodon
tripped along,
And sang what Mastodons
call a song;
But every note of it seemed
to pain
The Rolicking Mastodon over
in Spain.
A Little Peetookle came over
the hill,
Dressed up in a bollitant
coat ;
And he said, “You need some harroway seed,
And a little advice for your throat.â€
The Mastodon smiled, and said, “My child,
There’s a chance for your taste to grow.
If you polish your mind, you'll certainly find
How little, how little you know
1»
THE ROLLICKING MASTODON. 323
The Little Peetookle, his teeth he ground
At the Mastodon’s singular sense of sound;
For he felt it a sort of a musical stain
On the Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain.
“ Alas! and alas! Has it
come to this pass?â€
Said the Little Peetookle ;
“Dear me!
It certainly seems your
terrible screams
Intended for music must
be!â€
The Mastodon stopped; his
ditty he dropped,
And murmured, “Good-morning, my dear.
I never will sing to a sensitive thing
That shatters a song with a sneer!â€
The Rollicking Mastodon bade him “adieu.â€
Of course, ’twas a sensible thing to do;
For the Little Peetookle is spared the strain
Of the Rollicking Mastodon over in Spain.
THE WOODPECKER.
LIVELY woodpecker, named Mrs. Van Decker,
On an old hollow tree-top did stay ;
Her bill kept a tapping, like somebody rapping
The whole of the long summer day.
Now in his snug nest in the big
hollow tree
A screech owl was trymg to
sleep ;
He turned on his bed, and to
himself said :
“That woodpecker just makes
me weep.
324
THE WOODPECKER. 325
“T wish that her bill was sawed off, until
She couldn’t go tapping at all;
*Tis horrid abuse, my voice I can’t use
This night when I go to the ball.
“To think that a decent and honorable owl
Has never a moment of peace!â€
His big stupid head he raised from his bed,
fin2?.
And called to that woodpecker, “ Cease
But she moved up apace; and she laughed in his face,
And sharpened her bill with a file ;
‘And then fell to work, not a duty to shirk,
But tapped all the louder the while.
Her bright, saucy eyes peeped in at his nest,
“ Ab, ha!†cried this lively woodpecker ;
“Tf you must sleep all day, you had best move away,
From the region of Mrs. Van Decker.â€
Aw PIECE OF NEWS). OR, AUNT RAWS CAT.
CHARACTERS.
Girts: Beatrice, Coraline, Fay, Hannah, Primrose.
Boys: John, Oscar, Timothy, Ichabod, Roger.
John. What is the news, Beatrice?
Coraline. Yes, tell us the news.
Beatrice. Oh, I don’t feel like talking.
All. Oh, yes, tell us; we must have the news.
Beatrice. There isn’t anything very new that I know
of, to tell you this morning. Oh, yes (solemnly), Aunt
Ray’s old cat died last night.
John. Is it possible!
Roger. How did she look, Beatrice?
Beatrice. Who, the cat or Aunt Ray?
Roger. Well, the cat first — then tell us how Aunt
Ray bore it.
_ Beatrice. Well, whenever I saw the cat, she was
looking from her two eyes.
Fay. Was it a black cat, Beatrice ?
326
SRR
SS
SSS
SSNS
N
MUST HAVE THE NEWS!â€
WE
A PIECE OF NEWS. 329
Beatrice. No; a fuzzy yellow —she had very hand-
some green eyes and a dear little inquisitive nose —
and oh! the loveliest velvet paws, and she was lame
in one leg.
Ichabod. Must have been handsome.
Beatrice. She was; I’ve often heard Aunt Ray say
“ Maher-shalal-hash-baz, you’re a beauty.â€
Timothy. What! Say it again, do, Beatrice, — that
yard or two of a name!
Beatrice. Aunt Ray found that in the Bible, so she
was quite delighted to bestow it on her cat. And she
never allowed any nickname.
Oscar. No wonder the cat died.
Beatrice. Oh! that didn’t kill her. She was nineteen
years and six months old when she died.
Roger.. Why, she was older than I am.
John. And older than I am.
Oscar. And older than I am.
Ichabod. And older than I am.
Timothy. And older than I am.
Fay. Why — she was older than I am.
Coraline. And older than I am.
330 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Hannah. And older than I am.
Primrose. And older than I am.
Beatrice. And she was older than I am. Well, she
was smart, too. Aunt Ray said she had all the
wisdom of the ancients, combined with the secrets of
modern philosophy. There was nothing that cat couldn't
do, according to Aunt Ray.
