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LONDON:
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 80, I
'LEET STREET, E.C.
\ C-
-V CLOCK had struck-the Masons had struck-one of HER
MAJESTY'S ships, the Conqueror, had struck But no notion
had struck the Privy Council!
Thus would the event be described by MR. DICKENS in
his striking style, so why the dickens should not we describe
it in the same way ?
The Privy Council had assembled in Downing-stroot
Ay ta (before the builders began downing it in earnest) to decide
what should be sent to the International Exhibition of 1862
-"G' "a- ^ g ias England's chef d'oauvre. It must be something admirable,
complete, superb-the result of a hitherto unheard-of com-
e_'
and inexpensiveness But though they had long been
trying to hit on a notion, it would not retaliate and strike in return. It was a Quaker notion, yet not a Bright idea.
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER thought they might arrive at their object in three ways. He--
THE SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS began to rustle his papers, and whistle, When shall we three meet again "
THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER was still proceeding with his speech, when the Clerk of the Council entered
with various papers to be laid before them, whereupon .M. GLADSTONE said he should sit down, as he was inter-
rupted by Mn. HELPS and hindrances.
EARL RUSSELL said that the papers just brought in contained an application from Mn. COLE, the Superintendent
of the South Kensington Museum, for leave to annex that exhibition to the greater one as a kind of dependent or
tributary state; he therefore thought the applicant should be referred to the SECRETARY FOR THE COLONIES.
SIR GEORGE C. LEWIS was of opinion that that was sending COLE to NEWCASTLE. But he fancied that the
SECRETARY FOR FOREIGN AFFAIRS was introducing them into the present discussion. Would the PRESIDENT 1' T'1in
COUNCIL OF INDIA suggest what should be sent to the International Exhibition ? But SIR CHARLES WOOD wouldn't.
MR. GLADSTONE suggested "a few figures,"-the three Graces, for instance, or any one of them.
MR. MILNER GIBSON said, as regarded Government statues, he thought the nation-with all deference to the
Board of Public Works-was bored of public works of that description.
MR. COWPER submitted that the required object would be found in the form on which he stood when addressing
the people on the Kensington 'Garden Ride proposal. But the hon. gentleman's proposal was derided.
EARL RUSSELL suggested an 'llegorical picture, representing the life of his favourite offspring, Reform Bill.
LORD WESTBURY prop.e:.S]d that the counsel in the WINDHAM case should be asked to meet the wishes of the
Council by exhibiting a .colossal Gold Statue of Justice to be cast solid from the fees in that case.
THE DUKE OF ARGYLL was of opinion that the lawyers would not come to the scratch. In answer to a question
from the LORD CHANCELLOR, his Grace explained that he did not mean Old Scratch.
EARL GRANVILLE disapproved of the plan. Would the DUKE OF SOMERSET turn over the matter in his mind ?
THE FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY observed-" In this discussion it seems to me (the DUKE OF SOMERSET) some
are setting too high a value on the various objects they propose for exhibition."
iv PREFACE.
THE DUKE OF NEWCASTLE thought they should ask the Head of the Government what they should do.
LORD PALMERSTON, who was waked out of a sound nap, said-" Go to the De- "
Yes-and then! Ye whose clay-cold heads and lukewarm hearts can argue down or mask your passion-tell
me what trespass is it that a man should lose his temper if you tread on his gouty toe. Whip me such humbugs, say
we to ourselves. After which STERNE denunciation we will explain that EARL RUSSELL had pressed LORD
PALMERSTON'S foot under the Council table; and, after all, the remark which the noble Lord intended to make was-
Go to the Dead Philosophers."
The Council immediately adopted the plan. LORD PALMERSTON himself was to descend to the Shades (not in
Leicester-square), and learn from the defunct sages the wisest thing to be done in the present emergency.
A Hansom was chartered, and his Lordship, declining the company of MR. GLADSTONE, who was anxious to inspect
the three heads of Cerberus, and have a few words with HOMER, stept into it, and was rapidly whirled down Parliament-
street, which, as every one knows, is the shortest cut to the Styx.
After a drive of some duration, the Styx (in the shape of a turnpike bar, which CHARON had the care on ") was
reached and passed, and the noble Lord was ushered by a Fury, who was fashionably code with small Pythons, into
the Halls of Wisdom-the abode of the Shades of the Illustrious Sages of the Past.
HA! IA! HA! HO! HO! Ho! HE! HE! HE! HI! HHI!I! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO!
We are not laughing at the reader. The above cachinnatory monosyllables are a feeble attempt to type-ify the
sounds which re-echoed on his Lordship's ears, as he flung open the door, and found himself in the presence of the
COLLECTIVE WISDOM Of the Past.
Sor.oN, SOCRATES, PLATO, PYTHAGORAS, TIIALES, ANAXIMANDER, XENOPHANES, DIOGENES, and all the wise men of the
Old World were laughing consumedly. Never were such chuckling, cacklings, guffawings, hawhawings, heheings,
hohoings, side-holdings, cheek-wrinklings, teeth-showings, and quizzable risible antics since the days of RABELAIS.
With some doubt as to whether he had not come to the wrong place, his Lordship, amid incessant roars of laughter
(to which, however, his Parliamentary career had accustomed him), explained to the worthies that the English
Government wished to learn from them what they should send to the International Exhibition of 1862, as the
masterpiece, not only of England, but of the world-the first-fruits of taste, talent, art, science, wisdom, excellence,
and inexpensiveness ?
Then rose SOCRATES, and in a terrible voice, half choked by a giggle, exclaimed-
"FTTUN!
The truest Wisdom is Wit-the greatest Philosophy is Folly-the mightiest Weapon of Mankind a Laugh! "
.......--r---- ------- = ------ ;----'^- -.W.t- -'
[Our readers must not mistake the meaning of the initials in the corner of this block. They are not those of J-N M-LL-s-,
but of MATTHEW JONES, our Pre-Raphaelite artist.}.
XLvs.U,' 'Y/ k4% M -
E,"c'- -.:C^^ ^ g xr'
t i T~- "-T I' it not, we pI cy, (en- Strangely enough, lie grumnibles at this arranlgementl, dec'laring lie ,hall
tic reader, save in a salta- never be able to get the sack."
S lory sense, -namly, in These be our principal contributors, but we have others, minor
-', delight at its lpugency iterrymen, who will rather astonishl you whlin you comit' in know
a i m-...i""- and point. Now, then, them. But, be it understood, we shall glally receive tclirilltion
1iK l'-T-, .... to be terribly 'ntuny,- (which we shall never return if not used), lor tiere is nothing like
now for the primary new bloi" flor eepig FIN leire." You seN we an' S-urI get,
,I' -' plnnge,-- now to make on capitally with the support of such a salf; Ither shall be no
4 'I.-y *I '-Ai ^'-._ ithe first joke, the pioneer- grumbling at the fair quality of ihe prosei or lie lse quantities iin Iie
ing pun, the crashing nietre ; while as to the a iounlt weekly providel'd ifor pIllleny, is w'e
-_ coinunldrumn which is to intend to wield our conductor's haton in tli most liberal manner,
.clear the course, and rely upon it every one shall have his whack. In concluhsionl, \we oiver'
-_ -==- '.j,- ___. iwhichishlouldbe decidedly intend leaving oil. "' Iow yeo do go onl!" will resound thlroiiglhout,
"out of the way." We the land, for there will literally be "no end of' FIIN." And now, !is
*~'- -falter, we blush, we break the overture is finished, let us have a clear stage and lots of thyvour,
---.... down. The eyes of mil- down (with ycnr money) in fi-ont, ring up, and conltlllneo lor tile
lions are upon us ; thou- season.
sands and thousands of throbbing breasts await it in painful expect-
ancy. We are not equal to the occasion, and for oicc we will be
serious, promising never, oh! "never to be so again." FEMALE CONGRESS FOR TH'IE 'lRMOTlIO'lN OF
In these days there are but three recognized coins of the realm,- SOCIAL SCIENCE.
the sovereign, the shilling, and the penny. Other coins exist we
know, but we take no heed of them; the florin has long since come AT' the first meeting of this Association paper's woro read by tlio
to the ground, the half-crown is entirely deposed, and the once following members :-
flippant sixpence has become so punished hi its lengthened battle By the Ex-QUENx of N.ki.iis:-On 'Tolbuco,-- its Uses and
with the world, that it is a perfect anomaly, for although its counte- Abuses.
nance is exceedingly battered, at the same time it'shows no evidence By Mits. GAt.N-:-On Chits in General, and Young H ussies ill
of the mill. What may you not procure, and where may you not go, particular.
for a pound ? It becomes bewildering to think of the lap of luxury in By LAIIY i .cu-I,.:Tni :-On Woman's Mission and Lawlil Conjugal
which may loll the proud possessor of that noble coin. Then the Supremacy.
shilling; with that satisfactory sum in your possession, you may pick IBy Mus. M .tsitt. :-On the Rapid Spread olf abid Credulity in
and choose your pleasure with the unflurried calmness of a million- the 5Middlo Classes.
naire. As Guppy says, "the ole garden is open to you," and you may By Mv.tDmiIosE E ParT :- On Aeousl.t's, tand th Advantnges
take a comprehensive glance from the lowest walks of the drama to derived by Sound from Travel.
the highest seats of the opera. As to the penny, what with penny ices, By Miss EIri O'CoNxoO:- On frequent, ialhiug,--it,s Pleisiures
penny collars, and penny newspapers, it is but too evident that he is and its Profits.
the popular favourite, and now that FUN may be obtained anywhere By the Female BLONDIN :-On European hDpendciieies on t.lh
and everywhere for that sum,--now that the wretched misanthrope chords of Public Sympathy, and the Balance of l'ovcr as resulting
has a chance of making his miserable life happy,-now that the ladies therefrom.
may be certain of procuring "all the fun of the fuir,"-now that By MAD.AM FECiTEt :-On the Reflectionsinspired by tho Contlin-
capitalists investing in our Funs discover the advent of dividend day plation of a Romantic Village-or Hamlet..
once a week,-now that passengers by steamboats will find out that By Mts. STEAD:-On the absence of Splciic (;ravity in Beloved
the fun'll be necessary to their getting on,-now that omnibus riders Objects as observed in Domestic Sdances amiuong choice Spirits.
are certain to wonder how they have bussed so long withoutany FUN,- By LENOIA PEREA NENA:-On the lnflliuence of Songs and Dances
now, in short, that a "perfect cure," a penny-seer (small prophets on National Character, instancing Lilli-bohleo," lec.
and quick returns, say we), a universal nostrum for blae devils By MADAMEl GtISr:-On the numerous Advantages arising from
and other low spirits, may be obtained all for the small charge of Perpetual Retirement.
one penny,"-all the other coins current must admit its supremacy,
and be content to hide their diminished heads-and tails.
And now our first blow shall be at a cowardly old custom. We COPYRIGHT.
scorn sheltering ourself under the anonymous, and boldly publish the AN ingenious manufacturer of conjuring apparatus has, we observe,
names of our contributors:-- invented what he terms "a magical life-like portrait" of Mil.
PAN will give us a sort of Satyr-day Revicv. of Music and the SPULcGEON. This toy when placed on the ground, ie says, dances
Drama. gracefully, defying detection." This is an iijudicious annoullnceent
MOMUS will keep his eye on the Parliamentary proceedings (he is on the part of the inventor, for it cannot be a life-liko portrait if it
staying in Wales, at Mirth-er Tydvil, at present, but will run up to dances gracefully; and as to defying detection, the individual in
town this week), superintend the metrical department, compose all question has been found out long ago. We are then infoirmed that it
the comic songs, and write all de riddles. is sent free by return for eighteen stampss" As, however, we may
TOUCHSTONE, who is transferred from the Woods and Forests to obtain a genuine character for twelve, by applying to Professor
Fleet Street (much to Audrey's delight), will undertake to play clown 'Bilkingsop, we have no notion of giving eighteen for an artificial one.
to our most enormous circle-of readers.
YORICK (those damaging remarks about him in Hamlet are untrue,
he is alive, and,-as the country papers say of the gigantic goose- DEFUNT De ll Y
berry,-" to be seen in our office") has recovered his skull from a THE DEFUNCT DRAfm F.--The disease which generally caries off
repentant property-man of the period, and is to be our sub-head-itor. dramr-drinkers is half-quartern ague.
FALSTAFF is one of our real staff, and in consideration of his gene- Wi.rAT musical house should exclusively publish Bacchanalian
ral incompetency will "always be retained on the establishment." ditties?-Boosey.
VOL. .
FPU TN.
SEPTEMBER 21, 1861.
\J\ i 14
_. -
r^ /_ T \ ^
-^- '.^.
Adolphlus:-ELLEN! FAIRER THAN THE FAIREST FLOWER! GIVE, Ou,
GTVE ME ONE INCII OF THOSE LOVELY TRESSES TO WEAR NEAR MY DEVOTED
HEART! "
NauJhti! Cousin:-"DON'T, NELLY, DEAR. IF YOU GIVE HIM AN INCH HE
MAY TAKE A NELL "
OUR OWN MANIAC.
TIE Editor of Fux is surrounded by such an unpleasantly sensible, deep-
thinking, intellectual, logical lot, that it is with feelings of extreme gratifica-
tion ho is enabled to announce in his first number to his million readers, the
consolatory fact that he has, after the waste of much time in Hansom cabs, of
,utuch money in omnibus fares, of much invective in every variety of vehicle,
succeeded in obtaining the exclusive services of a fine, healthy, gibbering,
full-grown, full-blown MANIAC. Many maniacs presented themselves at our
office, imploring an engagement, the amount of emolument to remain with
ourselves, as in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred it would most decidedly
have done, for very few of them appeared worth their cell. But the model
mianiac, the pattern madman, whom the Editor had seen in his mind's eye,
appeared not. All were harmless, all were willing to be confined, all had
lucid intervals. But one bright afternoon an individual presented himself so
incoherent, so impatient of contradiction, so restless in his movements, so
dangerous to approach, that we were only too happy to rush up to the first-
door landing and arrange with him about terms over the banisters. Our
liberal offer he laughed at; we doubled it, and he smiled; we trebled it, and
with a howl of gorilla-like inharmoniousness, he seized a pen and signed his
engagement. He then commenced a frightful solo, seemed to be strongly
inclined for a round with somebody, but eventually retired from our office in a
mad-wriggle. This maniac is a great traveller, and promises to give us the
benefit of his wanderings weekly. We shall devote a half-column to him
hebdomadally, and he will never be admitted to see his proof on any account
whatever. Advertisers, purchasers, contributors, artists, and others, need be
under no alarm; he will never be encountered on the premises, and his salary
will be flung to him down the front area of his lodgings in Mad-dox Street
every Saturday.
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted (for the fvrst time) to Aristocratic Oircles.
No. 1.-THE BALLAD OF LORD LOTEL.
LORD LOVEL reclined at his club-house daw,
Displaying his milk-white teeth,
He lisped forth Exthithtenth ith quite a baw,
I think I thall go to the Eath, Eath, Eath,
Yeth, I think I thall go to the Eath."
Then up drove the young LADY NANCY BELL,
In the narrowest bonnet e'er seen,
But its scanty width was made up for well,
By the breadth of her stiff crinoline-line-line,
By the breadth of her stiff crinoline.
"Oh, where are you going, LORD LOVEL ? she said,
Oh, where are you going ?" said she;
The which repetition, though perhaps 'tis well bred,
Smacks strongly of tautologes-gee-gee,
Smacks strongly of tautologee.
LORD LOVEL he lifted his languid lidth,
And replied, "To the Eath, like fun;
Thothe jolly old thwells the grand pyramidth,
Are thingth that muth weally be done, done, done,
Are thingth that mouth weally be done."
"When will you return, LORD LOVEL ?" she sobbed,
When will you return ? sobbed she ;
"In thixth month if I'm not murdered and wobbed,
In that powilouth countwie-twie-twie,
In that pewilouth countwie."
He'd hardly been absent a month at the most,
Or it might have been just the fifth week,
When he met with some lines in the Morning Post,
Which quite blanched his most delicate cheek, cheek,
Which quite blanched his most delicate cheek. [cheek,
So he travelled his fastest by mail and express
Until he reached London town,
And then, calling a cab, without waiting to dress,
To Grosvenor Place rattled down, down, down,
To Grosvenor Place rattled down.
What there are the flunkeys in liveries new,
The bells from the church gaily sound;
His heart beats in terror, he seeks for a clue,
From one of the crowd standing round, round, round,
From one of the crowd standing round.
"Oh, what ith the cauthe of thith wow, pwythee tell ?
I'm weally motht ankthiouth to know."
Said a boy, A hold swell's married LADY HEN BELL,
And haint it no end of a go, go, go,
And haint it no end of a go."
Then he orders the door to be opened wide,
And not any one's pardon he begs;
But up to the breakfast proceeds with one stride,
Interrupting a gent on his legs, legs, legs,
Interrupting a gent on his legs.
"Ekthplain thith pwoceeding atwothiouth and wong;
Yeth, ekthplain it, moth faith LADY BELL."
"That lady's not present, so pray go along,"
Gasps a gorgeous, though elderly, swell, swell, swell,
Gasps a gorgeous, though elderly, swell.
She who was LADY BELL is now married to me,
And has been so two hours at the least,"
"'Twas your own fault, my lord, sighs the LADY NANSEE,
But you should'nt have gone to the East, East, East,
But you should'nt have gone to the East."
MOwAVL.
(Addresse: bA his Lordship, from th doorstep, to a particulturly derisive
mob.)
"All you who have thweethearth, take warning by me,
When engaged don't go woaming about;
Or thomr thuob will thnap up your LIAD NAXTIIHE,
And your tesmpar anl nothe he'll pub out, oat, out,
And your bothom's bwight hopes put to wout"
SEPTEMBER 21, 1861.]
F:PTT I.
SEA-SIDE INTELLIGENCE. inuediiatel igibouriehood of the jar containing the attractive condi-
SEA-SIDE INTELLIGENCE. meant, and it is some satisfaction to know that the thief must have
EELING that at this season of the cut himself prior to his running away. Absurd rumours are abroad,
year any news from the seaside must but as yet I do not feel justified in expressing an opinion. By the
S be welcome to the oppressed brows next post I may be enabled to send you some further information.
and eyes of those of our readers who
may be obliged by the exigencies of LLANBYCHLLYLGLWCH.
business to remain in town, we have, This delightful little watering place is rapidly rising into importance,
N for their especial delectation, engaged and is attracting the attention of those who prefer quietude and an
d competent and reliable correspon- uninterrupted view of that mighty monster ocean, to crowded
S dents at most of the principal water- parades, bustling bazaars, dissipated donkey-drivers, din and duslt.
ing-places who will keep us au couin t As yet only two houses, belonging to the intended Blle-vue Terace,
with the general "goings on" in their have been erected, and their appearance by no means answers the
S- through the medium of our pages, an of the terrace in a state of completion in Ma. OWEN OWEN'S library
Sodour smacking of the saline and window, but we are given to understand, by those who know all
invigorating to those who may prefer about it," that when the entire row is finished, they will look im-
S./-- the Sunday safety of the back parlour posing, most imposing." Visitors, I am sorry to say, complain of the
to ever so many "hours at the sea- difficulty they experience in procuring food, and declaro-somewhat
side," with the strong probability of unreasonably-that there is no certainty regarding anything but
four babies in the carriage, and the chances of a collision in a tunnel. shrimps. Our postman, too, does not give that satisfaction which
The salary paid to each correspondent is surprising,-that is to say, I'm sure it is always his study to deserve. Ho says the English
it will be surprising when he gets it. We have heard that some of anaes puzzle him, and why should they not? I am suro the Welsh
them are already investing boldly in buff slippers and wide-awakes on names puzzle is. Very well, then. A plato-glass window has boon
the strength of it. One proud person has gone so far as to hire a substituted for the old-fashioned arrangement of panes in the shop of
horse for the season ;-ah! we fear in his instance pride will have a 3n. EVAN EvANs, the confectioner, through which the bath ImnR,
fall. No, gentle, but slightly too sharp reader, he is not our Ryde open tarts, and imitation moulds of jolly, really look elegant. A
correspondent. The gentleman who promised to send us Worthing in- ahvourite cat, of uncertain age, has not, at present, boon able to adapt
telligence does such fearful things with his native tongue that we have itself to this improved state of things, and has an unpleasant knlck
been obliged to send him a second-hand copy of LINDLEY MU:RRAY. of settling itself down for the day amongst the sponge-cakes in a
One unfortunate correspondent, at Tenby, has become so dull that we domestic manner which must seriously interfere with the demand for
have been forced to send him to Brighton. However, the gentleman those articles. An enterprising character, of the name of BIloo! Ns,
at Broad-stares has promised to keep his eyes open, and we have has started some bathing machines, and Ml. O(WNSxs, the librarian,
despatched a reliable person from the Haymarket to Buxton. One has added the The Caxtons and The Roeimnnc of War to his some-
valued friend, whose style of writing was remarkable for terseness, what sparsely furnished shelves, under the impression that they
promised to send us short tales from Cowes, but we regret to say that are the latest works of fiction out. The big hotel on the cliff is not
he has changed his manner of writing and his residence; lie has patronized at all. They ay that the landlord lies in bed all dny,
lately gone too talkey.* On the whole, however, our readers may sipping seltzer-water and brandy, and that the two pallid waiters plly
expect a full, true, and particular account of the various doings of the at "fly the garter" in the hall, giving each o(lher backs" in the most
common and uncommon objects of the sea-shore. We shall now let methodical and melancholy manner imaginable. The Liverpool boat
our correspondents speak for themselves, which-as they are paid by has just arrived. No passengers.
length-they do in the most elaborate and verbose manner possible.
We are obliged to cut down a good deal of their copy," at which
the writers, we have no doubt, are proportionately "cut up."
DRAWING-ROOMH BALLADS.
MONEY MARGATE AND JETTY INTELLIGENCE.
[Our readers will excuse the form in which our 'l--fqr r nrr'riponsedent clothes
his remarks. He was once the writer of the .- i. in the Smiitlield
Sentinel, and has never succeeded in chLaging his style.]
An average amount of business was transacted in the fish market
to-day. Stocks exhibited a decided rise ; landladies were firm in the
extreme; but we are ashamed to say that, though bathers exhibited
considerable buoyancy at an early hour, extreme unsteadiness was
nraiilested as the day advanced. The only bullyin' operation of any
importance at the bank consisted of extreme severity on the part of a
policeman, who ordered off a boot-blacking boy for whistling.
WALTON-ON-THE-NAZE.
[FROM OUR LONE CORRESPONDENT.
We are somewhat excited here just at present, and if this letter
exhibits some slight incoherency, a generous British public will please
to attribute it to the confusing circumstances by which I am sur-
rounded. There has been a robbery of an unexampled nature in the
annals of Walton-on-the-Naze crime. The place is in a ferment, the
thief has not been captured, and is, in all probability, roaming about
the neighbourhood,-nay, possibly mixing with the unconscious
visitors and inhabitants, and contaminating the atmosphere with his
polluting presence. Suspicion is abroad, no man trusts his neigh-
bour. No. 2 Tiddlywink Terrace, watches No. 3 askance as he
sneaks home to his lodgings with a pint of prawns for tea; and if the
mystery be not cleared up very shortly, the suspense will be too much
for your correspondent, and, at the risk of his salary and sea-sickness,
he must return to the metropolis and his family. Three bull's-eyes
(four to the ounce) have been taken fiom the window of MRS. SUCeEY,
confectioner, and although our vigilant policeman has kept his bull's-
eye" fixed upon the spot for two days, nothing has at present come
to light. The burglarious entrance-for such it is-appears to have
been effected through the medium of a broken pane of glass in the
SQy.--To Torj'uay! Printer's d-1I.
IMPROVISED IBY A GENTLEMAN WITI A GOOD n tMORY.
'Twero vain to tell thee all I feel,
Indeed, 'twere vain to tell,
I would not, if I could, conceal,
O 1! yes, yes, 'tis a spell;
Oh, lullaby, poor Lucy Neal,
That sleeps in convent cell.
I'll not beguile thee from thy home,
Take back those gems you gave;
I'vo heard it said some love to roam
All by th, sad sea wave ;
The Wolf! or, better, Pope of Rome,
Dog Tray, Diuois the brave.
In this old chair my father sat,
lie was a man of might;
The owl sits by the tree, the bat
In happy moments quite,
Sings tra, la, la, all round my hat,
My native land, good night.
Oh, maid of Athens ere we part
A hunting we will go;
[Jpon the hill lie turned,-so smart
Are girls of Buffalo;
Take now this ring, 'tis tline; the heart
liow'd down:-Row, brothers, row.
RED RUFF-IAN BEWARE I
WE perceive through the medium of the advertising columns of a
sporting and sportive contemporary that a book is published entitled
Ruff's Guide to the Tuy. As a companion volume to this we would
suggest the publication of another, to be cn-titled The Rough's Gaiide
to the Ring.
1F _U ItTmr [SEPTEMBER 21, 1861.
- l~Vib~:i r _
A. WON'DrEtrFTrLru AG -E.
Old Geetleisin, pecvmls for timee:-"TlHE TELEGRIAPH A TINE INVENTION INDEED! FINE IIDDLESTICKS!
TIIERE AND BACK IN HALF THE TIME."
Telefgraplih Bo:--"Nowe, BILL, Bn:sr TWO OUT o' TIIREE. CRY TO 3 E.'
Butcher BoDl : -"'E'ADs!"
I COULD HAVE RU-
RI-DDLE MY REE. offered a valuable prize to our recognized contributors for the montr
DDCONUNDRUEM.
THAr talented professor of the art of legerdemain, the Wizard of the We are grieved to say, however, that our liberal offer has not been
North, has frequently succeeded in galvanizing an apathetic public received in exactly the proper spirit, and we have been reluctantly
into a temporary excitement by offering a prize for the best original compelled to act in a severe manner, not at all pleasant to ourselves
conundrum. We have often pictured to ourselves the Wizard sur- or our contributors. These are the riddles sent to us:-
rounded by his blooming family in his back parlour, far away from Why was Miss LOUISr KEELEY, in the last Olympic burlesque,
his conjuring apparatus, and divested of that marvellous dress suit superior as a conductor to ALFRED Mi TLLoN ?
which struck such dismay to the heart of young Worsuor (who Because MxELLO beats time, but Miss KEELEY beat Time-er.
obtrusively placed himself in the flont row, and had his watch taken In consideration of this contributor's extreme age and universal
from him, and smashed to pieces under his very nose), that he was experience, we have desired him not to trouble himself again.
afraid to breathe, although, as he afterwards declared, he "saw how Why does the sun after shining on the hands of a lady controlling a
it was done." A wizard's back parlour must be a strange sight at pair of horses,-the one horse placed before the other,-resenmble the
any time, but as the hour for deciding on the merits of the crowds act she is performing ?
of conundrums approaches, as the great man begins to feel the Because it's tann'd em driving.
fiigltfil and almost overwhelming responsibility of his position,
it must indeed take more than ordinary human fortitude to enable This contrbutor was gien in charge.
him to summon the requisite amount of courage and a four-wheel The last and most flagrant is by a Caledonian contributor.
cab. What sleepless nights, what dreadful days must that man pass,- Why is the Brompton omnibus, when it has arrived at Sloane-street,
for wizards are but men, no matter from which quarter of time globe like one of Mit. NoTTON's pills ?
they come,-who feels that lie has set the busy brains of thousands to Because it's cam-a-mile.
work on torturing the English language, massacring the memory of We were puzzled as to the amount of punishment to be inflicted on
LIND.maY MI I-HA, and trampling on the sacred traditions of his this last offender, but, as a fearful example to his fellow-countrymen,
native tongue. We can fancy him wildly waking up in the night we at last, in a Draconic spirit, determined to exercise our authority
after a fearfiil iniaginar struggle with a relentless fiend, who refused to the utmost, and paid his fare back to Scotland.
to let go his throat until lie liad explained the reason for folks devoted There is a considerable difference between staring and stark mad,
to grinding grain attiring themselves habitually in a covering for the and when we offered a prize for the worst joke, we imagined that our
head of a colour corresponding with the article to the production of i contributors would not go beyond all bounds; there must be some
which they were in the habit of giving their attention; we say we limit even to imbecility, and we beg to hint to all who may wish to
can fancy him doing so, for ie lnure done it oursce,-s. Yes, anxious write for FuR, that they may go too far. The cup must still remain
to provide the most atrocious specimen of bad punning possible, we i on the goldsmith's hands-and shelf.
FIJIN.
i7 L 9
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THE GORILLA FAMILY AT THE SEA-SIDE.
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SEPTEMBER 21, 1861.] IF T IT. 9
PAN AT THE PLAY. GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
1BY M'ASSA 11OYLE.
URRAH! The Surrey is 0
returning to first principles. Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.
__ __PAN rejoices to find that CHAPTER THE FIRST.
there is still a theatre where R EECE was (and is) a country at
-P- an interesting damsel in the south-eastern extremity of
white muslin walks about Europe, so that it always was
through three acts, armed (and always is) in extremes. It
with nothing but her native was divided into two parts,-
modesty and a horse-pistol; Greece Proper and Peloponnesus
where the heavy ruffian -which, we presume, was im-
does not attempt by an Pp proper. Peloponnesus was a
assumed calmness of de- 1- ; I/fi peninsula, and is now known as
meanour, to cheat you into the Morea, and its devoted in-
the belief that he is not a habitants are only too happy
heavy raffian, but goes in s| mourir pour 1t pat.rie,--not that
boldly for right-hand cor- they ever do it. The character
ners, back falls, and black of the country is of a more
S eyebrows; where the comic favourable nature th th hat of
4 I man and the pert chamber- 8 the inhabitants, who may be
maid trip on as naturally described as much lolft,ior tih
as possible in the front i their most elevated Imountains,
scene after the duel, and and considerably deo)or that
make love inamedleyduet, their most indonltod valleys.
swearing never topart, and Thessaly (don't consider this a
going off immediately after- lie, because it's plerlfoctly truo)
wards at opposite sides; and Boootia were the most
where, in short, for two --- fruifill portions of the country,
hours and a half, a closely- and as Attica was notorious for its barrenness and sterility, obstinately
packed and full-flavoured refusing to produce fruit or flowers, it is evident that evon for a second
British audience is kept in Flora didn't back Attic-a.
astateoftheliveliest excite- The ancient Greeks appear to have lived like great beasts, and to
ment, only to be allayed by the highly elaborate death of the villain, have wandered about the face of the country without cultivate ing any
the rapturous embrace of the hero and the heroine, the unselfish of its natural features, and to have existed,-as their successors all
shouts of delight of the clean-looking tenantry (who are all to have over the world have done,-upon the very simplest pllants. Their
fifty per cent. taken off their rents by the rightful heir), the soothing dwelling-places were never permanent, and as they used to hook it
smell of the gunpowder, the timely descent of the green curtain, from one place to another, it is evident that their bills wore never
and the opportune arrival of the lady with the ginger beer. settled. They were of aquarrelsome and brutal toeiperamnot,linislina
PAN, although by no means a PAN of blue-fire propensities, delights their differences with blows on the head, so that what commenced
exceedingly in a Surrey drama, and he begs to tender his grateful with harmless banter, frequently ended with bloodshed and rappin'.
acknowledgments to Messrs. Creswick and Shepherd for affording Their continual migrations were so unexpected a tt the fomlues
him a real treat by producing The Idiot of the Mountain, a good frequently exclaimed My gracious!" when ordered to prepare for a
bustling melodrama from the French. Don't you be persuaded to go march by their lords and masters, who dropped dismally sig-
out of the good old beaten track, my friends; the Surrey drama gestive jokes about the "hides of March," which had the ell ct, of
is a drama peculiar to the theatre over which you rule ; blank verse reminding those wretched squaws that as their posess considered
and Roman togas are out of place on your boards; stick to the them treasures, they stood an unpleasant chance of a hiding. To
thrilling, it is quite a mistake to look upon a piece as rubbish because give an instance of the uncultivated and wretched taste of thoso
it may be highly wrought and over-intense; at the west end we are benighted barbarians, we are informed that they oven ascribed divine
drifting terribly into the namby-pamby, the milk-and-water, the honours to Polasgus, who appears to have put them up to a glorious
washed-out school of writing, and are too much in the habit of calling wrinkle by teaching them to oat acorns. They wero a foolish race,
pieces neat, when it is impossible to admit their point or originality, and actually swallowed the 'oaks. This may account for their being
It would be a poor compliment to Mr. Creswick to say that the such a corn-sequential people.
part of the Idiot was peculiarly adapted to him; but he played it Greece, in a very early stage of existence, appears, like many other
remarkably well, and recovered his intellect at the conclusion of the infants, to have been subject to strong convulsions. DocrlTo SCumrrz
piece in the most natural and satisfactory manner imaginable. The observes that "the country lies in a volcanic zone," and it has always
new and admirable scenery by two young but very rising artists,- had a considerable amount of trouble in looking after its owil, for
the Messrs. Brew, -is alone worth a visit. though no historian has been sulliciently rash as to ascribe its many
At this season most managers go out of town to recruit themselves; spots of interest to volcanic agency, still we may safely set them down
while some have gone to Baden and the Isle of Wight, the manager as such when we know that the country has always been notorious
of the Strand Theatre has gone to Cheltnam, not the watering- for its insufferably close and sultry summers, and equally remarkable
place, but the adapter of the neat little drama of IMore Precious than for its hot springs. Before the days of the Greeks or lHellenes,
Gold. The result of the visit has been a one-act piece entitled A Lucky the Pelasgians wore the most important of the dwellers in the
Escape, which succeeds in satisfying the somewhat easily tickled land. Their name and origin have been the subjects of much
palate of the Strand audience, and as the slice of something tasty speculation, which, like a good many other speculations we could
between the huge lumps of comic bread, The Postboy and Aladdin, mention, has yielded no definite results. Nobody seems to know
assists in make a dramatic sandwich which "goes down exceedingly exactly whQre they came from, but it is admitted very generally that
well. Miss Marie Wilton, in a white wig and a couple of coquettish they were not Autochthones,-that is to say, they did'nt spring from
court-plaster patches, is alone worth all the money, and Mossrs. the soil like the humbler classes in an Adelphi draua, frogs, and
Belford and Parselle work their hardest with good effect. pantomime imps. However, it is very evident that some one put them
The Soft Sex, which MR. CAInRLEs MATlHEWS (I presumeinthe con- up to the arts of husbandry, and some kind creature taught them
fusion of the moment) announced on the first night as written by how to make their bread. With an intuitive intelligence, at once
himself, is a good rattling comedy, full of life and fun. Woman remarkable and satisfactory, they did not require to le told what to
proved at first too much inclined to talk (not so unusual, surely), do with it, but ate it as if they had been perfectly used to it all their
but MR. FALCONER has expunged a good deal of very good writing lives. The speedy manner, too, in which each Polasgian took to till-
in a self-sacrificing but very sensible spirit, and the comedy and the ing the soil, proved him anything but a Tilly Slowboy, and in those
audiences are all the better for it. It is an excellent specimen of glorious days for agricultural labourers, the man-tiller was never
a conversational play, and immensely superior to Extremes. known to be a cloak for idleness. As some of the Pelasgians ven-
On Monday next The Colleen Bawn returns from the seaside to her tured out to sea, and took to piracy as naturally as possible, we learn
old quarters, and MR. DIox BOUCICAULT comes back from the favourite the interesting fact that they were not only farm-labourers, but occa-
watering-place at which he has been staying for his "headcr"-vacation. sionally navigators.
FU I-N.
[S'EPTEMlBER 21, 1861.
SOMETHING
LIKE CHIVALRY.
B~iege,'c, t ae Fair (cold Feig-): DoN'T YOU TInINK GIRL.S i oot rx irmr)rIv 6.1A1BSan IN
TIHOSEIETS ? "
Alonzo, 7the rem-p1T -are:- "WaLLt, No. I WAS JUST Tesv i niNsG i mEr LOOiE.-) DEUCEn
PR ET-Y !"
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TOUCHSTONE'S ITELEGRAMS.
IN the famous story AsroioEus takes off the roofs of the houses to
show the student what is passing in the city. FLUN does more,-takes
the cover off the universe and bids his readers take a sight at every-
thing and everybody. That which, in the days of DON CLEOF.AS, was
called supernatural, is now called scientific, and in Le Diable lloitex.
LE S.AE only anticipated House-top Telegraphic Communication.
We hasten to lay before our readers the
LATEST INTELLIGENCE.
Fromn LAURA D- to H. P. BU-NEYMrOLuTH, Fo;reig Office.
"Pa has gone into the city. He dines at Kensington. I shall be
at the old trysting-place at five. Till then __
From, LAMBERT LEECH to MiSS HARRIET IHARPIpIGIT.
"The old girl is going fast. Cone on directly, or that vagabond
FaED will be calling to spoil all, and she is not unconscious yet."
From- VIscoUNT PALMERSTrON to t he Editor of F x.
"I like the idea inunensely. Come up to Cambridge House, and
we will talk about it over a cigar. Not a word to Gladstone."
From SHANDYGAFF SHAWLPIN to BOOTY SPun, ESQ.
Bellona is scratched, and Hercules queer on his legs. HIedge all
you can. The Artful is at Belong. All U. P. Keep an eye on F;'
Fomi Bi .\SsixGTON BRE.xNLss o PA:UL BEDFORD, ESQ.
"Dear Sir,-I see Adelphi is closed. Our club-the Tatterver-
millionis'--give amateur performance to-night. I enclose tickets,
hoping for the favour of your company."
FR-oii PAUL BEDFORD 0to B13I.SSINGTON BRAINLESS, ESQ.
(In Answert to the abore).
"Dear boy, dear boy, dear boy, dear boy,-I dine out to-day with
a few clerical friends-so shall not be able to participate. Sorry,
dear boy; sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, but cannot help it. Ever yours,
dear boy, dear boy, P. B.
From, CONSTANCE BLnoOMI-nTON0 to lMss FIT.
It is not fill enough in the skirt. I have cried my eyes out about
it. Pray do come and alter it, so that it is ready by ten.
Fro;,, CYMnox SAVAGE to MRS. IIGENIxA SAVAGE, Cavil Cottage,
Aientiiitgtoni Cross.
If you choose to be reasonable I will return; if not-never! I
lave endured too much. Kiss the baby !"
Fo-m M s. SAVAGE to CYMON SxAAGE, Esq.
(Il Answer to the aboce).
Return, dear CyrMo. return ; or you will break my heart For-
give me-all shll be as you wish. For the future it shall be stewed,
and no word of reproach shall escape my lips."
10-
A FRIENDLY SUGGESTION.
IN a contemporary may be seen an
advertisement headed The London Lace
Paper Company," in which all sorts of
perishable articles are spoken of as pecu-
liarly calculated to prove the universal
applicability of this wonderful material
to hitherto unsuspected uses. We are
to have paper hats, paper waistcoats, and
paper shirt-fronts, in addition to the
highly popular penny paper collar, -a
seductive article which has already got
round an enormous number of people. It
strikes us that the company may extend
its scheme, and apply this accommodating
substance to several other objects. We
subjoin a list of articles to the manu-
facture of which the company might turn
its attention, fervently loping that it will
not return evil for good by sending us any
of its shares.
P'c ope IVii gs.-H-ighly recommended to
speculative kiteflyors.
1''pe Pipes.-To be manufactured of
the very best drawing paper.
(IPope,- Irifighters.-Strongly recom-
mended to rival editors in county towns;
manufactured of the most enduring mill-
board.
P1per Hlouses.--Particularly useful at
the present warm season to theatrical
managers. These houses look fully as
good as real ones to the inexperienced
eye.-N.B. Orders taken in any quantity.
WHO'S YOUR IIATTER?
On: aristocratic friend Brown, who feels
unhappy in sixteen shilling trousers, be-
cause they only cost him sixteen shillings,
- his tastes being expensive and his
means ignoble,-informs us that he now
pays much less for his hats than he was
wont to do. He used to buy the patent
ventilating hat (a very dear luxury, quite
beyond his limited salary), supposed to
weigh ile eighth of an ounce; but he
says that, though they were very light
indeed for a short walk, he found them
come exceedingly heavy in the long run.
_ ___
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SEPTEMBER 21, 1861.]
:FUN.
EXAMPLE OF FEMALE HEROISMI-No. 1.
MILDRED GOES TO A BALL SGdlS CRINOLINE.
SLEEP NO MORE.
SHAKSPEARE, who,-as has been remarked, we believe, before,-was not for an ago but for
all time, and whose comprehensive genius took in everything and everybody, appears to
have been a firm believer in Spirit Rapping,-we bog Ml. HOMEw's pardon, Spiritualism.
Hamlets fetch (and this is especially evident when the misanthropic prince is performed
by MR. FECH-TER) is very strong evidence in favour of this hypothesis. Richard III. is
full of man and womanifestations, and Hecate sings about his "little airy spirit:" as he is
being "taken up" at the time, his remark always seems to us to be strongly suggestive of
the police, more especially as the singer is generally engaged on the strength of his base
vice. But there is one line which we are surprised has never struck those ingenious
gentlemen who squabble eternally about trifles in the text, and pencil marks in the margin,
and it is no less extraordinary that the advocates of Spiritualism should have entirely over-
looked it. Macbeth, who, considering the ambitious and somewhat unscrupulous nature of
Lady M., cannot be said to have enjoyed very many of the pleasures of Home, in his cole-
brated address to the dagger of the mind,"-which, be it remembered, eluded his grasp in
a manner certainly anticipatory of the hands, feet, accordions, etc., met with at modern
sdamccs,-says
"Thou Marshall-est me the way that I was going."
There itis. There canbe no mistake about it. SHIAKSPEARE, with the prophetic perspicuity
peculiar to mighty geniuses, evidently saw in his mind's eye the popularity this remarkable
lady would achieve in after times. We have now done. We have pointed out this won-
derful passage, for doing which we must modestly remark that we think we certainly
deserve the thanks of common-taters and uncommon greens. We forbear to hint, lbut
anything in the shape of an easy chair, or a claret cup, or a set of the very best razors, may
be sent to the office, and will be gracefully acknowledged in the following number, as a
matter of course. We know very well what the Shakspearean Society would have done
had it been in existence.
A LAMENT FROM LINCOLN'S INN .
WILEn l Black is bagging birds away,
And Green is out of town;
And White's in tourist's suit of gray,
And in the heather-Brown;
While Wilkins on the jetty walks,
And Watkins strides the sands;
Wlile o'er wild highlands Wiggins stalks,
And tans his manly hands;
Prods in my blotting pad I make,
So sadly sigh and say,
Why was I fool enough to take
My holidays in May ? "
When ] return to Camden Town,
With most dejected air,
And on tlhe shut-np houses frown,
In Taradiddle Square;
My maiden aunt, who makos my tea,
(She isn't very bright),
Drops nightly one remark to nm,-
I wish she'd "drop it" quito:
"You've had your holiday; you wco ld
When yet the year was now;
You can't expect to have your pud-
-ding, boy, and cat it too."
The lady's observation's not
Original, I own,
But constant dropping on one spot,
Will wear the hardest stono;
And though I am not given to
Reflection, this remark
Escaped me as I sauntered through
That dear old Regent's Park,-
How many hearts grow sick and sad
In life's declining day,
And sigh to think that they have had
Their holidays in May."
SIIOCKINGLY COARSE, REALLY.
THE Editor of the Little Snlugborough
Courier was perusing with anything but
gratification the "country letter" of his
"London Correspondent." "Pshaw rub-
bish !" he exclaimed, as lie ran his eye down
tle columns of the dreary would-bo comic
platitudes, "poor BLAI.SE I'ASCAL was the
boy for country letters. Ah! if I could only
geot some one to write letters like Blaise's."
THE LiGrri'TST FisI: DINNEI.i P'OSSliLE.-
A pair of Cork Soles.
WilY do refugee foreign noblomon, who
dispense with linen but cannot do without
cheap cigars and garlic, prefer a small
weekly bill to a large one ?-Because it's less
to square.
Tia, ]Rix .--Ont his next visit to the
metropolis, Mi. T. SAiYEX S intends, we hear,
to put up at Mawley's Hotel.
IMrPOirANT A.NNOu IsN CnMEINT.--Rainbowsare
not made of watered silk.
CoNUNDsi.lM Foll WAIIr WEATHrErR.-Jonoe
tried very hard to obtain forty winks, but
failed, in consequence of an irritating fly.
Why was that fly JonoIs's deadliest onomy?-
Because it was his bit o' ret tooe.
IlIltII.sNIAN CoxuNl)NiaM.--Why is tile Daily
News like a black eye ?-Because it is a
mourning peeper.
ONE TO Till,; DosSE.-Wlien a Holloway
omnibus "goes down," may iot the mishap
be described as a Iolloway spill ?
YF XIUN.
[SE~;T'rPT ERi 21, 1861.
A TALE O:F WO1VEAN\'S VEN1TG--EAINCE-.
Mri. Sp algs :-" WHAT'S TII IE AiTTII, MYR DEAR FELLOW ? "
MrI. WVoriitvoooc Scr'aMs:-" WiYr, I JUST ASIED ALICIA MORTIiMEiR FOR THE NEXT WALTZ, WHEN THAT SPITEFUL FANNY MARTIN
GAVE llE SUCII A KNOCK ON TIE SHIN 1Mlr HER HOOP, THAT I SHA'INT BE .\LE TO DANCE FOR A FOITNIGIIT."'
my native laud, and the dark, but mellifluous-toned Mackni! She
EXTRACT FROM A DIARY FOUND NEAR -- PRISON. passed on proudly to her bathing-machine. I walked out two miles
oday from the town. I plunged into the sea; I swam, I dived, I splashed,
ioida. I swallowed more salt water than agreed with me. What cared I?