Coraline. Tell us some of the things she would do,
Beatrice.
Beatrice. Oh, I haven’t time to give you a tenth of
her accomplishments. But I will mention one item.
She knew five pretty little tricks. One was to jump
over a broom —
Ichabod. That's nothing. We had a cat once who
could run like lightning before a broom.
Beatrice. And a second trick was, she could sit up
and sing, when any one played on the piano —
Hannah. Well, that’s nothing. We had an old eat
once who could sing all night out in the back yard.
- Beatrice. And a third pretty trick was to put out
a lighted candle by striking it with her paw.
Primrose. Well, that’s nothing, either. We had a
A PIECE OF NEWS, 331
cat once who put out a whole kerosene lamp by strik-
ing it with her paw, and it set the kitchen on fire.
Beatrice. And a fourth pretty trick of hers was to
jump up and lift the latch of Aunt Ray’s door with
her nose.
Oscar. Well, that’s nothing remarkable. We had a
cat, a very smart creature, who one evening jumped
through a pane of glass in the window without taking
the trouble to open the door.
Beatrice. And the last trick I shall tell you of was
this: Maher-shalal-hash-baz could pick up aunt’s cap
from the floor when it fell off from her head as she
got to sleep evenmgs and nodded; then she would
carefully place it on the chair.
John. That's nothing, any more than the rest. We
had a cat once who could chew up my grandmother’s
cap when she had gone to church-meeting, so that it
didn’t have to be put carefully on a chair; there
weren't any pieces big enough.
Ichabod. Tell us something more about that cat,
Beatrice, or I am afraid we shall not think it so very
remarkable a beast after all.
332 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
Beatrice. Oh! she was remarkable, very remarkable
indeed. Aunt Ray always said so, and she has known
her nineteen years and six months; I’m sure she ought
to know.
Oscar. Well, tell us. DT’m impatient to know some-
thing definite about that cat.
Roger. Had she ever heard of the Mind Cure?
Fay. Or ever been to a Symphony Rehearsal ?
Ichabod. Did she know about the proposition to
widen Beacon street, and was she opposed to it?
Primrose and Hannah (together). Wad she ever been
tobogganing ?
Beatrice (putting both hands to her ears). Oh, dear,
a body can’t mention a simple bit of news without
an avalanche of questions !
John. Had she any knowledge of Palmistry ?
Timothy. Did she belong to a Browning Club?
Roger. Was she ever on a “strike†—or didn’t
she have any sympathy with the labor reform?
Beatrice. (still keeping her hands over her ears).
Oh! oh! oh!
All. Mew! mew! mew! you mean!
A PIECE OF NEWS. 333
John. Well, now, Beatrice, it is very absurd for you
to attempt to get up any interest in your piece
of news, if you will not tell us what that cat
did.
Beatrice (taking down both hands). I did tell
you.
John. Oh, no. You have been very reticent on the
subject ; you only mentioned a few paltry tricks that we
have shown you have been easily surpassed by half a
score of other intelligent, well-bred pussies.
Beatrice. Yes, I did. I told you very distinctly a
remarkable thing that cat did.
John. What, pray tell?
Beatrice (solemnly)... She died.
John. Oh, yes, you did mention that circumstance.
But we want to know what that cat did in life.
Beatrice. She did all those things I told you of,
before she died. |
John. Is it possible!
Oscar. Now, Beatrice, I don’t consider it is quite
fair for John to do all the questioning. What I want
to know is, aren’t we, who never have geen this feline
334 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
wonder in life, to be permitted to look upon it now
that it has departed from your relatives house? In
other words, isn’t the creature to be stuffed?
Beatrice. No, she did that before she died. Aunt
Ray’s cook said she was the biggest eater in the
house.
Timothy. You evade us as usual. Beatrice, can you
give a direct answer? Has any one bought her skin
to donate to some natural history museum as the skin
of the only specimen of the great South African —
Beatrice. No, no, no! My Aunt Ray wouldn’t sell
her skin to any one for anything. We buried her —
John. Darkly, at dead of night?
Beatrice. No, i broad daylight, and I wrote the
epitaph..
Primrose. Are you sure it wasn’t epigram ?
Beatrice. Quite sure. And I think it was beautiful.
Aunt Ray said it was most touching. Do you want
to hear it?
Hannah. Oh, don’t deprive us.
Beatrice. It’s in poetry. I hope you will like it.
All. Do go on.