1 .\M ardent! I am young I am impressionable! I am Italian ; The same ocean contained us both! the same breeze fanned us! the
The burning sunbeams of my native south have tinged my heart with same waves fiothed round us i I was happy!
poesy and passion! I am an artist! My name is VINCENTIO. Wle Tllesday.-Oh! wretched day! Oh! miserable hour! She
I love to write down the flaming thoughts that fire my brain! 'Tis passed me on the pier I bowed to her. She took no notice. A
as one would mark the track of molten lava from the consuming tall soldier of the fog-coloured militia of this murky clime was by her
crater of the vast Vesuvius. Alh! how happy the simile between side. I could have seized him and hurled him into the sea! I
Vesuvius and VicExrro Both smouldering, dusty, ciiderous, pow- restrained myself, and did not do it.
derous, and within-a devouring volcano I do not mean appetite, 'hriisda!l.--iorno felice i I have seen her again. She hasmarked
intellect. I am all intellect! I learned the barbarous lamgnage of my homage. She smiled as our eyes met. iHa! ha! I see, Mon-
these haughty islanders at the Hotel de la Sablonire where I was- sicor lc Militaire. She is deceiving you for me Take care!
where I pursued my studies. 'Tu!esday.-T- have sent her letters, many letters, but have received
I am an artist. I am poor. The mingled souls of Michael Angelo no answer. I watch her in her balcony; she and the straw-hatted
and Titian throb in my fingers, and look through my orbs. I love man, who was a neutral-tinted soldier. They are laughing. Can they
beauty,-in the abstract, the ideal! Albion's daughters are the fairest be speaking of VINCENTIO ? No! Impossible See, the straw hat
of the world. My coat is old, my boots are older; my stockings peep retires! Good Perdition! She retires too! Maledizzione! My
from themllike snow-drop petals bursting through the mould. Myland- heart is void, and I am hungry. 'Tis night, the stars are in the
lady is cruel; she asks her rent. I tell her I am an artist, and my soul heavens and the policemen on their beat. I will walk round the
yearns for the ideal. She lias no poetry of feeling. I hate her! I house, tlte casket that enshrines my jewel! What is that appears at
hate Englanud! 1 liat the world! I mock the ocean! I spit at tlie te0 back door ? It is a female hand! It waves a billet. 'Tis an
rising sun! assignation! All! would I were better dressed! I arrive at tle
Tiesdny.-I hlave seen her! I have seen her! I love, and I am nCarst lamp-post, I swarm it, kiss the illet-donx, and read:
happy! Slhe is blonde, shle is patrician! IIer eyes are blue, her i
skin is of the sea-slell. ITer robe is of muslin. Her smile is rainbow- Be at the back-door to-night at twelve.-EMlrLY."
gloried. Her boots are Balnoral. In the divine words of the great Rapture! Transport! Joy! Delirium! Ecstacy! She is mine!
English poet :- She is mine! The beautiful blondo patricienne is mine !
Sie is lovely, she is beantiftl,-the lfirest one I know !" Morei I cannot at this moment. The recollection of that night for a
Sun, I kiss you Ocean, I embrace you! Moon, come to my arms! time unnerves me. Do not wait for me; go to press, and be happy. I
I met her for the first timo to-day on the sands! on the sands! will tell you the rest when I am calmer.
on the sands! on the sanis! Insensibly I burst forth into the -
divine melody made world-sounding by the accomplished artists of Probably hie gifted foreigner means a Rifle Volunteer.
I ri dt r. !'rilir ;,andl ]L'lbli-hed lor l Ph roprili 1, I I 11iliL.L W1S YTI:, a; li, (i]s sn lii,,, Sri'it, I '.C. S ;iinly, -p],lri t,il.t 1S01.
=7-
12
I
SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.]
FT-T.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated wivli Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE SECOND.
IT was not to be expected that such a tempting place as Greece was
cbe "let alone;" the inviting courts of Peloponnesus attracted many
strangers, especially Phoenicians, who looked upon it as a sort of
Rosherville-" a place to spend a happy day;" but who unfortunately
contrived to miss the boat, and stop altogether. DANAUS, with his fifty
daughters, not having a Times newspaper wherein to pour the com-
plaints of his paternal bosom under the sympathy awakening titleof "An
Egyptian Father," and being turned out of his country, was naturally
not only anxious to settle his little family, but also to settle himself.
After looking about for a convenient spot whereon to fix his home, he
came to the conclusion that Greece was an excellent site for a father, and
settled his own and his half a hundred pretty daughters upon the plain
of Argos. The male portion of the inhabitants naturally received them
with open arms. DANAUS gave his name to the warlike Danai, and the
young ladies (the eldest of whom, by the way, can't have been a chicken)
put the native females up to the mysteries of Demeter, and may thus be
said to have first ventilated the vexata qucestio of woman's rites. Be
it understood that the mysteries of De-meter have nothing to do with
secrets of gas. The first Egyptian colony in Attica is said to have
been led by CeCROi's, who is supposed by some to have introduced the
ceremony of marriage ; but both tleso assertions have been frequently
described as fictions, and, as the account of PETlES'S foundation of
another colony has been proved to have sprung from an Attic Ifblo, it
can only be credited by fanatics, and must be looked upon as a third
story. But all these stories must have had some foundation, and as
the inhabitants became for the first time elevated and educated by the
incursions of strangers, we may rest assured that Greece derived much
of its improved taste from foreign sources. The Greeks have always
exhibited so great a tendency to lying, that it is absurd to look upon
them as an upright race, and were so much in the labit of following
their own bent, that they cannot certainly be considered a straight-
forward people. We are consequently oblted to receive all their
early traditions cuin grano salis, or rather, not obliged to receive
them at all, and we shall content ourselves and our readers by taking
a flying leap through the early burly of Grecian history, and by
describing those better authenticated and more widely-known events
of a more advanced period. In order to devote ourselves thoroughly
to this task, we have taken a two-pair back in Greek-street; we eat
of no vegetables but Greek roots, go to no theatre but the Grecian,"
devoting our days exclusively to a-Greek-ciltural pursuits.
_ _
-- _
-- \
AllLVAL OF THE WIVES' BOAT AT GREECE. DANAUS DELIVEI1S IlS FIFTY-ONE TICKETS.
EAR! EAR! long enough) as poor little EMMA ALLEN lins been, we mnakc no doubt
that their highly respectable parents would have considered the inflic-
THAT particularly wooden bench, the bench of magistrates at tion of any punishment severer than a mild reprimand to be a gross
Hemel Hempstead, must feel itself exceedingly cut up,-in fact, little piece of presumption and impertinence. As the prisoner in thiH
better than a collection of sticks,-at the manner in which its mag- instance, however, was i c te, tlo magistrates sentenced
unanimous behaviour in the matter of EMirMA ALLEN has been criticized is t e prisonment, and only a br two or the mars.
nan nn emf her to imprisonment, and only for two or three ears.
and condemned. Its conduct has raised a great amount of indignation, __ ______
and brought down an enormous number of stamps. The fine has
been paid out; would we could add that its stony-hearted inflictors A BRL:TE.-Our cynical friend SNOCDMlAss, whose antipathy to
had been similarly treated. Very few among that Solonic set but learned ladies is only to be equalled by his admiration for ignorant,
have in early days delighted in the stolen sweets of the purloined ones, declares that the preference which strong-minded women show
pear or the abstracted apple ; and as for ears of corn, had they, in for blue stockings arises entirely from the fhct of their requiring less
their infantine wanderings, been caught by the ears (they must be washing than white ones.
VOL. I.
__
SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.]
FU N.
Their bursting boots and shocking tiles,
Their lack of ready browns,
Prove fortune can't be always smiles,
But that she sometimes frowns.
Our poor young friends each day repeat,
They really must retrench,
GREEN'S hard and fast in Whitecross Street,
And JONEs is in the Bench.
But what's the oddest perhaps of all,
(And here we're all the same),
Poor Kettledrum "a brute" they call,
Themselves they never blame.
And now a moral having drawn,
Apply it as you may,
I'm off to see The Colleen Bawn,
And wish you a good day.
EXTRACT FROM A DIARY FOUND NEAR PRISON.
Tuesday.
IND what you're a doing up there
None o' your larks! You ain't a or-
ficer!"
'Tis the voice of the policeman that
calls me back to earth.
"Unknown and humble friend!
S Trusty guardian of the night!" I
say, "I am the God of Love en-
'i throned on golden clouds!"
"No you ain't! You're on the
lamp-post. I know you. Come
down!"
I e I read a letter. See! Behold!"
I explain.
But you mustn't read letters on
Slamp-posts! It's agin the law."
It is the custom of my country."
Oh!" says the official, "if it is the custom of your country, I don't
mind this once; but don't do it again."
And the echo of his boots died away in the far heavens.
Midnight has struck. The stars are still on high; the surf lashes
the shore; the winds roam over the expanse of ocean. I am at the
back-door. A bolt is drawn. I enter. I grasp a hand, and sink
upon my knees.
"EMILY!"
Hush!" is the reply. Master's a light sleeper."
It is the servant-the confidante. I follow her. We go through a
kitchen, cross a paved court, and stand under a shed close to the
stables; the doors behind us have been left open.
But, EMILY," I say, "where-"
I am interrupted by a voice, the same that summoned me upon-the
lamp-post, which cries, "Anybody hup ? Do you know as this door is
open ?"
The girl whispers, "It is master!"
"No," I say, "'tis the policeman."
She trembles at my words. Such power has the sound of my voice
over the female heart.
"No," she repeats, "it's master. I hear him coming down the
stairs. Get in here."
She points to a water-butt close by the shed.
"Never!" I reply.
Is anybody hup ?" says the policeman's voice again.
"Miss will come to you!" whispers the frightened maid. "The
water-butt is empty."
I shall catch cold."
"Not in an empty butt. If master catches you, he will give you in
charge for a thief."
I jump into the butt that instant!
It is not empty; it is half full of water, cold water, of the iciest
temperature. At the same moment the lid of the butt is closed, and
I heard the hasp fastened over me.
The voice of the policeman exclaims, "It is a burglar. I've got
him safe. Oh! MARY HANN; dressed at this time o' night! MARY
HANN, is it a burglar or is it a follerer ?"
"Ho! HEN-E-RY !"
It is a young man, then, and I'll take him to the station on charge
of being found in a dwelling 'us under suspicious circumstances."
How I trembled in the inside of the water-butt! not from fear, but
cold. The frigid element reached to my waist.
HEN-E-RY, if you look into that water-butt, I'll never speak to you
again !"
Go to Bath !" said the brutal spy.
Io I! I':N-E-RY, how can you use such words to me ? Conio lohre,
into this corner, and I'll tell you all; then we can go into the pantry
whero the joint is."
I heard a sound of smothered laughter and departing footsteps;
then all was silent.
My situation was horrible, excruciating, maddening. I ought to
have been in EMILY'S boudoir. 1 was in the water-butt, closed down.
I strove to raise the lid-impossible I rested my back against the
sides, and tried to lift my legs up. The sides were slimy, and I wont
in over head and ears. I rose, like an angry river-god, and knocked
my head against the lid, which knocked me down again. I kept this
up, or rather I kept this up and down, for several minutes; it restored
the circulation. In one of my plunges my fingers found a holo in the
side-doubtless the hole in which was placed the tap. An inspiration
seized me! I ducked again, but could not find it! Again! again
again! At last, I turned the tap on from the inside! The water
flowed out slowly, and finally left me dry-that is, comparatively
dry. Overcome by my novel aquatic experiments, I sank to sloop.
The noise of voices hummed outside my amphibious dungeon.
The lid was raised,-the light of day poured on me. A crowd of
servants, the policeman, and the accursed man in the straw hat stood
round shrieking with idiot laughter!
I was the victim of a plot!
I looked up, and detected the blond head of EMILY behind a
window-curtain.
"Hope you won't take cold," said the man in the straw hat.
"Learn for future-not trouble ladies-ridiculous letters-sorry JANR
put you into full butt-her own bit of mischief. T directed her to
show you into dry one. Cab at door-tako you home-and sovereign
-buy brandy with!"
I shrieked with rage. From that moment I swore revenge against
perfidious Albion,-its daughters, mothers, wives, and sisters
Revenge! Revenge!
Monday.-Huzza! I am rich! I have coats! T have boots! I
have jewels! I have shirts! Eureka! T have found them. The
high-souled artist no longer is despised. Ho is loved. No longer is
he hungry,-he feeds! I have lobsters! I have wine! Cigars and
seltzer-water!
Miss JEMIMA GRIM.JAW is not young,--lho is not handsome. Her
teeth are terro-metallic ; she wears a front-a velvet braid and pearl
locket bind it to her brow; what matter ? She yearns to the artist.
She provides him money; but truth is imperative,-shle is mean !
I have had 600 of her. I wanted more. She gave it,-but said
that it distressed her. I must have more-must. I will. It is
written,-the flat has gone forth.
Tuesday.-Sho refuses I will crush her! The pig The beast!
The dolt! The idiot! The she-brigand I have her letters. Let
her beware The high-souled artist will not be buafled. I will have
5,C00 or publish. Ha! ha! JEMIMA I will tear off thy false front,
and show thee as thou art!
Wednesdayj.-I have seen her! The interview was stormy. I
struck her! She provoked me. Her nose was red with tears.
Bah! I hated her! I have the money! Now, land of fogs and
filthy beer, I fly thee, and for ever! I triumph and-
*
Friday.-Rage, desolation, and despair! I am arrested! I am
condemned I cast this protest from the window ofmycell. Obtain-
ing money on false pretences." Hateful English! I defy you, and
will be revenged! They will cut off my hair-my moustache! Olh,
agony! I can no more! VINCENTIO.
QUITE A DIFFERENT AFFAIR!
ON Sunday last the EMPEROIt NAPOLEON was present at a bull-
fight at Biarritz. PRINCE NAPOLEON was very nearly present at
Bull's Run in America. We couple these facts because they are so
entirely unconnected. Bull's Run is of no kin whatever to anything
in the shape of a fight!
Bull-running in England was put a stop to at Stamford, in Lincoln-
shire, about twenty years ago. It has re-appeared recently across
the Atlantic. Here again ends all similarity. In Stamford, Bull-
running was attended with considerable danger; in America, the
desire to spare pain and save the effusion of blood is a movement,-
a very extensive movement,-in the right (about face) direction.
MusicAL MEM.-A new song is just published entitled "The Sea-
King." We understand a companion ditty is in preparation, to be
entitled The Finding."
15
F U 1N.
THE LAY OF THE LEGER.
S,- H JONES," says GREEN,
To-day, I ween,
%'-. ': Of all days in the year,
On which is run
The race at Doncastere."
Says GREEN to JoNES,
"The fact I owns;
And added, with a grin,
~ I on that race
0 Last week did place
o tA small amount of tin."
S ~ Says JONES to GREEN,
"I, too, have been
Induced to lay some cash;
A trifling sum,
On Kettledrum,
It can't be very rash,
Because the prophets all declare
No claims a button's toss
Particular fine 'oss."
From these small scraps of conversation
'Twixt JONES and GREEN,
It will be seen,
That neither had the least foundation,
For pride concerning education;
Being, in short,
The kind of sort
Of coarse young man who says he's pretty 'arty,
Prefers a game at skittles to 6cart6,
And calls Miss AmY SEDGWICE a "fine party."
Touching the prophets; by the way,
The profits were not touched that day
In quite the manner which they should have been;
If Kettledrum had won, they would have been.
Serene sat folks, their thumbs they coolly twiddled,
When, horror as CHARLES MATTHEWS says, "he diddl'd."
The prophets,-yes, their unanimity
Amounted almost to sublimity;
And people slept
Secure, and kept
Themselves till late tucked in their dimity,
Until the sun, which hadn't shone for days,
Burst through the blinds, and rose them with its rays ;
And JONEs had gone to his pal GREEN'S snug rooms,
Reeking most awfully of back fumes ;
And after falling over his friend's boots,
And calling him the laziest of brutes,
GREEN woke; the conversation which we gave
At first, then followed, and GREEN 'gan to shave.
The "trifling sums they'd both laid out,
Np doubt,
Were much more than they could afford.
No lord
Could revel in more spicy shirts than JONES:
GREEN had one little weakness,-devilled bones;
Which sounds a cheapish luxury, no doubt,
About
Two in the morning, though they're apt to make
A person very much inclined to slake
His thirst, rum, brandy, whisky, punch or gin with;
Or with the morning's milk,-which he goes in with.
Each of these friends
You see, then, spends
Much more than he is warranted in doing;
And as GREEN'S rather grimy old landlady,
Whose English is on most occasions shady,
Observes, "Them two is going to their ruing !"
Fly, gallant 'oss,
To-wards King's Cross,
The station is in view;
Fetch him some knocks
Upon the 'ocks,
Gee-up, gee-up, jo-hu.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.
At last we're there,
Ho take thy fare,
Which 'tis but eighteen-pence;
A florin, see,
To prove that we
Are regular born gents.
Two tickets here,
To Doncastere,
First-class, return: here, porter,
A coup ? Haven't got one. Aint you,
Really? then, you oughter.
And JONES and GREEN
Were squeezed between,
Two betting-men, who smoked and snuffed and swore,
And spat about a good deal on the floor,
And with huge feet, by no means light as feathers,
Scraped all the polish off GREEN's patent leathers;
Then hitting JONES a blow, a rather hard 'un,
On his new hat, politely begged his pardon;
Which JONES acknowledged, with a feeble grin,
While GREEN shed tears and rubbed his wretched shin.
No matter, thought the pair,
These things will all come square,
When Kettledrum
Shall winner come,
First part the judge's chair.
"We'll drown in champagne all these petty annoyances,
Finish at PADDY's,"
Terribly sad is
It now to reflect all this rattle and buoyancy's
So short lived,-the wine-cup, which promiseth sweet,
Is doomed to be dashed with the gall of defeat.
Who shall describe the splendid race,
The thumping "thuds," the slashing pace,
The whirring rush, the panting throng,
All eager for the "denoumnong;"
Patrician faces flushed with hope,
Plebeian ones with yellow soap,
Young ladies tinged with colour hectic,
Old boys becoming apoplectic,
Each calm detective, like a sentry,
Alert for the "light-fingered gentry,"
The eager shouts, the waving hats,
The grand excitement of the flats,
The bets of gloves made by the belles,
The mild emotion of the swells,
Who shall describe the medley lot,
Somebody may, but we can-NOT.
Without his host has everybody reckon'd
For Kettledrum is beaten,-come in second.
There was weeping and wailing,
And much bitter ale-ing,
By GREEN, who was seen hanging on to a railing,
Some miles from his home, in the dead of the night,
Calmly telling the moon he was really all right;
While poor JONES wept aloud, and declared that a blight
Had hung over his race since the days of his youth,
When he'd slipped on the ice and knocked out a front tooth.
To end my tale,
Of what avail
Can any prophet be,
What is their use,
None but a goose,
Like JONES and GREEN (-and mne;
Yes, I admit I lost a pound,
The fact I do confess;
That's perhaps why my remarks are found
Just tinged with bitterness).
Who'd ever think of risking gold,
Upon the word of one
Who's just as likely to be sold,
Dead taken in, and done,
And fall a victim to a monstrous diddle,
As any anti-sporting indiwiddle.
But, most of all, ne'er hope to pay
Your debts by making books;
Whatever betting men may say,
Their sometimes seedy looks,
16 F Tj.
[SI:rPTEMBE 28, 1861.
VV P & TRME PC
L`IY __ _
'ee
"I I
Iu '2
7F flITM
THE PRrETTY HrOUSEBIEfA-KEEI!
CRITICISMS AS PER ADVERTISEMENT..
WE are happy to inform our readers that we have entered into an
agreement with two eminent reviewers, who have kindly consented, in
consideration of the payment of a weekly sum, to criticize the current
literature of the day. The gentlemen in question are singularly well
qualified for the task, one of them never having written a line of
original composition in his life, and the other having been the author
of about four failures per annum for the last thirty years. We sub-
join a short specimen of their abilities. (Publishers who intend using
our columns for the purpose of advertisement, are respectfully
requested to make known their intention at once, as in that case the
works reviewed would be more favourably noticed than if but of
course publishers understand all about that.)
Great Expectations. BY CHARLES DICKENS.
We have perused this work with feelings of intense disgust. Groat
were our expectations, and greatly have they been disappointed.
The book is one vast blunder from beginning to end. The Great
Expectations" both of the hero Pi' and of the heroine ESTELLA-the
former of fortune, and the latter of a rich marriage and a wreaking of
revenge upon mankind-bear no fruit. The character of JOE GARGERY,
the blacksmith, is heavy and uninteresting, and M3. WE[TMICK, the
Old Bailey lawyer, is the most unamusing personage we ever met.
The author has taken great trouble to reproduce all the faults of
his previous obscure works. Great Expectations is as prosy as
Pic ick, as puerile as Olirer Twist, as dreary as Martin ChuzzleCwit,
and as tedious as Davrid Copperfield.
The great element of success which MR. DICKENS lacks is humour.
IlIe is destitute of the slightest perception of character, nor will he
ever learn how to concoct a plot skilfully. His dramatic persona are
unnatural, and his dialogue as bold as his descriptions; but these
faults are trivial. Our great objection to his writings is their immoral
tendency. We should stroblgly advise this gentleman to seek some
other career than the one on which he has embarked, and in which-
we speak it advisedly-he never can succeed.
New Song : The Great Sensation.
This is one of the best lyrical productions of the day. At a time
when our desk groans beneath the weight of the metrical twaddle
nbw published as poetry, it is indeed a relief to find that there still
exists a genius that can create, express, and embellish.
The writer-we are ignorant of his name-does not seek to startle
by paradox, or to puzzle by sophism. His meaning is as clear and
as translucent as his verse is flowing. We give some extracts :-
The world is but a shifting stage,
Men and women players; "
So the gentle Shakspeare says,
And the sturdy Sayers.
The two first lines
The world is ibt a shifting stage,
Men and women players,
are fraught with reflection. The allusion to our great master-poet is
most graceful, and shows our author to be well read.
So ri.: -. title Shakspcare says,
Ai..li stnrdy Sayers,
are nervous lines, and prove the greatness of those truths compre-
hended at the same time by the highest of intellects and the best of
boxers.
Moving scenes our actions show,
In this there is no crammer;
Every stage produces now
The new sensation drama.
Chorus :-Roend about us everywhere,
No matter what our station,
Everybody's on the move
To make a great sensation.
This is truth told in melody,-a thought that might have occurred to
the melancholy Jacques, as he wandered, meditative, in the forest of
Ardennes. We shall look forward with extreme anxiety to further
productions from this gifted writer. Let him still continue in this
plain and simple strain, eschewing the morbid and the mystic, and
we predict for him a position in the world of letters only second in
importance to those of the mightiest geniuses.
FUX IN.
NISHMENT OF THE EVIL GENIUS PAER-DUTY BY THE GOOD FAIRY ROG
I BANISHMENT OF THE EVIL GENIUS PAPER-DUTy BY THE GOOD FAIRY I1ROGII,,S'S.
~- -~ --
SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.]
FTJ _N.
EXAMPLE OF FEMlVLE HEROISM.-No. 2.
ALMIRA ACKNOWLEDGES THE FRIISEYS IWHEN WALKING WITH THE FITZFURIOSOS.
PAN AT THE PLAY.
~ E S; it is very extraordinary, but
i I there seems to be a plot against
PAN. Here he is, overflowing
SI with critical acumen, with ana-
lytical appreciation, and with
literally nothing to exercise his
talents upon. The Adelphi, it is
true,,has opened its portals, but
l / what can one say about The
Colleen Bacin that has riot been
,;,., said a thousand times ? With
J','2- -:''-'3 the exception that one should
i I mention the fact of the substitu-
tion of M R. EMERY for M1R. FAL-
fL "'T CONER as Danny Mann, and
[, -MRa. HENRY MARSTON for MRS.
S CIIATTERLY (this latter a great
;. improvement, by the way), what
*1 Wi-,, '.f-A- ,a isthereto narrate? TheOlympic
promises us new pieces and new
people. Miss FLORENCE HAYDON is a very pretty young lady from
the Haymarket, and Mu. J. W. RAY is a genuine actor, who should
never have been permitted to stray from the west; Mu. NEVILLE is
an invaluable actor of young gentlemen. Considering the oft-talked-
of decline of the drama, we are not so very badly off for comedians,
either. The Strand Theatre just now appears to be somewhat of an
anomaly, for, notwithstanding it being one of the most prosperous
houses in London, it is nevertheless entirely done up." The entrance
has been completely remodelled, and is now lined with looking-glass,
so that those who wait patiently for the opening of the doors are cal-
culated to enjoy most pleasant reflections. The old arrangement of
lamps outside has been done away with, and the appearance of the
vestibule has been much improved. A farce by MRi. TROUGHITON, a
burlesque by MR. BYRON, and a comedietta by MR. STIRLING COYNE,
are in rehearsal. The Princess's opens to-night with a comedy of Mit.
BROUGHAM'S entitled Planing with Fire. MR. BRoruGA31 is a native
of Hibernia, a clever writer, and a capital actor, so that the manager
is not at all likely to burn his fingers in the venture. Mi. FECUlTER is
making experiments in thei matter of colour for the countenance of the
jealous Moor who is to astonish tie world some time in October. What
the ladies will say of handsome FECrTENR when he comes out plain
BiowN we do not venture to predict; but as li is a Fronclinan,-at
least in appearance, speech, and gosturo,-wo may safely anticipatro a
great success for him; and as ladies used to say it was so piquante to
hear MADAME CELESTE pronounce mother" muddare, thoy will no
doubt look over any similar inaccuracies in and on the part of the
Porte St. Martin Othello.
FIIE i -IZREB I FII=E !
SEVERAL Of the morning papers, in their account of the great fire at
Messrs. TAYLOR and G REENING'S printing-oflico on Saturday the 14th,
referred to the total destruction of the stereotype blocks, wood-cuts,
etc., of a new periodical. FUN was that periodical. We commenced
our career in the most unpleasant blaze of triumph ;" the way in
which our jokes were caught up by the flames, and the manner in
which our wit was heard crackling and soon to sparkle, would have
melted the heart of a misanthrope. FUN certainly proved the
equanimity of its temper, for it resolutely refused to be "put out,"
although its "forms" and its feelings were much "played upon;"
indeed, it is a question if so much cold water was ever yet thrown
upon a new venture. Certainly, never before were so many pumps "
employed upon one paper. But FUN has too much genuine spirit to
be quenched by any quantity of water, and although all its letter-press
and engravings were injured, we had another good look "over proof,"
and had the spirit of the cartoons "re-drawn from the wood." As far
as the engravings are concerned the result has been unsatisfactory,
but a generous British public will appreciate our position, and not be
too critical on our first week's cuts. In future, all shall be unexcep-
tionable, for though our humour has received a terrible damper," it
is now as "dry" as ever.
SHOCKINGLY RUDE RIDDLE.-Why is one stall of a two-stall stable
like a pretty girl ?-Because it is very seldom let alone.
--
THINGS NOT GENERALLY
KNOWN.
BY JolxH SiuMs.
THAT American volunteers are
the bravest troops in the world.
That while publishers are con-
tinually in the Ga.ztte, authors
retire upon largo fortunes.
That all that glitters is not brass.
That TENNYSON is partial to
Irish stow.
That the navy of the French is
the most powerful in Europe, and
that their now method of ship-
building renders the services of
soamen useless and iiunocossary.
That if any man struck at MR.
BRIGIIT, that gentleman would reply
properly with his loft.
That the constant mastication of
sardines is an infallible cure for an
over-accumulation or bile.
That all the milkmen, milkwonoii,
and swoops of London are persons
of large property,-a fact entirely
attributable to their early habits.
That the majority of costor-
mongers hold high Tory principles.
That persons of rank utter no
words but "What a bore!" "Paw-
sit-ively "Y-a-a-s Pol my
honour !" "Indubitably! and "In-
disputably!"
That the new Comic Weekly
Paper published at 80, Fleet Street,
with all its laughable literature and
humourous engravings, is really and
truly purchaseablo for the absurdly
small sun of One Penny.
---
20 F U N. SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.
A DOMESTIC CALAMITY.
Lady of the hlouse:-" REALLY, JEMIMA, THIS IS TOO BAD. ANOTHER VASE
BROKEN."
Jc im a:-" WELL 'M, REALLY I CAN'T HELP IT; THEM CRINOLINES WON'T
GO OUT OF FASHION."
STAR-TELLING ADVERTISEMENTS.
THOSE who have read us through two or three times, and still want further
fun, cannot do better than read the advertisement columns devoted to domestic
servants in the Morning Star newspaper. Here they will find a terseness of
style (superfluous words meaning so much more to pay) which it would be well
for the reading public if all classes of writers were to emulate. Here are no ses-
quipedalians, no Carlyleisms, no word-painting; all is short, curt, and to the point,
the use of the full stop being very liberal. Most people, on receiving their
morning papers, allow their coffee to cool while they devour the thrilling murders,
the devastating fires, and the disastrous railway accidents which appear to have
happened all at once for the especial benefit of the fifty new papers that have
suddenly sprung up. We pass by these exciting details and calmly settle upon
our favourite column, well knowing that we shall find a fitting accompaniment
to the social cup which,as has been before remarked, doth cheer but not inebriate.
And are we disappointed ? Never ? Here, this morning, for instance:-
Wanted, a strong Lad; one used to an oven preferred.
He must be a very strong lad, indeed, we should imagine. A little further down
the column we see the following:-
As Infant Nurse in a family. Aged 40.
An infant nurse aged forty appears to us to be a human paradox worthy of
being classed with the spotted female and the pig-faced lady. Skipping the
next two or three advertisements, we come to one in which the advertiser
" wishes for an agency for black kids." How any one can publicly announce
such a barbarous and unmanly desire in these days and in a free country we
are at a loss to divine. The next astonishing announcement is this:-
Cleaning wanted by a respectable woman.
My good woman, the St. Martin's baths are only twopence.
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adopted (for the first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 2.-THE BALLAD OF SAMUEL HALL.
(The common version of this quaint and touching ballad repre-
sents how a chimney-sweep, in the bitterness of his soul,
inveighs against the false master who, by instructing him in
unprofessional practices, led him to an ignominious end. Young
gentlemen of.mimetic powers may produce an effect by singing
the present modified version over the back of a chair, in an old
gibus, and with the accompaniment of a cutty pipe, a blackened
visage, and cousin KATE at the piano.)
MY name is SAMUEL HALL,
Ramoneur;
Oh, my name is SAMUEL HALL,
Figure fit for HOWARD PAUL,
Or the Polygraphic 'all,
King William Street.
I stole my master's sut,
In the night;
I stole my master's sut,
Attempted for to cut,
Almost succeeded, but-
Didn't quite.
He caught me on the stairs,
With the swag;
He caught me on the stairs,
He took me unawares,
His family plate he tears
From the bag.
Says he, "A spoon! Beg pardon,
SAMMY, fie!"
Says he, "A spoon! Beg pardon."
His heart you see's a hard'un,
And before SIR RICHARD CARDEN,
Dragged am I.
In vain, I say, I walk
In my sleep,
In vain, I say, I walk,
For they've also found a fork,
And CARDEN says, Don't talk,
Chimbley-sweep!"
I soon shall change my soot,
Black as care,
I soon shall change my soot,
For one of gray; a brute
Will cut down to the root
Hall my 'air.
JBut although they'll clip my 'ead,
Still I brags,
That although they'll clip my 'ead,
I shall be much better fed,
And shall wear warm togs instead
Of black rags.
And, hang it! if I see,
SAM'L HALL,
Yes, hang it! if I see
What's the good of honestee
To such wretched coves as me,
Harter all.
SUNG BY NEWSPAPER PROPRIETORS TO THE
GUY FAUX" BOYS' CHANT.
YoU'LL please to remember
This month of September,
Newspaper treason and plot;
When ever so many
Came down to a penny;
'Twill never be forgot.
Buy, folks, buy;
Only a penn-y,
Hurray!
SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.] U 1J I .21
have changed all tlit." Of course, our injured triiend did not seek
S' '. ', one of these places ; he went to an hotel, one which was adv\rtiserld ia
J, '. "conducted in accordance with the spirit of the times." If it, had
S'"I' 1 said in accordance with the spirit and water of the times, it would
'ave been nearer the mark, and the O. F. E. G. would not, have boen
.I driven by the fiery fines of the sherry and the cool airs of tlio waiter,
",. l' to seek another establishment which was described in tih newspapers
.I i as carried oi upon liberal principles."
SOur ilO friend, upon leaving (which lie did rather speedily, for lie said
the sheets were too fine for him), declared that the liberality was
S".iB 1; evidently intended to emanate from the customer, and that: the
advertisement, though ambiguous, was, to a certain extent, truthlfil.
-li It would be wearisome to onumerato the many hotels which our
friiend put up at, but not with ; suffico it to say, that he grumbled al
all of them. They were too grand, too easy-chairy, too plate-glassy,
too chandeliery; the waiters were obtrusively attentive, insultingly
neat and clean in appearance; the smops were too thick, the wiin.e
-- -etoo thin; the piano jingling over head kept him awake at night, ndl
the market arts woko him out of his first sleep ; and, in short, after
S" doing (as you snobs of the present day say) hotels of all sorts and
Sizes, lie was forced, with his journey's uncomfortable ending, to ciino
S-" _to the equally unpleasant conclusion that, besides the dearth ofauthirs,
--- painters, and actors, there are no hotels now-a-days, sir."
Now, although we may be dying out (I say "we," because 1 am
NOT A BAD IDEA. proud to say that I am an old-fashioned goutleman too), we have yet
some vitality,-" there is lifo in the old dogs yet;" and though we are,
Wilkins (raLther elevated) to extremely quiet indiridtal :-" I shay, as a rule, averse to speculation, preferring thi security of the Throo
ole fellar, let'sh you an' I go upstairs an' pretend we're drunk, just per Cents. to shares in Patent Paper Collar Companies, or dabbling in
to frighten sh' gals." the Llylbachllwyll Lead Mines in South Walos,-not being quite so
idiotic, in fact, as to think of placing onr money out on the leads,-wo
have banded together for the purpose of establishing throughout the
PROSPECTUS OF THE NATIONAL OLD-FASHIONED country several inns, not hotels, to be conducted not on "liberal
UNCOMFORTABLE HOTEL COMPANY. principles," tot in accordance with the spirit of the times;"
where the attendance is not "to be charged in the bill," wlhero
IT is an incontrovertible law in nature that feverish excitement must the imperial measure will not be used, and where, under no circum-
ever be followed by a corresponding depression and languor; and stance whatever, will there be a "porter up all night." We intend
that things have a peculiar habit of righting themselves if left to taking all the old coach inns in the country, and by a retrograde
themselves, is a fact which, even in these topsy-turvy days of icono- movement, as regards furnishing, hope to revive in the breasts of those
clasm, when we find the idols of our forefathers broken into paving who remember what they once wore, tio pleasant feelings of bygone
stones for the patent leathered loungers of the period to parade upon; travelling days. The bed-rooms are to be papered with dark and un-
even in these days, when powder is transferred from the flowing locks inviting papers, for anything that induces a man to stay in his bod-
of the gentlemen to the flaunting faces of what some weak-minded chamber is inimical to health, wealth, and wisdom; the beds will be
creatures are amiable enough to denominate the softer sex,-in these wooden in every case, the hangings will be heavy and dark, and nob
days, when you insure your life prior to starting on a day's pleasure, calculated to throw any foreign objects into unpleasant relief. Gas
and feel disappointed than otherwise at no accident occurring (though will be permitted nowhere on the establishment, and no chambermaids
these disappointments are becominglessfrequent),-in-in-in short,in will be hired under forty-six. Cheap wines will be intordicted; a
these days-no one can possess sufficient hardihood to deny. A very large supply of old port will be laid down, a bottle of which, for the
dangerous class of people exist who, aping the title of social reformers, good of the house," must be ordered by every traveller. Gontlemon
are rapidly becoming a nuisance. This is the age of reforming, wearing patent leathers must nevertheless pay a fee to the "boots,"
remodelling, resetting, re-arranging; an age of turning inside out, and wax candles will in every case be charged for, even if the travollor
of cleaning up and of dusting out, and of putting things where should think fit to retire to bed in broad daylight. No one must
they were never intended to be, and of introducing now-fangled expect a dinner, even of tli simplest description, to be prepared under
fashions, and, in fact, of general discomfort to those glorious remnants a couple of hours, and the landlord is to be invariably invited to par-
of a byegone age, those rapidly decaying, but still, Port be praised, take of the wine and dessert. Subjoined is a list of the
occasionally existing specimens of humanity-the Old-Fashioned Directors.
English Gentleman. To say that an Englishman's house is his castle Sti JoNATtAN OLDBUCiK, K.C.B., Somnus Park, Beds.
is as absurd as to declare that a snail's house is his castle in these Lotn LAZYBONrs, Bddford Square.
days. Fashion, that flimsy fairy, who I verily believe is able to get in A. STUIx(GE, Esq., Tyowig Hall, Notts.
through keyholes and down chimneys and under doors, fashion has 13r; GONNE, Esq., Oldham.
invaded the old English gentleman's home, re-arranged his jolly O, E d
old furniture, remodelled his steady-going old household, played AsditWts.-CtiAhK STONE, Esq. ; DUNNE FeOE, Esq.
old gooseberry with his plate and pictures, altered the times of, Secret-ry.- Ml. FOGEY.
his meals, rushed into the sanctity of his dressing-room, and snipped B anl'ers.--Cmini and Co.
off the pigtail of which he was so proud, and put him into pegtops of
which he is ashamed. Fashion has brought on him dyspepsia, and
frightened him away from the bottle to the soda-water machine on NURSERY RHYMES FOR YOUNG ENGLAND.
the buffet,-in fact, fashion has attacked the poor fellow in his home, 1.
in his vital part, in his tenderest point, in the bosom of his family. He's a good boysey-poysey,
Driven by despair from his domestic circle, yearning for the society of A pity lie is so noisy ;
congenial souls, what was there for him but the tavern ? (I beg a But turbulent tongues
million pardons. Ladies, forgive me; gentlemen, look over it; these Show capital lungs,
new-fashioned steel pens run on so rapidly that one has written a So crow along, boysey-poysey
word before one knows it.) No, not the tavern. Taverns now-a-days I.
are only associated with flaring gas-lights, dazzling tinsel and delirium There was a boy of thriftiness who, being wondrous wise,
tremens, splendour and squalor, fire-water and filth. Taverns once Put money in the savings bank--a post-office he tries,-
upon a time were resorted to by very different people and were very And when he found his cash was gone, with all his might and main,
different sorts of places, and it wasn't considered derogatory to crack He went and wrote another form and took it out again.
a bottle there with a friend; but now-well, I hate everything French,
because I was brought up to do so; but there is some common-place
saying in that tongue which young SHAIPE, my nephew, is always VEii THIN-SKINNED.-Why does a certain eminent novelist dislike
quoting, that seems to hit the matter; in English it translates, "we Quakers?-Because lie objects to any one taking off his style.
FUNT T.
[SEPTEMBER 28, 1861.
Country Gentleman :-"Now, LAD, TE'YE DRUV ME ABOUT A
MILE. WHAT 'LL RE REFARE"
Cabby (as he ought to be) :-" THAT, SIR, WILL BE EXACTLY SIX-
PENCE."
AN ADVENTURE "IN THE STRAND."
(To be sung to the popular melody of Dixcy's Land.")
LAST Monday week I met a swell,
Just outside Thingummy's Hotel,
In the Strand, in the Strand;
He asked me if I knew the time,
And said, Pray tell me, sir, if I'm
In the Strand, in the Strand ?"
Says he, "I rather fancy
I know, I know
Your face, somewhere
We've met, I'll swear."
I didn't then his plan see.
Heigho! heigho!
'Twas worse than necromancy.
Says he, I am a stranger here,
Pray which is the best house for beer
In the Strand, in the Strand ?
Says I, "I really cannot say."
Says he, Let's try this one, I'll pay,
I shall stand, I shall stand."
I thought him very gracious,
Heigho! heigho!
I could'nt doubt
When he pulled out
A leather purse capacious.
But oh! heigho !
The whole thing was owdacious.
We had a glass, and then another,
He swore that I was like his brother,
Squeezed my hand, squeezed my hand;
Declared he could'nt let me go,
But led me off, he said, to show
Something grand, something grand.
So forth we both did sally,
Heigho! heigho !
Until a stay
We made at a
Confounded skittle alley.
Let's stop, one drop,"
Says he, "our nerves 'twill rally."
We just dropped in to see the sport,
I little fancied I was caught,
Quite trepanned, quite trepanned.
A very gentlemanly youth,
Who looked all innocence and truth,
(It was planned, it was planned),
Came up, and blandly showing
A row, a row
Of teethT, said, "Why
Not have a try?
Come, just one little go in,'
One throw." Heigho!
That youth was much too knowing.
They placed the skittles, nine in all,
I took the heavy wooden ball
In my hand, in my hand;
I'm not so very bad a shot,
And at ond swoop upset the lot,
Understand, understand.
'They all set up a shout then,
Bravo! Bravo!
I ordered" six
Of brandy,"-tricks
I never thought about then.
Heigho! heigho!
I wish that I'd gone out then.
I drank my brandy, it was strong;
A sediment, a something wrong,
Just like sand, just like sand,
Was in the glass; then, by-and-by,
I giddy grew and found that I
Couldn't stand, couldn't stand.
But still I went on playing,
When lo! I go
Down on the ground;-
When raised, its found
They've vanished without paying.
"They've gone," says John,
"But where, there haint no saying."
What's that? They've gone! Atrocious sell;
My watch, my money, gone as well;
Sharper band, sharper band;
My new coat torn, my shiny hat
As any pancake squeezed as flat,
In the land, in the land.
I talk to a policeman;
No go, no go,
Says he, These roiighs
Cleans out you muffs,
And take so much apiece, man;
Heigho! heigho!
Cheat, swindle, do, and fleece man."
I walked home very much dejected,
But as I went along reflected,
In the Strand, in the Strand :
I've read of o'er and o'er again,
These blackguard sldttle-sharping men,
All so bland, all so bland.
All flesh is grass" must mean, oh!
I know, I know,
That midst all shades
The sharpest blades
Are often the most green, oh!
Cab, ho cab, ho !
To Holborn,-the Casino!"
MJOST AGREEABLE.-Perhaps the pleasantest quarter of an hour
it is possible to spend is that during which you "mind the seats" of
four stout country gentlemen in the second row of a crowded pit, the
people round about making personal remarks, and the absentees
appearing never to be coming back.
london: Printed and Pulished fortee Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE at t Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, September 2, 1801
I
Ig~
9. i j
ABDICATED James (The), 260
Advent of Spring (The), 200
Adventure in the Strand (An), 22
Advertisement Extraordinary, 242
Advice Gratis, 180
Afric's Bard, 115
Alderman Humphrey (To), 230
Alive or Dead? 232
" All have their Entrees," 91
Almanack and Diary, 45, 59, 72, 92,
102, 112, 122, 124, 140, 152, 162, 169,
179, 184, 195, 204, 215, 224, 239, 215,
261
Alphabetical List of a Christmas
Festivity, 154
America and Edwin James, 12-4
Anacreontics for Invalids, 70, 80
Animal Life, 201 :
Aiiother Irish Victory, 159
Antiquarian Society, 150
Art Gossip, 231
Art Notes, 136
BALANCE of Power (The), 42
"Batti Batti," 181
Battle of Bahama Channel (The), 1456
Before and after Dinner, 146
" Bill Stickers, Beware !" 111
Billy don't, 140
Bitter Hale, 199
Blondin's Last (but Two), 86
Blondinism, 215
Bone of Contention (A), 192
Botcherby Correspondence (The), 221,
225, 234, 244, 254
Break! Break! Break! 100
Britishers Crumpled up, 85
Burglars, and those whom it may
concern (To), 175
Burke and Hare-istocratic, 130
But then, what can you expect of an
Irishman? 133
CABALISTIc, 2-19
Can Wrong be Right, 2-40
Caper Saws, 201
Case of Emma Alien (The), 29
Case of real Distress, 231
Chant of Counsel (A), 206
Christmas Carol (A), 154
Christmas Waits (The), 161
Cicero Politely Construed by a Fresh-
man, 111
Civil War, 115
Clemency of the Season, 174
Clerk of the Weather (The), 1-40
Come Astray, 149
"Come, Let us be Happy Together,"
262
Comic Encyclopaedia (The), 249, 261
Concerning my Boots, 2415
Confectioners' Composition, 26
Conundrum by the Rev. C. H. Spur-
geon, 70
Copyright, 3
Correspondents (To), 32
Country Theatricals, 120
Court of Comus, 56
Courtly, but Uncourteous, 195
Criticisms as per Advertisement, 16
Criticizable Criticism, 126
Cross-Questioning and Crooked
Answers, 141
Crotchety Question (A), 115
Crowner's Quest Law, 89
Crystal Palace (The), 204
Curiosities of Literature, 60
Curious Ditty (A), 113
Cynic Effect, 159
DEED of Gilt (A), 52
Delicate Temptation (A), 150
Diplomatic Author's Society (The), 40
Discharged Steward (The), 121
Domestic Cookery, 79
" Don't Cry-but Try," 69
Drawing-room Ballads, 5
Dream, 39
EAR Ear! 13
Education Office, Again (The), 259
Employment for Ladies, 109
Encore! 99
England's Dispatch to America, 126
ET:.. ,,.l, P i;l ;,: ,'Trip (An), 23
t 'l.( r, ? :" I .' 9
i- .. ..... ... I ,.-. 59,172
Expert Crede, 1140
Extract from a Diary found near -
Prison, 12, 15
FABLE (A), 840
Fair Play's a Jewel, 252
Fame of the Nineteenth Century
(The), 255
Fame well Earned, 193
Fare and Fair, 223
Fashionable Intelligence, 230, 2419
Fee! Fie! Foe! Fun! 201
Female Congress for the Promotion
of Social Science, 3
Figure of Fun, 85
Fine Arts, 189
Fire! Fire I Fire! 19
Fistiana, 209
Five Pounds Reward, 130
Force of Habit (The), 113
Found, 233
Fragment (A), 221,
Free Press for Poland (A), 34
Freedom of Opinion, 104
Fresh Volunteer Corps. 73
Friendly Suggestion (A), 10
From our Used-up Contributor, 210
Funeral Ode to M'Manus, 89
Further Intelligence, 143
GALLICAN Liberties (with Syntax), 81
Game Laws a Little too High (The),
186
Garibaldi (To), 26
Gentle Gorilla-Wither Away, 39
Ghost-haunted (The), 186
Girls and Boys come out to Play, 194
Gorilla Love Song (A), 231
Great Trial of Bores, 255
Greece,-its Humourous History,9,13,
30, 33, 42, 43, 53, 63, 73, 83, 93, 123,
133, 153, 173 183, 193, 203, 213, 243
HAPPY Band (A), 36
Herbert Memorial (The), 132
Heroes of Hartley (The), 210
He who Runs may Read, 49
Hints for Pedestrians in London, 122
Hopeless Case (A), 61
Horses v. Frost, 125
How Russia Stands in Poland, 1106
How to Kick up a Breeze, 35
H. R. H. (To), 100
Humanity to Animals, 169
Hunting for a Needle in a Bottle of
Hay, 226
IF you Tread upon a Worm it will
Turn, 216
Immortal Edwin" (The), 109
Import Extraordinary, 211
Important from America, 69
Important Musical Announcement,
101
Important Notice, 211
Important to those who Enjoy Bad
Health," 220
Important to Young Men, 209
Ingenious Defence, 183
Inn Philosophy, 155
International Exhibition of 1862, 181
International Poet (An), 62
International X Division, 252
In the Sea, 100
Introduction, 3
In Verdure Clad, 222
JACK's Alive-To a Sense of Kind-
ness, 1611
Johnsoniana, 86
KNow all Men by these Presents, 200
LAMENT from Lincoln's Inn (A), 11
Last of the Pantomimes (The), 214
Latest Definition of Amusement
(The), 115
Latest from Potsdam, 161
Latest I,.i .1l:.... from the (Dis)-
Unitecc" .. -, !