A PIECE OF NEWS. 335
Beatrice. |Maher-shalal-hash-baz
Is no more;
She wanted only six months
To reach a score.
(Of years. That isn’t in the poetry, but of course
youll understand it.)
She was honest, she was kind,
Excellmg other cats in mind.
With gracious air and winsome face,
She quite outstripped the feline race.
(I had to say gracious air, instead of grace, because
of her lame leg.)
Now pussies old, and young as well,
Imitate her who died pell-mell.
(It ends rather abruptly, but I think such things are
more effective that way.)
John. Well, we are much obliged. I presume that
ends your Aunt Ray’s cat, doesn’t it?
Beatrice. An epitaph usually does, I suppose.
John. There’s no denying that. Oh! one little thing
330 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
we all forgot to ask. Strange, too, when we have
taken such an absorbing interest in the affair. What
was the matter with poor pussy, if I may ask?
Beatrice. Oh, didn’t I tell you? Why, my Aunt
Ray gave her to the soap-man to have her killed, and
he did, and then brought home her skin. Wasn’t he
kind ?
All. Your Aunt Ray gave her to the soap-man to
have her killed!
Beatrice. Yes, and he brought home her skin. Wasn’t
he kind ?
John and Oscar. But I thought you said your Aunt
Ray was grief-stricken —
Beatrice. Oh, no, I didn't.
Timothy. And you have been working on our
sympathies dreadfully.
Beatrice (innocently). Have I?
All. Dreadfully.
Beatrice. Well, that’s funny. Now, I want to tell
you something else before I finish.
John. What is it? No more harrowing tales of a
cat, I-beg.
A PIECE OF NEWS. 337
Beatrice. Oh, no, mdeed. It’s only this. It’s all true,
every word I’ve told you, except that my Aunt Ray
never had a cat. She positively hates them.
All. Beatrice, what
do you mean by such
statements ?
Beatrice (very imno-
cently). Why, you
wanted me to tell you
a piece of news, didn’t
you ?
All. Yes, we did.
Beatrice. Well, I
couldn’t think of any I’d heard, so I only did just as
‘*] INVENTED SOME.â€
other people in the same condition of mind do — I
invented some.
THE CRICKET AND THE QUAIL.
HE Cricket on the quarter-deck
Sang sweetly to the Quail,
“Come to me, dear,
Come to me here,
As merrily we sail;
O’er land and sea
There’s none like thee,
Bird of the nut-brown tail.â€
The Quail demurely shook her head —
And then she looked aghast!
For stealthily
The Weasel, he
Came climbing down the mast!
He checked her moans,
He crunched her bones,
And sighed when all was past!
338
F MARDORIE.
THE CRICKET AND THE QUAIL. 341
The Cricket on the quarter-deck
Looked o’er the ocean’s swell,
And dreamily
Composed a glee,
The coy young Quail to quell.
For love is blind,
As love does’ find —
And both did love her well!
A WIZARD.
’TT\WAS a famous East Indian wizard —
He could change a cow to a lizard,
A fish to a squirrel,
Or, just by a twirl,
Make gold from a black hen’s gizzard.
342
A WIZARD. 343
This clever East Indian wizard
Fell in with a Kansas blizzard;
They had a set-to,
And when they got through
He didn’t know “a†from “izzard.â€
DILL.
AME CLEMENTINA was in her dairy churning,
and her little daughter Nan was out in the
flower-garden. The flower-garden was a little plot back
of the cottage, full of all the sweet, old-fashioned herbs.
There were sweet marjoram, sage, summersavory,
lavender, and ever so many others. Up in one corner
there was a little green bed of dill.
Nan was a dainty, slim little maiden, with yellow,
flossy hair in short curls all over her head. Her eyes
were very sweet and round and blue, and she wore a
quaint little snuff-colored gown. It had a very short
full waist, with low neck and puffed sleeves, and the
skirt was straight and narrow and down to her little
heels.
She danced around the garden, picking a flower here
_and there. She was making a nosegay for her mother.
She picked lavender and sweet-william and pinks, and
bunched them up together. Finally she pulled a little
344
A STRANGE, SAD STATE OF THINGS.
345
DILL. 347
sprig of dill, and ran, with that and the nosegay, to
her mother in the dairy.
“Mother dear,’ said she, “here is a little nosegay
for you; and what was it I overheard you telling Dame
Elizabeth about dill last night?â€
Dame Clementina stopped churning and took the
nosegay. “Thank you, Sweetheart, it is lovely,†said
she, “and, as for the dill—it is a charmed plant,
you know, like four-leaved clover.â€
“Do you put it over the door?†asked Nan.
“Yes. Nobody who is envious - or ill-disposed can
enter into the house if there is a sprig of dill over
the door. Then I know another charm which makes
it stronger. If one just writes this verse:
““Alva, aden, winira mir,
Villawissen lingen ;
‘Sanchta, wanchta, attazir,
- Hor de mussen wingen,
under the sprig of dill, every one envious, or evil-
disposed, who attempts to enter the house, will have
348 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
to stop short, just where they are, and stand there;
they cannot move.â€
“What does the
verse mean?†asked
Nan, with great eyes.
“That I do not
know. It is written
in a foreign lan-
guage. But it is a
*® powerful charm.â€
“Q mother! will
you write it off for
me, if I will bring
you a bit of paper
and a pen?â€
“Certainly,†re-
plied her mother,
and wrote it off
when: Nan brought
pen and paper.
“Now,†said she,
NAN RETURNS WITH Soe UMBRELLAS, es you must run oft
DILL. 349
and play again, and not hinder me any longer, or I
shall not get my butter made to-day.â€
So Nan danced away with the verse and the sprig
of dill, and her mother went on churning.
She had a beautiful, tall stone churn, with the sides
all carved with figures in relief. There were milkmaids
and cows as natural as life all around the churn. The
dairy was charming too. The shelves were carved stone;
and the floor had a little silvery rill running right
through the middle of it, with green ferns at the sides.
All along the stone shelves were set pans full of yellow
cream, and the pans were all of solid silver, with a
chasing of buttereups and daisies around the brims.
It was not a common dairy, and Dame Clementina
was not a common dairy-woman. She was very tall
and stately, and wore her silver-white hair braided
around her head like a crown, with a high silver
comb at the top. She walked like a queen; indeed
she was a noble count’s daughter. In her early youth
she had married a pretty young dairyman, against her
father’s wishes; so she had been disinherited. The dairy-
man had been so very poor and low down in the world,
350 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
that the count felt it his duty to cast off his daughter,
lest she should do discredit to his noble line. There
was a much pleasanter, easier way out of the difficulty,
which the count did not see. Indeed, it was a peculiarity
of all his family that they never could see a way out
of a difficulty, high and noble as they were. The
count only needed to have given the poor young dairy-
man a few acres of his own land, and a few bags
of his own gold, and begged the king, with whom he
had great influence, to knight him, and all the obstacles
would have been removed; the dairyman would have
been quite rich and noble enough for his son-in-law.
But he never thought of that, and his daughter was
disinherited. However, he made all the amends to her
that he could, and fitted her out royally for her humble
station in life. He caused this beautiful dairy to be
built for her, and gave her the silver milk-pans, and
_the carved stone churn.
“My daughter shall not churn in a common wooden
-churn, or skim the cream from wooden pans,†he had
said.
The dairyman had been dead a good many years
DILL. 351
now, and Dame Clementina managed the dairy alone.
She never saw anything of her father, though he lived
in his castle not far off, on a neighboring height.
When the sky was clear, she could see its stone towers
against it. She had four beautiful white cows, and
Nan drove them to pasture; they were very gentle.
When Dame Clementina had finished churning, she
went into the cottage. As she stepped through the
little door with clumps of sweet-peas on each side,
she looked up. There was the sprig of dill, and the
magic verse she had written under it.
Nan was sitting at the window inside, knitting her
stent on a blue stocking. “Ah, Sweetheart,†said her
mother, laughing, “you have little cause to pin the
dill and the verse over our door. None is likely to
envy us, or to be ill-disposed toward us.â€
“OQ mother!†said Nan, “I know it, but I thought
it would be so nice to feel sure. Oh, there is Dame
Golding coming after some milk. Do you suppose she
will have to stop?â€
“What nonsense!†said her mother. They both of
them watched Dame Golding coming. All of a sudden,
352 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
she stopped short, just outside. She could go no farther.
She tried to lift her feet, but could not.
““Q mother!’ cried Nan, “she has stopped!â€
The poor woman began to scream. She was frightened
almost to death. Nan and her mother were not much
less frightened, but they did not know what to do.
They ran out, and tried to comfort her, and gave her
some cream to drink; but it did not amount to much.
Dame Golding had secretly envied Dame Clementina
for her silver milk-pans. Nan and her mother knew
why their visitor was so suddenly rooted to the spot,
of course,- but she did not. She thought her feet
were paralyzed, and she kept begging them to send
for her husband.