Lay of the Fleet, 96
Lay of the Ledger (The), 14
Lay of the Stockbroker (The), 110
Legend of the Countess Cornelia
(The), 212
Lenten Lyric, 21(
Let go the Painter, 230
Letters from Nigh Latitudes, 250, 255
Light Literature, 95
Lisping in Numbers, 75
Literary Announcements, 160
Literary Intelligence, 116, 131, 201
Literary Notices, 160, 221
London Street Cries, 185
Longbow v. Rifle, 191
Lord Mayor's Day, 76
Lord Mayor's Show (The), 74
Louis Napoleon on the Ice, 180
Love Chase (The), 202
MAD Advertisements, 163
Madness v. Mathematics, 179
Market Report, 95
Marry-time Extracts, 92
Matinade (A), 161
Matrimonial, etc., 94
Matrimony, 44
M. Chambers, Q.C. (To), 206
Medical Examination, 201
Metropolitan Police Arrangements
for 1862, 241
Might and Main, 201
Ministerial ITtelligence, 23, 103
Misprint (A), 220
Modern Love, 113
Moor Propre (A), 91
Morality for the Million, 6(1
Most Economical, 21
Mr. and Mrs. Boucicault (To), t'
Mr. and Mrs. Smith at IHome, 114
Mr. H.'s Narrative, 4t
Musical Notes, 210
Music(h)al(l) Intelligence, 205
NAHnow Escape, 105
National Deposit Ilank (The), 180
National Lyric (A), 61
Naval Reserve, 136
New Lights oni Old Worthies, 105
Now Music, 1:0, 195
Nil Durpan, 60
Noble Savage (The), 154
Note of interrogation (A), 1.1
Notes and Queries, 96
Notice, 139
Nursery lliylye, 2:16
Nursery III Ryme ifor the Irish Boys
(A), 222
OIiu. December XIV., Mll()(CLJ.,
114l
Omnibus '. 11
On lier MAijnlsy' Seurvice, 79
Only Skin I)eep, 155
Opening of I'larliamient (The), 229
Opera (Opersnda, 214
Our Inlllml Minstrelsy, 151
Our (Genliine C 'orlrCS]llldl11nt, 55
tOur LaIvdy Contriibutr, 20
Our Liblrary Tuble, tand ltotoks we
lin y Ex1pect onl it, 130
Our Own Maniac, 4
Our Prize Essays, 176, 185, 196, 205,
221, 223, 239, 256
Our Study Table, 7
l'AINvuL Parallelism (A), 151
Painting in Nile Colours, 51
P'an lit the Play, 19, 29, :1, 45, 61, 64,
80, 90, 104, 120, 131, 135, 115, 161,
174, 14,4, 240, 2, 200
Pan, M'omuls, TIouchlstone, lnd Co.'s
List of New Publications, 30
Paris Frnshions for October, 36
Parliamentary Intelligence, 101
Pat at the Palace, 52
Patho Climnaxi Bathos Cum, 230
Peaceful Poem, 40
..... -i",,.1.1:., 133
Pl.ia. ... i.': *. Dreams (The), 200
P'lebeinu lillads, 4, 20, 31, 4t, 51, 62,
69, 79, 91, 95, 119, 129
Po(em on the Ifiint"-terrogativo
System (A), 49
Poeme by eoffriic Cihauccr (A), 232
Poet Scorller, 189
Police Arrangemenntsp for 1862, 170
Police Intelligence Extraorlinlry, 182
Police and Peramibullators, 1:3
lopc's Alloction (Tie), 55
Poser (A), 12
Postman's Plea for a Clristmns-box,
173
_ _____
264
INDEX.
Poste Restante, 121
Present ~. i: .. i'.. 2. 22
Pretty :. I. "- I
Pretty Go-realla (A), 34
Prize Essays by the First Authors,
156
Prize Poem on a Prixe Ox, 139
Profession and Practice, 170
Professional Magnanimity, 31
Prospectus of the National Old-
Fashioned Uncomfortable Hotel
Company, 21
Proverbial Folly, 191
Provisions of a Lease, 35
QuANTITY and Quality, 215
Quintessence of Blackstone, 2:0
Quite a Different Affair, 15
RAILWAY Arrangements for 18G2, 211
Real Organic Disease (The), 154
Red Ruff-ian Beware, 5
Revival of the Slave Trade, 92
Rhyming History of the Southern
Commissioners, (A) 221
Riddle My Ree, 6
Riddle (A), 250
Robinson Lunacy Commission (The),
189
Romance < .' Ai1 -;- (The), 241
Romance: '. .. I (.)Q, 113
Russia One (A), 40
SAVE me from my Friends, 29
;.. by our Sago'in the Streets,
I '.
Scales of Justice, 101
Scenes from Everyday Life, 32
Scholastic Intelligence, 172
Schoolmaster Abroad (The), 226
Sea-side Intelligence, 5
Seasonable Benevolence, 161
Sensation Dictionary (A), 155
Sensation! Sensation I Sensation!
70
Sensation Song (A), 91
Serenade (A), 190
Serious Indisposition of one of the
Trafalgar-square Fountains, 135
Settler for the Snobs (A), 75
Seward's Song to the Senate, 175
'1 I.,,.' .. 1 Really, ll
S",'- 1 i,,r.. ... PainfalProblem,
150
Sinfulness of Excursion Trains (The),
129
Sing-song Pollio, 95
Singular Theft, 101
Sleep no more, 11
Smith O'Brien's Last, 141
Soft Roe (A), 18o
Sohold Again I 110
Some Consolation, 183
Song, 16l3
Song for British Coiumsia (A), 220
Song for the Government Clerk (The),
95
Song for the Throng, or Versification
for tie Nation, 191, 195, 205, 219,
221, 23, 251, 259
Song for the Show (A), 125
.. *' Writing with a Purpose, 61
.. is Dry, 53
Southampton Blockade (The), 190
Sporting, 156
Sporting T,,r. i;r.. 81, 114, 143,
171,199, ... I, 253
Spiritual Dearkness, 11i
Spurgeon at IllIme, 190
Spurgeon's Last, and Probably his
Worst, 159
Star-telling Advertisements, 20
Stranger than Fiction, 233
Stranger than a'" i. ,.. T-." 106
Supplementary ,. i. -.r, .i ..,
Switzerland for Ten Shillings, 64
Sword Exercise for the Streets of
London, 50
TAKE it like a Man, and you shall have
a Lump of Sugar, 211
Tale of a Tnbb, 24
Tar! Tar! 222
Thames Above-bridge Steam Navy
(The), 141
Theatri. 1 .. i. .u.hi .... *1i
The I ..... I i,. .*r. Mi.-- J," 25
"The Public Good should be the
Public Care," 256
SThey Order these Things Better in
France," 214-
Things not Generally Known, 19
T i ... *I, .. -, T.,. .. 130
Three Elections (The), 110
Three Great Events of this Century
(The), 196
Three Othellos (The), 76
Three Misfortunes of the O'Brien
(The), 113
Timely Warning, 60
Touchstone's Telegrams, 10, -16
Train Oil, 164
Trifle from Hanwell (A), 111
UNFAsnIONABLE Intelligence, 25
University Intelligence, 161
Up goes the Donkin, 35
VALENTINE (A), 215
Valentine (from Orson) (A), 231
Very Place for them (The), 29
Very Unjustifiable, 149
WAITS (The), 1-19
Walton-on-the-Nnze, 5
Warm Reception (A), 81
Welsh Rare-bit (A), 231
What is it-About ? 191
What's in a Name ? 146
Who's vyou Hatter ? 10
Who te Subject ? 229
Woman and Art, 121
Word to Brother Jonathan (A), 160
Word to the Foolish (A), 40
YANKEE Doodle, 144
Yankee War Song (A), 142
Young Ass Roasted Whole (The), 131
Young England's Nursery Rhyme,
184
"You're not the Man for Gal(lo) way,"
2416
ZOOLOGICAI, Gardens, 42
Zoological Intelligence, 210
LARGE ENGRAVINGS..
,EsoP's Lion and Prussia's Lamb, 47
Am I not a Man and a Brother ? 77
Author of the Peace (The), 217
"Awake, Arise, or be for ever
Fallen !" 17
Frog that tried to outvie the Bull
(The), 107
Garibaldi Doesn't Care about Moving
at Present, 27
Getting Ready, 207,
Gorilla Family at the Seaside (The), 7
Imperial Kite (The), 257
Inspector and Poor Vicar, 77
Mr. John Bull and Mr. Jonathan, 127
Naval Reserve, 137
Offended Dignity, 227
Old Offender (An), 57
Old Story (The), 201
Our Opinion, 157
Paper Duty and Progress, 17
*. .. i ,, 187
i ... .. L,r,. '37
: I,,,. I ':,,,,: 2-17
Re Mexico, an Execution in at Last,
67
Saturday, December, 11, 1861, 147
Settling the Question, 107
Storm in a Teacup (A), 97
Well done, Brother! 177
Volunteers, Look Out 237
SMALL ENGRAVINGS.
A CONTENTED Mind, 233
Adolphus and Ellen, 4
Agreeable, 192
Air and Exercise, 102
Airy Notion (An), 32
Alexander's Regret, 173
Annoying for Frederick, 116
Aratus's Expedition very nearly goes
to the Dogs, 213
Aristotle opens the Lyceum, 153
Arrival of the Wives' Boat at Greece,
13
Awful Consequence of Forgetful-
ness,163
BEHINn the Scenes, 45
'Bus Driver and Conductor, 184.
CAnBY;.169
Cad and Disguised" Friend, 82
Card Sharps-Sharp Cards, 115
Case for the Society for the Preven-
tion of Cruelty to Animals, 170
Caution,.226
Caution to Omnibus Travellers,.156
Caution to Railway Travellers, 76
Charley Poynter and his Bull-pups,
126
Chimney-Pot Hats First Worn, 203
Clara and Louise, 76
Commencement of the London Sea-
son, 120
Considerate, 160
Cool and Candid, 250
Country Gentleman and Cabby, 22
Courtesies of the Field, 122
Cruel, 92
'Cute Perception, 225
DE Gustibus, etc., 26
Demosthenes Addresses a Roaring
Audience, 133
Difficult to Start, 62
Disinterested Kindness of Heart, 143
Distressing Occurrence, 242
Dodge (A), 142
Domestic Calamity, (A), 20
Down on the Rocks, 80
EnwiN and Angelina, etc., 170
Effects of taking Children to see
Blondin (The), 192
Effects of the Season, 190
End of Socrates (The), 123
Exactly, 231
Examples of Female Heroism, 11, 19
"Eyes Right," 40
FAlE and Fair, 223
Feeble Old Party and Omnibus Con-
ductor, 52
Flunkey and "Guv'noss," 210
Fragment (A), 69
Friend wlo is always willing to stand
by you (A), 41
GxnIBALDI Shirts, 139
Gauls send an Army of Occupation
into Greece (The), 193
Getting up the Comic Business, 180
Hint to the Society for the Employ-
ment of Women, 99
Humanity, 125
IDEA suggested by Modern Fashion,
89
Illustrations to the Poets, 95, 119
Intelligent Advertising Medium, 209
KNowING Fellow (A), 172
LADIns, Beware, 110
Landlady's Daughter and Youthful
Swell, 71
Landlord and Tenant, 130
Last Fashion in Trousers (The), 34
Late Outrage at the British Museum,
23
Latest from South Africa, 60
Listeners do sometimes hear good of
themselves, 96
Look at Home, 38
Look before you Leap, 256
London Labour and London Poor, 240
Lord Mayor's Show (The), 74
Lycurgus Introduces the Rightful
Heir to the Spartans, 63
Matter of Fancy (A), 70
Mistletoe (The), 174
Monster (A), 26
Nor a Bad Idea, 21
Not a Doubt of it, 150
OF Course, 46
Oh!! 230
Old Boy's Playground (The), 42
Old Gentleman and Sporting Gentle-
man, 103
Old Hand (An), 152
One Good Turn deserves Another,
256
PATIXECE, 100
Photographic Artist (The), 182
Phryxus and Helle take a fly to
Colchis, 33
Pious lErieas insures his Father's
Life (The), 53
Plea for Legitimate Drama (A), 149
Poking Fun at Him, 232
Portrait of a Gentleman, 101
Present for Priam (A), 43
Pretty Housebreaker (The), 16
Professional Magnanimity, 31
Promising Boy (A), 51
RAcic Times, 200,
Really very Awkward, 49
Remember the Athenians," 83
Romance in Real Life (A), 112
SAD Case (A), 133
Scene at a Late Meeting, 50
Scene at Railway Station, 112
Scene in the Haymarket, 105
Scene in the Street, 91
Scholastic, 129
"Sensation" Twelfth-night Charac-
ters, 166
Severe Policeman (A), 95
Shrimpgate Artillery (The), 136
So, at least, thinks Pump-court, Q.C.,
79
Solon Recites his "Copy of Verses"
to the People in the Market Place, 72
Some Mistake Here, 56
Something like Chivalry, 10
Something New at Last, 39
Sour Grapes, 252
-, "- rfT.., 163
j*,,ii. of Greece by Rome, 243
Swell of the Sea (The), 24
TALE of Woman's Vengeance (A), 12
"These Ships carry Experienced
Surgeons," 262
Theseus's Papa Fings Himself off
the Cecrooian Rock, 30
Tom, the Disagreeable Boy, 140
Too Bad, 1.5
Too Bad of the Captain, 216
Truism (A), 162
Trying for Perkins, 216
Two Shoeblacks, 129
UNANIMITY, 212
Unfinished Neighbourhood (An), 72
Unhappy End of Alexander the
Great (The), 183
VALEsENIE's Day, 220
Very Kind of him, 186
Volunteer Practice,59
WE all have our Peculiar Notions
about Duty, 91
"We are a Band of Robbers," 206
What a Hero is subject to, 202
What, Indeed 86
What it must come to! 111
"What Next-and Next P" 253
Whip Behind, 106
WonderfulAge (A), 6
XERXES Re-crosses the Hellespont, 93
YEo3rANRY Cavalry, 260
Young Artist and Pipe, 41
Young Switcher, the Volunteer, 84
enw-~--~ w wlv-n~r'a-J- iiei sW t~
F T N.
THE LATE OUTRAGE AT THE BRITISH MUSEUM.
"Two YOUNG LADIES WERE OBSERVED WALKING ABOUT WITH THEIR ARMS ROUND EACH OTHERS' WAISTS, CREATING GREAT
DISTURBANCE IN TIIE MINDS Of TIE ASSEMBLED STUDENTS !
We
MINISTERIAL INTELLIGENCE.
THE M inisters were assembled at the Downing Arms. The usual
orders for pipes and goes had been given to the waiter, when a
desultory conversation upon the varieties of tobacco ensued, and the
respective merits of bird's-eye and shag were discussed with much
ability by the members of the Cabinet. A silence of some minutes
then followed, which was broken by EARL RUSSELL observing to the
PREMIER, who was sitting beside him, solacing his inner man with a
large tumbler of-no, on consideration, we won't divulge his lordship's
favourite weakness-a comforting mixture:-.
Have you seen FUN, PAM ?"
Well, yes; in my time I may say I have seen a good deal of fun.
My late performance at Dover and the Bredenstone business was
capital fun. My sending you up-stairs, JOHNNY, wasn't bad fan,
especially for you; and I look upon being in office at all as the very
best fan possible."
You're always chaffing me; I wish you wouldn't. But I don't.
mean that sort of fun; it's the new publication I refer to," returned
the Earl.
SOLOMON says there's nothing new: and what is it like? asked
LonD WESTBUiY, sententiously.
Well, one of the best comic papers that has appeared for many a
long day," answered the diminutive Earl.
JOINNY'S got a share in it, and wants us to take it," remarked
the PREMIER aside to GLADSTONE.
"Before I do so, I beg to state that there are three courses open to
me:--firstly, to buy a copy and read it; secondly, to read a copy of
somebody else's; thirdly, not to buy a copy and not to read it. One
of these three courses I mean to adopt, though which I am not at
present prepared to state."
"I read it this afternoon, and mean to distribute it to all the letter-
carriers; and then we shan't hear any more of their grievances," said
LoRD STANLEY Of ELDERLY.
Hadn't you better prepare their minds for it by giving them
some bank note paper first? They'd be better able to appreciate
FUN then," was the remark of the DUKE Of NEWCASTLE. ,
A copy sent to every indigo planter might pcrhal)H tinko the fiasl
of Nit Darpan out of tliir noutlhs," observed Silt C. Woo).
"I've mado a riddle on that subject," said the lato leader of the
House of Commons.
"Order for JOHNNY's riddle," PAr cried out. "Now, out with it,
JOHNNY; don't keep us waiting."
"Well; why is the fuss that the planters have mado very unneces-
sary?" was the question.
Oh, we give it up," cried all, in a body.
"Because, though it excites the R]yots for a time, it won't do
good for Long."
Coming from India, I should call that joke far-fetched," was the
remark of Sil G. C. LEWIS, who had hitherto preserved a strict
silence.
Still not bad for a beginner," said PAM patronizingly; "hI's been
taking lessons of my disappointed friend, B. O., to astonish the Lords.
Now I've a riddle to ask you, JOHNNY. "In what respect does this
new paper differ from your Reform Bill "
"Can't you leave my Reform Bill alone ? You're always at it,"
said the Earl, sulkily.
This new paper is a great success; but your Reform Bill was-"
Hero such shouts of laughter arose, that the voice of the noblo
speaker was drowned; and soon after the meeting broke up.
AN ENJOYABLE RAILWAY TRIP.
Father of Family :-"- Now, my dears, let me see; we've got tho
sandwiches, and the sherry, and the two copies of I'F;N, and the(!
railway tickets, and the insurance tickets in case of it collision, so that
it is a great comfort to reflect, in case of anything serious-- The
rest of the speech is lost in the shriek of the railway engine.
OPINION OF. AN ANTI-IIEPWORTIf DIXONIT'.- -- 1). husN lo been able
so save his Bacon.
VOL. 1.
OCTOBER 5, 1861.]
~ ___~~
FITN.
A pallid youth had taken
A youth who played the fl
And TUBas had watched t
S' Never since then had she \
Never since then-bright
S." When TUBBs was very slin
And used to have such 1
-' And would such bright be'
-- And *French kid gloves at
--- 'Which she admitted always
c-/ i 'Twixt thumb and finger, i
S ---:-.- Whilst her mamma remain
:_. When the duet they sang-
1 ,- And ROBINn-he whose sur
- -_ "
: '- --._ -\
:-.--_-.
THE SWELL OF THE SEA.
A TALE OF A TUBBS.
S:AYS MRs. Tunns to MR. TrnBs,
S"You're always at your nasty clubs,
S*S) And if your wife complains, the snubs
She gets are shameful, and the rubs
About the house, although she scrubs
And cleans until as black as grubs
I Are both her hands, you. worst of
S 'hubs.'!"
Then Mas. TiLns turns round and
blubs.
Says MR. T. to Mis. T.,
-~ "This cannot any longer be,
The way in which we disagree
Is something frightful for to see.
S' My life is one of miserie:
Because I choose to join a glee-
i. OClub, am I to have a flea
.\ Popped in my car each morn, hang me!
'Tis rather too good. He! he! he!"
T And IMR. TUBBS laughed wildly in his
rage,
And "took," as the tragedians say, "the stage:"
[ don't mean the stage-coach, but simply that
Toe walked straight to a chair on which he sat,
And fixing his huge boots on the bright fender,
(Always offensive to tho female gender),
Glared at his wife in such a dreadful manner,
That had not, as she termed it, the plannerr"
eeon providentially within her reach,
And on to which she held like any leech,
"She must have fell," those were the lady's words,
"For Tubbs's eye turned all her blood to curds."
Se'd never seen that look since days gone by,
When once a party at, at I'eckham' ye,
Or some entrancing more
When TUBBS addressed he
He knew a little French,
And once had stopped at
Two, where he had had a
As they are apt to term th
With a mustacho'ed little
Whom he obliged most hbu
He'd mean't no insolence,
Yes, since those days his c
Had seen wear that 'ere g
[OCTOBER 5, 1861.
her to supper,
ute and quoted TUPPER,
hem from a distant chair,
beheld that glare.
days devoid of care,
a and debonnair,
lovely curly hair,"
witching waistcoats wear
one-and-ten the pair,
s used to tear
n fact everywhere;
d bring round his mare
o take the air,
ed at home with "BLAIR;"
of" Rich and Rare,"
'name was ADAIR,-
aux from AuBER;
r softly as Ma3 chre,-
you are aware,
Boulogne for a day'on.
slight "affaire,"
em over there,
militaire,
mbly to declare
toute au contrair'e.-
ountenance she ne'er
lare, she could declare.
And so when Tunes went out and slammed the door,
As never he'd been known to do before,
(It shook the row of houses, and did make
Pineapple Grove to quiver like a snake),
Poor MRS. TUBBS exclaimed in deep contrition,
"Good gracious! I've a horrible suspicion!
I don't think-yes, I don't think he'll come back."
And MRS. TUBES proceeded to attack
The cook, who, being of a wrathful turn,
Revenged herself by letting the beef burn.
And Mas. TUBBS was right, for TUBns did not
Return, but by the morning's post she got
These lines. "DEAR JANE,
It is with pain
That I'm obliged to say,
I have my mind
Made up, and find
It best to stop away.
Our tempers are
Extremely far
From the congeni-al.
And I for one
Don't see the fun
Of all this shilly shal-
lying, and so
I'd better go,
'Twould be absurd to stay,-
My way I wend
To-wards Ostend
I'm off at two to-day.
The furniture,
My dear JANE, you're
At liberty to sell,
And of my clothes
You may dispose;-
Farewell, a long farewell."
Reader, the lady did'nt faint,
Restraint
She put upon her feelings,
Squealings
Hysterical, or sentiments absurd,
Wern't heard.
She proved herself to the occasion equal
As will be seen, I fancy, in the sequel.
Two years had past, the sun was shining
Brightly in the autumn sky,
And MR. Tunns had been out dining
With a friend, when there passed by,
Underneath the large bow window,
Such a splendid female form.
As he watched that form TUBBS grinned, oh !
Such a grin, and said by storm
--Ti~' Ii'I
-It,-- illi
OcTOBER 5, 1861.]
FU TN.
That he'd take that lovely creature,
Though no feature
Of her countenance he'd seen;
But her ankles and her hat, and most of all her crinoline,
Iad completely overcome him, and lie turned away and sighed,
As he sadly recollected how lie was le-gally tied.
And he clutched his amber whiskers
Wildly, as he watched the maiden,
Tripping daintily from market
With the morrow's dinner laden.
It was Margate, and he'd watched her,
Near and in the distance dim,
With a strange and wild heart fluttering,
And a look uncommom grim,
And he turned away and loudly
Uttered to the winds "Oh, dimi!"
Round hats and veils
Suit most females,
Sweet seventeen,
Stern forty e'en ;
And TUBns was victim to a maiden sly,
Who wore the most coquettish pert pork pie,
Slightly inclininig t'wards the dexter eye,
Adjusted with extremo dexterity,
Who, though she ever wore a veil opaque,
Was lovely, oath TunBS was prepared to take.
At last this lady rather lateish met he,
On the jetty.
His heart beat fast:
She passed.
He felt the wretchedest of men :
She passed again.
Say, should he speak,-
Too weak
He felt to force a single word,
Absurd.
She passed once more:
Encore.
By Jove," said he,
"With me
It's but too plain she's smitten."
Hittin'
His breast, he stopped and said-
Nothing, for like a perfect lump of lead
He fell, when raising from her face her veil,
The lady showed the features, proud though pale,
Of Mls. TUBns, the sadly-injured wife;-
She stared, and cut her husband-like a knife.
He rose, and tore his hair, and swore
Ho loved her more than ever,-moro
Than he had ever loved before.
Said he was wounded to the core,
And set up such a fearful roar,
That people heard him from the shore.
It was in vain, although he "sor,"
As Cockneys say, her to her door,
She camly sought her second-floor;
Then, ringing the landlady for, s
Remarked, "This person, M3s. BLOIRE,
Is a most pertinaceous bore ;
And should he call, I do implore
You not to let him in." TUBes tore
Himself away with "Ausl revoir."
That night from the club books he scratched his name,
And came
Down by express to Margate in the morning.
Scorning
Deception, he at once went to his wife and told her
(Bolder
People have shirked so fearful a confession-
This digression
Pardon) how her pork-pic" had settled on his chest;
Confest
The hold she had upon his heart retaken.
His bacon
He saved, and she forgave him with a kiss:
Apply the moral, madam and young miss.
"What is it ?" Can you really ask me tha ?
'Tis this,-in future, alvatys wear a hut.
UNFASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.
t'Fron he St Gilts's Chro.icle.)
AMU EL SYKES,
/.j .u -.- bhgs to infotr
S,-- us I lhat his Illa; Utern
-tuc'ceded in di.',]o;-
i i ing of her ianigle to
considerable vdvan-
? l tavl'-e.
B I.' S'rI, ,a l s is
S- a sitising his ltii urt
/ L iiienls by picking
:' 1 "in il 5 If hI]
Sy re ,lalinsal ial thinirli
Theater Ral, Little Ttboro up is xcele t.
d te etie lt w p
t t t n t he wll rp r i e sire ilo
every genuine artist Ito obtain.
er pice the obliging or f th eleven
P -"' somuehatientioen,:ad
so many reg arks from a discerning, thloulh qurolewhat itdiscreietl
gallery, is at present fulfilling a highly su.cessfll engagemen1 at ihe
Theatre Royal, Little Tutborough. Tlho mianer in whiiih 'i reIpe-
sented the entire avrmy ix p ictd frm t last week, llproved him tlil e
dost il himself, and we have no doubt that on the ocriesion of hlis
irst ticket night he will reap that reward which it is the desire gof
every genuine artist to obtain.
MIn. C, COPPE s, tohe obliging -onduIctor of the elOven o'clo li
Paddington omknibus, has owasnged th o tla e qunrtlor aer two, litt,.
Mu.BKInCi L a has taon tio faiohs hostel cf thoe lig ;it,
vice A P ENNY, d .1, ,, ..-1.
W-ist. ,' aiNl intends itng rating his le3ssesi p with a, intll1r ally-. i,
received a few friends oin Wednesday. The en terlilnmenlit s N aClilh
as one milht have expected from this icaly's werll-kniown cii st. i ii he
supper was elegant. Aii one el of the table was displayed C ripe,
dressed with onions; act anl other wrcap shefp's Wro tlis, while t
centre of the tablo as devoted to the f isiy salaii'ge of o;or ogn.
Festivities w-or it u, as was thoe ti landlady, until a tlte hour.
31R. Bgivch a deci hasd takln the Jfiouls hosctly of the "'pig ofi
Whistle," and intends inaugurating his lessccship with a dinner. Al I.
BLwees iGs, ksown in professional circles as the ientli lil Ki
One," will take the chair. The musical arrit genCenl ias will bo nr.
the skilful supervision of 3XtI. R. MoNNY, of the Nobody's Concerts.
THE PRINCIPAL THEATRHES ROYA1,."
TErr Era newspaper is certainly capital funll. Vero the prico lower
w should be positively afraid of; it. Takt fi inmst mal ono or iwo
advertisements-fo r it is the contributors who pay, a:d noty hose paid,
who give such a decided 11dash of jocularity to the lMper- of last
week's impression. Can they be genuiio, or nro they simply the
effervescence of provincial nnageras who desire to rush into print
and amuse their friends ? One manager advertises fior "a i god wnd
willing utility gentleman." A willing utility gentleman would ji a
novelty, we should imagine; hisf duty being in most small icoutry
theatres to play three parts at least in every pice ; ien siet, to rele-
sent about forty diffront personages a week, b at a salary barely i illi-
cient for the sustenance of one. erhapts thoiile n ger .really wanmt
him for ihe "heavy killings." Fta rth r dowi we itof a manager wmho
requires a "heavy genlcemaln and a heavy walking gien.le( mn, to joil
immediately." \We have lheard of "heavy gentlell.men ill dramat(11 ic
circles, but a li"heavy v'lki,' gentleman" :eeins to n:; to be :11
entirely novel line. As far as our experience goes, we have -eshlom
seen a wallking gentleman who was iot heavy. In some of the lino
old comedies they are of the grreatcst weight. Pout these t wo heavy
gentlemen are to "join immediately." We beliv( this adverfisemnt
simply means tihat the manager wants a dobloe I's." A n1th'
nmnaIer informs the pulblic tlart he is illn waNIf, of a gentlenman horn-
pipe dancer." We sincerely wish he may get him.l
Wi,,.% r polic-ollilill is I!Crc chev LI- :~
F U:LN-
[OCToBER 5, 1861.
A 1I:0TNSTrEl?-
YoTlentccr :-"YES, I'VE SHOT A GOOD MANY OF OUR FELLOWS, AND AMl GOING OUT TO-DAY, TO SHOOT THE
CORPS-FOR A SILVER CUP."
BEST MAN OF THE
CONFECTIONERS' COMPOSITION.
WE were walking lately at the West End, when our attention was
arrested by a placard in a fashionable confectioner's shop-window.
In the middle of a dish of very toothsome-looking cakes was stuck a
label,-wo had nearly written libel,-with these words, Good for
Indigestion i"
Good gracious! Can this too candied,-wo mean too candid,-
confectioner be in league with the surgeon next door but one ? The
proximity is most suspicious. Wo looked among the acid-drop and
lozenge bottles, expecting to read "Fine for Fevers!" or "Highly
recommended for Influenzas." We were almost induced to enter and
purchase some motto nuts or kisses in the desperate hope of finding
a few couplets of this sort:-
"When winter's winds do blow about
But suck me, and you'll get the gout."
Or,-
"'Masticate me, reader, pray-
I'm sure to bring dyspepsi-a "
Gi*,--
Riddle-me-riddle-me-ree !
Those of weak constitution,
On the tip of your tongue dissolve me,
And I'll cause your dissolution I "
Will not some gentleman connected with the Lancet analyze these
suspicious sweetmeats ? In the endeavour to disseminate disease in
the insidious disguise of bonbons, this pernicious pastry-cook deserves
to catch a Tart-ar.
KEEP IT DARK.-American newspaper correspondents in the
Northern States have been prohibited giving information of the
ships bound southward, as their destination is not intended to
encounter the public eye, so much as to catch the privateer.
TO GARIBALDI.
DON'T be persuaded, my brave Garibaldi;
Leave the American squabble alone;
Fancy this veteran-shade of Grimaldi!-
Who has so many concerns of his own,
Mixing himself in this mad undertaking,
Helping these hectoring Yankees to fight,
Leaving his Italy, friends, and forsaking
Home, for a quarrel about-black and white.
Tiddy fol al-di
Brave Garibaldi
Surely wouldd be an undignified sight.
Friends seek your guidance, and wrongs need redressing,
Foes you've to fear need your presence at home ;
Yankees their stars and their stripes would be blessing
Could they but tempt you from Venice or Rome.
Don't list to those who are selfish enough to
Take you away from your island retreat,
Give these poor blustering folks a rebuff to,
Don't be seduced from your snug little seat.
Lilli bolera,
Stop at Caprera,
Fire may be smouldering under your feet.
A NICE TOAST TOR A SMALL PARTY.-The imperial quart bottle,
filled without adulteration, emptied with moderation, and though the
wine be foreign, may Englishmen enjoy it never the less.
LOST, between Temple Bar and 80, Fleet Street, a perfectly new
JOKE, in excellent condition. Any one finding it, and bringing it to
the office, shall be most handsomely rewarded by seeing it in print.
OCTOBER 5, 1861.] IFU if T. 2)
EXAMPLE OF FEMALE HEROISM.-No. 3;
ii- .11!_
ii~
I ...- '
'II "-'
ELLEN BUYS A FEW TOYS AT TiTHE PANTHEON, ANT) CARIES TIIHE- HOME
TO TilE DEAR C('ILDIIREN.
1--
I_
PAN AT THE PLAY,
Ox no account should those who are fond of genuine acting miss
taking the first opportunity and an Islington omnibus, and seeking
the classical portals of Sadlers Wells, where they may see MR. PHELPS
in two parts, IHenry IV. and Shallow; he separates himself entirely,
nd the theatre is consequently crowded; indeed it is a peculiar instance
of a house being formed by a division. If Mi3. PHELPS, Junior, could
also be divided into two, it would be a considerable relief to the
audience. Louis XT. has also been very successfully produced here,
and left nothing to be desired but actors to play the important parts.
With the exception of the actor-manager, who was strikingly impres-
sive, the characters were anything but well represented. MR. T. C.
HAnRIS'S voice is too deep-even for the Wells.
At the Lyceum a change has taken place in the cast of Woman,
MRls. CHARLES YOUNG having been transplanted to the Haymarket.
The piece, however, proves still very attractive, and fills the house
nightly, suggesting Filch's remark that
"'Tis woman that seduces all mankind."
At the Adelphi the Octoroon is in rehearsal, and if I credit green-
room gossip (which I never do), will be a second Colleen B avoi to
the lucky management.
The Princess's opened on Saturday with the remarkable novelty, The
Rendezvoiis,a new comedyby Mr. B Ro:c UnIAM, entitled Playing with Fire,
and the revived sketch of uGribalci Exccursionists. I shall describe the
comedy in doggrel rhymes next week, and shall touch upon some
other dramatic events which are at present too numerous to
mention,-the Olympic bill of fare and the Strand burlesque to wit.
Drury Lane is shortly to open, not with a display of real water, buti
with the exhibition of a genuine BiEooK, which we trust nily
succeed in producing many overflows for the manager, and literally
flood his banks.
SAVE ME FROM MY FRIENDS.
AN insolent acquaintance has just dropped in, and highly insulted
us by familiarly seizing our button, and asking why anybody buying
twelve dozen copies of FUN is likely to have very coarse tastes ? If
course, our reply was an indignant one ; we should imagine the happy
purchaser to be a person of very excellent tastes. But our incorrigibi
friend declared that could scarcely be, when he WPs sure to be highly
delighted with the gross.
THE VERY PLACE FOR THEM.
WE hear that a party of amateur actors have been hunting :,oiut,
London for a building in which to display their dramatic capabilities.
Might we suggest the theatre in Guy's Hospital ?
Low REMAIRK.-" Deceit, sir," said the cynic, .JONES; "deceit is
like coral, and is ever to be found in the deep."
--~------------~--
OUR LADY CONTRIBUTOR.
To the Editor of FUN.
DEAR SIR,-What a funny man you must be! It's
no use your attempting to deny it, for I klnow you are !
I want to see if you'll put in a little joke I made last
Tuesday week.
I was walking down the Strand with Toni,-of course,
you don't know who Tor is; well, ToISrtis himt-yo
kToto,-and we peeped into the Field office, to look lt,
the Gorillas, and we found them gone ; but thero was
a great big animal in the shop-something like an
elephant covered with ladies' muffs,-and Tonr said it,
was a bison; so I took him up quickly, and I told him
to come along and mind his own bison-ess !
It was'nt a bad joke, was it, when you consider that
I made it all myself-and in a minute, too, while mt
omnibus was passing ? ToM never helped me with it a
bit, I assure you. So if you like to put it in the nixt
number you can; and Ilknowt somebody who will buy hal'-
a-dozen of that number for sonelbodly's sa ke!
Yours over,
GtEss ItI You CAN.
MOST ECONOMICAL.
AN advertisement, which is now going t to round of
the newspapers, commences with the following astoundl-
ing announcement:-
"By merey erl pouring hollilng wAntel into the in\ericl lidi ofi
LOYSEL'S patent IIydroslAtie PerColtitor, l'rmii ot' piiit to ono
Iuninred gallons of ia. right, strong, :Id1 uroniatic in lllsion ofI te i,
or coffee mny be prolluced in t moment."
This is an invention. You see it makes no mentiion
of tea or coffee being placed within the percolator in the
first instance. That is evidently a piece ol' stuperfhlooi
extravagance which the Percolator is specially designed
to avoid. The lid does it all. Bravo! Louy's.: but what
will the grocers say?
THE CASE OF EMMA ALLEN.
CHRES the IIemel TTempstoad .Iclnhi,
Oh these very very trench-
ant press writers make us blench,
And our hands in rage to clench,
And with tears of anger drench
Pocket handkerchiefs of French
Cambric. Oh! like trout or tench,
We've been hooked about this wencht,"
Cries the Hlemel lclmpstead Bench.
;P F UU SN,. [OCTOBER 5, 1861.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE THIRD.
As the chronology of the history of Greece previous to the first
Olympiad is involved in utter obscurity, those historians who "like to be
particular in dates," only utter-obscurity themselves whef they attempt
to fix the exact times of important events. However, it appears
probable that the heroic age, as it is termed,-which is the period
between the appearance of the Hellenes and the return of the Greeks
from Troy,-lasted about two hundred years. It is perhaps super-
fluous to remark that it was termed the heroic age from the extra-
ordinary number ofheroes who flourished (their swords) about that
time. Among these great creatures HERACLEs appears not only to
be as a man A one, but also a won-derful man. He seems to have
done more than any mortal or immortal before or after him; and
were it not for the trifling drawback that everything narrated of him
is supposed to be invention, one might really get up something like
enthusiasm concerning his exploits. The awkward fact, too, of his
never having existed, is a great damper to one's admiration. He is
said to have lived upon a heap of falsehoods and eventually to have
died upon a pile.
THESEUS was the stock hero of Attica. On his way to Athens, the
throne of which lie was bent on claiming,-for he was the son of
.ErG.:is, King of Athens, and intended shortly to inform his distant
parent of that fact,-he performed the most wonderful feats with a
sword,-oeven more extraordinary than PnoPrsson HARRIsoN, or the
champion leg-of-mutton soverers at the Holland Park fetes. He
exterminated many robbers, and gave the snakes and toads a
twist," much to the delight of the inhabitants. His father did not
welcome him altogether warmly, and went so far as to attempt to
poison him at a banquet, but eventually thought better of it, and
did'nt. It appears that it was the annual custom for seven poor
Crete-rs to go for an excursion to the Minotaur, a playful monster
who invariably payed his visitors the most devouring attentions.
This agreeable animal, who is spoken of by OVID as
Semibovemque virum, semivirumquc bovem,
did not prove himself half a man in his encounter with TuESEus,
who left him shortly not even worth "half a bull," which, as all well-
bred people are aware, is a slang term for two and sixpence. The
secret of his escape lay in the fact of AnrADNE, daughter of MINos,
lending him a skein of thread with which he threaded the mazes of
the labyrinth, and "came out" of his encounter very creditably,
making game of the miserable Minotaur, and "taking off" the indis-
crete daughter of the KING of CRETE. She, poor thing, having gone
right off" with him, was "left on" the Island of Naxos by the
fickle THESEUs, who was so much taken up with his having assailed
the Minotaur, that he neglected to take up the sail of the vessel con-
veying him home; and as the absence of the customary black sail was
to have been the signal to his parent that he had succeeded in his
enterprise, the whole thing ended in a die-er calamity. Poor old
EIGEUS was looking out for his son, when to his horror he perceived
the fatal sail, and supposing his son to have shared the fate of the
ordinary annual victims, he gave a hop, step, and jump, and took a
"tremendous header" from off the Cecropian rock into the sea.
(t >- __
-I..
/-2N0c
tr %'j lr
TIIESEUS'S PAPA FLINGS IIIMSELF OFF THE CECEOPIAN ROCK.
PAN, IMOMUS, TOUCHSTONE AND CO.'S LIST OF NEW "The Tale of the Household." By the Author of "The Head of the
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"The Fight over the Skein of Silk." By the Author of "The Mill Wealth, Wife-Hunting, and Womancraft." By the Authoress of
on the Floss." "Health, Husbandry, and Handicraft."
" Indolences of the Queen." By the Author of "Idylls of the "Broil Buildings." By the Author of Gryll Grange," etc.
King," etc. "Enormous Realizations." By the Author of" Great Expectations
"The Yelng Person in Pink." By the Author of"The Woman in and other works.
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._r
OcTOnBE .5, 1SC1.]
FU -T N-. :'1
PROFESSIONAL MAGNANIMITY.
:-_
A SHOEBLACK OF TRE "BRIGADE," HAVING HAD A SUCCESSFUL
DAY, GENEROUSLY EMPLOYS A COUPLE OF "OUTSIDERS."
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted (for the first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 3.-THE BALLAD OF WILL HIGGINS AND HIS DIANA.
OH, 'tis of a rich merchant who in London did dwell,
He had but one daughter, a sweet demoiselle,
Her name was DIANA, just sixteen years old,
And she had a large fortune-as people were told.
Singing, Tooral, ritooral, etc.
As DIANA was parading the garden one day,
SHer papa advanced t'wards her, and thus he did say,
Go, dress thee, DIANA, in radiant array,
For a swell is expected to dinner to-day."
[Singing kindly, but still with a certain stern authority]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
He has houses and lands, many grand tenements,
A title, and tin, too, in the Three-per-Cents.,
He's anxious to settle; so, daughter, to-night,
I trust you'll look well and be precious polite."
[Singing, in a grim and governor-like manner] -
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
Oh, papa, dear papa, I've not made up my mind,"
The young lady rejoined,-for the rhyme read eejined;-
"I am still in my teens, and it surely will be
Time in two years to talk about matrimonee."
[Singing, in the manner of farce young ladies who are circumventing
"guardy"]- Aoral, ritooral, etc.
Go, go, MIss DIANA, I'm not in the dark
Concerning your love for WILL HIGGINS, my clerk;
I have heard all about it,-your secret is known;
I can't trust your two ears, but can trust my own."
[Singing, with the air of having said something rather good]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
"A very line thing, after toiling so long,
To have you go doing the thing what is wrong;
A nice iedsalliance-a clerk for to go
And marry the daughter of Boneutis and Co."
'Singing, with a ghastly jocularity, and very nmch out. of itmue
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
Papa, dear papa, pray remember, you know
(Admitting WILL HIGGINS's birth's rather low),
You yourself kept a shed-ere you'd reached fortune's goal-
Built expressly for selling the smallest of coal."
[Singing, in an irritating and rather unfilial manner]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
Go, go, boldest daughter, this idlinage drop;
If you do not consent to wed LORD LOL.L. OP,
I will leave my large fortune, unkindest of gals,
To distant relations and largo hospitals."
[Singing, in a Lear-like and discordant manner] -
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
As WILT ITfGGrxs was awaiting his beateous DIANA,
In the garden attached to her parent's manor,
Ho stumbled o'er something-could it be ? Yes-ha! ha !
DIANA, apparently stiff as her pa.
[Singing, in tone of voice exceedingly like a wail]-
Too-real, ri-toorcal, etc.
He sunk on his knees, though the ground was quite damp,-
But true love regards not rheumatics or cramp,-
When his eye caught a bottle, with label which taught
The reader it once held South African Port.
[Singing, in a very disorder manner]- Tooral, ritooral, etc.
"She has drunk of the poison," poor WILL HIGciNS cried ;
But, "Ha! ha! he laughed wildly, there's still some inside."
Then he finished the port like a gallant he-ro,
Saying, Here's your good health, Messrs. BODGtERS and Co."
[Singing, in a convivial and genteel-comedy manner]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
Now his Lordship and BODOERS had gone rather far,
When the parent suggested a turn and cigar,
So they strolled through the garden; when, what should they see,
But the pair of dead lovers stretched under a tree.
[Singing (his Lordship), in an astonished but unruffled manner]-
Toowal, wi-toowal, etc.
"Goodgwacious Fwiend BODGERS, explain, pway, what's this ?"
BODGERS pare cries severely, He-hem get up, Miss."
Says his Lordship, "This case, my dear sir, seems to ino
One not only of lady but fcllow-de-se."
[Singing, in a haughty and highly-dignified manner]-
Two-ral, ri-two-ral, etc.
"What is this on the ground? What! South African port."
"Yes, your Lordship at dinner had just the same sort."
"Why, you wogue! cried his Lordship, "at dinner you swaw
It had been in the bottle since th' year twenty-faw."
[Singing, in an uncomfortable manner]- Tooral, ritooral, ec.
Then his Lordship turned pale, and on Bon cts turned tale,
And the merchant went home and proceeded to fail,
While the servants came out very nervous and blue,
Just in time to see both of the lovers come to.
[Singing, in a bewildered and confused but amatory manner]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
Then DIANA and HIlciINS got married; the port
Sent the great firm of BoDGERS and Co. through the comrt.
That supposed millionnairo had in life a sad drop,
And he now serves out soap in his son-in-law's shop.
[Singing, in a melancholy and unmusical manner]-
Tooral, ritooral, etc.
MORAL.
Whenever you ask anybody to dine,
Don't palm off as "prime" and superior wine,
Stuff at two bob a bottle, unless you would know
The extremely sad fate of J. BOGErss and Co.
[Singing, in a decided and conclusive manner]--
Tooral, ritoornl 0l.
Miss LYnrA TUooaI soN- would have delighted llmtill, lfor lse Sleakrl
all her speeches -' I 'i .,r,_. "
--- ------- --- -- ----------
---------------------
--- ----------------------
F TJ [OCTOBER 5, 1861.
AN AIRY NOTION.
- ~ ~ -'--
JorHN THOMiAS TAKES AN 'INT FROM BLONDIN, WHICII ENABLES IIIM
TO CARnY ON INs COUITSHIIP WITI LADY DUMFOODLE'S MAID.
A SCENE FROM EVERY-DAY LIFE.
DRuAMATIS PERSONIE.-BROWN, JONES, ROBINSON, Wags; a PORTER;
OURSELF (with a highly cultivated car).
SCENE.-ThI interior of a carriage on the London and North-
Western Line. JONES, BROWN, ROBINSON, and OURSELF discovered.
Time, 9 P.M.
Brown. When do we get to Shrewsbury?
Jones. Let's see (consults Bradshaw). Oh-here you are-no,
that's not it. Oh! Shrewsbury-ten minutes past fift-no-fifteen
minutes past ten.
Robinson. By the bye, what's the difference between ABIMELECII
and the EARsL OF SlREWSBUIRY ?
Jones. llas thero been a difference between them ?
Robinson. No, no-it's a riddle. Look here,-one's the son of
A-iu-TIn, and the other's the son of a Tall-but!
Brown. Can't say I see it though. Oh, ah! TALBOT. Just so.
Ia! lha! Too bad of you, RoBINsoN.
Robinson. I've got another. What is the difference between the
deed of the Good Samaritan, and a house devoted to the sale of cheap
lish pies ?
Jones. Something about crossing over on the other side, I suppose.
I always do.
Robinson. Not at all (impressively). One's a pious heal and---
Jones and Brown. Yes! Go on.
Robinson (Iwhose pluck had almost failed him): And the other's a
l'eel pie-'ouse !
Joncs. Fishy-low. Why are riddles like that one of RoBINsoN's
like my boots ?