“Perhaps he can pull her away,†said Nan, crying.
How she wished she had never pinned the dill and
the verse over the door! So she set off for Dame
Golding’s husband. He came running in a great hurry;
but when he had nearly reached his wife, and had his
' arms reached out to grasp her, he, too, stopped short.
He had envied Dame Clementina for her beautiful white
cows, and there he was fast, also.
DIE 353
He began to groan and scream too. Nan and_ her
mother ran into the house and shut the door. They
could not bear it. “What shall we do if any one
else comes?†sobbed Nan. “O mother! there is Dame
Dorothy coming. And — yes — oh, she has stopped too !â€
Poor Dame Dorothy had envied Dame Clementina a
little for her flower-garden, which was finer than hers,
so she had to jom Dame Golding and her husband.
Pretty soon, another woman came, who had looked
with envious eyes at Dame Clementina because she
was a count’s daughter; and another, who had grudged
her a fine damask petticoat which she had had before
she was disinherited, and still wore on holidays; and
they both had-to stop.
Then came three rough-looking men in velvet jackets
and slouched hats, who brought up short at the gate
with a great jerk that ‘nearly took their breath away.
They were robbers who were prowling about with a
view to stealing Dame Clementina’s silver milk-pans
some dark night.
All through the day the people Reni coming and
stopping. It was wonderful how many things poor
354 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK,
Dame Clementina had to be envied by men and women,
and even children. They envied Nan for her yellow
DAME ELIZABETH STARED WITH ASTONISHMENT.
curls or her blue eyes,
or her pretty snuff-
colored gown. When
the sun set, the yard
in front of Dame
Clementina’s cottage
was full of people.
Lastly, just before
dark, the count him-
self came ambling up
on a coal-black horse.
The count was a
majestic old man
dressed in velvet, with
stars on his_ breast.
His white hair fell in
long curls on his
shoulders, and he had
a pointed beard. As he
came to the gate, he caught a glimpse of Nan in the door.
DILL. 355
“How I wish that little maiden was my child!†said
he. And, straightway, he stopped. His horse pawed and
trembled when he lashed him with a jewelled whip to
make him go on; but he could not stir forward one
step. ~Neither could the count dismount from his sad-
dle; he sat there fuming with rage.
Meanwhile, poor Dame Clementina and little Nan
were overcome with distress. The sight of their yard
full of all these weeping people was dreadful. Neither
of them had any idea how to do away with the trouble,
because of their family inability to see their way out
of a difficulty. a
When supper-time came, Nan went for the cows,
and her mother milked them into her silver milk-pails,
and strained off the milk into her silver pans. Then
they kindled up a fire and cooked some beautiful milk
porridge for the poor people in the yard, and then
carried them each a bowlful.
It was a beautiful, warm moonlight night, and all
the winds were sweet with roses and pinks; so the
people could not suffer out of doors; but the next
morning it rained.
356 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“QO mother!†said Nan, “it is raining, and what will
the poor people do?â€
Dame Clementina would never have seen her way
out of this difficulty, had not Dame Golding’ cried out
that her bonnet was getting wet, and she wanted an
umbrella.
“Why, you must go around to their houses, of course, :
and get their umbrellas for them,†said Dame Clemen-
tina; “but first, give ours to that old man on _horse-
back.†She did not know her father, so many years
had passed since she had seen him, and he had altered
SO.
So Nan carried out their great yellow umbrella to
the count, and went around-to the others’ houses for
their own umbrellas. It was pitiful enough to see them
standing all alone behind the doors. She could not find
three extra ones for the three robbers, and she felt
badly about that.
Somebody suggested, however, that milk-pans turned
over their heads would keep the rain off their slouched
hats, at least; so she got a silver milk-pan for an
umbrella for each. They made such frantic efforts to
DILL. 357
get away then, that they looked like jumping-jacks,
but it was of no use.
“sUCH FRANTIC EFFORTS TO GET AWAY.â€
Poor Dame Clementina and Nan, after they had given
more milk porridge to the people, and done all they
,
358 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
could for their comfort, stood starmg disconsolately out
of the window at them under their dripping umbrellas.
The yard was fairly green and black and. blue and
yellow with umbrellas. They wept at the sight, but
they could not think of any way out of the difficulty. ©
The people themselves might have suggested one, had
they known the real cause; but they did not dare
to tell them how they were responsible for all the
trouble; they seemed so angry.