Brown. Because the man who makes them can't get any money
for them?
.ones. No, no,-because they're beneath a gentleman
Robinson. Don't see it-it's not worthy of you. When JONE gives
oan a more unsatisfactory reply than usual, why is he like a theatre
at Easter?
Brown. Give it up.
Robinson. Because he presents an Extra-vague-answer! Extra-
vaganza, you know. You just lengthen the anti-penultimate and
substitute s for z, and there you are!
Jones. Flat as table-beer. Which reminds me-When small-beer
is in duller spirits than usial (supposing it possible), why is it like
the finest claret?
Brown. Because extremes meet, I suppose. Oh, I don't think
much of that. 0
Jones. No, no,-because it's X-pensive. Expensive, you know.
Brown. Ah! but the duty's off now.
Robinson (who for some reason or other feels very strongly on this
point). I am aware of it, sir. It was a mistaken policy, and I have
always maintained it. Tea and sugar, sir, the poor man's
luxuries-
Brown. Oh, hang politics! What's the difference between a mem-
ber of the late Conservative ministry and myself? Why, Lord
Derby is his great Tory, and a swallow is mi-gra-tory! My great
Tory, you know! One more. 'Why is a man who has sworn at a
mouse which, on waking up, he has found running over his head,
like atide-waiter? (Pauses, then triumpantly)-Because he's accursed
a mouse off his ear !-A custom-house officer! !
(Train, which has been slackening speed for some time, comes
to a. stop.
Porter. Crallahoo! Crallaboo! Padgers a ha hoo hum chain
cradgers a hoo ha-ha ha hum!
(What on earth this means nobody has the slightest idea.)
Ourself (panting). Hi! Guard! Porter! Here! Another car-
riage-first-class! third-class! any class!
Carriage door opens. Exit OURSELF, taking a tremendous
header on to the platform, after the manner of Mn.
BoucicAULT in the Colleen Bawn.)
TO CORRESPONDENTS.
So great has been the excitement produced by the publication of our first
number; so universal has been the sudden belief in our infallibility ; so
general has been the desire to profit by our wisdom and caperience,
that already we have been inundated wit' piles of correspondence
from every variety of writer, from every quarter of the country, in
every form of composition, in every shade of syntax. It would ill
befit ts to publish the many fulsomely flattering sentiments expressed
by most of the writers; we can simply take this opportunity of thanking
them one and all-(and we do so with a grateful tear in each eye, and a
pathetic expression painful to witness, which is giving our sub-editor
hopes of our breaking down and retiring fSrom ocu responsibility, thus
opening a way for his ambition; hopes which, we assure him, are by
no means destined to be realized)-for their generous expression of
sympathy and regard. It is true that the number of letters arriving
by every post may raise expectations in the bosom of the postman
touching a Christmas-box of an overwhelming nature; it is tue that
our back office is rapidly presenting a wild appearance of maddening
confusion; it is true that if we possessed the concentrated iifor-
mation of MAUNDER, PINNOCK, HAYDN, KNIGHT, aod TIMBs, 'we
could never hope to be able to answer one-thousandth part of the
questions contained in the ever-increasing heap of correspondence
beside us ;-but what matter? As Touchstone says, "a snan m ay, if
he were of a fearfji heart, stagger in this attempt," but we are not of
a fearful heart, and we shrink at nothing that comes "in such a
question-able shape," for we know that every one who ciwrites asking a
question willrush to buy a copy to see the answer; and as we have the
Penny Cyclopaedia laid on in the back ofice, and have engaged a
copying clerk at an attorney's to come in over-time and answer abstruse
legal points, we feel confident that our replies will invariably give
that satisfaction which it will be our study to deserve. N.B.-Those
wiho getno reply after the fifteenth week nmay rest assured that wve have
not been able to obtain the information required, or that the letter has
been mislaid, or that we couldn't snake out the writing, or that we
have dropped it in taking it home to peruse c./I,. ii,,, or that we don't
care about the trouble, or that perhaps, after all, they ever posted it.
JuL:.us.-You wish to know our scale of remuneration; it is ten guineas
a column for prose, fifteen for verse. 'From the style of your letter we
should imagine you strongly inclined to prose. Send itsa dozen columns
or so, and callfor the cheque on Saturday next, as sooi after we have
closed the office as you feel inclined.
PY.\rALrON.-From a cursory glance at your handwriting we should
imagine your character t) be strongly marked. Pimples are hereditary.
ASTRAY.-It was supposed that the earth went round the scn, but nous
avons change tout cela. Science has made such rapid strides that
very many venerable theories have exploded, their promulgators being
also blown up by modern discoverers. The sun is altogether too bright
to let the earth get round it. Devote your mind to these noble pursuits
by all means, but don't forget in future to put a stamp on your letter.
Our 500 other correspondents must wait till next week.
London: printed and Published (for lte Propeletors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, October 5th, 1801.
OCTOBER 12, 1861.] IF U IN 38
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
SIllustrated wiith Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE FOURTH.
FOLLOWING the bold example of 2EGEUS, we shall take an immense
historical leap, and come at once to the time of the Argonautic
expedition, namely, seventy-nine years or so before the taking of
Troy. This expedition sprang from a complicated series of family
differences. PHRYXUS and HELLE were the children of ATIIENEUS,
king of Thebes; and they were looked upon most unfavourably
by their step-mother, who appeared anxious to go a step farther,
and put an end to them. PHRYXUS and HLLLE consequently
formed the highly original project of running, or rather flying,
away. A golden ram, with wings and the faculty of speech, in the
most obliging manner requested them to jump on. At first they
imagined he was ram-bling, but eventually thought it best to believe in
him, and to be leaving Thebes. The brother and sister, when the ram
rose with them into the air, felt considerably elevated, and remained
on very tight for some time, when poor HELLE, who lost her head
completely by her sudden rise, and was not only very young but
excessively giddy, fell into the sea; while the ram, who really seemed
to like a burden, proceeded like a bird, and held on for Colchis, while
PHRYXUS held on for dear life. With that extreme gratitude peculiar
to the ancients, PHRYXUS, on landing, sacrificed the ram to MARs,
retaining the Golden Fleece, which soon caused IEETES, the king, to
murder him, the auri sacra fames overcoming all family scruples.
JASON, the rightful heir to the crown of IOLCHOS, wishing to have his
own, was promised the kingdom by PELIAs, the usurper, provided he
could obtain the Golden Fleece, and avenge the death of PHRYxus.
JASON, who, like most youths in the heroic age, was always ready for
a row, jumped at the proposition and into a boat, which he named the
Argo, and which he manned with heroes and commanded himself.
Arrived at Colchis, JASON was informed by EETEs that he should have
the Fleece provided he could tame some flame-breathing bulls and
plough with them, sow the ground with teeth which were to produce
armed men, conquer them, and subdue an enormous dragon which
guarded the Golden Fleece. Luckily MEDEA, the king's daughter,
fell in love with JASON ; she assisted him, and lie went through a grand
bull-taming which would have surprised RAREY himself, and have
given the QUEEN OF SPAIN a new "sensation." Ilis appearance was
so handsome, that he not only ploughed the plain, but cut up the
good-looking; when, after sowing the eartlh with the bull's teeth, a
"complete set" was made upon him by the uncharitable grinders,
who, however, having their heads aunoyed and their attention diverted
by a large stone which was thrown among them, "fell out" among
themselves, hacking each other to pieces; they may be said to have
died so many hacksi-dental deaths. With some medicated grub lie
soon made the dragon fly, took the Fleece from iEETES, and walked offl
with his darling and MEDEA. iESON, JASON's father, was so delighted
at his return, that he became literally "a boy again" by the charms
of MEDEA, who was not only a pleasing arrival but acharming wizarder.
PELIAS, the usurper, being also anxious for a return of his youth, was,
through the advice of IMEDEA, very much cut ap by his daughters,
and put in a cauldron of hot water. He was loved by his children, andi
very much he steamed. Oddly enough, however, the effect was not
altogether agreeable to the family, for lie never returned to life at all,
being not only a sacrificed father, but literally par-boiled. 11 DEAo got
herself also into hot water, and fled to Corinth with her husband J AsoN,
where they at first lived very happily, but their home, which had
been a perfect picture, became a very miserable interior after Ten-
years. JASON's heart separated from MIEDEA, and hishcad suppurated
from a beam which fell from a ship, and at once convinced him that
man was, after all, the weaker vessel. The actions of M cIsA have
been celebrated in a tragedy by EURuPIDES, who wrote it, as we hear,
for five talents. This shows how differently dramatic authors were
remunerated in those days to the present, for we now find people
who write tragedies without any talent at all.
_~5 ----- -~
___~ __a-aD __I~
.. ,, __
I __ /. ..,, --
PIIRYXUS AND HELLE TAKE A FLY TO COLCHIS.
WHEN the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH exhibits his child to the RAILWAY RIDDLE.--Why is the guard on tile Chester and Holyhcad
ubic, why does he resemble an old coat ?-Because he shows a very line necessarily very brutal to his wife ?-Because he's continually
little AP. going to bang her.
VOL. i.
FU-*N.
[OarOBER 12, 1861.
( \ \'
THE LAST FASHION IN TROUSERS.
A PRETTY GO-REALLA.
OflR gifted friend and contributor, MR. STURGEON, has been
lecturing oil the gorilla. Can we do less than support" him, by.
giving publicity to his remarks in the widely circulated columns of'
FuN ? Is ho not one of us ? Is he not essentially the funny man
of thlo religious world ? And what new comic publication would be
romplet e that did not number him amongst its writers? But as the
f Ais are as well known and as little contested as the suavity of Mn.
hRoi',i'ci, or the high artistic merit of the London statues, we will
at once proceed to business.
The IRE. JoE I iLLEii, on appearing on the platform, observed
audibly to the chairman, "Here we are again !" an observation, the
pungent wit and novelty of which elicited shouts of laughter from
the delighted audience. He then came forward and said:--
FriPnds, rutinmns, odditors,* I come to lecture on the gorilla,
which is a largo monkey, having a near ape-proach to the human
animal. My friend, Milt. HAINEs, offered to paint me some slides far
toh orcnsion, but I feared it might turn out a slippery business, so I
declined. Now about M. Du CIIAIIL.u and his book; that is a
volume of decided weight; I dropped it on my toes this morning,
and so can speak from experience. As for Ilii adversaries, Dia.
GArY'S opposition turned out a black business, and in men-
tioning his other antagonist, I shall merely say WALKER.
But are the statements in it true ? Truth lies at the bottom of
a well, so we're told; and if truth does so beneath the earth's
surface, why should not Mi. Dui CiAiLLU do the same on terrafirma ?
Well! the gorilla's like a man-only different. His arms are very
long, which denotes his overreaching disposition; they are also
uncommonly strong, a circumstance with which the traveller is
apt to be considerably struck, if lie only goes near enough to the
animal. His legs are short and weak, and in walking he has difficulty
in keeping himself upright; a sure sign of the dishonest tendencies
of Iis proceedings. Not infrequently he supports himself on a stick ;
but for all that lie can't be said to hive a staff appointment. Some-
id the reverend gentleman intend to Ipn on auditor? If so, the joke is
elohtw his tusualt mark.--EIT.
times he plays at- all fours by, going on- them, another proof of his
deficiency in the card-inal virtues. Like some wines, he has a deal of
body, still he sadly'wants refining. 3M. Du CIAILLu tried to civilize
the race, but we must almost regard his statements as civil lies, for he
reversed the usual method, by killing them first and curing them
afterwards; altogether a curious process, and one that smacks rather
of Kill-arney than Central Africa. These animals are very brave, and
always fight till they're dead; but seldom longer. The gorilla
makes a very affectionate husband and father, and not one of the
race has ever been known either to put his unfortunate son and heir
out to nurse, or even to expose it on a doorstep. Perhaps, however,
this last is principally owing to the absence.of doors in those parts.
Now, is this creature a relation or not ? We know there are men
who are monks, and why shouldn't there be men who are monkeys ?
Bat, as neither I nor anybody else can decide this question, I shan't
attempt to cozen you into accepting the gorilla as a man and a
brother. I've now told you all I know about the animal, and anybody
who wants to know any more had better go to Central Africa and
find out for himself. There is a collection at the 'door, and I shan't
leave the platform till 500 are in the plate."
A' comic song was then sung, and the meeting dispersed.
As we left, there were 2s. 4d. in the soup plate, all in copper, with
the exception of a single threepenny-bit; so it is much to be feared
that the reverend lecturer still adorns the platform.
A FREE PRESS FOR POLAND.
WE have startling news from the Austrian EMnPEROR'S dominions;
neither more nor less, in fact, than that at length the freedom of the
press is fully recognized! This is a change, indeed, from the old
system of press prosecution, rigid censorships, of warnings, fines,
admonitions, and suppressions inflicted on unhappy editors,-the
system for which Austria (especially in her Polish provinces) has
been so long notorious. But it is the case; we tave it so declared
frbm the -lips of no less an authority than the President of the
Criminal Court of Lemberg, the capital of the Polish province of
Gallicia; declared by him, moreover, officially, while seated in the
presidential chair-or presidential sofa, ottoman, or three-legged
stool, or whatever may be the Gallician equivalent for our own
magisterial bench.
Two Polish gentlemen were brought up before this court the other
day, the one being the author of an article displeasing to the Austrian
government, the other the editor of the newspaper in which the
said article was printed. (The reader is requested to bear in mind
that this is not the fact proving the freedom of the press in Poland.
We have not come to it yet.)
Well, in reading the report, we find "the sitting commenced by
the President of the court reading a great number of admonitions
and warnings that had been officially transmitted to the editor during
the few years of his paper's existence." (Have -patience, reader,
pray; even this is not the proof we have to adduce of thought being
free in Poland.)
The author acknowledged the article as his, the editor admitted
that it was inserted with his knowledge, but declared that he had
only glanced at it cursorily before sending it to the police for super-
vision, feeling sure that it would be prohibited if they found it to
contain anything objectionable." Whereupon, what said the Presi-
dent ? (Get ready, reader, it is coming!)
The President rejoined with an assertion that since the late circular
of the Minister of State, interference of the police with the press had
ceased !!"
There!
(Five minutes are allowed or the reader to recover hisbreath.)
The Austrian police no longer interfere with free discussion in
Polish journals. It is true the Public Prosecutor demanded that the
editor of the journal now prosecuted should be condemned in the highest
penalties the law allowed, on the express plea that the said editor was
"a. character of evil repute with the police;" it is true he also
demanded that the paper should be suppressed, and the 4,000 florins
deposited as caution money forfeited, and this because the "paper
had been so frequently subjected to fines and admonitions by the
police." It is true, moreover, that the editor and author were
imprisoned; that some, although not all, the caution money was
forfeited, and that by reason of the editor's incarceration, the paper
has ceased to be published. What then ? All this proves nothing.
Have we not the solemn assertion of the President from the judge
mcnt-seat, that the interference of the police with the press has
ceased ? Let, then, the lovers of free thought rejoice!
834
[ ~~_
I
OCTOBER 12, 1861.].
FU 1*N.
PAN AT THE PLAY.
SliHE now comedy of Playing with
Fire is a decided success, and de-
servedly so; for MR. BROUGHAM hlas
exhibited in it the not very frequently
associated qualities of a good writer
A and a clever constructor. The act-
ing of the piece is good throughout.
The MISSEs LECLERtQ are delightful;
SMss CARLOTTA always was so; and
RMiss RosE-we were very nearly
writing Moss ROSE-is rapidly ex-
panding into a fine .theatrical flower.
MR\ JORDAN is given somewhat to
the oracular style, indeed he may be
said to be too much jaw-dan; but
he is a gentleman and a sensible
.actor. On the whole the manager
may be congratulated on starting
his 'BROUGHAML. MR. BaYRON'S new
burlesque of Esmeralda; or, the
f"-Sensation" Goat, is not so good
-- -' as his Aladdin, 'but better than
f' t"'many of his pieces, and serves to
keep a crowded audience in roars
of laughter nightly. Miss FANNY
JOSEPIIS, as Essmeralda, sings, dances, and speaks charmingly.
Miss Burosn looks a splendid young guardsman, and Miss
KATE CARISON a radiant beauty. MIss MiARIE WILTON plays Pierre
Gringoire. *the post. with all the point and piquancy peculiar to
her, -..I 311 i. i.1 i;i. makes something out of a poor part. MassRs.
CLARKE aniRnGERss are capital. Nothing could be better than .the
grotesque .oimi-savage drollery of the former, and the quiet and
humourousintensity, of the latter. The make up of Claucle :rollo,. a
sketchof dwliiih 'illustrates our-itnicc, is inimitable. MR. TuaRNERiss
( )ital-ritih.- E, i...-' ';.-IT.i rt 1il MI 'ERANK 2iusGRAVE'S arrangement
of.themnusic--a great portion tof-which is his own composition-is
pedlifaly clever and effective. The Colleenu Bawn is going.on'"'in
the most remarkable manner. MR. BoucICAULT is making a fortune
out of his own headers; and as he must be continually paying in to
his account, it is pleasing to reflect that he goes as often to the bank
as from it, and he is not only saving a small Eily but a large fortune.
UP GOES THE DONKI! .
THt mantle of the late MR. RoBIss, the eminent auctioneer, has
fallen on very worthy shoulders, as .those of our readers will admit
who may have seen an advertisement in the Times of Thursday, the
27th nit., concerning the sale of the Manor of Morwick, in.Northum-
berland. MR. DONKIN, the auctioneer, thus describes.it:-
The Iorwick Estate.-That throne of the Graces, modelled.in the grandeur
of Nature, upon that fairest of streams,, the Coqlletl, and forming a panorama of
I ,,,, ... since sheltered the anchorite, and gave to local
Now, this is pretty well for.a beginning, but it is.literally commo.-
place compared to that which follows. By what process is a throne
modelled on a stream ? and .how does a panorama manage to shelter
an anchoritee? unless it be Burford's Panorama on, a very wet day.
But.road on:-
"The capacity which I.:. ,.-.,- -...: .... obr the enjoyment of'all.that
renders life delightful, p. .....i- 1.1 ..::r.:..Live to be fully delineated within
the limits of a general advertisement."
Good gracious DONKIN, yos don't call this a "general" adver-
tisement. Why, it is such a masterpiece as is seldom met with.
it ppers cien tia is nscrpton onstai mrx tios ro art i
The language of groves we should imagine io ibe decided Billings-
gate ; 1.. I tI,... r'rock was always remarkably cars ad personal
when addressed to Tipperary legatees; while the language of the
cavern mustof necessity be exceedingly low. Thle little bit about sur-
rounding objects "lending enchantment to the view," though slightly
suggestive of an oft-quoted line, is, on the whole, happy, while the
castle, articulating in broken accents the idiom of a forgotten
tongue," approaches so nearly to the sublime that it succeeds in
being at all events unintelligible. Decidedly the entire advertisement
is a marvellous piece of composition, and MR. DONKIxN has every
reason to be proud of it.
PROVISIONS OFA .LEASE.
r, HE following circumstance is too good to
--. .. be kept from our readers, more especially
-'-. since it.has the advantage of being no
-' ihm funny fiction, but.a serious truth. An
t' i opera .inger,-who for the tIoncel we will
call M[li. G(A;Uzz,-took a house on lease
S the other day, and with that charming
absence of anything like business hrI-
j jfr---1 ';' \ thought which is so strikingly chlare-
l. 7,i f., loristic of the artiat, be he musical,
I. dramatic, or literary, failed to examine
.the terms of the agreement, mnil he hIad
affixed his autograph and parsed the
rubicon. What was his consternation
S when he discovered that one of tho
.1 clauses contained the slightly emlbarrass-
S ing notification that the lessee of the
house. was to use the shop as a provi-
'" sionsshop,--as no other shop; certainly
S't a music shop, a stationer's shop, a
fancy millinery shop, or .any business
of a light and cleanly nature, to which
an artist might devote himself without
,,\ the chance of soiling his delicate hands;
,' :.; but as a ham and beef emporium, a
--_ _.. German sausage mart, a pork and peas-
.-iS e pudding pandemonium It was too
much for the enraged musician," who
wept, and tore his hair, and walked about amongst the constantly
increasing pile of York hams in a rabid manner, pitiable and
yet ludicrous to see. Of a truth, some men are born to ham and
beef, others achieve ham and beef, while a very few have ham and
beef thrust upon them. In one sense, we have had these articles
thrust upon -us; when dining, for instance, with over-hospitablo
Irishmen, or when waited on by clumsy attendants; but we certainly
never heard of "tho cut" and thrust being so pointedly given, as in
this melancholy musical instance. Only imagine hint striving to
devote himself to his business, but with the sad consciousness of
his entire unfitness for it ever before him! We can fancy the
unbusinesslike way in which he "serves his articles," not having
been apprenticed to the trade. It is easy to picture him serving out,
ham to a morceau from the Son-hanmbula; cutting it "not too fat,"
whistling the while an air from Lur-lcan; indulging in this magic
wove s-calf" when slicing the delicate fillet; and on being complained
to that the ham was "half cured," winding up with the overture to
Semi-remedy. Altogether the position of the deluded tenor is
anything but an enviable one; it is indeed, one of those cases in
which extremes meat.
HOW TO KICK UP A BREEZE.
tI appears from is. D. s description that this marvellous property s
actually able to enjoy itself. But what does it mean by simply pre- IN the programme of a recent concert at the Crystal Palace, we
senting "a field," when the heading of the advertisement says 733 met with the following startling line-
acres? MR. DONKIN thus'proceeds :- "When the wind blows-by desire !"
"With features of no ordinary stamp, their expression must be seen to he We were not previously aware that such a phenomenon ever took
admired-if not worshipped." place. When does the wind blow by desire ? I what terms of
These are not extraordinary features at all; most features have to coaxing or remonstrance must you address the wind in order to
be seen.to be admired. But recenons a notre DONKIN :- prevail upon it to blow by desire ? We should be glad to havo these
"The language of grove, of rock, of cavern, and of cascade will then be heard questions settled-not for our own sake, but that we might, confir a
in all the poetry of Natnt .i .... ..., -. 13 will lend enchantment to benefit upon the world at large. If we could only teach folks how to
the .view. War-kworh 1i r, I..... of Northnmberland-the "raise the wind" whenever they desired it, how many of our
ofi r.... .r Nc J I "' fL- burokcR accent the idiom the lesson
ofti t, hard-up fellow-creatures would have cause to bless us fot the lesson
_~~____~__
I
j33 F I I -. [OCTOBER 12, 1861.
if 1 11/ lift ltiI ii .'
II _I _
'I
fill ~ ~
LOOK AT HOME.
IN Fro. I. WE SEE SOMETHING WHICH DISGRACES THE STREETS OF PARIS. VERY GOOD! BUT ARE THE OBJECTS DEPICTED
IN FIG. II. ORNAMENTAL TO THOSE SAME STREETS?
PARIS FASHIONS FOR OCTOBER.
(According to the Times.)
Now that our countrymen and countrywomen are flocking into the
French capital in droves, we are enabled to give a brief sketch of the
prevailing smodes as displayed upon the persons of our fellow-subjects
before the eyes of the Parisians.
In gentlemen's costume we have principally to notice the pantalon
( la Billy Barlow. The garment is made loose to the figure, the
knees very much projecting in front, giving an elegant baggy appear-
ance; in one respect it may be looked on as a revival of the old
Elizabethan style, being "slashed" in various places; the bottoms of
the legs are fringed all round aux chiffons, allowing the boot to be
seen. The boot itself, known as the solventt savetd," is of a dull
brown lino, onamented with irregular patches 4 discretion. Coats are
much worn, especially at the elbows. Shirts couleur de tabac a priser,
with collars de la semaine passe, are all the rage. Wristbands are
worn (if at all) doubled back out of sight. Gloves remain on the
hands of the dealers, instead of on those of the public. In hats we
have the "chapcan du roulicr chantant," or "warbling waggoner"
head-dress; the "tris mauvais," or "shocking bad;" the "bien-edveilld,"
or wide-awake;" the Guillot-le-coq," or Billycock;" the "usd,"
tho "jcrasi," the "sans-poil," and a host of others. In gentlemen's
dress generally we notice a startling variety of colours, and a charming
effect is produced by the discarding of that monotonous gloss, insepa-
rable from new broad-cloth, which once shone over the whole figure,
and the artistic substitution of isolated shining spots (picking out the
high-lights as it were), a result we believe chiefly produced by variously
situated dabs of grease.
In ladies' dress the robe 4 draggletail is very fashionable upon the
Boulevards. Bonnets d la Saircy Gamp, chaussures i la Tilly Slow-
boy, and pattens d la blanchisseuse, mako up the tout ensemble of our
English belles when out of doors.
For evening costume, for the theatre, the opera, or the concert, the
principal novelties are, for gentlemen, corduroy pantalons, velveteen
shooting-jackets, Belcher handkerchiefs wound round the neck in a
charming neglige manner, cab-drivers' overcoats, and hob-nailed
Blucher boots. For ladies, either washed-out print dresses, or faded
silks, that ought to have been given to the poor, or (if ready money
be an object) sold to the old-clothes-man months before, are considered
Ie fromage.
The correspondent of the Times, who favours us with this informa-
tion of how the English dress abroad, has not yet seen a London
leader of fashion driving a donkey-slant along the Rue de Rivoli and
smoking a short clay pipe; nor have we yet heard of a lady patroness
of Almack's being discovered taking home the washing. But some
days yet will elapse before these lines are before the public, and who
can tell what will occur by then ? Should any such discovery as those
we have alluded to be revealed before our number is published, we
shall, regardless of expense, stop the press to give the full and further
particulars.
A HAPPY BAND.
WE see a song advertised bearing the title'of "The Cheerful
Drum." We understand it will be immediately followed by The
Light-hearted Penny Whistle;" The Happy-go-lucky Ophecleido;"
"The Contented Clarionet;" The Benignant Bassoon;" The
Delighted Double-bass ;" The Frisky Fiddle;" The Well-to-do-
Cornet;" The Slightly Elevated Cymbals;" and The Intoxicated
Bagpipes."
PUR-BLIND.-A newly-born kitten.
OCTOBER 12, 1861.] IN"_. 41
Young Artist:-" MY PIPE DON'T DRAW."
Dry old ditto:-" PERHAPS IT NEVER WAS TAUGHT."
Young Artist:--"ALL RIGHT! BUT YOU SEE IT COLOURS, WHY NOT
DRAW ?"
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted. (for the first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. a-THE BALLAD: OFPLORD BATEMAN.
L'Ra BATERAAN;was a noble lord,
A noble lord: of high degree,
A neost distinguished member of
The-Biitish aristocracy.
He bought a yacht; he thought it was
"The pwoper sort of thing, said he;
He called himself the Skippa," andl
He dressed himself like COOKE, T. P.
lie sailed east, he sailEd west,
Till he arrived at proud Turkee,
Where he was seized and made a slave
By some coarse rovers of Sallee.
They threw him into prison, were,
With the exception of a tree,
There wasn't anything at all
But toads to keep him company.
It seems the Grand Turk had a daughter,
Very fair indeed was she,
And she brought his bread and water,
To LORD B. diurnally.
She stole her parent's bunch of-keys,.
And lot out from his cell LORD B.
And when her pa ond out the theft,.
Ile also let out" dreadfully.
Oh, have you houses, have you lands,
And'is Northumberland," says she,
"Asyou have often, often told me,
Half of it your property "
" Oh, yes. it is, lv Jovre. lhir danisel,
Full half Nortlhumberlnd's countth
Is mine,-or, w:1ther, yours, if out of
Prison you will set me fwee."
And then she filled the sparkle ing wi-cnp,
Said,-" May the present lmonent be
The worst of our lives,- oh, my lord, I
Wish that I was LADY B.
I promise you for seven years I
Remain will in celibacce,
If you likewise will promise not to
Wed with any one but 1me."
Then she took him to the harbour,
Where a vessel fit for sea
She'd had ready, Don't forget your
Promises, my lord,'' said she.
Now seven years had passed and gone,
When this young lidy slid, said she,
"As dear papa Ihas died a bankrupt
And no one doth propose to ome;
I think I'll go to merry England,
Yes, I'll cross the foaming sea,
And I'll call and tell LoaR BATiMAN
That I've just dropped in to tea."
Who's there ? exclaimed a haughty flunkey,
"Why are you disturbing mir
Folks like you should know their station,
And come down the front airce."
"Please, is this Loun B.\ATEMAN'S castle ?"
Which it is, decidedly ;
With his bride we now lihxpect him,
Evans why its arf-past three."
What! his bride my compliments, thon,
Give to him, and say it's me;
Say I'm a young lady who has
Just popped in from proud Turkee."
Then-the flunkey sought his master,
With a. quivering lip and knee,
"Please,.my lord, there's a young 'ooman
Standing there in the lob-bee,
Who declares she's come from Tuckoy."'
Cries LORD BATEMAN, Goodness mo !-
If my wife should come across her,
There will be a great shiude."
Here, the bride's agreeable mother,
Flew into the room ; said she,
"'Choose,between these ladies, BATEMAN,
Which is LADY B: to be P "
Poor LORD BATEMAN felt, as low folks
Do express it, up a tree,"
Rather than promote disturbance,
WlV, I'll take 'cm both," said he.
"Monster! cried the young bride's mother;
Cruelmonster, don't you see,
If you went and took another,
That it would be bigamy P"
"Then, if that's the case," his lordship
Said; "I'll true and faithful be,
To my first love." Cries the mother,
The indelicate hussee !
Hortense, go and pack my boxes;"
Hortense, pleased to go, said, Oui;"
And went screeching as she packed them
In defiance,," Do, re, mi !"
Then LonD BATEMAN sought SOPIA;,
And upon his bended knee,
Asked her to forgive him for his
Most ungrateful memory.
And Strub A, being tallish,
Overlooked his perfidee;
They were married and no doubt will
Have a blooming tfmilec.
But the first wife's brought an action,
Which will come on speedilee,
And I hear she's put her case in-
to the hands of SERJEArNT SIIEE.
IF iN.
[OCTOBER 12, 1861.
and boys, the old boys have no place exclusively devoted to their
THE OLD BOYS' PLAYGROUND. amusement, and, at the risk of being considered an old pump, I
venture to suggest the establishing of an old boys' playground,
To the Editor of FUN. where the sports of our childhood may be gleefully indulged in,
SR,--I beg to "ventilate" (abominable n e-fangled word), for the where we may recall the pleasurable excitement of infant days,
benefit of the elderly readers of FuN, a notion which I think you will where the proudest amongst us shall not consider it derogatory
admit is an original and a good one. I, Sir, belong to that class of to "knuckle down," and where the almost forgotten joys of pegtops,
respectable individual that goes out regularly at ten o'clock to his leap-frog, tip-cat, and marbles may be again experienced and revelled
office, takes his chop and glass of sherry as the clock strikes one, in. I am aware that this proposition is a bold one, but, I believe it
and goes home by the 'bus at half-past five. I am, in short, engaged will be gladly taken up by many, and those who have sufficient moral
in business in the city; I have a baldish head, a large shirt-collar, a courage to admit their possession of an unextinguishable affection for
pair of eye-glasses, and my waistcoats begin to require extension. "prisoners' base," and a lingering love for toffee, will please to com-
You have seen me, no doubt, many times, and recognized in me the municate with, Sir, yours truly,
original PATERFAMILIAS of private life. Now, Sir, I am a man of few BoY tooD.
words, and I will at once come to the point. While London is deluged P.S. I enclose a picture of the Agapemone for old gentlemen, as
with entertainments and places of healthful resort for men, women, it will probably appear.
i(-
r1 I ;!| N_ --
.' L _______
4' 1 ii : 1 ^ ,
I -I-- -J i
THE OLD BOYS' PLAYGROUND.
THE BALANCE OF POWER.
WE see by an advertisement in the Times that MR. PEPPER, the
popular manager of the Polytechnic Institution, intends giving a
lecture on the Art of Balancing, "explaining the principles on which
BLONDIN and LEOTARD perform their wonderful feats." This looks
as if the Polytechnic was really on the high ropes, and intended
going on a totally different line. It appears, however, that the
lecture has been postponed through the unavoidable absence of a
" curious mechanical figure," which is not completed. The difficulty
experienced by bankers' clerks, treasurers, and others of the same
stamp, in balancing, proceeds generally from the unwarrantable con-
duct of some figure or other which refuses to appear when wanted.
We suppose the present one will,-like the agent of the Niagara
hero,-bo carried over."
WhIEN is a commercial traveller insolent to the fair sex ?-When
he drives a gal-away.
ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS.
THE following advertisement appeared in a leading newspaper of
October the 1st:-
"Man and wife, with a single lady or gentleman; man to drive a horse and
chaise and a small garclen; wife good plain cook; four years' good character."
This is a most ambiguous advertisement. What is the meaning of
a "man to drive a horse and chaise and a small garden?" The
position of the single lady or gentleman, too, seems to be undefined,
and the advertiser leaves one in great doubt whether the four years'
good character applies to the wife, or both. In the same paper,
oddly enough, appears the following :-
To be Let, well furnished, at Forest Hill, near the station, a house containing
three sitting-rooms, five bed-rooms, two kitchens, necessary offices and garden.
It is very evident that there is something new in gardens" tl:at
we are at present ignorant of. Here in one advertisement we read ui
the possibility of a garden being driven about, and in another of a
garden in-doors! What does it mean ? MR. GLENNY, we appeal to
you; clear up this horticultural mystery, and set us at rest.
London; Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Ofoe, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, October 12th, 181.
--
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--
a
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OCTOBER 19, 1861.]
FUilT.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE FIFTH.
THE other great event of the Heroic Age was the Trojan war, all
accounts of which should be received with many scruples, as they
are none of them of very great troy weight. The cause of this
disastrous event was PARIS, who, like the city of the same name, was
continually in a state of ferment. His father, PRI A, having been
forewarned as to the pleasant prospect in store for him, was most
anxious to get his Paris kid off his hands, and ordered a slave to put
him out of the way, which the slave did, by exposing PARIS on mount
Ida, and himself to considerable danger in case of discovery. Some
peasants, finding him at the bottom of the hill, kindly brought him
up. Having, at a grand exhibition of beauty, awarded the palm to
VENUS, that goddess, in return, gave him her hand, and promised
him the loveliest woman in the world as a fair reward for his
discrimination. Though terribly blown up by the other two
goddesses, he felt considerably inflated with VENUs's promise, and
shortly after left his pa to go to Sparta, where HELEN-the result of
that extraordinary game of "follow my LEDA" which JUPITER had
once played-was residing with'her husband MENELAUS. If it be true
that HELEN really sprang from an egg, we have no doubt that her
husband would have counselled the parent to as nmamn lay as possible.
PARIs pretended at Lacedomon that he had crossed the Mare to
sacrifice to A-POLL-O, and MENELAUS received him kindly, but soon
found how, alas, a demon he had cherished. In MENELAUS's absence
PARIS carried on dreadfully, and eventually carried off HEr.E. to
TROY, which her husband, on his coming back, stigmatized as an
ungrateful return. As all HELEN's rejected suitors had bound them-
selves to protect her in case of violence, MENELA s found that,
though considerably affronted, lie was exceedingly well backed, and
immediately commenced that wonderful campaign which has fur-
nished Ho3ERi with a theme for a mighty poem, and our gifted artist
an opportunity of showing his powers of carrying out his Lowther-
Arcadian conceptions. The Greeks, having in vain attempted to
destroy the walls, but having only been able to claim the title of
army razors by cutting away occasionally very sharply, and being
altogether too well fed and fat to go to scale, came at last to the con-
clusion that as the walls were not to be got over, they had better devote
themselves to an attempt to get over the inhabitants. Acting on
this notion, they gave a sort of Wood-in entertainment for man and
beast; that is to say, they cut down all the fir-trees they could find,
and took to horse-dealing, by building up a gigantic animal with a
hollow inside to carry a thousand men. This they sent as a com-
pliment to the bravery of the gallant defenders. The horse was
taken in by the Trojans, and the Trojans were taken in by tlie horse,
for they soon discovered that the compliment was certainly not anl
empty one-in fact, that the gigantic horse was, after all, only a lilly.
As soon as the animal was within the walls, the Greeks came out
very strong, and finished Troy that very week. Troy was des-troyed
four hundred and eight years before the first Olympiad, in the throo
thousand five hundred and thirtieth year of the JULIAN period, on the
night of the eleventh of June, eleven hundred and eighty-fnur years
before the Christian Era. There, we like to be particular in dates,
and to avoid anything resembling confusion.
A PRESENT FOlt PRIAf.
SLAlfIES' BEWARE!--We have a211 since the days of SIIAKSPEARE, Wir is a man who looks sharply after his children not fit for the
implicitly believed that "we know not what we may be;" but present age ?-Because he's two eyes for his.gencration. ('hiscon-
modern chemistry has proved pretty satisfactorily to us-and more tributor's case is coming on shortly, when we shall prosecute hli
especially to the ladies-that we are sometimes rather uncertain as with the utmost rigour of the oh, law!)
to what we wear., TIT, FA[ILY HEIRALD."-The "monthly nurse."
VOL. T. F
~
iJF U N.
[OCTOBER 19, 1861.
-.' '--- .7-- -- 'i'-m-
-- -' --. I-_ ,,- "---- ... --
?_ F. -
114 : !'-'-_ .. --t -i"
__ Ir
-- 6;
l~
0:F COTuTISE I
Lorqrtil'ir Rici.clls lllU :--IT'S ABSURD TO CALL IT EIGHTEEN PENCE A FELLOW WHO HAS DRIVEN ABOUT TOWN FOR YEARS
OUGHT TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT CAB FARES, I SUPPOSE!"
TOUCHSTONE'S TELEGRAMS.
Frioi, AntllA Il. LINCOLN, President, Washington, America, to
GUISEPIPE GARIBALDI, Caprera, Europe.
"Como out and lick them for me. Dollars no object."
Frli, GCUISEPPE GrAR[IIAIAI to ABlRAIIAM LINCOIL
There is no placo like Rome."
Fr'om VIScOUNT PALMERSTON to COUNT PERSIGNY, Vichy.
How are you ? "
From- COUNT PERSIGNY to VISCOUNT PALMERSTON.
Quit well. Merely a diplomatic indisposition, on account of
those Italian follows. Don't toll RUSSELL. He is so unmanageably
truthful."
Fi~,en TrIowAs TOTTEMr'UP, JUNIOR, Calf;s fread, Shri rrpVille, to THOMAS
TOTTEMUP, SENIOR, Cheapside.
"Dear Father,-Please be good enough to send me 10 directly.
PiERKiNs can bring it by the 3'30."
From ToIOMAS TOTTEMUP, SENIOR, to THOMAS TOTTEMUP, JUNIOR.
'PEKINS shall do nothing of the sort."
F'rot TIHOAS TOTTEMUP, JUNIOR, to MRS. TOTTEMUP, Verdlat Villa,
Peckham.
My Dearest Mother,-How are you ? Well, I hope. Please send
me 15 directly. PERKIxs can bring it by the 7-40."
From MRS. TOTTEMIUP to T. TOTTEOIUP, Esq., aclf's Head, Shritmpville.
My Darling Boy,-1 have sent PERKINS with 20. Don't forget
your respirator. Bless you!"
From MR. MORTON, Cagterbury Hall, to the REV. C. H. SPURGEON.
"Will you come and lecture at the Canterbury? Only one turn a
night. Your own terms. Nobody in the comic line against you but
SAM CowtLL and the inimitable MACKNEY."
Frone the REV. C. H. SPURGEON to MR. MORTON, Canterbury Hall.
I never share. While COWELL and MACKNEY are in your bills, I
could not think of making an engagement with you. When they are
gone, shall be most happy."
Friom PADDY GREEN, EvANS's, Covent-garden, to the REV. C. H.
SPURGEON, Tabernacle.
"Couldn't we do something together ? My waiters should pay
you every respect and attend to you properly. If it would suit, like
[ELR VON JOEL, you could always be retained on the establishment."
From the REV. C. H. SURGEON to P. GREEN, EsQ.
Name your terms."
PUMPKIN SQUASH.-A great deal of fuss has been lately made at
Paris about the promenade of the King of the Pumpkins." In point
of time the promenades of A MELLON, in Covent Garden, were a long
way before it, and we have got the PYNE besides to come.
_F ITN.
AESOP'S LION AND PRUSSIA'S LAMB.
~-LL
---~ .
-~_~__.~
~
--- -C
--
----
~.------
HE WHO RUNS MAY READ.
A LIVE red Indian-a species of Transatlantic scarlet-runner-is in England, beating all our
native pedestrians into fits. On his first appearance a spectator observed: Here's a pod
trying' to beat us English. I suppose now we shall see some ped-anter trick or other." He is of
the tribe of the Senecas, or we might almost say Senna-cas, such a strong dose has he proved
to many of his opponents; while, from the money they have lost, he has received the name of
DEARFOOT. Being used to the woods, he can of course cut along without being ax-hausted; his
pace is that of an accommodation bill or a runaway engine.
Last week this child of the forest ran a twelve-mile race at Dublin, when he succeeded in
doubling his previous reputation. Like an Arctic traveller, he quickly got over the laps. His
opponents were two men named MILLS and LEVITT. Without indulging in unnecessary Icvit-y,
LEVITT soon lev-it clear to every person that he could not win, having lost his wind. MILLS,
however, like CUPID, though very little, proved uncommonly strong, and ran till the eleventh
mile,-a clear proof of his naturally wide-awake disposition, as he was unable to run a doze-in,
and the Indian won. After the race he bore a great resemblance to a pant-her, and it was
remarked that he was suffering from that complaint that has proved fatal in so many cases-
want of breath. It is reported that he is as much at home in the water as on dry land, and
when in that element his affairs go on swimmingly. Although not possessed of much floating
capital, yet he is a capital floater, thoroughly understanding how to keep his head above water.
In spite of his victories, we bear this conquering savage no malice, and sincerely hope he may
never be called upon to outrun the constable, and discover the difference between goal and
gaol.
MAKE THE BEST USE OF IT, THEN.-Beginning a new ten years of life is like changing half a
sovereign: the silver soon goes.-The Bachelor of Forty.
A POEM ON TIlE llNT "-TERROGA-
TIVE SYSTEM.
Br oiUR POET or PROGRESS.
WVi ..-.' ... 1 1., .. .king questions,
S ..., i ...' *.i .d sages say,
Lit. .I, i.. i ti .- suggestions,
Teach us how to ask our way.
If inquiring where responses,
You will get in point or pun,
Want to know what's sure to answer,
In a word we tell you-Fux.
Who shall map the mind's dominion,
Fix for all the mental line ?
You, of course, have your opinion,
So you should have- I have mine ;
Yet some things we all agree on,
Let .. .i.. ..... the subject run,
Only I 1,,.L i .. or threo on,
Which are regularly done.
Of the nation's welfare heedful,
If our party does what's right,
Is it for the other needful,
All it does to thwart and blight ?
Is the only way to prosper,
Down the other set to run ?
I don't think it, you don't think it,
Both don't think it,-but it's done.
Are those wordy, windy leaders,
Which some papers put in print,
Ever read by any readers,
Getting thence a, useful hint ?
Does that politician tremble,
For whom that web of words was spun?
I don't think it, you don't think it,
He don't think it,-yet it's done.
Villains in transpontine dramimer,"
Always when they take the stage,
Heads and hands ,. I1.. hanuner,
Nailing victims I. I .. .. rage.
B u t 1 .. .. .... 1 .1. .. ,
M u I .,.' ,, 1,1.:.,, r... .....
I don't think it, you don't think it,
No one thinks it,-yet it's done.
In that wondrous world dramatic,
When the comic man: appears,
Must his wink be so emphatic,
Just as it has been for years ?
Should we get, if true to nature,
Out of winks and wigs our tim ?
I don't think it, you don't think it,
No one thinks it,-yet it's done.
Supping with the Sons of Folly,"
Songs and health in turn prevail,
Voices shriek for lie's a jolly,"
Blended in a, chorus stale;
Does that make us more convivial,
More good fellows every one ?
I don't think it, you don't think it,
No one thinks it,-yet it's done.
You and I meet friends I.. ,
After how dy'e do is said,
Isn't then tho sort of weather,
Subject of discussion 11lnde ?
Do we want the information,
How the present day begun ?
I don't think so, you don't think so,
Neither think so,-yet it's done.
What an odd world this we live in,
Thought that often has occurred,
Iow to all its ways we give in,
C-ii .. know are most absurd.
Bui .1 ask what inmprovemont,
ri ,, ,11 bring, 1 answer none,
I don't think it, you don't think it,
No one thinks it,-so I've done.
EXTRAORDINARY ACCIDENT ON TlHE EASTERN
CouNTIEs LINE.-The Norwich train, which
was advertised, a few days ago, to reach London
at a certain hour, actually did so !
60
FU TJN.
SCENE AT A LATE MEETING.
SWORD EXERCISE FOR THE STREETS OF
LONDON.
So alarmingly have the perils of pedestrian locomotion in the crowded thorough-
fares of our great metropolis increased of late, that we have deemed it our duty
to draw up a few rules for self-preservation, by means of which any person, armed
with a good stout walking-stick, may possibly walk the London streets without
endangering life or limb; may hope to return home at night after a whole day's
perambulation of the city, taking back with him the ordinary number of eyes
allotted by bounteous nature to humanity, finding himself in possession of the
precise quantity of teeth with which he started in the morning; with ribs un-
broken, shins uninjured, and his abdominal regions unpunctured by sharp umbrella-
spikes. The plan whereby we would have the pedestrian guard himself from
the dangers that surround him, is a modification of the broad-sword exercise,-or
perhaps we should say, considering the weapon of defence we suggest to carry
out the plan,-rather a modification of the good old English game of single-stick.
The weapon, or walking-stick, should be firmly grasped in the right hand in a
manner which will allow full and fair play to the wrist, as upon the ready action
of the wrist the success of the manoeuvres we are about describing will mainly
depend. We now proceed to give the different guards.
FIRST GUARD.--T0 prevent the loss of an eye by its being knoclced out by an enemy
.i front of you.-This guard, we need not say, is a most important one, and as the
mode of attack intended to be provided against is a very common device of the
enemy (who is generally a respectably dressed old gentleman, most likely some-
thing on the Stock Exchange), it may be as well to describe the attack itself,
before giving instructions how to meet it. The enemy walking somewhat rapidly
along a few paces in front of you, carries a sharp-pointed umbrella beneath his
arm, inclined upwards at an angle of between thirty and forty-five degrees, an
inclination which it will be found on calculation brings the ferule in a direct line
with the eye of any person following some two or three yards behind. When both
parties have so far got into swing that a regular pace is established, and the
same distance is continuously preserved between them, the old gentleman in front
abruptly stops on the pretence either of having met a friend, or of setting his
watch by the church clock.. The person following, being unprepared for this
I
[OCTOBER 19, 1861.
sudden manoeuvre, keeps on his pace, and, as a natural
consequence, receives the point of the enemy's umbrella
in the right or left eye, as the case may be. Now for the
guard, which we call No. 1, or the "mind-your-eye"
movement:-From the moment that the intention of the
enemy is perceived, raise your stick over your right
shoulder, carrying it in the same position as that in
which dragoon regiments hold their drawn swords prepa-
ratory to going into action. Then, keeping your eye
firmly fixed upon the enemy's umbrella, you may, by a
dexterous sweep, delivered the moment he slackens
speed, beat down his point effectually. If, in proceeding
to "recover arms," you should fetch the old idiot a back-
hander on the nose, as he naturally turns round to see
what's happened, so much the better; it serves him
right. Don't apologize, but bow coldly and pass on.
SECOND GuARD.-Prepare to receive Crinoline.-The
terrible practice, recently become so prevalent amongst
the so-called "gentle" sex, of wearing heavy hoops of
iron attached to the bottom of their dresses-which
hoops set in motion by the "wobbling" gait universally
adopted by their wearers, threaten fearfully to mascu-
line shins-renders a correct and practical knowledge of
this guard vitally essential to all who value their shin-
bones. On the first symptom of danger hold your stick
in the position generally known as the fifth guard of the
broad-sword exercise; the right arm being extended
well across the chest, the knuckles turned inwards, and
the point of your weapon directed downwards. Then,
as the enemy comes alongside, by rapidly lowering your
arm, grasping your weapon firmly the while, and turn-
ing the point slightly outwards, you may effectually
parry the otherwise fearful blow, the full force of the
concussion being expended on the stick, which we have
premised must be a stout one, instead of your receiving
it on the highly sensitive portion of your anatomy
which we have already indicated. Should the attacking
party turn round on you when thus defeated, and ask
you "if you consider yourself a gentleman ?" bear in
mind this is a free country, where no person is bound to
criminate himself, and where no compulsory declaration
of one's private thoughts or opinions is recognized. Bdw
coldly, as in the former case, and pass on.
THIRD GUARD.-To parJr the back-swinging thrust.-
The mode of attack, as well as the guard which we have
to describe under this head, closely resembles those
spoken of under "Guard No. 1," only the attack being
directed at a portion of the body lower down (somewhere
about ilere our dinners are popularly, though erro-
neouslyy,'Fpposed to be deposited, in fact), a slight modi-
fication in the defence adopted becomes requisite. The
attack is made by means of a pointed stick; or, as in
the former case, an umbrella, which is carried horizontally
in the enemy's right hand. By a violent swinging of the
arm in walking, the weapon is made to describe a series
of dangerous thrusts in the direction of the abdominal
regions belonging to any person walking behind. The
sixth guard of the ordinary broad-sword exercise will
successfully parry this kind of thrust; and as the mode
of attack adopted is, unlike the others we have spoken of,
so palpably and unmistakably aggressive, you may, in
this case, pass on without bowing.
There are numerous other guards which it would be
well for the city pedestrian to practise; as, for instance,
to shield the head from collision with a plank carried on
the shoulder of a labourer; to guard against a heavy
sun-blind suddenly being let down upon you from a.
tradesman's shop-front; or a shutter suddenly thrust
up at you through the pavement; or to protect the
eyes from the little spikes on the circumference of um-
brellas when carried open by a passer by on a rainy day
(which spikes, though less dangerous than the ferrule at
the end of the same highly offensive weapon, are, to
say the least, annoying). We could, in fact, fill a whole
number with instructions for self-preservation in these
cases, but we refrain. We have already given quite
enough for a first lesson.
WHAT science do charity-boys represent ?-Free-know-
ledg-y.
OCTOBER 19, 1861.]
FUN T.
_FLOWERC GARDEN.-Root up chrysanthemums and everything tllat
I I' ,, I'' i'' you've planted in the previous month. Paint your geraniums witl your
_i__ '', '- favourite colour in oils. Uncover all your choicest plants. There wiln
__--_ .z probably be a frost at night, this will save you a great deal of trouble.
____-_1-- KITCiHEN GARDE.-Dig a trench near your lettuces, and lie in wvit for
-.-"1'I' .. I caterpillars. You should be dressed in black, and cover your thee and
- r_- "-_-j = hands with soot or blacking, so you will more easily escape detection.
-- (N.B. Take care to wash before going out for a walk with your betrotlled.)
I,'l l l I '--- If you have nothing better to do, get over the wall and hoe somebody else's
S cucumber frames until they are broken: take advantage of the opening to
5i'I I'rll ii I' : extract whatever may be inside. Eat your neighbours' apples, but don't
I'11 ili complain to him if they are not ripe. Sow mustard and cress with a view
li r' _- to a shady retreat next summer.
,. : Il. l, PAN AT THE PLAY.
BEHIND THE SCENES.
ALMANACK AND DIARY FOR OCTOBER.
ASTRONOMICAL NOTICES.
The MooN-the man in it having failed to pay his Last Quarter, there
will be an entirely New Moon. On view by season tickets for the
month, to be obtained at FuN Office.
SuN rises-we are not at liberty to say at what hour, as he does not like
being seen when getting up and a-dawning himself.
13th of the Month. Shooting stars take out their licences.
15th ,, Fight for the Championship of Ireland. O'Rion's
belt will be given to the victor.
ASTROLOGICAL NOTICES.
No change in the aspect of heavenly bodies since LORD JOHN entered
the Upper House.
OCTOBER.
1 Tir Day after To-morrow. Old Style.
2 W FuN comes out. General Holiday.
3 Til Read your number with great attention, and write a note of
thanks (prepaid) to the Editor.
4 F Otter hunting commences in Leicester-square.
o S Charge of the Shoe-black Brigade-one penny.
6 Z No bands allowed inthe parks-but banns a loud in church.
7 M Day after Sunday.
8 Tu Somebody's birthday.
9 WV FUN comes out. The canons of St. Paul's will be fired at
intervals d... 1.. I1. .1,
10 Tir Fight for the I: ',.... ... I,, of the World-open to everybody.
11 F Total eclipse of the Sun, visible only at the FuN Office.
12 S Excitement in literary and dramatic circles and dress circles;
HesR VON JOEL first time as Hamlet. lago, M3R. GREEN,
at EVANs's.
13 5 Meditate on the fact that life is short, but in three days' time
there will he a new number of FUN : supported by this
great thought, get somebody to ask you to dinner, and be
happy.
14 M3 National Gallery open for rifle practice.
15 TI William the Conqueror landed "in the Strand." Blue fire.
16 VV FUN comes out stronger than ever.
N. N no occasion do I remember a character
-'I 'identified with one particular book or
play being continued in another form in
another book or play with real success.
rl I Sam Weller and Mr. Pickwick, so charmi-
ing in their original quarters, when
removed to Taster lHumiplircey's Clock,
become a couple of uninteresting nonen
S titles; so it is with Paul Pry ll~arric,
aun Settled. It is a mistake, i3r.
T rMATTIEWS. PPaut was never meant icr
//matrimony ; nd the sooner, being mar-
ried, lie is settled-on the shelf-the
better for all parties. As I lavo not,
-been able to seo MR. EnDwN BOOTH, I
can. say nothing as to my own opinion,
but I met a brother tragedian who saw
S him on the first night, arid he said ho
was not good at all. As, however,
actors' opinions regarding other actors
are not to be always, relied on, I shall take an early opportunity and
an orchestra stall, and judge for myself.
When The Colleen Bacovn does die, it will be, T should say, from that
somewhat general complaint of want of breath, for such an in-
paralleled "run" would knock up a DEERFOOT. Talking of IEEt-
FooT, one naturally thinks of the Octoroon, a version of which I sliall
attempt to give, after my own fashion, as soon as IThe Colle',n :(,i'n
is Colleen dead. I am no prophet, but shall be much mistaken if it
prove not a "sensation" success.
The doors of the St. James's are again in full swing, and M i.
and Mus. ALFRED WIGAN, that incomparablo pair, are to the fore.
MR. PALGRAVE SIMPSON'S charming comedy of IThe Srrap of Paper
affords a real treat to those who care for something bettor than puns
or parodies, though puns and parodies are very good things in their
way, and when they are not in the way of better things. MR. Win.N
has greatly strengthened his company by engaging MR. and Mits.
FRANK MATTHEWS and TMR. GEO;RGE VINING. MR. WrIAN, nlst
season, feeling that he had a good entertainment, gallantly stuck to it,
and did not fall into that frequent managerial error of chopping and
changing his bill weekly. The result was, I believe, satisfactory, ind
under his management I feel convinced that supposedly luckless
property, the St. James's Theatre, must establish itself firmly as one
of the most genial and elegant of west-end attractions. The Sih,,
*under another name, cleaned up and decorated in such a manner that
it surely cannot know itself, is to open on Mornday. This is sad news
for the amateur Othellos and Macbeths who have been -I, ,II;,. alnd
fretting-not only their hours upon the stage, but their friends in
front-for so many years. Where will they go? What will they do with
themselves? Will they not congregate nightly in the scene of their
former triumphs, and drop tears of :,...1 and regret over
MDLLE. DI RiONA'S silk velvet cushions Ichy have now dis-
covered how true it is that life is but a "walking gentleman,"-I
mean "shadow," "a poor player,"-in most of their cases, a very
poor player, indeed. Their brief candle (short sixes-one, two, three,
over; one, two, three, under) is out for over; there will be no wmoro
tales told by the idiots, they will be full of "sound and fury," but
they will, alas! "signify nothing."
Short anl Soeet, at the Strand, is Howi do yov, Mcaigo ? rewritimi.
It is a capital farce, and is well acted by 3MESDAi.MES (MRSON anil
BUiFTON (who in their riding hats and habits look a charming pair of
pretty heartbreakers) and MEssRs. CLAMRKe and HRoi(.s. Esmerald",
greatly improved by repetition, is a regular Strand success, which
means a piece that crowds the theatre with hilarious audiences for a
hundred nights.
F U TN.
52
', -, -- .. :
Feeble Old Party :-"Hi 'ERE, YOUNG MAN! DO YOU GO TO CHELSEA ?"
Omnibus Conductor:-" Go ox, BILL! THE YOUNG LADY VANTS TO GO TO CREAM3-ORNE "
[OCToBER 19, 1861.
A POSER.
THE Paris corres-
pondent ofa dailypaper
informs us that-
"The French Academy
proposes to give a special 1
prize of 3,000f. for the best
essay on the following sub-
ject: 'The necessity of con-
ciliating, in the critical
history of literature, the
improved sentiment of
taste and the principles of
tradition with the learned
researches and historic
intelligence of the genius
of different peoples.'"
If the essay, when
written, is anything
like as comprehensible
as the title of the sub-
ject suggested by the
learned Academy, we
should imagine itwould
be remarkably pleasant
reading; and certainly
will, for anything we
can understand to the
contrary, furnisha very
valuable addition to the
world's present stock
of information.
A YOUTHFUL INDIS-
CRETION.-What is the
difference between
spermaceti and a
schoolboy's howl ? -
One is the wax pro-
duced by the whale,
and the other is the
wail produced by the
whacks.
As ErpTyv HoNoun.
-The vacant garter.
A DEED OF GILT.
GREAT preparations, we are told, are being made in Berlin to cole-
brate the entrance of the king into that city; the town council, the
guilds, the corporations, and other bodies,-are determined to spare no
expense. As an example we read that-
The goldsmiths will gild twenty of their apprentice. fr)om-cad to foot, to appear
il tlhe procession as living specimens of their art. A few days ago, atameeting
of their corporation, a boy of this unequalled resplendency was presented as a
sample for the inspection of the masters, who were forthwith lost in ecstacies at
the achievement."
This is certainly a novelty in goldsmiths' work; we could under-
stand the illustrious fraternity of chimney-sweeps sending a score of
their apprentices to walk in the procession covered from head to foot
with tho article upon which they exercise their black are; we could
comprehend twenty bakers' lads appearing in the flour of their
youth ; or a party oS dyers showing themselves in the proper colours
of their dire vocation,-their hands, lhces, garments, everything being
of the "hues" which we may call their second nature." But-
To gild (more or less) refined goldsmiths! "
This certainly passes our comprehension. Perhaps after all this
score of gilded apprentices may only be a playful figure ofspeech. If
Sso, and it' woe may take tie wealthy goldsmiths as a specimen by
which tojudgo the rest, there is no such lavish outlay after all. Are
we to understand that the Goldsmiths' Company have decided upon
spendingjust twenty pounds sterling, and no more, upon the delon-
stration P? It is anot much; inel'act, it seems rather shabby in them.
And yet in no other way can we understand the statement that their
vast wealth will be represented on the occasion by exactly twenty
yellol,-bo!is.
Tx what street do the London dogs rest themselves the most?-
Cur-sitter Street.
PAT AT THE PALACE
SoR,-I'll jist trouble ye for yer attention. Whisht, now.
Why are the Antediluvian Gardens at the Crystal Palace like the
Moon ?-Because they're full of extinct craters.
If any gintleman says this isn't good, me friend will wait upon him.
Yours, for iver and iver, A. lMURPHY.
AN INTERNATIONAL POET.
THE Parisian critics, stimulated by MI. FECHTER'S success in
England, want to prove that Shakspearo intended Hamlet to have
been a Frenchman, and that he laments his exile from his native
country when he says, "But I am pigeon-livered and lack Gaul."
The Dutch have an equal right to claim Horatio for a Hollander
because Hamlet addresses him thus: "Nor shall you do, My_ lecr,
that violence," etc. Whatever claims other countries may put forth,
we only hope, for the sake of Islington and Sadler's Wells, that the
second part at least of Henry IV. may be long there.
SOLUTION OF A CHESS PionLE.M.--Those who watched the great
chess match between hMR. PAULSEN and his ten opponents at the
Cigar Divan, have particularly admired the coolness with which the
German played his game. Very proper, too, for we all know how
dangerous it is to receive a check during a perspiration.
PRIZE CONUNDRUM (from Hantell).-lWhy is a man unable to walk
because his leg is broken, like a door that won't open or shut easily?
-Because both cases are the result of a hinge awry.
ENCUMBERED ESTATES BILL.-What circumstance will always pre-
vent an Englishman from becoming an Irish landed proprietor ?-
Because when he goes there to buy land, he can only go to 'Ireland.
l, ndln Prinlcd and PIublisied (for the Prrprietrs) by CIIAIIRLES V.'IIYTE, at the Ofice, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.--Saturday, Octcher 1ith, ltl1.
NOVEYBEB 2, 1861.]
FTUN.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY,
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated with Sketches taken n t1h Sot.
CHAPTER THE SEVENTH.
TAKING an eighty years' jump, we come to the next circumstance
of great importance in the early history of Greece,-namely, the
Dorian migration. The Arcadians, led by the beadle of the period, at
first opposed, but eventually assisted the invaders. Some of the city
walls were too high and mighty for them, and in these cases they had
to resort to stratagem, and forming themselves into two parties-the
front Dorians and the back Dorians-waited at the gates until they
were opened, and then sneaked in. They then played oldlucifer with
the heavy troops, who were-on the lucus a non lucendo principle, we
suppose-termed Hop-lites. After things were settled-that is, after
the inhabitants were settled by the Dorians-matters went on very
pleasantly; the Greeks continued to be one people, divided into
separate communities, but still regarding themselves as of coumnon
origin, which they decidedly were, uncommonly common origin.
They now set about visiting the neighboring coasts and islands,
and as in many instances they stopped, they may bo said to liavo
commenced colonizing and semi-colon-izing. The most distinguished
man of the age on which we are writing was Lycurgus, the law-giver
of Sparta. His elder brother dying, the title of king by right belonged
to Lycurgus, but as a posthumous child was born, Lycurgus resigned
,the office to the rightful heir, although his brother's widow was very
much put out of the way, and wished the inlint to be put out of the
way also. He was seated at supper with several of his magisterial
friends, when a servant announced the arrival of the male. Lycurgus
ordered it to be brought in, and named him on the spot Charilaiis,
telling the attendant to leave the young gentleman for the present,
and ordering his perambulator at eleven. This act is supposed to
have set the fashion of having in the children to dessert.
LYCURGUS INTRODUCES THE RIGHTFUL HEIR TO TIHE SPARTANS.
TO MR. AND MRS. BOUCICAULT.
On Colleen Bawn, why leave us pining
So sadly for the Octoroon ?
We hope that you intend resigning
Your perilous position soon.
The public always has its eye on
That wondrous picture which beguiles;
Oh! give us something fresh, do, DioN,
We're weary of your Irish miles.
We've heard the Cruislceen Lawn, until we
Vowed not again to stand the cram "
Around those dreadful doors, nor will we:
And CHARLEY MOUNT" ad nause-ams;
The piece has brought no end of profit,
And is a well-deserved success,
But, oh we are so weary of it,
Withdraw it and we'll ever bless
You, Colleen Bawin, sweet Colleen Bawn.
SPORTIVE.-MR. THOMAS SAYERS, ex-champion of England, has just
closed his lucrative engagement with MEssRt. HOWss and CiUHINGs s s
circus. The gallant fellow has lately been trying to improve his
mind. He took out a ticket at Muni,'s, and the first volume hoe
asked for was the famous treatise "On Liberty," by MInu. As this
did not happen to be in, he took PRorEssoi CltllAsY's F'iftOen Deci-
sive Battles."
A BEND SINISTER.-A bow from a dun.
FLOWEns have their language, why not their religion ? Of course it
would be Buddhism.
CAN a man who is charged with not having a right to a work
because he has copied it, justifiably plead that lie has a copyright
CAN a man who has been fined by the magistrates again a and again,
be considered a refined man.
WHY does a confectioner resemble one of the West India Island. ?
Because he's a jam-maker (Jamaica).
TOT. 5. Is
63.
___ __
i
4$ I TU- IT. [NOVEEBEE 2, 1861.
PAN AT THE PLAY. SWITZERLAND FOR TEN SHILLINGS.
PON reading some time ago, my
S/ /!/ dear Sir, a book entitled, Switzerland,
,' / and how to see it for Ten Guineas,
S' i i by Me. GAZE, who professed to have
S\ I i taken a look at that romantic spot
Si' / --ii_ for the above-mentioned sum, I
-'-'- "-wrote to you thus:--"Sir,-Givoe
S' me ten shillings, and I will not only
SI -.- do Switzerland, but will send you an
Xi, / i account of my tour." After some
i hesitation, you acceded to my propo-
sition; and I, with that punctuality
S. L for which I am remarkable, berowith
send you the promise letter, read-
ing which future, ages will bless the
name of, yours truly,
IT- WAL KER.
/ TP.S.-One of the shillings you
Sent me was unnegotiable anywhere. Please send me twelve
stamps.
HINTS.
S Money.-Procure your ten shillings: perhaps the best plan is to
I / borrow it of some friend who is obliged to sail for India on the fol-
lowing week. Taking the paltry dross without the actual consent of
its possessor is scarcely to be recommended (save to a very practised
Sparture will be delayed for some weeks.
Ihand), as it may lead to unnecessary detention, whereby your de-
Travelling.-Of course, for the small sum of ten shillings you
must put up with a little roughing it." A railway ticket is, there-
fore, an unnecessary luxury. With a little care and precaution, a
very comfortable place may be secured in a first-class carriage, under
Sthe seat. Get well against the back of the carriage, and as far as
possible from the door where the ticket collector will appear. Should
She see you, and object to your mode of procedure, as he possibly
will, be prepared with your reply. If the carriage is filled, avoid
S entering into an argument on the subject of the amount of luggage
Sallowed under the seat, and restrain yourself from joining in the
general conversation. You can indulge ydnr taste for practical
joking by pinching elderly gentlemen's calves; but the fun may be
WIIETIER mnrt. FECIoER 'S Othello will be as popular as his Hamlet spoilt by your imitating the barking of a dog.
is a question the public and not PAN must decide. I must confess Refreshments: what to Eat, Drink, and Avoid.-Eat as much as
that it disappoints me in many respects. I grant its exquisite you can; drink the same quantity, and avoid-paying. If you can
tenderness, its picturesque originality, and its occasional grandeur, manage to get out, proceed at once to the refreshment-room. Do
but MR. FoCHTER 's lamentable deficiency in physical power must not waste your time by standing in front of the counter and wonder-
over render his performance of such characters as Othello, Macbeth, ing what's the best thing to take," but walk about, pick up little
or Shylock, unsatisfactory. It is as necessary that Othello should be bits of bread which are laid gratuitously by the side of the knives
a strong man, as that LEOTARD should have pliant muscles. The and forks; help yourself to a glass of water, which you can always
philosophical calmness of MiR. FECITER's IHamlet was one of its get for nothing, unless there is no one looking, when you can procure
striking points,-the colloquial tone, another; but in Othello one a glass of wine at the same tariff.
requires something more: when the latent fire of the Moorish soldier The Steamboat.-At once secure a berth in the machinery depart-
is roused, we expect to be terrified by the mere exhibition of physical ment; it will be very comfortable, unless made too hot to hold you.
rage and despair, and M 3. FEClltra cannot do this. There are, how- A douceur to the stoker may perhaps be necessary.
over, occasional exquisite touches, that mark the true artist, new Laznding.-Custom-Hfouse Officers.--Abolished since my journey.
natural business in place of much conventional rubbish, though why Hotel Touters.-Don't attend to them at all, or, as the French say,
Iago is upon the stago when Othello kills himself I can't divine. MR. "pas de tout."
1'ic.:OTERi' third act is a masterpiece of pathetic acting, but ie falls Guide Books.-Borrow a Murray from an accidental travelling
short il the exhibition of overwhelming fury. n. lY ERl's lago is as acquaintance, and never let it quit your hand; you will find it in-
near perfection as possible, and Miss CARloTroa LICLErn'S DesCdeCMAon valuable.
gentle and charming. iMR. FEicHTrEn's presiding tasto is apparent Foreign Money.-Change your English coin into French francs (the
throughout the piece; and, mounted with liberality by the indectligable most useful). The exchange on ten shillings is twelve and a half
management, acted well by the well-trained and talented company, francs. By watching your opportunity you may be able to raise the
and supported as it is certain to be by a public ever ready for novelty, rate of exchange up to any sum while the clerk is otherwise engaged.
Othello is pretty certain to attract largely for many a night to come. Rmemeber, exchange is no robbery.
I'ocahontas is a roaring burlesquo by MnR. BROUGIrI&M. It is not SIIORT DIuty.
likely to tickle the ears of the London public educated up to a L n B
particular punning point, but it is fall of broad fni, and MR. A. London to Boulogne, observing the mode of travelling as above
IIARuis's burlesque operatic scena is exceedingly ludicrous. The recommended. Boulogne to Basle in the same manner.
admirable comedy of Playing icitlh F'ire should be seen by all who June 4.--Baste to Lucerne.-"This," says Murray, "is the best
enjoy a couple ofhours of hearty laughter. way of entering Switzerland." Lovely road! Obtained a glorious
All about Ruy Blas next week. retrospect from a seat behind an English gentleman's travelling car-
riage.
June 6.-" Up the Rigi."-Ha! ha the gentleman who did Switzer-
land for ten pounds couldn't manage this--good supper at the hotel
A QUESTIO FOR TTE JOCKEY CLur.-u-lay a hunting undergraduate at the top-capital bed-good breakfast. While every one was trying
who is intended for the church be designated as riding to orders ? to see the sun rise, and the mountaineers were making hideous noises
Too T'lR.-An old lady, a few evenings ago, asked a facetions on wooden horns,-blowing it up, I suppose,-I took a run down the
young gentleman whether they were still fighting in America ?" mountains; my impetuosity carrying me away, I was soon at the
The facetious young gentleman very cruelly replied, No, ma'am; Weggis side. Wishing to return and pay the bill,.I began to retrace
they're active, fighting there! my steps upwards, but soon found the fatigue too much for me; so
NOVEMBER 2, 1861.]
FTU T,
took a boat (the owner being absent, I rowed myself), and crossed
over to Stanz.
June 8 and 9.-Interlachen.-Not caring to do the thing by halves,
took up my quarters at the best hotel. Table d'hote good; bed
ditto; breakfast ditto; after breakfast walked as fast as possible along
the Lanterbrunnen Road-first peep of Italy and the Bridge of Sighs.
Food is exceedingly cheap. To give you a notion of how exceedingly
cheap I found everything, I subjoin a list of articles which are in
England looked upon as luxuries :-
s. d.
Breakfast, with eggs, roast beef, muffins, fried potatoes,
strawberries, saur kraut, dried prunes, via ordinaire,
shrimps-(in English money) 0 3
June 12.-Arrived at Zermatt.-Knowing Switzerland rather better
than Regent-street, I at once looked out for my old short cut to
the top of Mont Blanc, and having found it, set off to ascend
for the hundredth time the monarch of mountains. I ran up as far
as the Grand Mulets, where I stopped to direct a party of guides
who had lost their way. Reached the summit in six hours and three
minutes-somewhat over my usual time. I stop at Chamouni, and
shall return as I came. For a ten days' trip, one shilling per diem
must be allowed for all expenses. I do not think," says an expo-
riepced traveller, that it can be done under that sum."
s. d.
London to Boulogne (qratuiftyto stoker, pint of beer) 0 0
Boulogne to Basle (gratlity to conductor not to tell) 0 1 0
Basle to Luccme 0 0 0
Rigi Hotel (stopped here- but not to pay) .0 0 0
Boat from Woggis to Stanz (not including boatman) 0 0 0
Total 0 1 2
And so on, observing the same economical system.
I write to you from Chamouni, and shall be happy on my return to
do Russia, Constantinople, or Cape Horn on the same terms.-Yours
truly, H. WALKEII.
:,i Our correspondent's letter bears a London postmark. We
strongly suspect that we and not Switzerland have been done.-ED.
Tuesday night, 12 o'clock.-We are right. Il. W. is in Bow-street.
We will not bail him. Vengeance!
OUR GENUINE CORRESPONDENTS.
GREAT novelist, who amuses his
leisure hours by editing a popular
magazine, lately described his
position as that of a man who had
"thorns in the cushion" on which
he was supposed to be gracefully
.- and comfortably reclining. At
the first blush this appears to be
-~-. a somewhat strong simile, but we
-- 7 must add our little penny trumpet
t note of acquiescence in the defini-
tion of an editor's position, with
the trifling amendment that for
"thorns" in the cushion, read
S t bayonets, scythes, organ-barrels,
t ops of garden walls, and steel
S- pens. Such penny irritators as
'. J thorns are trifles compared with
the hideous instruments oftorturo
on which the Editor of FUNb has
almost diurnally to settle down.
Of course we are open to attack, and of course we are exceedingly
thin-skinned; r nsequently our sufferings, like the feelings of the
penny-a-liner, can be "better imagined than described." Not to keep
the reader any longer jn suspense, we will favour him with a few
genuine specimens, selected and decidedly original. Very many of
them have the names and addresses of the writers. These, of course,
we shall not give; but we assure the reader that they are bond fide
contributions. The following is in a neat, scratchy, illegible lady's
hand, the tails of the y's, and the loops of the h's mingled in admired
confusion; the letter is crossed, and the punctuation is, to say the least,
eccentric :-
"DEAB SIR,-I am a young widow with two children, and much time on my
hands. My eldest boy-he is seven, and has strong artistic predilections-is
anxious to do you a few drawings. I am, of course, not vain enough to imagine
them perfect, but who knows what he may become ? HooGARs was only seven
once. No remuneration would be expected for some years.--Your obedien
servant, "EUpnrosxrEs."
We were unable to offer the young gentleman a satislhctory engage-
mout, and we have not heard again from EilenIosiYNE.
This is bold, at all events:-
MR. EDITO,--Your now publication is the worst I ever saw. I have not
read the letter-press, and don't mean to.-Youris, losll."
The next is fiom a poet:-
Sir,-Having written a tragedy, which MR. FTA.coNeR, of the Lyceum, lias
refused, I feel confident that my talent lies in another direction. As this is
the case, if you will let me know the scale of remuilerallon on your perioldicil,
I should not object to knock you off' few unconsidered trifles' when 1 am
'i' the vein.' I enclose specimens, the worst 1 have ever done."
We believe him. But Mlt. FALCONERA should have had another
look at the tragedy; from the specimens lie sent us of his comic
powers we should think there might be something in it.
The following contains some sound advice:-
On the whole, your publication is creditaele. have better type. The paper,
too, must be improved. Couldn't you change the title? KIeep your eye on i our
artists, and avoid politics."
The following correspondent holds different opinions:-
"With such capital paper and printing, one naturally expects something
better in the way of reading. Refbrm it altogether.' Rlemn! Shakspeare."
A straightforward creature says :-
"Kick that fellow who drew the Swell of the Sea.'"
One kind friend sent the following conundrum:-
Why is the Editor of FUN like a donkey ?"
We turned over the page to read the reply, but thero was none.
The conclusions we are forced to draw from this are most unpleasant.
The following came like a soothing draught after theso very strong,
unpleasant potions :-
"A very good pennyworth, unpretentious, and sufliciently sensile in ils
absurdity. Certain to succeed and counteract a good deal of seuliiim'lal
Stwaddle. Don't be afraid of going at shams. People like pluck, and IL very
little stinging nettle can irritate an exceedingly big mtl. Never pander to
Spumps, and take nobody's advice but your own."
The following letter is really too good to be omitted, and though it
turns the laugh against ourselves, we givelit insertion, if it is only to
prove that if we have no very great wit, we are plentifully provided
with good temper :-
"Sin,-I have read with infinite L. .,'..I .u and sincere pleasure your 'I',
weakly' issues of a serious work i'l i *., ind truth compels me top lrolailt
it a most exemplary production,-so exemplary, indeed, that, would you believe
me when I tell you, that my cachinatory powers, although genially speaking
of a very loose and susceptible nature, refused at once ... ..i ;. ... ii...
approaching a smile in the perusal of FuN? As an :a..-.... .
derived under the influence of yolr smol-soothling ,ork, I .. I. 1. ... .
each number with feelings and emotions somewhat akin 1o those exlurinced in
the quiet and tranquil contemplation of such hallowed works lNs 1Ali nv's
iMeditations, or YouNG-'s Night Tholigits. continue thereIlore, istcadfistly lind
perseveringly in the good path that you have assiglnedl your"elif, ind I predict,
as all sober-minded men will, a success even beyond your most sunguiulo
expectations.-Yours, etc., rI'"usi;:u ."
We might go on at this rate until Iho reader canto to the cr'nclu-
sion that we were taking him in. As wo are anxious that lie should
take us in, we conclude for the present, though we niak no opiroiises
not to continue laying before the public at intervals the opinions of
our very dear friends who, we know very well, flattn' their IIOFes
against the panes of our office at an early hour on Wi(dnesdlay, and
never move on until they have read us through every line. Amin
then, how comforting it is to know that our circulation'is iincrra:ting
enormously every week; that the balloon on our -.1i. 1. 1.-. is blown
throughout the length and breadth of the land; that our sallies "
convulse "old haunts" and new neighborhoods ; that our paIp '
grace the decks of the steamboats and the library of the peer ; that
the cabmen who purchase us "drive a roaring" trade ; that the
barristers in the back rooms "dash their wigs in delight at ius; tluil,
theatrical managers feel a pan-ic when they see our critic in his small ;
and that we have as much cause to be delighted with an unii prre-
dented success, as the British public has with the iebdomadal oippr-
tunity it enjoys of purchasing such a publication for the ridiculously
small sum of one penny.
JUST THE DIrFTERECE.--Tho scribe who furnishes the paragraphs
of the Court Journal confidentially informs his readers that when in
Scotland "IHER MAJESTY uses a kind of Alpine stick, or lung pole, to
help her in her arduous walks,"-a very interesting fact; the dif-
ference between the QUEEN and the Person ovre the water being
this,--that HmE MAJESTY enjoys herself in her walks with a long polo,
whilst he of Biarritz and Compiegne employs himself with the long
bow.
~
I
- FFU N.
-t~~
-'- -.
DE GUSTIBUS, ETC.
Augustus (:ho is all soul) writes :-"YOU ACCUSE ME, DEAREST, OF JEALOUSY. WELL, I ADMIT IT. NAY, I GLORY IN IT. WHEN I
fGAZE ON THE ENVELOPE THAT CONTAINED MY TOOTSIE'S LAST LETTER, I ENVY EVEN THE POSTAGE STAMP TIE TOUCH IT MUST HAVE RECEIVED
FROM 'I'TOSE RUIBY ]LIPIS!
"WELL THAT, AUGUSTUS, IS QUITE A MATTER OF TASTE!"
MORALITY FOR THE MILLION.
THI penny newspaper and the post-office savings bank are two
admirable institutions. All honour to the powers that be for having
established the one, and by taking off the tax on paper, having
rendered possible the establishment of the other. WMe should be
sorry indeed of underrating either of these important aids to the
social advancement of the masses. But if the style of instruction to
be imparted by the penny weeklies is to be such as we read the
other day, in, we believe, one of the most extensively circulated of
them all-if the mode of saving money by the new postal bank
system is to be that therein recommended, we should be almost led
to doubt the benefits conferred by either on the morals of the poorer
classes.
The instruction given by the paper we allude to, teaches its readers
how virtually to lie on oath, and yet steer clear of legal perjury ;
the mode of saving money recommended is by no means a novel one of
swindling one's creditors.
Lest we should be suspected of overstating the case, we will give
the writer's words exactly as we find them:-
It is possible, in fact, for a depositor in a post-office bank to crack his fingers
at a creditor in the county court, without being open to the charge of perjury."
How do our readers think this feat is to be achieved? Thus:-
Every deposit made may be in trust for one's child, one's sister, or brother,
or father, or mother, so that the trust depositor in the position of a defendant in
tho coilty court could swear with all conscience that there was not a single shilling
standing in his name in a post-office bank."
The quibble is ingenious, but there are other equally effective ones
which might be suggested; for instance, a person having deposited
two shillings or more, might just as safely swear with all conscience"
(save tlhe mark!) that there was not a single shilling standing in his
name. In fact, once admit the principle of equivocation and mental
reservation as an escape from the charge of perjury, and there will
be no difficulty whatever in proving black to be perfect white, or two
and two make five.
But have we not misunderstood the writer's meaning ? Mayhe not
be speaking of bonA fide trust money, upon which, of course, neither the
trustee nor his creditors could have any claim? We were inclined to
think so at first; but how about the next sentence ?
Money held in trust by a defendant is beyond the reach of the county court,
or even the exchequer court, although the money so held may be the defendant's
property, and can be touched by no one else. The British statesman who devised
such a means of escape for the poor man from the rapacity ofpersecuting creditors
deserves well of the British people."
But there is yet another "new and attractive feature" in the new
savings bank. It is not only creditors that may be swindled, but it is
open to married women to defeat their husbands in the same way that
it is open to the husbands to defeat their creditors. A married woman
may deposit money in trust for a sister, a brother, a father, a mother,
or for any one in whom she can repose confidence, and the husband
would then be at fault. Legally the money would no$ in such a case
belong to the married woman, and she could not, therefore, be deprived
of it by any means. The money would be held in trust, and so it
would remain until withdrawn by the depositor in the regular way.
We remember in our school-boy days our pocket-knife was stolen.
It was soon afterwards seen in the possession of a school-fellow. We
identified and claimed it; but he in the most solemn manner declared,
and persisted in the statement, that the knife was one his brother
Tom (not in the school) had given him. However, truth prevailed.
It was our knife, and he had stolen it. Still, when detected as the
culprit, he cried out in triumph, "Well, but I didn't tell a lie about it;
I gave it Tonmfirst, and Tom gave it me!" Can it be possible thatit is
this young scapegrace now grown to man's estate who teaches this
exquisite morality through the columns of the print we are loth to
speak of as our contemporary P
/~.
RE MEXICO AN EXECUTION
N IN, AT LAST.
K
1_
i
NOVEMBER 2, 1861.]
F TJN.
A FRAGMENT.
Young Snipe (100th iiiddlesex) :- "An You snourLD B'LONG TO ouus.
GOT AN OUT AN OUT UNIFORM, A STUNNING lAND, AND WE'RE THIE FINEST MEN
coRPs !"
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
A.dtptid (Jfr the fir'rs tim) 1, Aristocratic Cir,'cs.
No. 7.-TIIiE AlISTOCi.AT'S :iiTEi.
Suggested by lihe Iatlcacher's.
N Westminster, some years igo,
There lived an aristocrat's daughter;
Her parents were of tip-top birlli,
And up they very well lind brought her:
She had existed, it was said,
Of a century a quarter,
SAnd no one seemed inclined to Nwed
This proud aristocrat's daughter.
S She wore a hat upon her head,
The very latest aishion,
IHer waist, extremely contrac-ted,
She placed a school-girls' sash on;
She went in-with a pretty pout,--
For indiscriminate slaughter,
But no one seemed to care niaout
This noble aristocrat's daughter.
Well, things had been going a year above,
In tlis unsatisfhctory manner,
Whlien with the young mania she fell in love,
Who had come to tune the planner;
It was a thing to do the wlich
Of course she didn't oughtcr,
But then she argued, Pa is rich,"
Did this splendid aristocrat's daughter.
Now when her father found out the games
That she had been carrying on, then,
He handed the youth first over to J AMES,
Who handed him over to JoN, then.
These flunkeys two heat him black and blue,
He was then kicked out by the porter,
Whilo in direst despair, tear away at her I::ir,
Did the luckless aristocrat's daughter.
Then she went raving mad, which was terrible
sad,
And all the day sLng Vaga Luniia,
S And went everywhere, crying out in despil ir,
"Could youi tell nme what's come to ,,
tuner ? "
Then her tbther grew gray, and quite w:.itl
away,
And at last took to spirits ond waihr,
WE VE T' pipcs nd tL I" lit," i:id I o ii)reci)0s Ilee p i.',
IN ANY I Through his most disobedieut daughter.
IMPORTANT FROM AMERICA.
GENERAL INDIGNATION has seized upon the city of New York. The capital (both at and
of) Washington is in the hands of General Depression. General Rumour is particularly
busy, and his movements cannot be traced. It is very doubtful whether General Incom-
petency will be succeeded in the head of tthe government by General Anarchy or General
Despotism, the latter the favourite. T ide seems to have fallen before General Dulness,
and it is doubtful whether General Want will not shortly overpower the working classes.
The best friends of the Americans lay most- of their misfortunes to that silly and pre-
posterous person to whom they were so much attached, General Bragg, and their acts
under his guidance were such as to expose them to a very raking fire, and much cutting
up from the sharp-shooters of General Ridicule. It is notorious that they have already
too many officers who do not know their business, but it is to be hoped that a General
Revival will make his appearance before they fall into the hands of General Contempt.
"DON'T CRY-BUT TRY."
THE Times the other day contained an advertisement commencing thus:-
W ILL MISSING.-ONE THOUSAND POUNDS REWARD.
It then went on to describe the missing Will, and to give the names of the solicitors,
who on production of the Will in question would pay the very handsome reward offered.
We were forcibly struck with the shrewd, business-like common sense of the parties so
anxious for the recovery of the missing Will. How very much more sensible it is to try
to remedy a loss than merely to deplore it. How very much more rational to offer a
large reward to get the missing Will restored, than to give utterance to useless lamenta-
tions in whining out-
"Oh! WILLIE, we have misscle you! "
Then he wastddhis substiince, and got \I'vry )pr,
I And his nose grew as red Hs a sro;e, 11 n,
And he found his acquaintance grew fewor mil
fewer,
Through the ends of his boots pee'd his:i toe,;,
then.
And things did co,'' to so foeu'ful :i pass,
Ilis petition hlie iled to t.h1 court-i,
Anid hlie got, a certificate of tho tiird ,
And he'd no oii to thalnl: but hisH dsii'lite1'r.
tiln thLe la.llcss young main who had tunLldl ih1'
piain-
0(: '' i. I y;o, Lyung ldy;
Thie lli I... t ,li, grow exceedingly wild,
Wlhen she thought on her prospect s slim'.
Slhe is uow forty-three, and it's probable shi.
Will ne'er get anybody to court her,
And she's cut by the wh ole of tlie a.ristocr;,.:
Is this noble aristocrat': daughter.'
Now the moral to-day I vish to, oonvey-
Sonc are born witl "l Ivor spo)n in
Their mouths, while .... 1i.. 1, who ar0 i!o
as good as t'otheris,
Ar 1)but born for pi i!moif)lb! t1i11ing.
And a house well to At infd must lhve 'godi li!-k .
A stated quantity o 'i morl-lr,
T'". .. 1 Ihe mortar doesn't mix, of cou 1% rle, ;i
li. bricks,
]:It eachli is a mutual supporl;r.
~--~-
1;1)
_~___1
F TU IN.
D;/
A MATTER OF FANCY.
P)ojgy Frie il : -" Now You KNow, Jir, I RATIIER LIKES THE LOOKS ON 'IM MYnSELF; HE'S
'o(NIST AND STRAI(lITI0ro1WA1[, 'TAINT NO TROUBLE TO '131 TO BE U(,LY."
[NOVEMBER 2, 1861.
CONUNDRUM BY THE REV. C. H.
SURGEON.
DEAR Sin,-While lecturing the other
day on viragos (you recollect, don't you,
all about XANTI'PE, whom I called Mas.
SOCRATES, and so forth?), my excellent
geographical knowledge suggested a good
conundrum to me, namely:-In what part
of England ought scolds to live? The
answer-ha! ha!-is, Shrews-bury.-
Good, that, of yours truly,
JOHN SPUn.
(There's ajoke, you see, on SPUR-JoHaN.)
P.S. Whatever you like to give me for
this, send it for the benefit of the New
Tabernacle.
P.S. On second thoughts, send it for
m11y ow0n.
THE REASON WHY.-Why does the
EMPEROR NAPOLEON keep all his future
plans secret to himsel'?-Because he
acts on the principle which induces a
cautious general to rely much on his
Reserve!
AND A VERY NATURAL REMARK, TOO.-
A Lancashire lad," who was allowed, a
few days ago, to look over the printing
department of the Daily Telegraph, said,
on being shown the printing press," HOE,
my heyes, what a machine!"
A QUESTION FOr THE MORMONS.- -ay
a man with ten wives be said to be
decimated ?
ADDRESSeD TO MR. BROUGHAMI.-Is a
sham fight in any way connected with
Playing with Fire ?
A NEW VERSION OF AN OLD SAYINo.-
"There's many a good thing said in"-
?UN!
MAGNA EST VERITAs.-That LORD PAL-
3IERSTON henceforth will neglect the cause
of truth, is an inference logically drawn
from his praise of Crammers.
ANACREONTICS FOR INVALIDS.
COME, a bumper, my boys, 'tis an hour to noon,
The time the last draught that was sent should be taken,
Fill, fill up the wine-glass and send round the spoon,
And sec that the bottle be carefully shaken.
IEach drop is too dear in libations to waste,
And when Fancy a veil o'er the features has flung,
Drain the goblet of health, and to vanquish the taste,
Let a small lump of sugar dissolve on the tongue.
So brim up the glass-to the dregs be it quaffed,
Elixir of lifo from the chemical shelf;
And the toast that we give shall lend wings to the draught,
Here's the one we love best-our own excellent self.
Lot philosophers prate of the wonderful cures,
Dame nature performs in her own simple manner,
That letting alone the disorder ensures
The vaunted success under quackery's banner;
We stick to the text of the medical schools,
And finish our bottle of physic each day,
For we well know the best of our forefather's rules,
There's nothing like drinking life's troubles away,
So I send round the glass with the toast in it quaffed,
Here's to him who provides me with pleasure and pelf,
I have known him the longest-drink deep of the draught,
And have loved him the most-here's the health of MYSELF.
A CARTE DE VISITE.-A waggOnet.
SENSATION! SENSATION! SENSATION!
MR. C. H. STURGEON begs to offer his new lecturing entertainment
to the nobility, gentry, and educated people in general, in which he
will guarantee to create a "sensation" of more profound disgust in the
minds of his audience than any man of his height, weight, size, or
impudence. C. H. S. has but to call attention to his recent perform-
ances to convince the public of the truth of his assertion, and he can
point with triumph to his lecture on "Shrews," which has been
universally acknowledged and recognized as a masterpiece of bad
laste, coarseness, and buffoonery. As the advertiser is profoundly
ignorant on most subjects, and knows nothing whatever of the rest,
he can of course hold forth with.equal facility on every topic, including
cosmogony, carrots, and conic sections. He will also vary his enter-
tainment with some select ground-tumbling, step-dancing, and jug-
glery. His celebrated cash trick, in which he makes money pass
from the pockets of his audience into a plate at the door, has been
performed before crowded houses with immense success. In conclu-
sion, C. H. S. can assure his patrons that after having once heard him
they will never have the slightest inclination to do so a second time.
One trial will prove the fact.
All communications to be addressed, prepaid, to C. H. S., opposite
the Elephant and Castle.
N.B.-Evening parties attended on moderate terms.
A PROBLEM 'OR TIlE PATIENT.--Given ydropathy, Allopathy, and
Homceopathy, to find the The Perfect Cure."
-
NOVEMBER 2, 1861.]
FrUN.
Landlady's Daughter :-" MAMMA SAYS, SIR, THE APARTMENTS ARE FOR SINGLE GENTLEMIEN.."
Youthful Swell:-"On! HAw! FcrT Is, I AM NOT A MARRIED MAN!"
PRETTY BEHAVIOUR,
OF course, we are aware that to know one's proper place and
keep it" is an essential part of good manners. We had, it is true,
associated the words more with the idea of recognizing and being
satisfied with our due position in the social scale, than with any notion
of confining our personal whereabouts to a precise locality; but it
seems in the eyes of certain Huntingdonshire magistrates it is not
only improper, but positively "indecent," to select a seat other than
our accustomed one; and, moreover, that to do so (supposing we
were a poor country lad) would subject us to a penalty which even
in its "mitigated" form amounts to five shillings sterling.
As it is only right that the worthy magistrates who have made this
discovery in good manners should have all the credit of the invention,
we will, as briefly as possible, quote a recent case:-
"A short time since, at the bench held at St. Neots, before CAPTAIN REYNOLDs,
CAPTAIN HUMBLEY, and S. NEWTON, EsQ., William Woods, a lad aged sixteen,
was summoned at the instance of the REv. EDMuND MARKS:AM HEALE, the rector
of Yelling, Hunts, for indecent behaviour in the parish church."
We must confess, on reading thus far, our indignation against
WILLIAM WOODs (spite of his youth and inexperience) was of the
strongest. Indecent conduct in any place is unpardonable, but in a
church is absolutely intolerable. What had the young scamp been
guilty of P We read on in fear and trembling, horrified at the wicked-
ness we were about to meet with:-
The rev. complainant, on being sworn, stated that during service on the day
in question, he noticed that the lad was sitting in a place in which he ought not
to have sat-namely, he was sitting by himself, instead of with the other boys."
Very wrong, certainly. If WILLIAM WooDS ought not to have
sat" by himself but "with the other boys"-why then he oughtn't !