About noon Nan spied their most particular friend,
Dame Elizabeth, coming. She lived a little way out of
the village. Nan saw her approaching the gate through
the rain and mist, with her great blue umbrella, and
her long blue double cape and her poke bonnet; and
she cried out in the greatest dismay: “O mother,
mother, there is our dear Dame Elizabeth coming; she
will have to stop too!â€
Then they watched her with beating hearts. Dame
Elizabeth stared with astonishment at the people, and
stopped to ask them questions. But she entered the
cottage under the sprig of dill and the verse. She did
not envy Dame Clementina or Nan anything.
DILL. 359
“Tell me what this means,†said she. “Why are
all these people standmg in your yard in the rain with
umbrellas ?â€
Then Dame Clementina and Nan told her. “And oh
‘what shall we do?†said they. “ Will these people
have to stand in our yard forever?â€
Dame Elizabeth stared at them. The way out of the
difficulty was so plain to her, that she could not credit
its not being plain to them.
“Why don’t you take down the sprig of dill and
the verse?†said she.
“Why, sure enough!†said they, im amazement. ©
“Why didn’t we think of that before?â€
So Dame Clementina ran out quickly, and pulled
down the sprig of dill and the. verse.
Then the way the people hurried out of the yard!
They fairly danced and flourished their heels, old folks
and all. They were 80 delighted to be able to move,
and they wanted to be sure they could move. The
robbers tried to get away unseen with their silver
milk-pans, but some of the people stopped them, and
set the pans safely inside the dairy. All the people,
360 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
except the count, were so eager to get away, that they
did not stop to inquire into the cause of the trouble then.
“TNE COUNT THINKS HIMSELF INSULTED.â€
Afterward, when
they did, they were
too much ashamed to
say anything about it.
It was a good les-
son to them; they
were not quite so
envious after that.
Always on entering
any cottage, they
would glance at the
door, to see if, per-
chance, there might
be a sprig of dill over
it. And, if there was
not, they were re-
minded to put away
any envious feeling
they might have toward the inmates out of their
hearts.
DILL. ; 361
As for the count, he had not been so much alarmed
as the others, smce he had been to the wars and was
braver. Moreover, he felt that his dignity as a noble had
been insulted. So he dismounted and fastened his horse
to the gate, and strode up to the door with his sword.
clanking and the plumes on his hat nodding.
“What,†he begun; then he stopped short. He had
recognized his daughter in Dame Clementina. She rec-
ognized him at the same moment. “O my dear daugh-
ter!†said he. “OQ my dear father!†said she.
“And this is my little grandchild?†said the count;
and he took Nan upon his knee, and covered her with
caresses.
Then. the story of the dill and the verse was told.
“Yes,†said the count, “I truly was envious of you,
Clementina, when I saw Nan.â€
After a little, he looked at his daughter sorrowfully.
“JT should dearly love to take you up to the castle
with me, Clementina,†said he, “and let you live
there always, and make you and the little child my
heirs. But how can I? You are disinherited, you
know.â€
362 THE CHILDREN’S NONSENSE BOOK.
“THEY FAIRLY DANCED AND FLOURISHED THEIR HEELS.â€
“J don’t see any way,’ assented
Dame Clementina, sadly.
Dame Elizabeth was still there, and she
spoke up to the count with a courtesy.
a o
ty fy i
t as pd é
“Noble sir,’ said she, “why don’t you
make another will?â€
“Why, sure enough,†cried the count with great
delight, “why don’t I? Ill have my lawyer up to the
castle to-morrow.â€
He did immediately alter his will, and his daughter
was no longer disinherited. She and Nan went to live
at the castle, and were very rich and happy. Nan
learned to play on the harp, and. wore snuff-colored
satin gowns. She was called Lady Nan, and _ she
lived a long time, and everybody loved her. But
never, so long as she lived, did she pin the sprig of
dill and the verse over the door again. She kept them
at the very bottom of a little satim-wood box — the
DILL. 363
faded sprig of dill wrapped round with the bit of paper
on which was written the charm-verse :
“Alva, aden, winira mir,
Villawissen lingen ;
Sanchta, wanchta, attazir,
Hor de mussen wingen.â€
THE SNAIL.
QUEER little snail, with a spikky-spiked tail,
Carrying his house on his back, =
Went for a walk, near a tall lily stalk,
Out from the garden track.
And waddling so still, with her fat yellow bill,
Along came a lily-white duck ;
And right m the track she gave a great “quack!â€
And swallowed the snail, for luck.
2QSh5K25
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