(We boldly defy contradiction so far.) But of what else had WILLIAM
Woons been guilty? Let the reverend complainant say on:-
"He (the complainant) stopped the service, and went to the boy. He desired
him to move. He did not do so, but laughed in his face. He deemed it right,
therefore, to make an example of him."
Well, we would not for the world be thought irreverent; but had
we been in the defendant's place, and had we scon the parson leaviFng
off his duties in the middle to come and tell us where to Hit, we
almost fancy that we should have laughed ourselves. And possibly,
were we residing ii St. Neots, should havo "an example made of
us, as he had. For we find that-
"The magistrates convicted the lad of the offence charged, and adjudged him
to pay a mitigated penalty of flvo shillings."
Let us hope, however, that, thanks to a suggestion thrown out
during the proceedings by the churchwardon of the place, such
horrible depravity as that evinced by WILLIAM Woons will be impos-
sible in future.
"The churchwarden (MR. JlETA) was called, but he evidently knew nothing of
the matter; and, referring to the rhirr'n -ohmteered it as his opinion, that la
sexton had better be got, to crump -i.. i..., :' heads with a stick.'"
Right, MR. BELL! Crump the boys' heads" by all means (what-
ever that may mean), if crumping will prevent a repetition of such
scenes. And let a sexton do it certainly in preference to tlo parson.
A clergyman having to leave his pulpit in the midst of public worship
to show a good-for-nothing little boy his proper place!-(wo don't hoar
he was doing any harm though, except that he preferred to be alone).
In truth, there was "indecent behaviour" that day in the church;
but we don't think that WILLIAM WOODS behaved the most indecently.
(H)oDD, BUT EVEN so.-The journeymen bricklayers of Norwilh
recently petitioned their employers for an advance of sixpence a day
upon their present wages, and the entire building trade of the city
have agreed to give the required advance. Bravo! If all other em-
ployers in the building trade cemented this tone of feeling with sich
a-mason liberality, we should hear less of POTTEr's cla-mours. a sisters
of bricklayers, indeed! When such masters meet in anything like
numbers they become layers of bricks!
A TITLE BY PRESCRIPITION."-A physician's haronetcy.
I
F T N.
AN UNFINISHED NEIGHBOURHOOD.
Mild Gentleman (who has lost his host's address) :-"PRAY, MY FRIEND, CAN YOU TELL ME IF THERB IS A PARTY ANYWHERE IN THIS
SQUARE ? "
Dustmat :-"PARTY, GUV'NOR? No, I AINT SEEN NO PARTY. OH, YES! STOP A BIT! I DID SEE A TALL, ROUND-SHOULDERED PARTY,
WITH ONE III AND A DAWG "
ALMANACK AND DIARY. FANCY GARDENING.-Damp a postage stamp and sow mustard and
cress, it has a very pretty effect on a writing desk. Plant your foot firmly
METEOROLOGICAL AND ASTRONOMICAL NOTICES. somewhere ready for a good spring into your neighbour's garden,-you may
Several Stars will be visible to the naked eye during the present month at look for a speedy return.
Drurv Lane. KITCHEN GARDEN FOI NOVEMBER.-Dig deep into the vegetable and
Wind E.C. [80, Flect-street]-very fair according to the last report. fruit rows to see how everything is getting on. If not satisfied, say so.
SS. of Europe [blowing up for a stormj-expected before our next. To save expense, transplant your neighbour's available shrubs to your own
garden. Select good dry soil for Greek roots.
To SAVE A PERSON FROM DROWNING.-Run to him at once. Throw
OCTOBER. your great coat over him, roll the patient in it until quite dry, at the rate
of two shillings an hour. Stamp on his hands and face to restore anima-
27 S At St. Paul's, BLONDIN as usual, tion, and drink his health in several glasses of stiff brandy and water.
28 M Meeting at the Turnstile, Holborn, for the benefit of the In-
fant Orphans' Parent's Support Society. Dance of Cord-
wainers, and other festivities.
29 Tu The M1OULVIE OF OUDE will lay the first one of the New CHROMATIC AMPUTATION.-We recently read a dramatic criticism
Hospital for Voluntary Contributions, Short's-gardens. which, in speaking of the omission of the music of an operetta, said
30 W FUN comes out. Illustrations and illuminations. that it suffered from the injudicious application of the harmonic
31 Tu Moon rises at 9 A.M., and breakfasts at half-past. CUBITT pruning-knife!" Harmonic pruning-knife is good; but did not the
is expected to rise considerably next year. critic mean to say harmonic tuning-fork ?
CHEESE AND DESSERT -The BISHOP OF DURHAM elect (DR. BARING)
NOVEMBER. has appointed the REV. E. CHEESE, rector of Haughton-le-Skerne, to
I F Fir a of Noe e i ear, i entirely n be his chaplain. If we could presume that the wearer of a mitre
Fiscenery, dressce of November this year, with entirely ne might err, we should consider the appointment a piece of CHEESE-
scenery, dresses, and appointnents. Racing in sacks, economy.
cricket, blind-hookey, and regatta (at Kennington Oval), by BARING economy.
PROFESSOR FARADAY and the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn. TRUE, IN ONE SENSE.-" Everything England undertakes she does
2 8 Election of LORD MAYOR's Fool. Candidates, SPURGEON and with credit."-C. Matthews.
the Poet Cs SE. ny one allowed to be bribed on the pre- EASILY PLEASED.-The individual who told his physician, the other
mises. No Irish needapply. day, that he was perfectly satisfied he had consumption, is the same
Fi.owER riADEN FOR NOVEMBER.--NoW is the time for forcing. If who, a few years ago, was transported with delight.
you are not n good whist player, the simplest plan will be to make good ASK BARON BRAMWELL.-When a judge retires from the bench,
use of your best spade and a little art. may he be said to lay down the law "
London : Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WIIYTE, at the OMce, 8, leet Street, E.C.-Saturday, November 2,18S1.
NOVEMBER 9, 1861.]
FU TJN-.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
IlnMstrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE EIGHTH.
LYCURGUS, finding himself somewhat unpopular, left his country,
and never came back till he was called for. When he returned to
Sparta he consulted the PYTHIA of Delphi (so called because her
answers were shorter and more to the purpose than others), who
assured him of the approval of the gods, and LYCURGus immediately
went in boldly for reform. He instituted the senate, and actually
induced the nobles to share a great deal of their property with their
poorer neighbours, getting them to divide their land into lots, so that
those who had previously been possessed of very little suddenly found
themselves owners ofa lot. Even the slaves were not overlooked in
this matter, but that is not why they were termed He-lots. He
prohibited the use of gold and silver money, stopped foreign trade,
introduced new matrimonial observances, had ill-formed children
killed on the spot, and altogether made himself very pleasant. Ilo
then bound the Spartans over to keep his laws sacred, retired to have
another chat with the PYTIIA, and never came back again. The next
great man wo como to is SOLON. We pass over the Messenian wars,
because the accounts of different historians are very uninteresting,
exceedingly conflicting, and generally untrue, and come to the time
when Sparta, having "worked the oracle" with wonderful success,
had it all its own way. We pass over 1) HAco, for he was not only a
very disagreeable governor, but an exceedingly unpleasant subject, and
we are as little anxious to dwell upon him as we should be to have
lived under him. Extreme rigour was his great strength, and capital
punishment his weakness. SoLoN, on the contrary, was a wise and
judicious legislator, never losing his temper with an obtuse witness or
degrading the Areopagus by unseemly levity. PISISTRATUS, a man of
great ambition, disgusted him, so he left Athens, and PISISTRAT:S
seizing the citadel, the people having no longer their Sole-on, were so
astonished at the bare feat, that they selected him supreme governor.
SOLON, on coming back and finding things in an uncomfortable state,
retired to Cyprus, feeling there could be no re-cyprussity between the
Athenians and himself.
dl
-J N .... .
SOLON RECITES HIS "COPY.OF VERSES" TO THE PEOPLE IN THE MARKET PLACE.
FRESH VOLUNTEER CORES i
APPLE-TREES are, in several places in the neighbourhood of Ax-
minster, in full blossom. Provident pippins! They know there will
be an enormous demand for them next year to colour calico, and they
are straining their little utmost that the British public may not be
disappointed. We may be compelled to do without cider, but in the
struggle for prizes in next year's Exhibition, apples will not be classed
with out-aiders.
IN-VERSE RATIO.
You loves me
As I hates thee.
[Advertisement.]
UNNANAGEABLE BoYs.-An Unmanageable Boy wishes to meet with
a few more boys of tastes and habits (jackets or tails no object)
similar to his own, in order to make up a pleasure party for a visit
to the tutor of" persuasive powers" who has lately been advertising.
N.B. Each unmanageable boy must bring his own pea-shooltr,
India-rubber bands, slings, catapults, sticks, pop-guns, and the latest
inventions.
Address-" TomY," care of Nemo, Smash Hall, U.C.
ADVICE GRATIS.-How to bear your tooth being extracted without
crying out:-Hold your jaw.
FUNTP.U
[NOVEMBER 9, 1861.
THE TELORID IVA- YOiR/S SIOW-
Subjoined is the order of a very grand and unique Procession which the City Authorities have, with great want of taste, thought
proper to reject. The Procession will be headed by the whole musical force of the
UNITED HAT BANDS,
followed by
The Scren Sons of Mammon.
himself.
SPUR GEON ON THE GORILLA,
afFtr which
A STATE CARRIAGE,
drawn by sixteen others,
The KlNG or GRAnt)D EOh'xY,
(according to the custom of his country.)
containing Deputation from MA n DA TussAUD'S
CARDINAL WISEMIAN, .Wax Works, singing,
(his Jirst appearance) Wax, fol lol lol," etc.
nnd
MR. TOOLE,
(by the kind permission of iE. WEBSTEr, ESQ.)
Portraits,
(names unknown.)
Lulatics armed.
SkittKl Sharper,%
(wreathing the bowl.)
Short Commons.
Victims of Kleptomania,
(stealing a few minutes' relaxation.)
THE INIMITABLE MIACKNEY,
S(" Only Nineteen Years Old,")
attended by
CANTErBURIY T.iLL, NEWI:MAN HALL, SAM HALL,
Sand THAT's HALL.
LU1OD 1JOHNl IU SELL,
"The Trlc ni"
A lot of people,
13athing women going to see.
Fai:atics carrying Turtle Soup.
attended by the Temple, Hungerford,
and City Piers.
__
FUT N.
The Chough and Crow.
No one.
MR. GErre, of EVAmNs's, ]lis "Dear li);s."
Shaking hands with himself.
o on ait all.
Wandering Mifitrels.
Interval of half a mile is supposed to elapse between the Acts.
Dream of the Future.
THE LORD MAYOR,
Drawn by Dlaxin' iacLIsE, R.A.
VOTE
ro;
C UB 1' 1 TT.
The 1Happy Past.
b
London Statues,
(in ecstasies.)
Sinrluvr GaurohX,
after taking a T'rkish ]ath.
t \\" ntg ll
Out-skirts of the crowd.
The Leaders from the Times.
Crowds unable to obtain adlllinSioln.
A SETTLER FOR THE SNOBS.
IT is with delight of the most frantic description that we hear of a
new adaptation of photography for cartes de visit. This invention,
which is at present confined to the French aristocracy, will doubtless
be adopted in England by the time these lines are before our readers.
Instead of the portrait of the individual who leaves his compliments, it
is now the fashion to have simply a view of the principal mansion of'
the swell,-the place, in fact, from which he takes his title; so that the
Marquis of Margate would favour his friend with a charming picture
of the jetty, or his Grace of Whitechapel with a view of the London
Hospital. Now, to say nothing of the great degree of intimacy which
must necessarily exist between the giver and receiver of the card
before it will be possible to make out the identity of the caller,-an
intimacy which must have extended to an amount of visiting sufficient
to make the place familiar,-how this will extinguish the snobs !
They can't imitate it, you perceive. Nobody could by any
possibility leave a picture of an ordinary two-storey house, as
an indication of their polite attention; so that MRS. KOOTOO, of 54,
Maple Eye Villas, is undone; while even the Elms, the Laurels, or
such distinctions as "lodges," "cottages," or "houses," are too much
alike to make an imitation of the aristocratic ciistom other t. :a
absurdity. Th6i curious part of it is, however, that theo liHliion is
obviously borrowed from the advertising tradesmen, and we shall
never see a carte dto visited of this sort without thinking of those bills
which are thrust into our hands at the doors of enterprising grocery
establishments, where a too flattering portrait of "No. 1, '' NAart," is
used for calling attention to our fine Souchong at Is. Gd., muclh
admired." As to KltE'ENS and SONS, whose property extends to Nos.
100, 101, 102, 103, 10t, 105, 106, 107, 10S, 109, 110, Jewry, andl at
the same time for twenty-seven houses round the corner, as well as
branch establishmnnts (country seats) in Arabia l'etrca, and Egypt,
they beat the dukes and marquises to nothing.
1IAY TREASURE FORl FARiMERS.-" licks pecuniamnn."
HONESTY OF TIIE MODEIiN 1'RESS.-A newspaper now-a-days is
never one-sided.
The Monument,
with a Song.
76 F U T. [NOVEMBER 9, 1861.
CAUTION TO RAILWAY TRAVELLERS.
WHEN WAITING AT A RAILWAY STATION, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS TAKE CARE TO SIT ONLY ON THE RECOGNIZED SEATS OF THE COMPANY,
AND NEVER ON LARGE PACKAGES OF MERCHANDIZE. OF THE NECESSITY OP OBSERVING THIS PRECAUTION WE HERE FURNISH A PROOF-
AFTER LETTERS.
THE THREE OTHELLOS.
Swinr, light-footed, and strange, with his own dark face in a rage,
Scorning the time-honoured rules
Of the actor's conventional schools,
Tenderly, thoughtfully, earnestly, FECHTER comes on to the stage.
Strong, dcop-throated, slow, measuring fully his rage,
Portraying his passion with might,
Follows the second in sight,
Pondering, rumbling, thundering, BROOKE rushes on to the stage.
Grand, impulsive, and quick, flashing forth fiercely his rage,
The heart of the mystery at length,
Forth plucking with wonderful strength,
Such an Othello we saw ere EDMUND KEAN went from the stage.
LORD MAYOR'S DAY.
S(By the Lord Mayor's Fool.)
WHVAT celebrated prizefighter ought to be a member of the cor-
poration ?-JEM MACE.
WHAT is the difference between the LORD MAYOR'S day and the
man in armour ?-One's the LORD MAYOR'S day, and the other's the
LORD MAYOR's knight.
HOW TO MAKE ONE POUND OF GREEN TEA GO AS FAR AS FOUR
POUNDS or BLACK.-Buy the above quantities in London, and imme-
diately send them both down to Bristol.
LISPING IN NUMBERS.
IN the new Education Code (which is certainly anything but a
Code of Honour, for it systematically breaks faith with every certifi-
cated schoolmaster in the government employ), we find that in order
to entitle a school to a grant, a child of three years of age must not
only be able to read a narrative in monosyllables, and to form on a
black board from dictation capital and small letters, but also to form
and name at sight figures up to twenty, and to add and subtract
figures up to ten, orally. To take a baby of three years of age, and
bid her play the part of a BIDDER, or to expect every specimen of
mortality to display at such a babe-age the proficiency of a BABBAGE,
appears to us unreasonable in the highest degree. It is true that at
three years of age we not only read and wrote fluently, but even
contributed articles to the Saturday Review (of linen for the wash),
and cut up (with a pair of scissors) everything within our reach.
But then we were always considered a remarkably intelligent child,
and to look upon such a star as a standard by which other folks'
children should bejudged, would be as unreasonable as to feel dis-
appointed because the every day (or rather every night) heavenly
bodies did not, in the matter of brilliancy, come it as strong as the
comet of 1858; whereas we know very well that had they shone their
utmost, not a planet or fixed star in nature's repertoire could have
hoped to have done a. tie with DONATI.
EVERY one who has been to Margate by rail must recollect the
Wye station. A neat thing in jokes was made here last week by
home-returning young BoPPS, who, when the porter put his head
through the window and shouted, "Wye! Wye!" smilingly replied,
"'Pon my soul, I don't know."
IF UTN.
INSPECTOR:-"I CANNOT RECOMMEND YOUR SCHOOL FOR A GRANT. THIS DISGRACEFUL CHILD IS THREE YEARS OLD, AND IS
UNFAMILIAR WITH THE FIRST FOUR RULES OF ARITHMETIC!"
PooR VICAR:-" THEN, SIR, AS I CANNOT DISCHARGE EVERY SCHOOL EXPENSE OUT OF MY INCOME OF 150, I MUST CLOSE
MY SCHOOL."
i I
I
I :
9
i
'II ;
II~
1__=1__==
_1
NOVEMBER 9, 1861.]
IFU 4N.
SO. AT LEAST, THINKS PUMP-COURT, Q.C.
"Members of the Inns of Court Volunteers who attend the
Conversazione at the opening of the Middle Temple Library
will appear in Uniform, wcithoit icig and gown."-(Vide Times,
29th October.)
That's unfortunate, as the combination of uniform would have
been novel and effective.
ON HER MAJESTY'S SERVICE.
CONSIDERABLE interest continues to be felt in the practical opera-
tion of the new scheme for the establishment of post-office savings
banks. The officials are very properly forbidden to reveal the names
of depositors; but we have it from pretty good authority that MR.
TIoImA BARING, LORD OVERSTONE, the MARQUIS or WESTMINSTER,
and MR. CHARLES MATIIEWS, have not yet availed themselves of the
facilities of investment thus afforded to the frugal and industrious
public. Sums of money have notwithstanding been already deposited
in every office yet opened, with the solitary exception of that at
Cowby. The postmaster of this important town, not having yet
received a single shilling, was written to, in terms of dignified rebuke,
by the head of the London office, who desired him to work the
scheme with more energy, and keep his superior constantly informed
as to its progress. The postmaster humbly replied that lie was ever
anxious to do his possibles; and that he had mentioned the subject
to a young man, who had promised to call, and was not very unlikely
to deposit. Last Friday the following telegrams were received at
St. Martin's-le-Grand:-
.Cowby, 9.10, A.M.
The young man is coming up the High Street. May I ask him what he will
take? I am ever anxious to do my possibles.
Cowby, 9.15, A.M.
The young man has turned into the Chequers. Will go and fetch him out,
and am ever anxious to do my possibles.
Cowby, 2.39, Pv.r.
Have been grossly insulted and struck by young man most brutal cowardly
way. Not going stan. Regret to state post office robbed in absence, but ever
anxious do possibles.
COnuIORT roR A REJECTED ACADEMNICI.AN.-Hanging's too good for
him.
CONUNDRUM BnY OUR FANCY BAKER.-When is bread most accept-
able ?-When it's 1:neaded.
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted (for thejfirst time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 8.-THE BALLAD OF THE PROVINCIAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN.
eot to be confounded with The Young Man from the Country."
I' r a youth up from the provinces,
It's my first visit here,
I've heard of London sights and thieves,
Of London milk and beer;
I come from Cheshire, and my hon e
Is on the River Dee,
I'm perfectly provincial,
But you don't get over me.
The first day that I stepped without
My lodgings, on a dog
I trod, I couldn't see it,
There was such a yellow fog.
My friends said though its stifling,
It's as wholesome as can be,
I'm perfectly provincial,
But I beg to disagree.
When it had cleared away they led
Me to Trafalgar-square,
Said they, "If you like architec-
ture only look up there,
That is the Briton's boast and prije,
The National Gallercc?'
I'm perfectly provincial,
But its beauties I don't see.
I went to i'- Princess's,
Where a ir rcnchman played Othello,
Some people said he wasn't good
Because he did'nt bellow.
lago he dragged down upon
His trembling bended knee;
I'm perfectly provincial,
But that's wrong decidedlee.
He saw his brown face in a glass,
Though in the text we find,
That even Desdlcmona read
His visage in his mind."
But lie's as great an actor as
You'd ever wish to see,
I'm '.. .. f l- provincial,
But we've none so good as lio.
I sought t; House of Parliamont,
'Tis not completed yet,
And saw the stonework peeling off
Already with the wet.
Said I, decaying e'er it's done,
No, no, it cannot be !
I'm perfectly provincial,
But oh! Sin CIIARLES BAnARCC."
DOMESTIC COOKERY.
To maicke a Sausage :oll.--Carry your sausage cautiously t6 hle i6,
of the nearest hill, and trfindle it carefully down.
To male a Triflc.-Buy FUN for a penny, and sell it at its l tru
value.
.Tain Tart.-Place your tart in the hinge of the door, and close
briskly.
Open Tart.-Insert your knife carefully, and lift off the upper
crust.
To Collar Beef.-Watch your opportunity, snatch up briskly, and
carry home under your coat.
Rim Slhru.b.--Pull up your gooseberry bush, and plant upside
down.
A Good Stuvf!ing.--The Lonn MAvYo'S dinner.
Hardbake.- Place your pastry in a fierce oven, and forget all
about it.
Dripping Dumplings.-Pop into water, and snatch out again.
Honey Drops.-Place your honey in a cullender, and watch the
effect from beneath.
Ti)
___I~_~ __ ___~_____~__ ___~_~~I~_
C _____
----- -- U\;~:
--
c~- ;--\
r, ---- --
~
80 FUTN.
DOWN ON THE ROCKS.
"WELL, EMILY! EVEN IF YOU HAVE IIURT YOURSELF, IT IS NO REASON
WHY TOU SHOULD MAKE USE OF SUCH BAD LANGUAGE.
Poor Emily had only remarked that she had fallen on the damp slilpery rocks.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1861.
ANACREONTICS FOR INVALIDS.
WINE! Wino! Wined
Wine that is called Quinine!
A table-spoonful ere I dine,
From bottle costing one and nine,
Shall make my nerves as strong as thine.
Let the man who has of late,
Got into a shaky state,
Who cannot bear the bang of door,
Who shudders at the city's roar,
Who shuns the shriek of knife on plate,
Who dreads the pencil's scream on slate,
Growing frantic, frenzied, wild,
At the squalling of a child,,
Strengthen his spTne,
By the wine, Quinine,
TI un.l f,.g i ,tha chicen onnrrl-ti-n fino
Nay, a spoonful, say,
But twice a day,
Shall make his nerves as strong as mine.
Wine! Wine! Wine!
Wine of the best Quinine!
Shall make you eager rush to dine,
With an appetite that's fine,
Health's unerring cheering sign.
Then let cats on tiles at night,
Serenade and spiteful fight,
Let the barrel-organ grind,
All the tunes the man can find,
Let each cry about the streets,
Deafen every ear it meets,
Let the cornet-player below,
Practice airs he doesn't know,
Yet a draught of the Wine,
Quinine, divine,
Shall make you bear those ills of thine,
And every day
A wine-glass may
Soon make your nerves as strong as mine.
WHY are our contributors likely to be poorly paid ?-
Because they only write for FUN.
JEWEL'S APOLOGY.-Paste.
MIISNOMER.-Cheap furniture is not "goods."
PAN AT THE PLAY.
Ruy Bias, a grand op'ra in four acts, and founded
Upon the French drama which FECIITER'S so great in,
Has equalled the anticipations which sounded
Absurd-go and see it; by no means go late in,
But get a good place, and dispose of your shins,
With your hat, ere the overture splendid begins.
And you will not enjoy it the less, flienfl, for knowing
You've not had to pay to the person for showing
You into a seat-an atrocious extortion-
Which was (it's a cockneyish rhyme) such a "caution."
At our playhouses once, like effete old Vauxhall,
You put down half-a-crown to see nothing at all;
For what with the circus, and what with the shows,
You found of ten shillings you soon could dispose;
The half-crown admitting alone, if you please,
To Eve at the fountain," a rather stiff breeze,
And little oil lamps stuck about in the trees.
ACT I.
The overture's over, the small bell is ringing,
Behold Spanish nobles a dancing and singing,
When enter the coolest and pertest of pages,
A character which, saints be praised, to the stage is
Entirely confined-for a page or a valet,
Who's permitted his master or mistress to rally,
And to sauce their grand friends as this young scapegrace Oscar, ha
Must, without any doubt,
On the spot be kicked out,
Sure as fate, or that LORD BYRON wrote the Tico Foscari.
Well, after some badinage, enter Don Sallust,
The bad heavy man, of the op'ra the ballast;
He says that he's waiting for Gudiel, his minion,
And its plain he respects a good deal his opinion.
For something he says puts him into a rage,
And forces him wildly to taking the stage,
And singing a scena remarkably well,
Addressed to the audience and not Gudi-el.
Tattered and torn,
Rather unshorn,
Enter Don Cccsar, a very high born
Spanish grandee,
One you can see
Possessed not of even a marave-di.
The valets are keeping him back when brave Rvy
Exclaimeth, in recitative, Men, what do ye ?"
Then finding the Don's his particular friend,
Zafari the valets away he doth send,
And sings a sweet thing in which sad hints he drops
(By this time its stuck all about in the shops)
About his mad love for-Ha ha!-for his Queen .
Overheard by Don Sallust and Gudiel, who're seen
By the audience, and not by the two down in front;
And Sallust, who seems not to care about blunt,
Soon discovers himself, gives Don Ccesar a purse,
Having sent off the lackey to dress, to rehearse
For quite a new part he would see him enact,
That very fine role of Don Csesar, in fact,
Whom he shakes by the hand, while he whispers aside
To GvdicZ, his "creature," to get him dekyed,
NOVEMBER 9, 1861.]
IFUT INT.
And packed off to India-while Ruy, now dressed
In very grand clothes, looking fine as the best,
Writes a document stating he'll always obey
His master, though nothing is said about pay;
And then from dictation indites a love letter,
Signs the name of Doi COesar for want of a better *
And is then introduced to the company round
By Sallust as Cassar--midst bowing profound,
For Spanish nobility bow to the ground ;
When all on a sudden, a march heard to sound,
With trumpeting, cymbaling, chorussing, drums,
Announces the fact that her majesty comes.
She passes, attired in the richest caparison,
While "Oh, bliss!" exclaims Mi. W. HAlRIsoN.
Act the Second-the Queen is discovered at work,
With a very grand dame, the Du-chess D'Alberquerque.
Well, Oscar, the forward young page, too, is there,
HIe's a "pongshong," as BUCKSTONE would say, for his fair
And mightyyoung mistress, but then the duenna-
Who, though her remarks are as bitter as senna,
Is possessed of so pleasant and kindly a face
That she seems to be really quite out of her place-
Keeps her eye on the Queen, and is not over nice
In giving her majesty pleasant advice.
Alone, the Queen seems at first faint, but gets better
Sufficiently soon to peruse a love letter,
Which appears to have been, with a bouquet of flowers,
Left by some one possessed of most wonderful powers
Of getting up high-it of course is the tenor-
On the balcony; where was the watchful duenna ?
The Queen, though of course she has ne'er seen his face,
Feels much comfort in eyeing a small piece of lace
(For a chord sympathetic that piece of lace strikes)
Which her unknown adorer has left on the spikes.
But she soon gets a note from her spouse which she reads
With disgust, then perceiving the messenger bleeds,
She examines his features, examines his sleeve,
And her very fine eyes she can scarcely believe,
When she sees that it's torn, and the small piece of lace,
That she found on the spikes fits just into the place.
'Tis R uy, that luckless but handsome young man,
Who's performing the part of Don C. de Btean.
Then the Queen doth in pieces the King's missive tear,
And she bursts into tears and a beautiful air,
And as Ruy sings high in his noble despair,
She faints on a very convenient chair.
Act the Third-Riu/ Blas, now a lackey no more,
Shows a lot of intriguing grandees to the door,
And then has an interview sweet with the Queen,
And a charming duet, in fact all seems serene,
For the King's turned an idiot, and gone from the scene :
When, horror of horrors 1 Don Sallust returns,
And still for revenge on his mistress he burns;
He's banished, but laughs at his foes in his sleeve,
And he's come back without any ticket of leave;
And proceeds round his Queen his vile meshes to weave
And the drop comes down slowly, as you may conceive,
On the wretched Ru-y, and the reci-tative.
Act the Fourth-an apartment exceedingly roomy,
Excessively ghostlike, and ghastly, and gloomy,
And very suggestive of everything tomby;
The hero alone is about to do suicide,
When enter the Queel, who glides softly up to his side.
She's been vilely entrapped to the house by Don S.,
Whose bad purport of course it's most easy to guess;
For a monarch to visit a lackey so low,
Is not quite what the beau cmonde would call come ilfaiut.
So they're both up a tree, and a splendid tri-o-
For Sallust has come in upon 'em you know-
Is then sung; it ends by the wretched Ru-y
Admitting he isn't a Spanish grandee,
But only-oh, agony!--Sallust's flunkee.
The Queen's indignation is natural quite,
For when you found out that young man so polite,
At WILKINS'S party on Saturday night,
Had been asked by mistake, and was found out to be
Not a son of LORD LIPTrao's, but only what we
Are accustomed to call an assistant "-you see,
" Shopman's" gone out of date-at five hundred and three-
(It's a very large hosier's) in Piccadillec-
You were very indignant, and kicked up ai shine,
And so, as a matter of course, does Miss I'rN'.
But even a queen has her feelings, and when
l'ily Llas seizes Sallnst, that vilest of men,
And pitches him over a paralpet ten
Or twenty foct p'raps froim the ground, at thl sanno
Time receiving from Sn llutlf, who dies very gam:11'e,
A deep stab in the back, slic's obliged to excliimi
She forgives him, although she shrinks back at his name
But at last, as she sees lie's not going to live,
She declares she will love him, as well as forgive.
Then she sinks on the stage, with no care for her dress,
Crowds of soldiers rush in, and blank horror express,
And the curtain descends on a brilliant success.
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
L,, II E hunting season, miy d,1ir
F U FN, has faiirly col nnctldcil.
With a hi ho chivy I ark fir-
Sward and backward tantivy!"
~S Our inaugural meet, which evel v
Sone greed was first chop, c;nino
S off beautifully,-nnd, as regards
my horse, so did 1. Our secoil
meet was held at the crlos roads,
4 I which on that occasion looked
Svcrypleasant. Old TOM the hunts-
S man was in excellent spirits, and
hA ^y\ ,X Lis serviceable brown halk nal-
peared as strong as ever about
the hioughs. There was also our
respected squire upon his bay mare, the Shier. I myself was
mounted on an Arabian, a good horse in the main, given to me by I he
SGrand Llama, whereby hangs a tale. Well, the low whimpering ,o
the dogs and the oscillation of their tails (which afforded an oppor-
tunity to every wag in the field) proclaimed that Slyboots (I allido
playfully to the fox) was not far off. The view holloa was given.
Ah! that glorious cry! What a thrill of pleasure at the sound ()1'
they went-off I went, for being at that moment unfortunnielv
engaged in blowing my nose, I was unable to accompany my nobli
animal as, with a gn:l:lm bonnd, he cleared a formidable-a very
formidable-post and rails. I was too lato for that post; but no
matter; we had a glorious run-at least I had-over three plouiglhd
fields and half a mile of bog country, without a single check, exceptl
when I left my right top-boot in a ditch at Marsh l ottoim. 31y
horse every one said went beautifully, nothing could come up to
him-I know I couldn't. Do come down like a trump, and have a
day with our pack. I can mount you, and we'll have a gallop together.
Yours ever, (or Fox.
Mungo Park, Dampshire.
P.S.-Inspired by the sporting day above mentioned, I throw ol'
(so to speak) a few spirited lines :-
Dull is the sky to the gazo of each eye,
Yoicks! yoicks!
When Robin the hlntsman comes trotting us by.
Chorst--Hark forward I away I tantivy !
Ili chivy! ho chivy hi he chivy
HIark away stole away i yo-icks !
Talliho! talliho! whoop! talliho
A good effect may be produced by singing the above with a horn
and a hunting whip. 'You know how I mean: sing-play horn;
crack whip-sing; crack whip-play horn.
GALLICAN LIBERTIES (WITH SYNTAX).
Jx the New Latin Grammar (possibly) to be edited by Moxsirsour
MEGLIA (author of the elegant Latin speech on the occasion of the
BISHOP OF CUnA.nEmR being invested with tho cardinal's hat), under
distinguished patronage, for the use of the PRINCE IIMPERIAL, the first
rule stands thus (for the present):-
SVerbum Imperialo concordat cum nominativo* Romano in numerous
et Personal:, ut (exemp. ad Papam).
Sera nunquam est ad bones mores via.
Nominative: Fr. Trams., Nomination. t Numero: i.e., a cardinal number.
t Persoiti: i.e., the Bxsnop oF CuAmsumniY.
/ ~___ ___
I
FU N.
[NOVEMBER 9, 1861
1.
3 f 'I
I I
-si
j~7
:-' '
Cad to "disguised" Friend :-"HALLO, DICK, MY BOY! VY 'RICHARD'S ITSELF AGAIN !'"
"Disguised" Friend:-" TUHEK! "
a, I
a Tue
PAW
* YTH
S F
ii I
ALMANAQK AND DIARY.
NOVEMBER.
Open-air meetings in Westminster Abbey.
Grand Cattle Show of British Bulwarks at Cowes.
Gunpowder Plot sent in (A.D. 1G05), and rejected by the manager
of the Theatre Royal, Westminster, on account of its vaults.
FUN rises-in popular favour.
First night of a new classical ballet at the Tuileries, in honour
of the French Emperor, entitled Paris and L. N."
Inaugural meeting at DAr and MARTIN'S to sympathize with
the Polish nation. 33BAIRN MARTIN on the bench.
LORD MAYOR'S Day. Morning rejoicings will commence with
"Appeal to the Public" by the bell-ringers of St. Paul's.-
AfPcr breakfast, Saturday Review by H.R.H.-Fusiliers,
Coldstreams, and Grenadiers will shout continuously until
they are hoarse guards.-The Blues will fire their horses at
intervals during the day.-Prisoners will be let of by the
magistrates from ton till four.-Bliud Man's Buff by rush-
light on the banks of the Thames by DR. LION PLAYP'AIR
and the Fellows of the Royal Society.
IWINDow GARDErNING FOR NOVEMBER.-Rise early, and commence
training the garden roller over the dining-room window. The junior
members of your family will doubtless assist you; the effect is novel and
pretty. Cuttings from slate pencils are also pleasing to the eye, but are
scarcely worth the trouble of rearing as late as this.
KITCHEN GARDEN.-If the frost is at. all severe, run a warming-pan
lightly over the celery beds.
SFiowNVE AND FANCY GARDENING FOR WINTER.-There is more amuse-
PEAK-CULIAR PARAGRAPH.
Ix the synopsis of the scenery in the suc-
cessful Surrey melodrama, The Idiot of the
Mountain, we find the following line:-
"Peak of the Eagle at the Hut of the Idiot."
Now, not having seen the piece, we cannot
imagine what this means, but we suppose,
either that the first word is misspelt, and
that what is intended to be conveyed is,
that the eagle, who is a Palmerstonian in
his architectural ideas, is piqued at the
Idiot's having employed GILBERT SCOTT in
the erection of a Gothic hut; or, that.
"Peak" is a gentleman from the City-
road who has gone to spend a pleasant
lunatic evening with his idiotic friend, in
which case after the words" of the Eagle,"
as they say in the Latin grammar, subaudi
"Tavern."
LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.-The Critic of
last week tells us that the new periodical,
Robin Goodfellow, is dead. We are not
much grieved. Its shape, size, and gene-
ral arrangements were so completely stolen
from All the Year Round, that it should
have been called, not Robin Goodfellozo,
but Robbin' Dickens.
IMEM. FOR MOssoo.-Why is the lassitude
which must sometimes come over the
leader of the Pre-Raffaelites be like one of
the most charming of French romances ?
-Because it is the Millais ennui (Mille et
une wuits).
A CON. FOR THE KURDs.-What is the
difference between the most productive
Alderney in the PRINCE CONSORT'S model
farm, and a gentleman who is so convinced
by MR. JOHN STUART MILL'S logical deduc-
tions, that he yields to him in argument ?
-The one gives milk, while the other
gives way.
HINT to country cousins who wish to
see the gorilla without the expense of a
trip to London.-Buy a looking-glass.
ment to be got out of your garden now than at any other time. Fancy
gardening in November may be carried to any extent by cultivating your
imaginative powers, and perhaps going through a course of fancy biscuits.
If the weather is very cold, sit before the kitchen fire, and fancy it is
summer. Look out of window, a'nd fancy that your two pair back is a
desirable residence standing in its own park-like grounds." Fancy your
back yard a garden filled with roses, fuschias, and carnations. If you can't
fancy the above, fancy that you can; in short, do whatever you fancy.
SOMETIIING LIKE LEATHER.-A patent has just been taken out for
making boots and shoes of wood by what is described as the
"Zopissa" process, and which is promised to render those useful
article more enduring and infinitely cheaper. Who would have
thought when we go to be measured for our Wellingtons, that we
should ever have to ask for two feet of timber ?
IN the puff-paragraph obituary of a recently deceased alderman,
we read: He was originally a miller, but soon quitted the business."
It is gratifying to find that theworthy man was not cut offin the flour
of his youth.
EX'ASPIRATING.-In Somerset House there is a clerk (we beg his
pardon, an employee) named Hill, who does not pronounce his h's.
The wags of the office have christened him the Malade Imagiairc-
because he calls himself'Ill when he is n't.
PRovERB ADAPTED TO THE USES OF SOCIETY, BY A MATCI-MAKING
MOTHER.-Position is nine points of the law.
OUR COBBLER'S LAsT.-Anomaly in shoe-making.-A boot is gene-
rally soled before it's bought.
JUDICIAL JOKE.-Torture for card-sharpers-the card-rack.
London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHABLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, November 0,1301.
I
I :~
NOVEMBER 16, 1861.,F 1 ;
PirrAcus first brought himself into notice by the artfulness hio
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY. displayed in a fight with PIIRYNON, an Athenian. 11o concealed a
net under his shield, and in the course of the combat managed to get
BY M'ASSA HOYLE. his adversary in a number of" lines," and having thus rendered hin
Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot. incapable of using his arms, dispatched him in the bravest, ninuncr
CHAPTER THE NINTH. imainable. His countrymen were so charmedl with his miaginanimnity,
that they elected him governor, a post which he gave lup after holding
SOLON died at the age of eighty, and considering everything, it is it ten years. His people wished to present him with a quantliy of
surprising that he lived so-lon. The only blot on his character is, land, and they tried to force a large tract upon him, but lie refused
that he amused his leisure hours by writing poetry, of a nature it like a man. One of his most sagacious laws was, that every mian
" unfit for publication," as the police reporters have it. This certainly who committed a crime when intoxicated was to receive double
derogates somewhat from the' esteem in which we should otherwise punishment. As people under that condition are supposed to see
have held him: in these highly moral days we can scarcely imagine a double, their crimes must, of course, have a magnified enormity, so
great legislator doing such a thing. Only fancy LORD DERBY corn- that PITTAcus's punishment was just one.
posing comic ditties of a doubtful character, or Sin E. B. LYrroN BIAs, who was not, as his name suggests, a one-sided person, but a
reading his last novel to the populace in Trafalgar-square. SOLON is very fair specimen of the philosopher.
also known as one of the seven wise men of Greece." From this CLEiOBULUs was remarkable for his handsome figure. His limbs
one may infer that there were six other wise men of Greece, and the were Leotard-like, and he wrote a very few verses, which nmay
remainder decidedly otherwise. THALES, pronounced by CICERO to account for his being considered one of the seven wise men.
be the most illustrious of them all, was a great geometrician and PERIANDER, a tyrannical ruffian, who said that "a man should keep
astronomer. He declared that water was the principle of all things, his word upon every occasion on which it did not clash with his own
and it would be unfair to contradict him in his absence. When in interest." Really, if the delivery of such astute observations as this
Egypt, he took the height of the pyramids by an exact measurement endowed the speaker with the title of a wise man, it becomes foarl'tl
of the shadow, which proves that he was very particular to a shade. to think of the intellectual qualifications of those who were not con-
CHILO *as a very curt and reserved philosopher, who, because he sidered wise.
seldom opened his mouth, and when he did, always said something To those is occasionally added the name of ANACIrAlSIS. Iie is
very rude, got the character of being a great man. His speciality supposed to have invented the potter's wheol,-pottcd woal was a
consisted in making remarks highly suggestive of the texts in later discovery,-and the second fluko of the anchor is ascribed to himi;
children's copy books; the most remarkable, and, indeed, the only seeing the first one, he is supposed to have said "Ancore," and lhavo
one which has become a household word, being Know thyself." We added the second. Anyhow, he achieved greatness by a fluke. After
may be absurdly obtuse, but we really cannot see that the composition calmly reflecting upon the necessary qualities requisite in tlhe days
of this remarkable sentence should give a man a niche in the temple we are writing of for the achievement of the title of wise man," we
of fame. We conceive the inventor of that great moral aphorism, cannot help wishing, for the sake of the Greeks and ourselves, that
" You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear," to be a much greater MR. MARTIN TUPPER did not exist in that caln and proverbially
man than CHILo. philosophic age.
I I I
V i II
:L =- T= --- ( ..
REMEnIER TIIE TIIENIANS
VOL. I. K
FAU
8.4,
-..-.-
', ---_ N.. .
": ._- --- -
: .
. 2 .--I : -. .\- ~ '
" ,, \st
HERE YOU HAVE YOUNG SWITCIIER, THE VOLUNTEER, WHO REALLY
OUGHIT TO HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO SIT -ON TLE EDGE OP'
THE BIG DirU[.
A WARM RECEPTION.
Wei had always understood that the person of an Ambassador was
sacred; that of a British Ambassador especially. We were, there-
lore, ino a little startled at reading the other day an account of tihe
reception of an embassy from the British Government to the Court
of tile EMI'ra:BO. or Monocco. The object of the embassy was to
endeavour to promote a settlement of dhe differences between the
Spanislh overniout and the Moors, as to the payment of the
dindnmity extorted by the former as a condition of peace. A friendly
mission enough it scents to us ; and when we find that the persons
composing the embassy were the British Minister at Morocco, his
attache, two distinguished naval oilicers, and the aido-de-camp to
the Governor of Malta, we should have thought the Moors would
have been very glad to see them. Possibly indeed they were; but,
- if so, they had certainly a curious way of showing it.
iO reaching 2teknas, where the EM-l'Eao resides, we are told the
distinguished visitors were met by "at least 20,000 troops, chiefly
cavalry," who turned out to receive them. Of course, resistance to
uch a force would be madness. So we read that-
r compliair'e with etiqieltte, our distinguished travellers, upon their arrival
at i~oknas, becant prisoner. of state. Four whole,days were they confined to
the precincts of the houo.h ouwichad lbeen allotted to them ; tnor were they soet
:it liberty until the ceremony of presentation to the Emperor had been com-
1leted."
We have heard of many queer things being done "in compliance
with etiquette," but certainly to tell our guests immediately on their
arrival to "consider themselves taken into custody," seems a bit of
et iquette that would be more honoured in the breach than the ob-
servance. Nor was the imprisonment a mere matter of form : for it
appears that they were absolutely and literally locked up.
However, the day fixed for their interview with the EMPEROI
arrived at last, and they were conducted fiom their prison by tle high
officers of state towards the palace, being roused out of bed for the
purpose at seven in the morning. (With us the worst of criminals
are not led out till eight.) The whole distance, we are told, was
lined with troops drawn up on each side-it is added "as a guard of
honour;" but to our thinking it looks much more like a precaution
- T. [NovEMBERl 16, 1861.
against any attempt at escape. They reach the court-yard of the
palace, where there are more soldiers.
"HIere," we are informed, "standing in front of the chief officers of state,
the Europeans took up their stations opposite the gateway through which the
Sultan was to approach. Presently he arrived, preceded by some handsome
led horses, and by about a dozen men walking two and two-oxc or anTH
BEINeG Ar EXECUTIONEE WITH AN AXE !"
The cunning Moors might well cut off all possible retreat by lining
the whole road with soldiers. Had they not done so we feel certain
-with all due belief in British courage-the embassy would most
decidedly have "cut and run"-at any rate we should, had we been
ten times an ambassador. An executioner with an axe! Of course
the English Government would have avenged us afterwards, but that
would have scarcely made it more agreeable at the time.
The presence of this terrible functionary, like all that had gone
before, was simply "in compliance with etiquette;" but after their
experience of the reality of their imprisonment, for the same cause :,,
dreadful doubt must have suggested itself as to how far Moorish
etiquette required matters to proceed.
They were reprieved, however, at the last moment; for we read
that, complimentary speeches having been exchanged between the
Ei\pr'ERo and the Europeans, the latter were free to return home.
The advisers who surround the EMPERO-S seem to have strange notions
of how to welcome their sovereign's visitors. Perhaps, however,.it is
not to be wondered atwheou we learn the class of people by whom ihe
Moorish Sultan really was surrounded at the time; We give tlhe
definition of them as we find it in the report:-
"A lar"e body of black mn nl-v-,I thoo-n niaints.r..: i ir, -L .''I crvicO
of the Sultans of Morocco, of .. the .. men,
now numbering many thousands, are entitled the 'Sultan's Black Guards "
If it was to these "black guards" that the arrangements of tho
reception were entrusted, we mast say that the proceeding was wor-
thy of their name.
A FABLE.
Ax aged lion-so says MR. GAY-
Within a cave remote, expiring lay,
Bat soon the brutes on which he erst had preyed,
Discovered where his dying limbs were laid;
They crowded round him with indecent jeers,
And stabbed his breaking heart with bitter sneers;
Flouted his staring ribs and lantern jaws,
His tremulous legs, weak neck, and palsied paws,
And mocked his broken teeth and blunted claws.
The noble bcast their jibes had nobly borne,
And writhdd with death's sharp anguish-nob their scrt-.;
When, lo! an ass approached his resting-place,
And flung its awkward hoofs into his face.
Slain-not by force of dolt-head donkey's lhels,
But by the pangs that in this shame ho'feols,
The lion-so by MR. GAY 'tis stated-
Straightway expires-basoly ass-assinated.
MORAL.
All through the season the gorilla roams
Mid gay saloons, in grand palatial homes;
Crowds of admirers round him wondering throng',
And fierce the w'arlfre learned men among.
The season over, from bright fashion's quarter,
Fashion's late favourite slinks across the water;
GRAY's bugbear-Ows:x's pet-the child of MunRAtv,
Leaves fair Belgravia for ignoble Surrey.
Of reputation shorn, with honours bated,
In a few months ho's super-annnated.
What lower step the hapless ape awaits ?
What deeper downfall have the ecuelates ?
What sinful worldlings tire of, saints receive;
The Tabernacle takes what Ball-rooms leave;
And last, to brim the creature's bitter cup
Of misery--lo! SPURGEON takes him up!
The scared gorilla sees his coming end,
And plaintive murmurs, Save me from my friend!"
Rqjoice, ye men of sense! The monster's reign
Is o'er! We ne'er shall hear of him again.
Who rescues rubbish when 't has reached the gutter?
So after Sp l RuON comes Oblivion Utter !
NoVEMBER 16, 1361.]
FTJN.
F URES OF FUN.-No. 1.
THE POLICEMAN,
HI ICI," as Mrs. GAmrI would say,
his name is Bobby." He has a dis-
tinctive right to that appellation,
j just as a waiter has to the name of
George or William. le is "a young
'- ~f uman from the country;" but after lie
f ha been in town for some time, most
-- l'~ people find it difficult "to get over
him." His face shines not with in-
S tellignce, but soap. lie is often
ia wanted, but seldom found at the
right time. He is frequently round
j {the corner. li looks after two
; things-a pretty housemaid and a
boy with a hoop. The boy calls him,
behind his back, a coppere r," and a
S- ":--- "'crusher," but before his fhee "sir."
IHe assures "sir" that "lie did not
go to do it," when his "cat." or ball
;: chucked" through a window. To young delinquents the police-
man is awful; to the poor orango-gil the words more on" aro as
the sounds of Fato. He is severe to the small offenders, and, like the
rest of human kind, gentle to the great ones ; but lie has much to put
up with, and must be regular on his beat. le is an "officer," but
c;an scarcely bo called a gentleman. It his been facetiously said that
ho holds a commission in the Blues. IH is the subject of sundry
caol old jokes, and it is said to be the cat which takes away all the
cold mutton. Io is presumed to be moro partialto o the cook than to
tho housemaid, for the cook can feed him with "tid-bits." He is
believed to know the way down everybody's area, and to be familiar
with the insides of most kitchens. According to most people, lie
should never be hungry, and should frequently have a leg of a cold
fowl or goose in his pocket with histruncheon. He is sadly used by
dramatic authors, andis always misrepresented on the stage. Ho gets
the worst in the contest with the clown in a pantomime, and is cajoled
even by the silly old pantaloon. The clown says, "Please, sir,
isn'tt me, 'twas the other boys;" and wien he turns, bonnets
him. He runs after the thief the wrong way, and is laughed at,
when he falls over a rope. Hie is used to make fun in farces, to be
boiled in coppers in pantomimes (upon which he turns out a soldier),
i:'d is called an unboiled lobster. He has long hours of duty, and
ye may never meditate, for while lie is thinking thie thief is
acting. To make up for the ridicule on the stage, he is a great
favourito in the papers. Ho may havo the greatest part of the world
done for him, but he always reaps tlio credit. Froii information
which has been received" lie is always on the spot; he captures tlhe
burglar in the nick of time, and is always called that active and
iintelligent officer A 1." Bat it is to bt noted that he is always a day
too late in murders and accidents, antd that the victim is just dead
when, like our special artist," he is on the spot. His greatest
enjoyment is when lhe has a case on." Ire loves the atmosphere of
the Old Bailey, and is of much importance when in a court. His
hig-hest ambition is to be an inspector ; and when lie arrives at that
p 'liat, he is much more bumptious than the magistrate, or the Lord
iLtydr himself. He is great in a public procession, and is admirable
int the way in which he keeps back the crowd. He is never seen
to play, seldom to smile. It is said that in his barracks he will
gambol with his fellows, play at making prisoners, and giving
in charge. Of late years he has taken to music, and is strong
with the bassoon. In lonely neighborhoods lie longs to practise
Shiis music in the open air, and has been discovered practising
his flute fingering on his staff. The policeman has but a melan-
choly life, has small pay, and does his duty well. A policeman
Ihas been known to turn poet, but ho is never a politician. lIe
despises the crowd, and always believes the accused guilty. lie
knows the worst side of human life, and looks upon all mankind as
possible thieves and rogues. lie has a general doubt of innocence,
but yet generally turns out a good husband and father. ie lo:,is
down upon the public as in the aggregate a stupid, blundering, help
lss animal, always getting robbed and run over. He is not without
a certain tenderness of heart, and he often exercises this upon the
p)'or destitute thief, whom he pities whilst lie condemns, for if his
profession teaches hardness and scepticism to human good, it also
te aches that people are not so bad as theyseem. Finally, the "Peeler,"
the "Bobby," the "'Crusher," or the" intelligent young officer," is
to be regarded as a useful member of society, for we are all of
us more or less indebted to the MLN IN BLUE.
THE BRITISHERS CRUMPLED UP.
[From t/he New York Kieirt'lic lcrald. I
T this moment (and we stop tlih press to
-- announce the import ant intelligence) wo
have received, per steamer Srt Scrpi 'l't,
S- CAl'. OAKis, which was detained ouiiidtl
-_ -- the harbour two hours in a fog, ti fit, l-
lowing astounding dispatch from n:lhg-
__ land:-In conse(1 ietnce of the stioppui:o
of the American trade, Liverpool is Id-
vrtised to be sold by aii tion, in (inn
lot; a'ichesterlevelled, and laid do iit
-- in meadows for graziTng hiih and St 5,'t
cattle (no foreign allowed,as DlIit \i, 1,1 ilt:
Shaken it on lense) N 31ii:ts, thlle l11idt,I,
-, Have a conltrnct to rct aN wall cilin 1v
around irlmliinghlan, ito formal it, il io ii.
,vast uniontAfll ,'c-i ot 10) '' hnor.-
ftr thoe rccepioni of lthe por mintttli-
.I l of Elg'lah nd,it is ;- 1, d on'(h n
Ia stia ot got a i ipl i ints till, Inhhii- ht
theo wholt I)uildingis diiply. 'IT i Nit,
has so much time, that they aro p'isley-ing ou(t, olltr lihir-:; to
mi up. Tlihe corporation of London exists no n'tre; lu)i 0hial of Il'
a'dermen seen s to increase, particnlalrly ton oi'ltl tli'he h)hl ilt:.;ll .
The impossibility to collect revenue has coming lh d Ilth QI( 1.1 \ (11io
Queen of the World) to quit Iluclkinghant I' nce, and lit- i]t 'r
SPJlR rGEON's Meutsic 1;ll (a ireiat pity). ''lite hl.it('ih ld ft fi nr
disbanded, and Windsor Ca.Gtlo turn((d into mi ranks fr Il1- \l.h-
teers, -who do the duty of the regular :ian1y. ('o. In.', l I lN ,
Commander-in Chief, has removed hiis irld-qiarlers (nillliltuih,
as lie never i iglht, he is not likely to litve Ili heli'd in (iarte'irs) ftl'tiit
the chateau of Whitceross-street to the 11orso (G yards, wlwre in
ftituro all applications to take thelo benefit of any nat noit doniie a Ie o be
addressed. N.'.PO.Oa,N with his usual disinicrected ideas, (Cod lIes
hlim!) offers to garrison PFortsmouth, PI'ymouth, and C(ibirathir,
against tlto expected alslck by tlholgrand s '-!ns-!i' n niivy, wlic.]l, wlI.n
they get the ships (on the nmill.t), will be ile li grcalest (thing !ilintl,
except their floating debt. Anil, ( i( a -'' ;or li the ]'li;' o
V.ALES (thil- forCm t mO o1f1 ll l hi0 s V(1 ii .-') ll t itl:ti a iitllimaii in a
lawyer's offlic in the Temple, and cmiiicd (on hi dui hs (which Ie
never neglects) on the 1st in.i., bit wisi so (i ut, al. f eli ws (h.,i tlih
governor lent him somi toga-ryn and anioldli;ti,asid paid liim ,i (tnl tli (rr'
salary in advance, which was, very act(,phltbl, a;4 lthe hlubl-ll(worllld
young fellow-(his appearance, however, will ;non got lhini a land-
some rich wife to boilc r hiis c i'ctisinstan('s) ish-l d (o ial:o h nlo
-oetihiig nice for his kind mother and flihlr, who h ia doie so
much for him.
The above de'p:l tch ith editor ocf I(e ', ri'i i 'il ,ucl (nm aIl ur lit lit
grand American people is a motnwlaous thltA. Tlie &d'spnit l]', hliowrvr,
carries truth and 'simplicity on its Fthe, an: wa sa id of ,Jtli
Al ut Rii. OrciL' 'S tfac, when wvorshipping fili iien' c'i ;utiiii]s al,
Southampton; and although the Briitishlra have lnot l'viaitl tIir
American classic Republic with thliat veneuration and respect duo to
ness, and have opened ata our oiico a O sbsciritliotn l'r I tt lih stivinl;
population of the doelnct Bitilish Eml)ir'e,-a few oldcontton gowns for
the women, and a chew of tobacco fbr the men.
ONE WAY 01 ],eOeL(IN(; AT T.-T I, commonly )believed in1 ll00r['(1,
that the duty is now taken oil' paper. This is quit.o a iisila]:; fur,
considering that wo have now paper hlis, paper ctlll r -, paper
bonnets, and paper everything, it is very ovidient tha!, fir lrin )m t'lo
duty being taken olf, many fresh ones have been imposed hon lhii, very
useful article.
ITr FOLOWS, or couSi,'n.--In one of ihen halfpinny jouirnnls wo
find thie announcfeomnti of a new story called Crit n .tr tits ilPvi;rlsh-
mcd. We can quite nuidfrstand lhat, frlo tlhe in lre O ti 0Iory,
it was a crime to write it, and certainly that it will b); a p1m)islinI',l,
to read it, which forms, as tho author may see, a very pretty silmit r
indeed.
AwvrU.-TfC M1r.sss. DEFir.s, the well-known Hebrnew gas-enginers
of ioundsditcl, were to leave their premises, why ought, fl-ir
neithbours at once to consult a phlysitia: n ?- -lHcause they'd be
suffering under a derangement of tLhe I, ,-trirdk J'.is .
F _U NT.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1861.
- ..~---.-l ---li
WHT-AT
NoW, nIIAT IN, fTHE WORLD CAN THIS GOOD WOM
NER TO IMAGINE FOR ONE MOMENT THAT BE VWA
scl ,!
I~
.-- j ~---
--i i`
iI ~ B
" rl-l I--~---:
1
1 I:;ii 1E
,.II
it
I~J
MODERN CLASSICS.-Est veritas
in vine ?-Vy, no.
SPRING TIME.--When the Cure
sings at WESTON's.
GREAT EXPlCTATIONS.-Civility
IITD-_,EIED I from the Civil Service.
Newo York Spirit of the Times-
AN SEE IN THE HON. TORSO PINKINGTON TO INDUCE Anything but cordial. London
NTS TO BUY ANY OF HER CONFOUNDED STAYLACES ? spirit of the times-gin.
JOHNSONIANA.
[WEI have arranged with a spirit medium for FUN, and he is in com-
munication with Di. JolrNsoN and MR. BOSWELL, who have just
emerged from Boswcll-court.]
DR. JOIIsoN.-"Sir, let us take a walk down Fleet-street."
M i. BosWELL.-I shall feel, sir, personally honoured by accompany-
ing you.
DB. J.-Look you, sir, what goodly, glorious weather. What plea-
sure have you had, MR. BOSWELL, since past August ?
Mu. B.-Sir, your august will is ever my pleasure.
Dn. J.-Tut, tut! But I have an exposition of thirst; let us enter
yonder hostelry. (Enter a tavern.)
DR. J.-Drawer, mix me brandy, cold. What take you, MR.
BosWEILL?
MR. B.-Sir, your condescension overpowers me. I will take a
tankard of fourpenny.
DR. J.-You are prudent; your brain lieth in less peril than your
stomach by such potations ; but, sir, the drawer waits-you may
loose your purse-strings. I have left mine in my nether jerkin in
Gough-squaro.
Mit. B.-Sir, I am profoundly honoured. (Pays.)
DR. J.-Now, sir, you may suggest a subject for conversation.
IMR. B.-Have you seen the new publication called Fux?
DR. J.-I have, MaR. BOSWELL, and it refreshes thought. Sir,
"there is but one step from the sublime to-FUN." After an ag-
glomerativo consecution of profundity, the human mind becomes a
decompounded concatenation of incomprehensibility. (Drinks.) Sir,
as one may step from "the cloud-capp'd towers, the gorgeous palaces,
the solemn temples, the great globe itself-in Leicester-square"--
MR. B.-" Yea, all which it inherit is about to dissolve," and--
DR. J.-Sir, I have had occasion before to deprecate interruption.
I say we may step from the Pantheon, the Parthenon, the Colos-
seum--
MR. B.-Which the other day was nearly destroyed by fire-
DR. J.-Silence, sir. I say we may step from the giganticallymag-
nificent Colosseum at Rome,-as from the Zenith to Nadir,-to the
Temple of FUN in Fleet-street,-or from the profound pomposity of
FLAVIUS JOSEPHUS to the serene immaterialisms of JOSEPHUS I MIL-
LERIUS,-nay, from the will-o'-the-wisp glimmerings of elaborated
scientific theoreticisms, to the brilliant and scintillated sparklings,
the corruscated and pyrotechnical skyrocketisms of FUN (Drinks.)
MR. B.-" Prodigious !"
DR. J.-Yes, MR. BOSWELL; in FUN there is triviality and frivolity
without puerility, wit without venom; and though in the pastime of
Aunt Sally there may appear an unwise consumption of time and
labour, and a breach of the abstract rules of humanity, in figuratively
breaking an elderly woman's nose; still, the amusement that gives
no pain may be enjoyed without regret; and we may pardon the pre-
ponderating incongruity of nonsensical elaborations if they sometimes
dispel splenetic, phlegmatic, and diaphragmatic humours by exciting
oar risibly appreciative approbation.
MR. B.-What a TITAN!
DR. J.-Nay, MR. BOSWELL, I am not yet tight.
MR. B.-Sir, I am astounded. DR. JoHNsoN, a pun! Have you
not said, "Who would make a pun would pick"-
DR. J.-Tut! pooh! rubbish! mistake! That remark of mine was
86
I
BLONDIN'S LAST (BUT TWO).
WERE any of our myriads of
readers at the Crystal Palace on
Thursday last? If so, will they
kindly ease our minds as to how.
BLONDIN managed to perform the
feat which was advertised the
previous day ?-"BLONDIN will
carry a man on his back over
the high rope in the centre tran-
sept." How on earth could he
do that ? We know he can walk
along and sit upon the rope, and
cut all manner of capers up there;
but how he can walk over the
rope without breaking his neck is
a mystery, unless, as his name
implies, he is formed of five-
sevenths blond, when he might be
able to do it.
SMILES AND TEARS.-An un-
charitable French proverb says,
Man, woman, or child was
never yet helped by TIERS ;"
the English of this must be that
Self-Help is by SMILES.
TESTIMONIAL TO TIE BOUCI-
CAULTS (FROM THE NOTE-BOOK OF
B. WEBSTER, Esq.) -" Highly
accomplished couple, my dear
boy; they play, sing, and-ahem!
-d-aw.
QUERY BY SPINNING JENNY.-
Could a loom worked by steam
ever become a heir-loom in a
family ?
NOVnMBER 16, 1861.]
FU T T.
villainously misinterpreted. My friend DIcl SAVAGiE had returned
from a wild harum-scarum frolic in the hop districts. I remarked to
GOLDSrITII, of SbAVAGE, who was an adept at word contorting, that he,
who could make a pun, could pick a pocket-of hops. Soe you ? But
come; how stands the exchequer?
Mn. B.-Sir, the funds are exhausted.
Diu. J.-Then leave your sword-a sort of guard in tierce-and let
us leave the house. (They emerge to the street.) Really I am in
spirits-I shall sing-(sings):-
"Oh, ruddier than the cherry,
Your nose is-and how very
Blithe and light
I feel this night,
Let's dance then and be merry." .
(Takes BoSWELL, andZ dances hiim into the road.) Stay-I shall smoke. '
You, MI. BOSWELL, smoke not the contemplative weed, and have no
love for a pipe.. i ./
MR. B.-Sir, you are mistaken; I love-I clearly love-the bagpipe.
At the name of this instrument-one of the doctor's antipathies-- "'- .
our medium could no longer retain the learned man. His spirit no I / /
longer responded-and BOSWELL of course followed.
'"CROWNERS 'QUEST" LAW. /
-- --- if lErE must be something very rotten
.. rit e system upon which our
.- 1 -.il .. .-.er's inquests are based. A
- L -,' '1 few days ago GEoRGE DAVIES and
JEMIsMA MORGAN attempted to com-
i -mit suicide by swallowing laudanum.
S Fori some time the man had been in
a desponding state of mind, and had
frequently declared his intention to
Commit suicide. The girl, who
J t i A appears to have been strongly
S attached to him, attempted to
Dissuade him from his purpose, but
i i in vain; so she resolved to die with
I him. Each of them accordingly
Swallowed a wine- glass full of
S laudanum in a tumbler of bitter
beer. They then retired to bed "as
-[" if nothing had occurred." DAVIES
died and MonciAN recovered. The
7 coroner's jury found "that the de-
ceased died from taking laudanum,
whilst in a sound state of mind, by
his own hand, and that the prisoner
was accessory to the act." So the
Spoor girl stands committed to take
S her trial for wilful murder at the
Snest Chester assizes. Now, when-
-l' ever a man commits suicide without
o any apparent provocation, the law
charitably regards the act as that of
-- -- a madman; and a jury in such a
AN IDEA SUGGESTED B7Y MODERN iFASHION--S'I TI1 CRlCODII.E
EONNET AND THE SEAL SKIN CLOAK.
FUNERAL ODE TO 3M'2MANUS,
BY PATrRIiCK LA\EII,I P.P.
Ocui, TEsENCE': 'M'slAIILNUS
Ye died in your harness,
Just barring, 'twas not in the liel ;
Sure tlih Saxon, the villin',
By inches was killing ,
The patr'ot that niver would yield.
\Vlhilliloo whoop !
Whlilliloo whoop !
Down with the Saxon, and
Whoop whilliloo!
Och, CUi.lEx's provi-iied
ease invariably returns a verdict of Yor wake (he's not sinted,
"temporary insanity." What could the Chester jury have seen in The' he wears the Episcopal lawn);
this case to distinguish it from the thousands of cases in which Och, CULLEN by me,
verdicts of" temporary insanity" have been returned ? The despond- Ye'll never more be
ing condition of the unhappy man for many days before the com- Called CtU.LN, nmy ownl CrI.ui IlAir.
mission of the suicide, the horrible calmness with which the poison Whillio, etc.
was taken, the subsequent going to bed, "just as if nothing had
occurred," all tend to point out this case as one which should have
formed no exception to the general rule. But if the Chester jury had RDnLE BY THIE INIMITUIBL I MAC-KEY.-Yah yall! yah! (,,,
found that DAVIES, who died, was suffering from temporary derange- s ildly.) Lookyo he-arce, nigger. Why am me like MISTEiR ER VIN
ment at the moment of taking poison, MORGANT, who recovered, would JUA s? (Stam2s his foot rorf nhistlrs.) 'Cause me am dis-.ard.
have been acquitted on the ground of insanity, so in order to punish Yah! yah! yah! (Chuckles ani dances in ar inimitable manner.)
the unhappy girl, his accomplice, they brand the dead man as a
.responsible self-murderer. For if JEMIMA IMORGAN had died with THi re-elected Loan) MAIvon has great expectations for tIh y,':
GEORGE DAVIES, a verdict of "temporary insanity" would have ensuing. He finds in himself a resemblance to SiAK.sr.Eain:; Ihis
followed as a matter of course. most delicious inspiration being "A Midsunmmer (K)nilght'C I)nream.":
There are three conclusions to be drawn from this melancholy case, THE author of the following can havo a cheque for any amiiour1m, iiulpol
and they are these :-1. He who attempts to commit suicide, alone, calling at our office,-provided lie will not annoy ius fblr tihe fitiiin.: -
and succeeds, is a man to be pitied, for he is mad. 2. He who Why is a man walking on wet grass lil:ke a ank draft unpaidl ?-
attempts to commit suicide with another, and succeeds, is a man to Because lhe is over dew !
be blamed, for he is sane. 3. Ho who attempts tocommit suicide with OPENING OF A NE: LoNnoN AssuAiNxc;: CowI.I'Y. MR. and Mits.
another, and fails, is a man to be hung, for he is a murderer. CHARLES r ATHIIEWS At Home."
WHY is DEERFOOT sure to win all matches?- -1lcausie e F ins
THE LtCIIT or OTHER DAYS.-Torch-light. like FUnN i
S)9
F TJU NT.
[NOVEMBER 16, 1861.
iib
; tI~i/a
\l'I ALL IIAVE OUR PECULAIR NOTIONS ABOUT DUTY. IS N'T THIS
A VERY HAPPY ONE?
A MOOR PROPRE.
__
AWAY with conventionality? decidedly. And tradition! what is it? PAN AT THE PLAY.
liosh. That being the case, we want an acting edition of SIIAKSPEARE'S EALLY it is too bad. In America all
plays. I ask you, are those old paper-covered monthly numbers of the the actors are turning sa d i ers a and
bard's works ready for the boards ? I'll be bound they're not. Sir, I the actors are turning soldiers, and in
am ill at these numbers" (sic). Am I an innovator ? Not abit. I would England they are all turning either
not change a letter of the WILL for all the notes in the world. What comic singers or "entertainers." Ma.
then ? Ah, sir, it requires no seer to tell us that a new. era is at hand. CHARLES MATHEWS is going to quit
Do I explain myself ? No? Very well, then, I send you the last scene of / the stage for the platform (I beg your
O thello, in which I have mado several judicious cuts to illustrate the poet's pardon, MR. SPURGEOx, but there is
Ineaning, and (it being a representation copy) have added a great deal of no other word), and we are to have an
now business," which being entirely original and my own, is no business At Homne, in which he is to be assisted
of any one else's.-Yours ever, AI.F. PRICE.
by his blooming transatlantic bride.
SCENE LAST. It must be very good to be successful,
A Bedrhamber, with a French bedstead in it. DESDEMONA not dis- the public has been surfeited with this
,orered, being behind the curtains of the abore, asleep. A large pier. kind of thing, and even the magc
lass in some part of the room. A very small window over the chim- name of MATHEWS will be insufficient
siy-piece. Gas burning. without good material and "origin-
Chorus (without) singing-" Oh, Willow! we have missed you." ality." The great charm of the REEDS'
EhtcCr OTIIELLO, ery pale; he looks in the pier-glass, reflects for a minute, entertainment is its originality. MR.
then throws the glass out of window. It is heard to break, particles .- SHIRLEY BioosKS' Card Basket is
fil in at the, window, and, OTIELLO treads on a bit of broken glass; he written in th spirit of genuine comedy,
$;^arts, then takes oB his shoe and finc1s a hole in it. written in the spirit of genuine comedy,
sOthello. It (alluding to the anpertu) is the iuse my sand M R. JOHN PARRY'S pantomine song is the kind of thing that only
Othello. It (alluding to the aperture) is the cause, my sole! JOHN PARRY can do. Mln. W. BROUGII'S more broadly funny portion
[In anot' s llpiece oj ilass, ahie sddefl/liesi at t of the entertainment is also capital; in floct, it is unique.
Sout tha e is blk Ma. STIILING COYNE'S new farce at Drury Lane, the Terrible
Discorig that ac is lack, he t out the ligt.et Secret, has introduced a new comedian, MR. ATKINS, from Birmingham.
When I shave plckd at hisfae is blac, hre trns out the e. He appears to have a find of quiet, unexaggerated humour, and will
When I have p Ick'd a rose, [Pls a rosero aywhee. be a great acquisition to the London stage. The farce is a good one,
I'll smell it on a tree.
[Climbs up the boot-tree and inhales. and serves to show Miss Louisa KEELY to advantage. The new farce
But they are cruel tears. at the Olympic, A Legal Impediment, is very extravagant and rather
[This is said aside, and alludes 'to the probable non-applause weak, but it provides IR. ROBSON with a part somewhat akin to
in the boxes; he then sits at table and writes despatches. several others he has played, and is consequently a success. The
7Te pen spluttes. Princess's is crammed on the FECHTER nights." Ma. FECHTER is,
Desdemona wakingg suddenly, and asking a very natural question). I understand, an accomplished sculptor; one thing is quite certain,
Who's there l he draws wonderfully.
Othello (with likely badinage). OTHELLO.
[Rolls his eyes violently for five minutes.
Desdem ona. And yet I fear you when your eyes roll so.
[Pause. OTHELLO does nothing.
Alas Why gnaw you so your nether lip.
[OTHELLO gnaws his nether lip, and seems to like it.
Desdemona (seeing that he is not inclined for further conversation,
tries to come to some arrangement for getting a good night's rest).
Kill me to-morrow.
Othello (who is a Quaker). Nay. It is Two- late
[Looks at his watch, touches the spring of the repeater, it strikes
two: he winds it up, lays it down on dressing-table, and
then proceeds to put the pillow on DESDEMONA'S mouth :
finding this insufficient for his purpose and her end, he
piles several pieces of furniture and a valuable wardrobe
on the bed, waits a few minutes : ticking of mattress and
watch is distinctly seen and heard.
Othello. So, so! [Alluding playfully to the state to which the lady is
reduced after undergoing the above proceedings.
Knock at the door heard.
Emilia (who has entered the house through OTHELLO'S negligence in
not fastening the street-door). I would speak with you.
Othello. Yes. [Ramoves furniture. Enter EmILTA.
Emilia (jumping to DESDEMONA'S sudden conclusion on entering the
premises). The Moor has killed my mistress.
[OTHELLO is rather taken aback.
Enter MONTANO, IAGO, G1ATIANO, and NERISSA. (I.B. See how the
unities are observed.) EMILIA whispers to OTIELLO, IAGO sees at
once that she is telling the Moor everything, first runs through his
wife, and then runs through the door.
Othello. Precious villain! [Music, renolo, with bursts of melody.
MONTANO and GRATIANO rush out, but at the door are stopped by the
body of IAGO, who has been tripped up by the looking glass which
was thrown out of window at the beginning of scene; they bring
i m back, and CASSIO enters wounded.
Othello (seeing at once by CAssIo's manner that he (OTHELLO) has
been deceived). Fool! fool! fool! (Politely bows an apology to CASSIO,
who thought the epithet intended for him.) Set you down this. (IAGO
places a chair for him, which is indignantly kicked over by OTHELLO.)
That in Aleppo once (...; .i .. .. to Aleppo; MONTANO appears
V i .1' I took by -he tLr.::rr--..... IAGo to French bedstead, and
Knocks his head against the post)-a turbann'd Turk (puts the hand-
kerchief round his head, in ..'' ,', i,, and smote him thus. (Stabs
hiinself in such a manner as to show hls accurate knowledge of anatomy.
Then falls on IAGO, who falls on CASSIO, who falls on MONTANO,
who falls on GRATIANO, who falls on whoever happens to be next, who
utters a cry which falls upon the ears of the audience, as the curtain
Falls on the scene. TABLEAU.
ITOVEMBER 16, 18G1.]
F-U ITN.
"I SI-SIIAY OL EGAL, -ICII L-WAY TOO REGENSH SHIRtCUSS?"
THEATRICAL CORRESPONDENCE.
TuE following advertisement appeared'the other day in the Times:-
To THEATRICAL COMPOSERS.-An Amateur wishes an experienced Theatricasl
Composer to remodel a play, partly melodramatic, partly operatic, which is said to
possess merit, and with the aid of some experience, is likely to prove successful. Address
WVInsLow JOIIasro, Post-office, etc.
We can very easily imagine the advertiser receiving the following sug-
gestions :-
FR03 MR. J. MADDISON MORTON.
My dear WINSTON JOIINSLOW,-I mean JOINSLOW WINSTON,-I am your.
man. It is no use your telling me I am not your man, when I say I anm your
man; because if I am really and truly your man, how preposterous it is of
you to pretend that I am not your man! (Bonnets him.) So, my dear
WINJOIIN TONSiOW,--I mean SLOWSTON JOHNWIN,-I am the man for you. (Hit:-
him in the chest.) Melodramatic? Operatic? Hydrostatic? Mathematics ?
Any other attic? (Breaks crockery.) Name your terms. Give your terms
a name. One thousand ? Two thousand? Three thousand ? Oh, bother!
say four thousand, and have done with it. (Exit rapidly, R.U.E., running
against servant, and bonnets him.) Twig ?"
FRos -MR. Tot TAYLOR.
"I shall have of the most great felicity in you doing the service of which
you have necessity, my dear mister. I desperate that my name is not of tilw
most obscure. I am an author, Britannic dramatic, but I know very well the
French. Ask ye of M. CHARLLs DE BERNAiR about my Still Waters. 1
make you respectcously, my salutations the most profound."
FRno MR. CIAnLEs READER.
If you do not employ me, I will put a brand upon your name for ever. I
will make unborn generations curse and yell, and hiss at your vile memory,-
yea, parish idiots shall spit scorn upon your wretched tomb. Hah! What do I
see? Yonder goes MR. MUDIE, round tho corner! Quick! my hat and(
gloves! And bring me my loaded cane!"
]:"11 11Z. PION BOV 'I'U /P.
"I have a capital idea for your piece. (th, a waior cave,
and let some o1, plunge in after the heroine. This has
answered remarkably well in a piece which I have jslt
brought out at the Adelphi.'
Fito, MiR. PirTZIIAIl..
Hush! Woe are observed. Plight iue thy rolth. I am
a "theatrical composerr" JOIINsTON. l'ly! The e (,s of
jealousy are bit later' than the raven tresses of Cemory't; Ileet-
ing lake. IIa! ha:! hialh! Talk not to mil of happiness. I
will remodel your piece for yen, hut I must be allowed to
name my own terms for doing so. Meet me, on a Fridany, in
a cavern. I will bring pen, ink, and daggers. 'Sdeathl, int
ALrnoxsso! G rr!"
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted (for tse first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 9.-A MEDLEY SONIC STPPOPED' TO BE PSING BY T111'
GORILLA, WITH. FOllIGN GRACI'ES TO NATIVE AiRS.
Air -" Skidamalink."
Tlis kid am a link, they say, Iicigho!
'Twixt beasts and human nature,
And that my features simply show
Of man's a cnri-caturo.
They've gone and brought, me over here,
From regions equatorial,
Not only to adorn a tail,
But likewise point a morial.
Air--" Sally, come Il."
Tlhrouglont the bygone season 1.
Have been of crowded salots li-
On, but now shall 1 lie by
Till next, when I shall rally.
Oh, such a sell!
Some people tell
The world I am
A perfect sham,
And others I'm a riddle.
Oh CIIAII.iL, comO up,
ClIAILILU, come down,
h efrto the lies spread through the town :
Don't knit your brows and simply friown,
Silence is suicid-al.
Air-" 01l Bob Ridley."
Tn-white folks, to your dingy city,
And then behave quite without pity;
No individual I'll name,
But simply say that it's a shame,
To old gorilla show;
This sort ..I tl ,,,., you know,
It is not '- !.. ,' faul, lo ohl
To old gorilla, oil I
Air-" The Pcrfect Cure."
I've seen a certain MISITE STEADl
Dance what is termed tlio Cure,"
And how he does in't lose his head,
I cannot say, I'm sure.
'The swift way lhe goeo up and down,
This thought suggests to me :
)no day all's fair," the next done brown,"
That's popularitee.
Air-" In the Strad."
My luckless form has been revealed
lu the bow-window of the Field,
In the Strand, in the Strand;
They also made a farce on nro,
'Twas acted at the Adel-plho,
In tihe Strand, in the Strand.
A comic song they've written,
And a picture show,
Where I something look
'Twixt AnRGTLE'S Duke
And ElnwAn \i BU3IWEr1 LY'r'ro.
9l I
~~ ___~ ~_______~
rFUTVN.
[NovEMBERi 16, 1861.
C OUE J.
7anrier:-"ThTr'S A VERY GOOD REPRESENTATION OF A GORILLA, OPPOSITE YOI:, I THE FRAME, SIR!"
REVIVAL OF THE SLAVE
TRADE.
WE found the following the
other day :-
G ASFITTERS, PLUMBERS, and
GLAZIERS. Cash-buyers will
save 15 to 20 per cent. A large stock
of Barrels and Fittings always on
hand at -
Now, what can be the meaning
of this, unless it is that men to
work at the above trades are to
be bought ? If cash-buyers will
save 15 to 20 per cent., what is
their price on credit? As to the
second part,-"A large stock
of barrels and fittings,"-we do
not know what that means,
unless they are stowed away and
brought here in barrels, and the
fittings refer to the manacles, etc.,
with which they are bound, and
which is a very good name for
such articles, as there are many
kills through their use.
QUESTION FPO CIVIL SERVICE
ExAMsNATrIN.-When do mem-
bers of the Civil Service in India
quarrel?-At tiffin' time.
CONVERSAZIONE AT LAMBETH
PALACE.-A tite-a-tdte.
AN ODD QUESTION BY A COCK.
NEY.-A nod's as good as a wink,
etc.; could a wink be as good as
an 'od to a bricklayer.
ECCLESIASTI CAL.-Would the
daughter of a canon be any rela-
tion to the son of a gun ?
WHEN does a Quakerinsult alady?
-When he says, "Thou be'st."
ALMANACK AND DIARY.
ASTRONOMICAL AND METEORILLOGICAL NOTICES.
\ind-high. Temperaturc-LOWE. (Royal Observatory, Greenwich.)
N.B. -For economical reasons there will be no New Moon this month,
as the old one, being in excellent repair, will still be retained upon
the establishment.
NOVEMBER.
10 5 At St. Surplice Without:-Morning: REV. J. M. NEALE on
Maattings. Evening: DEAN TRENCI on Pitfalls.
II1 M Opening in State, by members of the Tonic Sol-ft Baths, the
SNew Royal Sea-air and Bathing Grounds, St. Martin's-lane.
I Admission half-price.
12 T: i Horticultural Showi at the Royal Exchange, by the Joint Stock
Companies.
1: W FI1N. rate firing af 80, Fleet-street, weather cold or not.
1 1 'T l S.uIIrr born, A.D. 176i0.
1., i Anniversary of the Lauding of the First Wave-held at
Riplcy, Surrey.
I; S Soiree at the House of.Lords. To.o SAYERS, assisted by the
S members of the P.R. (Precious Roughs), will sing a few
rounds-" When the wind blows," "Black-eyed Susan," and
S"Tio Jolly MIiller" (arranged in two parts). Private
Boxes (with gloves), Gd. (vuljo, "tanner.")
KirrT('!:. GARDeVN'-Aq-. -n-", vegetable marrow, and young peas
1m1: lio looked for .ii... t .. it is as well, however, to caution young
gairdieners against spending too long a time in the proceeding. If you have
a 'leartl of fruit, walk down to the water-side above Richmond, gather the
'iurrents of the Thames, which are running (probably to seed), and return
lhmon in triumph.
FLOWER G ARDEN.-Rake up dead leaves, soil, stumps, sand, gravel, and
anv other rubbish into a heap, then turn over it (somersaults, if convenient)
until you are tired or hurt yourself; the effect from your neighbours'
windows will be novel and pretty.
RECEIPT FOR A WARM AND GRATEFUL DtRINK.-(Extracted from the
Works of BISHOP BEVERIDt;E.)-Take half an ounce of the best raisin
pips, the same of lemon, .with one of the best Wallsend, one drachm and
a half of finely-powdered ch lk, simmer carefully on a gridiron, and drink
suddenly.-N.B. The foregoing is at bed-time-(the very last thing) to be
taken.
MEMORANDA FOR THE MONTH.-(From J. RoBINsoN's Note-book.)-
Mem. To ask who took my new hat after our ball. Mem. Find out to
whom I lent my guinea umbrella. Mem. To get that two pounds ten from
JONES.
M3Em.-(From JoNEs's Note-book.)-Avoid RoBiNsox.
MARRY-TIME EXTRACTS.
NOVEMBER Sth.-The Mary Ann, of Belgravia, was severely spoken
to this morning, having been in collision with the X.Y. of Brompton,
with considerable damage to her bows. She had a cargo of eggs and
butter.
The Eliza Jane, bound from Pimlico to Pillar Post, with post-office
instructions, went out of her course, and ran upon the green bank by
the ornamental water, St. James's Park. Got off with loss of temper.
The Harriet, of Hammersmith, having the Perambulator in tow,
went upon the Suspension Bridge, and striking against a cake and
apple stall, filled rapidly. The Tommy and Sally, of Battersea,
grounded at the same spot, and were obliged to have a tug before
they could be got off. Squally, with wet.
Arrived.-The Dowager Countess, screw, from the continent. H-ands
put on short allowance all the way.
Departed.-The Lady Flora de Montmorency for St. George's, where
she will change owners.
THEATRICAL.--M.. PAUL BEDFORD is, in our opinion, as good as MR.
BoUCIcAULT; for though the last-named gentleman takes a tre-
mendous header, surely MR. BEDFORD takes a tremendous tailor
London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CIIHARLES WIIYT t, at the Office.0, Flet Street, EC.--Saturday, NovemberI6,1801.
~_i __ __
_______
i
NoVEMBER 30, 1861.]
FUNr.
Old Gentleman from the Manufacturing Districts (with anxicty) :-" ANYTHING ABOUT A.lERICA, SI; "
Sporting Gent.:-"No, SIR, NO. NOT EVEN MENTIONED IN THE BETTING "
MINISTERIAL INTELLIGENCE.
[A room at Cambridge House. The Ministers are assembled in
council. On the table lie papers, apparently covered with hiero-
glyphics, but in reality specimens of Foreign Office caligraphy.]
LoDn PALaERSTON:-Here we are again, all alive, like the shrimps
at Margate. Well, boys, how do you feel after your holidays? I guess
we've been imitating the whales and people in difficulties, and doing
a deal of spouting since our last meeting.
EARL RUSSELL :-Yes, the popular mind has to be enlightened on
the peculiar glories of the British constitution in general, and Ministers
in particular. I'vedone my little utmost.
Lo D PALERSTON:-The length of your speeches, JOHNNY, has
been in an inverse ratio to the size of your body. But now to business,
and as "sensation" is the order of the day, if we don't look out we
shall enjoy the now one of being kicked out of office.
Mn.'GLADSTONE:-I don't care if we are. I should then have time
to finish my translation of MARLTIN TUPI'ER into Greek iambics.
DUKE OF SOMERSET :-By-the-bye, what an artful move that was of
the Conservatives trying to smother our votes in the Registration
Courts.
LORD PALMERSTON :-Now, small one, why don't you say something
about throwing COATES over them ? It's in your line.
EARL RSSELL :-No, it isn't. But fancy signing sixteen thousand
objections! The man must be a species of autographical DUMAS; and
then to have had all his trouble for nothing.
SIR G. C. LEwis:-Ah trouble is one of the few things that can
very often be got for nothing.
MR. GLADSTONE :-True, but not new.
LoRl) WESTURY :-So my Bankruptcy Bill has como into operation,
and promises to work well. All can now be whitewashed out of tho
same pail.
DUKE or NaEWCASTLE :-A real boon to the upper ten. itd, what's
the reason that whenever a legal bill comes into operation, so many
books of general orders and explanations instantly spring up tfrom
all quarters ? Is it to simplify our beautiful parliamentary literature ?
LonD PA1,LMIERSTON :-On the lucts anon, ltcclndo principle,--making
a foggy subject foggier. Besides, it employs tho briefless barristers,
keeps them out of mischief, and puts money in the pockets of tio
publishing fellows.
Mil. MLILNER GIsoN:--They'd much better be writing slashing
leaders for the government in tho cheap papers. Law never does
good to any one.
Loln) PALMiasToN :-Who said it did ? But how about reform next
session?
OINES:-Oh! (and prolonged groans).
Loni PALMERSTON :-Yes, you n.ay "Oh!" but unless we pay smine
attention to our free and enlightened constituents, it will be a ease of
tnrn out without tea for us and our supporters when wo como to face
them, as I expect we shall do next year. We shall find them like tim
grouse, uncommonly shy birds. Besides, BH.iHT anld his lot aro
beginning to kick up another row about it at Leeds and in the north.
EAr, RulssEI, :-IHang BRIGHT(ui Who cares for Bllllm ? Thlo
country don't want reform. Look at the way my effort was received.
In fact, my opinion is--
OMNES :-Finality!
EARL R. SSELL (furiously) :-It isn't-it wasn't- it, never was -
it-- (lHere the nuble speaker, in his excitement;c, lost his blwHacet', inl,
yea. ~. 31
10 ;
YOL. I.
31
10i
FUT N.
reiiie' l ul wr the table, hic;ice he did not reappear for some minutes,
awl the srlject was dropped.)
LoIi) P.ALIEIISroN :-NOW, GLADSTONE, touching the money-bag.
The income-tax is coming off this time, of course?
31Ai. GLADSTONE:-With a hook Not if I know it. It's too con-
venient a lover to raise the national wind for me to be a reliever. But
I won't increase it-if I can help it. I gave up the paper-duty---
MaR. MILNEit GIBSOx (proudly) :-That was my doing.
MI. GLADSTONE :--Well, and you're going to get a testimonial-
silver coal-scuttle, boot-jack, or toothpick, or something of that sort
-from a grateful nation; so don't make any more noise about it.
Still, I am in doubt about the cash business,-and so further particu-
lars in our next, as the newspapers say.
Sit (G. C. WooD :-I hear the TURNER pictures have gone back to
PI'ppor-pot lIouse.
-)DUKE or AiRGYLL (blani7dly) :-Meaning the National Gallery, I pre-
suino.
lA;,\B1 RUSSELL:-Only just in time though. Government nearly
had to be a re-turner. (Groans and indignation from all the
ilioisters.)
Lolln I')ALMERSiTONE (severely) :-JOHN RUSSELL, you've done a
good deal in that way lately. \Who your associates may have been in
tlie provinces I can't say. It is now time conduct of that sort should
le put a stop to, and it's my opinion you'd better go home to dinner,
and I mean to do the same. [Exeunt ones.
FREEDOM OF OPINION,
THE NEW AlMERICAN "SENSATION SONG."
I A\i a Yankee-yes, sir-ee !
I'd scorn the fact to smother,
I'd have each nation to be free,
And every man a brother.
Who thinks with me 's a cutish hboss,
Who don't agree's a ninny 'un,
A dolt,.a traitor skunk, an ass,
I'm for Freedom of Opinion!
The Southern States combined and struck,
Against our just oppression,
And some said part, and wished them luck,
But I'll have no concession!
They say they have dissolved the firm,
That once was called the Union,
I say they hain't-they can't-they sha:-'t,-
I'm for Freedom of Opinion!
And thus to serve my state I'll try,
Tleh freest in creation ;
Whoever tries to iargif',
Will catch it hot,-tarnation
Who fancies reason can prevail,
To limit our udmininon,
\Ye'll tar and feather, ride on rail,
I'm for Freedom ot Opinion!
Those cussed Britishers' offence,
Won't be too soon forgotten,
Why don't they arm in our defence ?
What's principles to cotton?
They prate about neutrality,
Hiut that ain't worth an inion,
'When half a nation crushed may be.
For Freedom of Opinion!
They say that we have fought, by goles !
Old time-worn rules in spite of,
That we shoot sentries, break paroles,
And honour's Inws make light of.
I'd lie, and lhomnewardn make a track,
And as for traitor minions !
I like to shoot 'em in lthe back-
I'm for Freedom of Opinions !
Then, when we've won, we will expand
Due North by nmnexation,
To Canada and Neswfoundland,
Extend IloRit. taxation.
Confiond free trade and freedom, too,
In such superb dominion !
Hang all who do not as 1 do,
I'm for Freedom of Opinion!
[NOEMBER30 1861.
PAN AT THE PLAY.
.F course every
,, ,, playgoer knows
i,' by this time the
": t'- r a --- plot of the Octo-
.. -- roon, and that the
At, audience after p-
"plaudingthrough
'I -." i _,. --- -1 i four acts, became
..- squeamish at the
conclusion, and
S hailedthedeseent
S_ of the curtain
____ \-with anything
but a congratula-
tory accompani-
ment. The picture of a heroine dying by poison, administered to her
in ignorance of its dreadful property by her lover, is not a pleasant
one, and the opening of the scene at the back to exhibit a super-
natural picture is an injudicious effect which is altogether out of place
in a drama which, if it is to succeed, must do so from its naturalness
and the vivid truth of its transatlantic pictures. It is a strange
sight to watch an English audience on the first night of an important
dramatic production, to see how thoroughly they ignore the effects of
the earlier portion of the play, and how swayed they are by the con-
cluding incidents and tableau. Anybody who had witnessed the first
four acts of the Octoroon on Monday, and was compelled to leave after
so doing, would have felt perfectly certain as to its success. But,
alas what may not happen in a short half-hour; one unpleasant situa-
tion, or an unskilfully worked-up climax, will peril, and perhaps destroy,
the hopes of the most brilliant dramatist and the most experienced
and effective company. Notwithstanding the uncomfortable feeling
induced by the final act, the Octoroon will draw, and will prove, if not
a second Colleen Biwn, at all events a remunerative aid sufficiently
successful production.
MR. RYDER, a painstaking, sensible, and conscientious actor, has
appeared at the Princess's as Sir John Falstaff in the Merry Wives of
Windsor, with excellent effect; he is not as unctuous as he might be,
but he is droll and appreciative, and consequently deservedly success-
ful. Miss RosE LECLERCQ, as Stoeet Anne Page, is alone worth a visit,
and the merry wives are impersonated with humour and grace by
Miss CARLOTTA LECLERcq and Miss ELSWORTHY.
A very pleasant drama, adapted by MR. CHAiLES SELBY, has been
produced at the St. James's. MR. WIGAN, as the poor nobleman,
exhibits that skilful blending of humour and pathos for which he is so
remarkable, and MNis. WIGAN gives a perfect picture of a kind-hearted
woman of plebeian origin, but possessing the innate delicacy of the
true lady. M3B. BErLMOR is admirable; this comedian, having
passed tle matriculation of enormous shirt-collars and pantomime-
pattern trousers, has come out with honours as a most sensible and
humourous artist.
In a paragraph which appeared in FUN last week, touching a
trifling accident to StGNOR GILUGLINI's nose, poor little MDLLE. PATTI
was described as the assailant instead of MI LLE. TITI:NS. lWhen
our contributor heard of his mistake, he excused himself by admitting
that he could never think of anything or anybody but MDLLE. PAITI.
Upon this the editor forgave, as no doubt will the kind-hearted little
prima donna.
Three cheers for Mil. IIALLmWELL! May his shadow never grow
less, and may a thrill of joy pass over his frame while rending the
following parody of PAN's on the subject of his successful SHi.K-
SPEAANi- gardening operations:-
SONG TO MR. HALLIWEIL.
Air-'* Fare-thee-well, my own Mary Anne."
HALLI-WELL, my dear SIIAKSPEAiI-AN,
IIALLIWELL, for a time
Is the heart of the best
SIIAKSPEARE lover at rest,
And I am bound unto thee, gentle-man.
The garden of St AKSPEARE is sacred properties,
HALLIWELL, as you know,
And it ne'er shall be said
That they groaned neathh the tread
Of the fool or the knave; it shan't be, gentleman.
Fare-thee-well, my bold SIIAKSPERI-AN,
Fare-thee-well, for my rhyme
Is now at an end,
May my blessings attend
Thy footsteps, believe me yours faithfully, PAs.
__ __ __
~
I
I
NOVEMBER 30, 1861.]
FU N.
.--7
S ~ V
Adi;aI
S'cec-Th'e Haynarcrket. Time--Erly Morning, after the Banquet
of tthe 101st Middlesex.
ar ly in Uniformi:-" I'Nrs AW moirrT, OLE FL'ER!"
NEW LIGHTS ON .OLD WORTHIES.
_
Sucn ready credence was lately given to a talkative lady's descrip- former reports that the fleet had been heard of in I lie Sound, bll, iut
tion of NELSON, as a rude, boisterous, boastful, sea-captain; so suddenly gone to a point of Ayr, wherever that might be. The (' lve
widely for certain days did this new (and contemptible) idea take has not deigned to reply, and is supposed by ny lords to ble illier
the place of our old conception of him as a tender-hearted, modest, corkey or afloat.
gallant gentleman, that we may shortly expect similar new lights to
be thrown upon other worthies. We have indeed, in our own NARROW ESCAPE.
possession, the MS. Diary of our late aunt, Miss MARTH. G F; (From or ecial 'cny-a )
and though candour compels us to own that she was both can- ( nrio g our S social ciit d w lint ,'.)
tankerous and silly, we lay a few extracts before our readers for their T'1e usually quiet ncifgliostr'hoo of' ('h:ipdlle wisl yiacjsloay
own consideration. scahrowpe into a state of' conlstlirn tilS. JOS thl foilhn oig II midi: oils,is
April 1, 18-.-I had always a'shrewd suspicion that MR. WILBER- escape: it s s that Hiss.. .ois (of lli tirn of' J,'l:s ,i (ll .
FORCEt was no better than he should be. I have lately been a good Maugling d n hier "), had loft the fron door olt' fe r y ,ti.,
deal in his society. Alas he is sadly different from the ideal of my on, WtheI (a tite, ii> of lrout hiu yers u' ronu), le io prl ure,
young imagination. His manners, which have often been described d the assge, had j ius profiled his hiot ili',, 'l te :,prli',
as mild and gentle, are of the most offensive kind. On one occasion when his mother', iwith ailittiih pirc^e i" tiil d, puIllihd ht,,
he trod upon my cat. His appetite is voracious and ... ...-i..;., forcibly back; the boy's len atd ws al ll,adw, tinl is trcnift, ,.Itd nI d do,,t
and I, myself, once saw him pour something that looked like lobster the eourageos mat on been at his lho w, tlIr is scirvly: 111hd
sauce over what appeared to be a veal cutlet. His temper is fierce, but that her chili woul, in another illtt, have put both hii, artts
arrogant, and gloomy; his expressions, I grieve to state, coarse in out. The precincts have not yet recovered.
the extreme. I think his interest in the black slave must be mere
hypocrisy, for I have heard that his own servants are underpaid and RECEIPT rou Bisior.-An Oxford niudil-cap (t o bl drawn well over
stinted in their meals. His convivial excesses are but too notorious. the eyes) by Mil. )tsu.cSAElA :-'Two-filt.lis Foft siop1, omlne iwdlr, two of
I am told that he was recently found lying in the gutter, very much suiar, a suspicion of politic spice: stir at a guod ciurcl rate until
overcome, and that onr being asked his name, lie said that it was DISusAELI rises to tio tti, tllop, t it allow.
lICtARD BtINSLEY SHERIDAN. His partizans, indeed, assert that it L F -Inmah-akinain c-ikiteris g l
was really SIHERIDAN who pretended to be WILLIAMt WI1LBERFORCE ; La great sin a flam springs Iup, atnd is lsnppofl t o i filsgt ll y
a great shine altle springs up, titd is srppofed t I tit, fiil the
Feb. 31, 1- Yesteray I visited s. F match burns itself out, or till the spark of life is extingulislhd.
Feb. 31, 18-.-Yesterdlay I visited MRs. FRY. Another illusion NOTE Y T E CE -.'T ]>,0 IR ., ,
gone Ah! how sad are these disenchantments! She lias a reputa-- NirE BY T tE Ecc,.SIOi,.O(;ICAL SOCIETY.-I 'II.'.IS IPeno is :Ii ,,!.l
tion for philanthropy; but people who ascribe it to her never 'form of the paper (Pap) duty.
obtained a glimpse, I should think, into her domestic life. A LICENSED HIAWKER -An American.
I __________________
WILLIAM \WORDSWORTTl was pointed out to me, this aflertoon, in the
street. lie is a short, burly man, with a coarse red face. Although
his poetry breathes of nature, his habits are those of a townsman of
the common stamp. Half his time is passed ill taverns, where,
enveloped in tobacco smoke, he holds forth by the hour together, 1 nem
given to understand, in praise of democracy, and in violent abuse of
church and state. His conduct is quite as lax as his principles, amd
the most shocking immorality is practised by him without the least,
regard to decency or attempt at concealimeil. There is not the
excuse for WORaSWotRTn that there is for 3Hus. l"Fiy. etcr lits of tiger-
like fury, and her constant brooding ill-will, nmy be ascribed to that.
singular custom of visiting prisoners. Iow true is it that there is a
decidedly corrupting influence in evil comnnunications!
March 22, 1S-.-The poet, SAMUEL rOGEEns, is a bachelor, lins con-
siderable wealth, and seems somewhat partial to ime. 1 am I lhereltre
as civil to him as every English gentlewoman would be in umy peculiar
position; but his society is very wearisome and his egotism most
offensive. Ono day, after quoting four hundred and thirty-six lines
that lie had written before breakfast (his rapidity of comiposition is
certainly wonderful), he said that none of the earlier poens of Loneti
BY'lto were worth-but I will not pollute my pen. (n another oca-
sion, when he was unaware of my approach, I distinrcly saw hi in
his knees at a little chiffonier, which lhad been left open, and drinking
Jamaica rum out of a bottle with the avidity of a dmlon i or a li:lh.
So much for the pleasures of memory.
Octolr 22.-2-Had the honour of an invitation to Apslcy house, IIsf,
night, if honour it can be called. However, 1 went. 'I'lie DukI iln hi;
usual state after dinner; if anything more noisy anl vain-gl orio's
than ever. Ho sang "The British CGrenadieri" :mi "l'ITho lhoil
Soldier Boy." Conversation entirely confined to Nat I l of \Vaterloo.
Duko said ho was wounded in three of his nrins, and hald twenlty-
seven horses killed under him ; also that he capt'llii('d lth whole ol'
MARSHAT NEI's division in single combat. On the Mi\iUpts s '
ANGLESEA's venturing to contradict this slatemett, DI)uko flung ia
claret-jug at him, and called him a pig-headed old dragoon."
Such are our Heroes!
SHIP A-HOY !
THi sailing qualities of the German fleet far surpass those of ouri
own navy. There was reason to expect a few additional knots an
hour, but if the subject has not proved itself too knotty a one for our
German cousins, we must envy them tie amazing speed of which
their navy is capable. The fleet, all a-taunto, was spokin (of) sme-
time since, but immediately proceeded on another tack, down ltt
wind's eye, and out of sight. Several logs and loggoe rheads liIvo
been conned, but nlono of them allppar to have fillen in or tout with
these modern Flying DIutchlen. Tlio lIhy at, tli Nro anid tli,
Cove of Cork ihavo been telegraphed to iliti tli Admiralty; 11l'
106; F 1J N [NOTEMBEn 30, 1861.
-=----= ._-C-~_~ ---i ~
IF MS.\SlE SYKES HAD NOT AT THE OPPORTUNE MOMENT CRIED OUT, "W:IIIP BEHTIND-SITARP i!" THIS RESI'ECTABLE PERSON (WHO lA) NO
THOUGHiT OF HANGING ON BEHIND) NEED NOT HAVE SUFFEriED THIIS PAINFUL INDIGNITY.
STRANGER THAN "A STRANGE STORY."
(Letter from M1R. LE DESTIAr, SIR E. B. L-TT-N's valet,
to the Editor of FUN.)
MR. EDDYrTu,-IMo an the littorurry SR E. B. L. as partid
cumpenny. He ad finnisht is Strange Story sum time ago, he rote
too t the times noosepaper to say, not like wITLK. COLLINGS wich rote is
11l,'iniunn it svite weak bye weak: which he aint no more to be cum-
paird to Smi E. B. L. than hibernian to a satire. i egstraktid is
mannyskrip for you an the grattyfykashnn of the Brittishe public
kurosity befour Marsh nex.-Yours ever,
Ride, Her Wite. -- VAL. LE DESHAM.
CHAPTER LAST.
I had perused the greater portion of Silt PIILIP DERVALS' badly-
written manuscript, when I laid it on one side to got married.
I, ALLAN FENWICK, married! and to LiLA.x! The Rational united
to the Ethereal, and obtaining the Real and personal. Let me real that
happy time-gently-goetly-when, my scepticism no longer existing,
[ had become a lirm disciple of MESMEIR, and had-oh! inexpressible
joy-discovered that my wife, my LmIIAN, was a Pythoness.
Six weeks after our wedding we were seated in my old Study; I
engaged in deciphering SI PIurlP's Hieroglyphics, while LIILIAN,
who had not boen quite well for the last day or two, was leisurely
tasting a nauseous draught of my prescription. What a picture!
The Sublime and Beautiful sipping the Distasteful, a Calm Intelligence
tracing the Illegible. On the table before me lay the Mysterious
Casket which the Policeman, whose sister's mother's son's aunt I had
cured of a toothache, had obtained from SIR PHILIP's butler. Now
at last MAhin AVE's secret was in my hands: now I should discover
how I[e, who should have been hideous, wrinkled, and scarce human,
had preserved upon his cheeks the undying Bloom of ncver-flding
Youth. My LIi AN, the Pythoness, opened the casket : small silver
boxes met our view, labelled "Cosmetic."
"There!" she cried, laying her finger upon some golden letters,
"is the name of the Sorceress whose spells have preserved his
youthful charms." I looked and read, "RACHEL, Enameller of
Faces."
Scarcely had an exclamation of surprise and horror escaped my
lips, when in the street, above the hum of the city, there carolled
forth the song of a human voice, a wild, half-savage melody-foreign
broken words-air and words not new to me.
"'Tis MIAReGRAVE! said the Pythoness in a thrilling whisper.
I opened the window and looked forth. It was HE.
G-r-r-ra! he cried exultingly. "G-r-r-ra! "
With what a lightning bound he sprang! In a moment he was up
the towering steeple of the opposite church, and, as he sat sternly
upon its pointed apex, the wondrous brilliancy of his lustrous eyes
and dazzling teeth seemed to rest upon us like abstracted moonshine.
I pointed to the open manuscript and casket, but he only waved
his stalwart arm aloft, and hissed defiance from the tapering pinnacle.
The rain descended in torrents, and I saw that my hour of victory
was at hand.
"Man,.fiend, Troglodyte, or whatever be the secret of your fearful
existence! You, who hato Suffering, Beware! You have caught your
First Cold!"
Even while I spoke, sneeze after sneeze rent the air: and as the
Dread Existence writhed in strong convulsions, the cosmetics of the
Magician Enameller RAcnEL cracked and crumbled from his face. I
saw him now in all his hideous truth, penetrated the secret of his
huge strength in those long hairy arms, and of his shiny teeth in the
long hideous fangs which now protruded.
Feebly, yet unconquered, he raised the old Barbaric Chant. It
was his last spell, and the Pythoness broke it.
"I know it," she cried, Genius MACNE and throwing her
arms wildly above her head, she hurled the song's burden back upon
the gasping monster:
"In the Strand! In the Strand! In the Strand!"
I
F UT T.
--
THE FROG THAT TRIED TO OUTVIE THE BULL.
ACCOUNTANT:-" WELL, SIR, I WILL DO MY BEST TO BRING YOUR AFFAIRS'INTO SOMETHING LIKE
ORDER; BUT IF YOU PERSIST IN MEASURING PURSES WITH YOUR RICH NEIGHBOUR, MR1. BULL, I WILL
NOT ANSWER FOR THE CONSEQUENCES."
r;-'=----------------
/ i
i I
-~---------
NOVEMBER 30, 1861.]
FU N.
The Creature MARGRAtVE shrieked forth a wild cry of despair, and (Lotd c-ris f cri' tha I! rli iht ."') She (the chaiir) know, int least,
rising to his full height plunged headlong into space. how she should servo one who in many respects was dear to ler. hlt
"There," said Mits. COLOELr PForsxz, who had entered my room who had dared to support this shameful attack on the delicacy of the
unperceived, lifting up her white veinless hands like a slumbering sex. (Cries of I)Dear ld'( 'l) When was this don'ssl' i war to
sphinx addressing the Proprieties; "there," saidoleMis. COLONEL cease? Why should man interfere with the ri-lhs, thie Chlinm tlie
POYNTz, "He's settled." social position of womcn ? an riwas a inarrow-minded aniiinsl ; Ihe
L'ENVOI. was narrow in his views of evrthlit". 11is hta-brims wcro na:r'wv,
A few months after the above occurrence, a travelling showman, his collars were narrow, his i... i ,i were narrow, his neck-ties
whose caravan had halted on "the Hill," complained that somewhere were especially narrow, and his narrow views of women were only
in this neighbourhood he had lost a young Gorilla, dressed in full equal to his narrow conception of the width of a ribbon ; hlstly, his
modern costume, whom he had with great difficulty taught to sing a narrow ideas with regard to the soul f woman-- her crinoline--anl of
popular melody. We kept our own counsel as to LMAIGRAVE. A dis- dress and figure, were positively infinitesimal. (Loud cheers.) Why,
tinguished foreigner subsequently purchased SIR PmiLtu DERVAL's my goodness (said the chair warmly), was not this a conspiracy to
manuscript, which has (t believe) been lately published under the enslave woman to do the labour, whilst the vaunted lords of creation
title of -Adventures in Pictorial Africa. (loud cries of" Oh, dear ime !")-whilst the vaunted lords of creation
t rstratted-yes, strutted (cries of" No no and Yes! yes ")-in
magnificent uniform and indolence, in smoking grandeur nrm-in-arm
through the streets, enlightened by their smiles, and unadorned by
EMPLOYMENT FOR LADIES. their dresses-(screams, and cries of" Oh, imy !" and )ear dear !")
-were they to sit all day in shops, like their Parisian sisters, while
VERY important meeting their lords sauntered the streets, tlh parks, the bazaars, the exhilbi-
:.- .- took place a few days ago, at tions, and what not ? Were they to become Indian squaws-to huntl,
-. the Magpie and Earache to dig, to build, to carry burdens; while their chief, the Blue Engle,
Assembly Rooms, Thread- or the Red Panther, sat by the wigwam smoking the calumet of peace
needle-street, to take into con- and idleness, enveloped in smoke and contemplation, and covered
-/ / sideration the new occupations with a blanket, war-paint, and impudence ? (Great uproar, srrreams,
I suggested for ladies. The sighs, and cries of "Dear! dear !" My stars!" etc.) Let their
S "' -.rooms were supposed capable determination be to object to everything. Let then be unanimous.
= _-. of containing about 250; but She hoped there was not a single lady present who----
'' ',' there must be some mistake SEVERAL VoICEs.-" Hero! here here! here! here!"
here, as the fair occupants Tin, CiI.\t.-Sho did not mean unmarried ladies. She hoped thero
-- numbered but ninety, and the was not one who differd with her. Let them be firin. Lot them pay
place was filled. The company no attention to ai entions paid to them by the elnomy. Let them
S '-' ; were exclusively ladies, and in scorn the shafts of Cupid, and refuse the rites of 11ymen until---
.- : ." Mfll dress. Mrs. CosY CHAT- A VoICE.-" What! are we to give ourselves to the attentions of lou,
STERTON took the chair. men, then ?"
The CHtAIt commenced by ANOTHER VOICE.-" Oh! short men are horrid."
S''. -~, saying she hoped to goodness THE CHAIR regretted she was misunderstood. She meant offers of
they would give her a patient marriage. However, she would conclude by warning them to find out
attention. They had not met the promoters of this ungallant projection, and set their faces against
to discuss the fashions, though such men--
.} ."" she might say, en. passant, I (At this moime:,; a dog sufrdenli Ibarked in the hall.)
that the present autumn novel- A VoTcE.--" Not if tley 're old( mn."
i .> I ..-; ties in the shape of bonnets THE CIIA:.--Turn tiat creature out.
-. ,--:._-'. -' '' ": .. c were very delightful. Shehad d TinE VOICE (thi olwn ofr i i dii.ilnatlltly rii,'.i!).-- 'No, mnad:nl,
that morning passed down (scnseation) I'm no creatu.ro; you hive turned outl a gret, ditl of
Re-'gent-strect, and especially rubbish in your speech, but you will not turn me out. (' i-,ler
Sadmired-- 'Sit dovnli !') No, my husband is sitting up fo"r me, anid 1 won't, si
.'' '- A VOICE.-"May I askwhat down for you; 'I will speak my mind i i' 1 ie for iI.'"
I .',, ,$ wo, have metfor?" Great excitement prevailed. The dog yelpl-d loudly, and1 a ruslh
I TnE CH.hir-s-Really forgot was made to thle doors, amidst imuchl sereamiin- lhIoO tll 'rii-
herself; but let them get out line became a life-boat. The fair company eicrgd I o hoI slr'et, nil
S.- oftie fashion. IHeraspirations although gyrating in much confusion, they were afli'lyle" l(I'lnld in
-, were mnch higher than the their iron cages.)
Sighest-fronted and highest-
S priced Parisian bonnet. --
S 1 ii They had not met to decide TlHE IMMonTAL "EDWIN."
''''- '- .'' the measure of a silk dress, "M~. Enwix JAlts Ihas declmled his intention o(. lbeening nl Anmric(ni
21"- ", -'r_. \ I i:t but a measure of a much more citizen, and has made application to the Suprenmo Court, to bc adi iltlt( to tihe
important character; and her New York bar."--Duaily Ncs.
J -'-:' ideas comprehended a much IT is not this timo "In the Strand,"
S' L wider range than the most Weo hear of EBiIN JixJAtiErs,-
3 j .,' Ierpl "expansive or expensive crino- 'Tis now Eomewhero in Yankee land
line. Now, as to the extent of He means to play his games.
S.-. '. the objections to the extent of Alas that li of modest grace,
'... the crinoline, she begged to say Should from us go so far;
--r that all the talking in the Alas that he should fear to face
Si world, and all the writing il Again an English Bar.
the world, would never induce
her to--
A VOICE.- QuOti Question! io RIVsAL SENSATIONS AT TE BlRITANNIA-LtEO-T.ARDo AND THE LEO-
THE CHAIR begged pardon. Well, then, the last sly and tyrannical rPnt.. These two foreigners enjoy great distictiion ; we sincerely
proposition of the men was that women should become generally a hope that it is without a difference Ietween tlcmn, although tho. latter
nation of shopkeepers in the place of the other sex-especially linen- is of a generous nature, and soon swallows his little g,'ievancV's.
drapers. There! Well, for her part, she (the chair) never heard any A tMEMBER of tile Itins of Court Rille Corps declined to join tlo
thing more horrid. The idea of one woman suggesting to another Guard of Honour which lined lthe staircase lending to thi MNiddli
the colour of a dress, tlhe pattern of a ribbon, the shape of a bonnet, Temple Library, on the ground that he did not wish to be made a
or the set or cut of mantle, shawl, or cloak. Absurd! I impossible! bannister.
Horrid! Well, for her part, she (the chair) might say that those FRENCH FINANCE.-There is an improbnailitiy otf Imt s Ni.\'l.ri.:ot's
obliging fellows who had originated this in -..I..- i" ... "i 'i1 ''i find carrying out his now financial arrangements, as lie is not tlhei man to
to their misery that they (the ladies) knew at least how to serve them. be FooL'D.
I _________ __
_____ __ I_
11F I l I [NOVEMBER 30, 1861.
LADIES, BEWARE!
AN ACCIDENT THAT ?Lma1/ HAPPEN IN PASSING THE PROPOSED "PNEUMATIC
DESPATCH COMPANY'S" TUBES.
THE LAY OF THE STOCKBROKER.
I CARE not for the Three per Cents.,
I loathe the smell of Stocks,
SI've lost my interest in the Funds,
In mines, canals, and docks;
I'm reckless, and would even buy
The Great Ship Comp'ny's shares,
I'm savage, yet I cannot seek
The haunt of "bulls" and "bears."
We were so constant, she and I,
We never had a jar,
My step on 'Change was light as cork,
My happiness at par;
No other shared her preference then,
No other sold her scrip,
We talked about our wedding-day,
: About our wedding-trip.
A month ago. ('twas "settling" day,
And I had writ a line
To say that I should take her soon
To hear LOUISA PYNE),
A letter came, on tinted note,
The palest shade of blue,
She'd changed her mind, and,-short P.S.,
She'd changed her broker too.
Consols may rise, but naught consoles
A disappointed man;
I'm going, as a volunteer,
To fight the Mexican,
For by this morning's Star I see
The transfer is complete,-
Her marriage yesterday took place
At All Saints, Marg'ret-street.
AN AWKWARD QUESTION.-We have solved the mystery why
the EMPEROR OF THE FRENCII has never been crowned: is it
not possible-nay, probable-that, as his MAJESTY has evi-
dently boon raising money in all imaginable ways, he may
have-it's an awkward question to- ask-he may have--
well, parted with the crown ? If so, he might defend the
act by saying there was no harm in sending back to his
Uncle what ho had received from him; and the delay which
has created so much surprise would thus be most fully
accounted for
OMNIBUS ETIQUETTE.
WIIENEVER you see an omnibus you may stop it, and ask in an
innocent manner if it be going to the Bank ? The answer most
likely will be in the affirmative, when you can say, Ah! I thought
so," as if you were sorry it was not going the other way. It is not
unlikely but that the conductor will make some witty remarks touch-
ing your personal appearance, etc. you may, however, laugh at these,
as you will have the best of the joke. When you are compelled to ride
in an omnibus, it is advisable to secure the seat nearest to the door,
as there are many advantages attached to it. In the first place, you
have the exquisite pleasure of poking the conductor in the ribs with
your umbrella whenever any one wants to alight. If you are well up
in fencing you willbe able to touch him just under the fifth rib, which
is very desirable. Then you have the option of assisting the ladies,-
that is, if you have the moral courage; as the dear creatures will
sometimes, instead of placing their hands in yours with a look of
confidence, place them on their pockets, and reward you with a look
or suspicion, no matter what your appearance may be.
In entering an omnibus g;eat care must be taken in order to prevent
yourself being deposited unceremoniously in an old lady's lap. The
best way of evading the above rather ridiculous position, is to place
your hand firmly on the first gentleman's hat you see. Don't be
particular about knocking it over his eyes, he will only look savage.
Supposing you to be seated opposite a pretty girl, you may stare at
her as much as you like. If she blushes, that is a sign your attentions
will be favourably received. But if she should look indignant, you
ought to alter your tactics: treading on her toes and afterwards
asking her pardon might have an effect; or you make some remark
about the weather; this is a very interesting topic of conversation,
and never fails of drawing people out. If, however, the object of these
attentions suddenly prefers walking, it would be a want of self-respect
in you to think for a moment that you had driven her to that course.
Having arrived at your destination, it will be necessary to give a
final thrust with your umbrella in order to bring the "Bus" to a
stand still; when you may quietly get out, slowly unbutton your
great coat, give the conductor half-a-crown, in order to keep him
waiting till you have received your change, and then walk away.
SOHOLD AGAIN!
DE RHONA dances gracefully and well,
And is an actress of respectability;
But if she hopes to draw with Atar Gull,
I only wonder at her gullibility.
DISTRESSING CASE.-A once energetic rifleman excused his resigna-
tion on the ridiculous ground, that whenever he sought his corps, he
found it 'rined. His friends have since made every effort (but un-
apple-ly in vain) to induce him to stem his talk.
HOPE FOR LESSEPS.- Immediately after sending M. FOULD'S report,
the EMPEROR wrote to 1M. LESSEPS: "Enormous deficit! My uncle !
Pledge my word-only thing left! Suez (sous ?) very acceptable.
Cut away."
INSULT TO INJUav.-In the American correspondence of a daily
paper the following cruel case lately appeared:-" The assassin was
condemned to death, and also to pay the expenses of the trial."
I
NOVEMBER 30, 1861.]
FtU .
A TRIFLE FROM HANWELL.
ExsmR Three. One of them is a WEDDING GiUEST; tei OTIltEi Two I
are simply Fools. To them, a middle-aged EMtPEROR, carrying a
model of La Gloire.
WEDDING GUEST (abruptly):--Now, wherefore stopp'st thou me ?
The OTrHER Two affect to be unpretentious.
EnPERO :-There owas a ship.
WEDDING GUEST whistles a nautical air. The OTHER Two make
signs that they are Admirals living at Bath.
EMPEROR :-And she cost no end of money.
WEDDING GUEST, thinking he is about to be asked for a loan, re-
members an appointment in Trafalgar-square, and goes thither in a
fast omnibus. The OTHER Two take snuff cautiously, and change
the subject.
OrTER TWO :-Have you seen BLoxix ?
ErrPERR kicks them twice round St. Paul's, and sits down to
breakfast. They appear pleased at being noticed/and retire with a
sedate expression. EMPEROR, suddenly remembering that there is a
deficit of forty millions sterling, chuckles hoarsely.
EMPEROR :-Ruin stares me in the face.
OTHERi Two withoutt) :--"For he's ajolly good fellow." (They forget
the rest of the words, and wish they were thrushes.)
EMPEROR :-Laugh on, light-hearted revellers; but I (scowls.)
Am trembling on the brink of bankrupt-cy! (howls.)
They haven't dropped their purses ? Let me spy.
(proivls.)
(Finding nothing, he volunteers a recitation) :-
I am monarch of all I survey,
My rights there are none to dispute-
('Cos they're all in Cayenne, far away)-
I am lord of the Foul and the Brute.
Yet my empire is based on a sham,
And insolvency now is my case;
I would rather be jailer at Ham,
Than reign in this horrible place.
The Jews that roam over the Bourse,
Miy form with indifference see;
I am so unacquainted with cash,
Their tameness is shocking to me.
There are ROTrHSCHILDS in every place,
But ROTIISCnILDs-disheartening thought-
Are aware that nmy credit is bad,
And won't do a bil as they ought.
M. ACIIILLE FOULD su ddenlly enters with a bag.
FoLD :--Morning, ma tear.
E-IrPERO (trith a burst of woe) :-
I tell thee, gentle Jew,
Money's the object that I have in view ;
Scarce would a ship-full--
Fo:LD :- Von't a ccel-full do ?
The effect of the pun is electrical, or very nearly. The EMPEROR
repents of all his extravagance, and indicates, by a motion of the left
elbow, that Constitutional Government shall, for the future, take the
place of Arbitrary Rule, and that he is now more than ever convinced
that the true source of Political Power is to be found in the People
itself. He then looks fatigued. Lights down.
FOULD sings :-
Ye ministers of England,
Who guard her native debt;
Whose credit, spite of millions spent,
Is good and current yet--
Your glorious system I'11 adopt,
Like DECKER, or TUR-GOT.
EMIPEROR :-You're a sweep ; but you're deep,
At this here financial go;
Where the rate of discount rises fast,
And the public stocks are low.
They go through pantomime expressions of retrenchment and
economy. EMPEROR is about to speak about OTIHER Two, but forgets
what he was going to say. EMPEROR and M. FOULD then come
forward and address the audience wheedlingly:--
Indulgent creatures, candidly we own,
Our real business is with you-a loan.
Disposition of the characters at the end of the piece-
Both are sanguine.
Curtain falls hialf-way, and recovers ilsclf with sudlen effort of digini t.
NEW NAME FOR FEMALE INFIANTS.-CRINOILINA.
WHAT IT MUST COME TO !
"BILL STICKERS, BEWARE!"
Wire is BILL STICKEis ? s Will any one enlighten 11s ? TP11 ol liitimi
words meet us in every thoroulilhtfire, on every wall. WIhy dioei nn
BILL STICKERS como forward like a oman, confess his criti', :ind niIk
atonement? Who is 1ho what is ho? whero is he(? vli ih ,.t Is hI
done P For years this wretched man has walked in the perpltui
cloud of this threat. It is a sword of )A.\locl.:s t1,1li, moet'is ]lia oiln
every dead wall. The refined torture, too, in the fanliliarily 1/il
STIcriKEns. NoT snflieintl tLo say" Al WI.l,IA.\M S'i'ii'~tis is r'eqiti'st'd,"
utc.; or "Wo advise ]fll. \VII.IIAn STli ts," I'. No; the hillr,
crushing, heartless brevity,-" BlIt, S'I'i('c;EIu, bliuaro! 'Wihat isi
the crime, to be haunted like a shadow with hnowaro be where ho
will, poor fellow ? BILL STICKIans, boware, he wary.
CICERO POLITELY CONSTRUED) BY A FRESINIMAN.
Abiit-IIo went out (to dinner).
Excessit-He drank a glass or two of clhanmiagne.
Evasit-Ho said he was all right ; but-
Eru2pit-Ho was obliged to go out on the balcony.
NEVER SATISFIED.-Tho man who lias been so long trying to mneet
his difficulties, succeeded last week; we are sorry to report, however,
that the interview was not at all satisfactory; indeed the poor nman
now declares that he wishes he and they had kept apart.
If the parent of the following con. will call at our offico during tlh
first heavy fall of snow he may get something to his advantage.
What kind of rabbit does the elegant Temple fountain rosomblu ?-
Ajet d'eau (doe) Pray got some advice, do.
WIT AND IIME-OUII.--1Ma. IIME te celebrated mediinn, will dlui
regard to his children's health, when going out into the Novembier air,
ties up their throats with spirit wrappers.
A BoB's-woRTIr.-SRS ROrEnirr, in his little tour through I lc1nld, I: is
greatly disappointed one party, .vlo naturally expected that J'l:l:.
would be entirely on the Orange side.
INTELLIGENCE FROiM ni. CI1LI.;"; (Irclanll).-Those who expect ally
intelligence from this quarter will be greatly disappointed.
A DISTRESSED friend of ours has discovered that the ,bst way it
avoid a rest (arrest) is to keep moving.
I l l
FTT N.
[NOVEMBER 30, 1861.
112
Scene-Railway Station, Slough-cmt-Puddle Road.
Commercial Gentleman:-WOT! NINEPENCE FOR THREE MILE, A ND ONLY
THAT BIT 0' LUGGAGE ( !"
Jechi, attached to the Royal Hotel, and driving the Slouilh-cum-.uddle
ihitS:- "WELL, Sill, I"'APS IT'S RATIIEII STIFF, SPECIALLY, YOU SEE, AS THE
(CUV'NOR DON'T RUN THIS BuS PORl A LIVING IBUT ONLY TO GIVE TIE HORSES A
I[AIIlIN', AND FOR TIlE BENErIT OF oUR HEALTH! "
-- -
'S~.^,
ALMANACK AND DIARY.
ASTRO-METEORILLOGICAL NOTICES.
There will be a storm on the 31st of this month, so violent as to
wash that day entirely out of the calendar. It may perhaps be found
by the aid of some new company's prospectus, in the middle of next
week.
'V In consequence of the continued attraction of this month, the first
appearance of December will be postponed (definitely) for thirteen
days-MOORE.
NOVEMBER.
2 5Z Winter Sermons to little boys.-Sermon 1st: The Fall, illus-
trated by magic lantern slides, in St. Paul's Churchyard.
23 M Volunteer firing within kitchen range at Newington-butts.
2(i Ti Distribution of bonus by the Improvident Loan Society.
27 IV FUN. Another rise in the FUNS! Latest quotations, excellent;
for money, one penny.
S2 Tu Annual Civil Service match at Whist, by Members of the India
Rubber Club. :j
2I) F Preparations for Saturday.
"0 S Private performance of the Judge and Jury Society, by corn-
mand. Poses Plastiques by the Barons of the Exchequer.
Ariel (for this occasion only), BARON POLLOCK.
FLOW\ER CARDEN.-How to make a real cowslip in winter-grease her
hoofs, and place her on the ice.
KITCHEN GARDE.--This is the time of year for winter vege-tables,
dinner-tables (with leaves), and wild time-tables; great care should be
taken of tie latter, as they are very changeable.
SEASONABLE.-An Ice House.-If you want a house of this kind, build
one to your liking; if you have money and good taste, it will then le a nice
house.
How TO TELL A MUSHROOM FROMt A TOADSTOOL.-Eat one of each.
The latter is rank and immediate poison.
THE COMING SENSATION!
Year it goes round, round, round "
The Proprietors of Fu., wishing to make afew-roar with laughing, and also to set the
BRITISH PUBLIC
grinning from year to year, beg to announce that they have entered into arrangements with the
most exalted personages of the day (including BLONsons) for the speedy production of the
FUN ALMANAC FOR 1862,
comprising some
EDUCATIONAL MINUTES OF GREAT MOMENT,
(not second-hand information); an Essay on the Fore-quarters, by IIssE:; Problems In
I)raughts, by the GnovoEonO of the lBAs ; Voice of the Stars, by a Lighterman, etc. The
Almanack will be of such a character that
MEMBERS OF THE GOVERNMENT
will be compelled to TAKE IT UP, and then find themselves totally n:able to PUT IT DOWN.
The Month of March will be devoted to the Volunteer Movement. Full Notice of the
GREAT EXHIBITION,
which will OPEN in May and CLOSE tothe Kensington Museum. Our Sporting Readers will
also be attended to, for our particularly fine cover will be drawn, without any chance ofits being
a blank- and finally, the outside will give great promise, which any one may look upon as binding.
HOORAY!
London; Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE, at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, November 30,1801
~
112
LATEST INTELLIGENCE FROM THE (DIS)UNITED
STATES.
BY steamer from New York we give the latest advices
we have received up to the end of the month.
BELLIGERENT OPERATIONS.
On the 15th instant, COLONEL QUINTLUS C. CROCTUS took
up a position in front of Lafayetteville, Miss., where the
daring O'MULLIGAN was concentrated. The next day,
COLONEL Q. C. CROCTUs, according to the usages of war,
sent a trumpet and message to O'MULLIGAN as follows :-
Surrender, you beggar !" After an exchange of courte-
sies for twenty minutes, the O'MULLIGAN returned an
answer to COLONEL Q. C. CIOCTUS, through the trumpet,
in these words:-"You be blowed!" Upon the receipt
of this defiance, COLONEL Q. C. CROCTUS retired twenty-
five miles south from Lafayetteville. The daring
O'IMULLIGAN retreated during the night due north, and the
city is, at present, unoccupied by either party.
THE SENATE.
Yesterday the HoN. PAUL A. Torrs, Del., upon occasion
of the Navy Estimates Bill being passed, inveighed against
the corruption and malpractices of the HON. TOMKINs K.
CooBIDDY, Ken., whom he accused of offering twenty-five
dollars in shin plasters to the commander of the Yank ee
Doodle frigate, to blow up himself and his vessel. The
HON. T. K. COOBIDDY said the HON. P. A. TornT was a
liar; upon this occurred a scene which may well make the
morbid aristocracies of the old world quake with apprehen-
sion. SENATOI TOiTS seized a spittoon, and hurled it with
tremendous force at the head of SENATOR COOBIDDY, but
missing his aim, which is usually very correct, the missile
alighted upon the forehead of the Hox. SENATUS CONSIL-
TUM PERKINS, Mar., who was whittling his desk. SENATOR
COOBIDDY rushed at his adversary, and tore out some of
his hair, while SENATOR TOTTs snatched away the false
front of the traitor. After a struggle, SEN.ATOR COOBIDDY
threw SENATOR TOTTS on the ground, and was proceeding
to gouge out his right eye, when the gigantic OBADIAH R.
SLUDGE, of Maine, coming cautiously up behind SENATOR
CooBIDDY, seized him by the collar, and pitched him into
the midst of the hon. gentlemen opposite. The fight
became general, and the majority having cowhided the
minority into insensibility, proceeded to pass a resolution
glorifying the holy cause of liberty in which they were
engaged, congratulating the members upon their forbear-
ance, no life having been taken in the difficulty which had
arisen.
: FU N.
A ROMANCE IN REAL LIFE.
THE habituds of Waterloo-place must have remarked during the last few days the presence of an
elderly gentleman of flabby and sodden exterior, wearing two advertising boards slung tabard-wiso
over his shoulders. His eye is remarkable for a scared and bewildered expression, and his general
aspect is so suggestive of hunger that one is almost tempted to wonder that lie doesn't take
advantage of the accidents of his sandwich condition and eat himself up. He is considered by l It.
and MRS. GERMAN REED to be an eligible advertising medium, and receives from them a handsome
annual income.
Attached to this elderly person is a tale of considerable domestic pathos. IIo is the only son of
wealthy parents, but, unfortunately, soon after birth slight symptoms of insanity began to develop
themselves. These increased as he grew up, and although he was always perfectly harmless, still,
as he was liable to occasional fits of eccentricity it was considered that he should never go abroad
unattended. His father died many years ago, and his mother, a wealthy old lady of fashion,
considers that her dignity would suffer materially if she were to present herself in public accoim-
panied by her afflicted son. She is too close-fisted to provide him with a paid attendant, so when-
ever the poor fellow desires a little air and exercise, he is obliged to sally forth without protection.
He is fully alive to the impropriety of his being abroad unattended, and he feels that every apology
is due from him to an outraged public. Indeed, he has so far permitted his domestic grievances
to triumph over his sense of duty, that he has taken the liberty of pasting over MR. REED'S
advertising board the apologetic legend, Mamma won't bring me out." We have every reason to
suppose that the afflicted man contrives to escape, unnoticed from the maternal superintendence,
for his appearance is strongly suggestive of one whose mother does not know that he is out.
THE FORCE OF IABIT.
THE New Bankruptcy Laws are affording shoals of instances of the truth of the saying that eels
get used to skinning. The other day, a prisoner named MILLAR was brought up for adjudication,
who had been fifty years in jail, and had grown so accustomed to the "law's delay," that M t.
REGISTRAR WINSLOW was afraid of the effect on his health if he were restored to freedom. ieo was
therefore left till the next goal return,-M-R. WINSLow expressing a hope that by that time his
health would be sufficiently reinstated to "bear the shock of an adjudication and release from custody."
In locking him up again the worthy REGISTRAR was "cruel only to be kind."
VOL. I.
DECEMBER 7, 1861.]
A CURIOUS I'TTY.
Ox Montiday lst, is slow 1 passed
'ThIe 'rowMl'ed Str:ian along,
1 lihard a littlll rgi;ed boy,
V .. t ... ,- a .tipu 1il song;
The air was ,ad, the words wire weik,
With neither point nor sense,
But still that urchin chanted it
Will fer\Venic intense.
Like Tu'Irl'ii's'its philosophy,
Its tone is AU'STIN's low,
An All .\ its silnmpl poetry
Could sea ret frotii I (C'sI.O i'S inow
Y, -tlihough tie nililv wis smatl.
And tinhough tihe words \i, poor.-
SThy milade ine pinilder hoiw the ,,rSl
iDemnands a Pe'rfect Cure.
And first the world religious m,,1,
A lthoroI ug'h .,.. slrsii; ht,
For "C'lrisli;i. .. ( ight not It hb,
A synoll fior lhilt;'"
\Anld t.;ils hulhld not he Sellf-ordainl'l
Thelin t i lOl)N, Ilriiiisisn ('lh:ithq(r,"
A\In trnf',, e' guo d l- itio,
A\lid ill)oTO( Croi ('IMIM, wlho dl'vclrl'11
The end is enniing too-
ItligiolI lnimst get ridll of these,
lier shifty to "surire1 :
TI' v o peA o' piil, lous i rLks
DLenIHIIndS fL PCITO'l (t'0r1-.
'The world of 'lftors sintlls t'nulifiI'Id
Soine remndiels t o netd,
Whlile Tl'illl wiiles provorhinl stuff'
That tens.ol thoiusnmls ri'nl ;
While prurient little AUSTIN still
In kchenlels loves to grope,
At second-lhand to file flithe filth
That 'I'li, saoiled the lliunds of PoI',;
While T'oLtIt,'IE) loves the poor "lhilki
cloth"
'With deeper blilack to sniiir
While COLLINS *mndl Ilis WomIan WNhilo
'Can privo tlhei lir lle cliir
While IKlephompnitiisi' niiriiTI
Kind readers will endure;
It's plain flitt lail ,ntr. re, inldedl.
Delinands a Perfect Cure.
I :",l.1.t prolong my Ctnrious song
'Io Itquite ail epie size,
Did T proceed to tell our need,
Spe'ifies to devise.
Onr hlinliiold Iliws show tImple e('llln
Our saift.ies to rep.lir'
Onr politics nar fill of tricks,
That asks rliniedial earl;
I)isorders IIhave Ithlt pihysic need
More sure than their own itull::
"And tlhonslilis nl o ,, it i ent eoi s llti illrl
Might gleant froliti t li:tn, Fale silly uolint
About a P'erfec't C(r'e.
Wit :arce tlie All Englatiid Eleven like
voung ladies wishing to be nmirrid ? -
liecaius they are al'!ways on the look ',ut
for good catches and great niitchi's.
A CORRESPONDENT, who l: Itis le;itti road-
ing the list of' vessels in I.M.'s N;vv,
wiiits to kcnow if the Lvri'fcr is a nimatch
for the WVarrior '
WiTy should crriclrf'trs 1i, vir lh ustted
to a datnce?- teiautse they stlop Ilt ib ll.
Tile PoLISli Q(iEiST'N.- --" Cloan your
boots, ir ?"
PAILwAY colmnmunicationis 'orrillt gonod
manors.
FU N.
[DECEMBER 7, 1861.
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.-No. 2.
.-- OU must know, dear FUN, that we
Shave had another delightful day
.- with the Barkshire hounds. Early
in the morning I rode towards
I '- .`'--_-=- Crackley Gorse, sitting easily in
S -my new pigskin (for my horse,
gentle as a lamb, is not only a
Capital trotter, but is also, like
Sour dear old SPURGEON, just
made for a canter), and looking
"'. --- -_ '-- about for the Bow and Harrow,"
/:---- _w where we were to meet. There
were not so many out at the inn
.' as I had expected, though per-
i haps this was owing to my having
,-' t '''''- lhad a formidable gathering in
Pmy eyie for some days past, and
..'. the reality was disappointing. I
Missed the master, who had, how-
ever, only gone to the dogs a few
minutes before my arrival, and soon appeared whipping his tops in his
oWvn playful style, as he walked towards me with his peculiar gait. Well,
away we went to the cover-side. 'Twas a lovely morning, and in the
bright sunlight we saw the distant hills quite plain; we were lost
in admiration, but soon found in the gorse. We were speedily in fall
cry, at least was, a briar having switched me smartly across the
lcre. Tlh whole field got off very well together, and I got off at the
first fence, having dropped my hiip. My horse, Jugurtha, was very
restive, and would insist on my standing, while he wanted to take a
drain. After a short co-test and a little bribery (with some oats) I
managed to regain my seat. The hounds were by this time out of
sight; I thought I saw them some fields in front, but it was only a
few hares on the brow of the bill. Suddenly I heard a shout in the
liollow. We made for it at a gallop, and tried to get on a head, in which
r succeeded, getting very painfully on my own; for as Jugurtha,
having a hard mouth, didn't care a bit for me, I, in giving him his
head, lost mine; he then rushed at a ha-ha" (a style of hedge not
to be laughed at), and I soon found myself landed on the, edge of a
ditch. Before I had time to collect my senses I saw a horrid bull
coming towards me, of which, as I am no cowherd, I own to being
very much afraid. At last I had the prospect of a good run and the
probability of being the only one in at the death. One blow of his
horn and it would be all over. I felt it would be a toss up whether I
escaped or not. Not taking to hIis looks, I took to my heels, and had
a very fair burst of joy when, on looking back, I saw that he was
tethered to a stake (a cruel memento imori, by the way). I saw the
hounds soEn~ln d 4 1 11 11 T 1i rl 1 lrn er, hl 11 4?m,,r.r\
MR. AND MRS. SMITH AT HOME.
WE understand that MR. and MRs. SMITH (of the metropolitan
theatres) are about to produce an entertainment at the Egyptian
Hall. We have been favoured with the subjoined summary of its
leading features:-
INTRODUCTION.
MR. and MRs. SMITH at dinner.-Dinner chit-chat.-" What that
cold mutton again ? "-Housekeeping money.-How to increase our
income ?-- various suggestions rejected.-"Why don't you give an
entertainment?"-The very thing!-Subject discussed.-Personal
history decided upon.-Send out for two quires of outside foolscap,
and set to work.
THE ENTERTAINMENT.
My birthplace, a workhouse (may be seen on payment of small
gratuity to housekeeper).-My early cducation.-Personation: The
Charity Brat," MRs. SarrTH.-Leave school.-Pecuniary difficulties.-
Cast about for a profession, and am eventually called to the bar (of
the Green Dragon).-Feel I am born to be something better than a
pot-boy.-Am offered an engagement at Drury Lane to make myself
generally useful in pantomime; salary, six shillings per week.-Intro-
duced to MR. BUNN.--My first appearance.-Play "a messenger" to
CHARLES KEAN'S Richard IlI.-Decide to adopt the stage as a profes-
sion.-Peuniary difficulties:-Presented at (County) Court, at suit
of landlady.--Marry landlady to escape consequences.--My wife's
mother.-Comic song: "Oh, don't I love my mother-im-inaw! MR.
SMire.--Quarrel with MR. BUNN.-Introduction to MR. MADDOX.-
Pecuniary difficulties.-Anecdotes of the aristocracy.-Personation :
" The HoN. Tom TATTY'BOY," MRS. SsMITH.-First appearance at
Princess's as fourth soldier in Noureddini; or, the Fair Persian.-
Always very nervous in new parts.-Pecuniary difficulties.-Adver-
tiso to find genteel employment for young ladies, by which they may
realize from 20 to 70 per week.-Pay debts and clear 207.-Quit
the stage, and set up as gentleman of fortune.-Pecuniary difficulties.
-Take to stage again.-Introduced to MR. E. T. SrITH.-Remark on
singular coincidence in our respective surnames.-Play Hurley
Burley in the pantomime.--Recitation: Uneasy sits the Head that
wears a Pantomime Mask," Ma. SmITH.--Domestic differences.-M- s.
SMITrH and the property-man.-" How about the blue fire ? "-Pecu-
niary difficulties.-Advertise for the loan of 50 for three days, giving
bonus of 750, and depositing property worth 30,000.-Obtain loan,
and open classical and commercial academy.-Death of mother-in-law.
Scena: "Stay the seraph wings that bear thee!" (Lucia), IMR.
S-MITi.--Pecuniary difficulties.-Queen's Bench.- A debtor's prison.
-Passing of new Bankruptcy Bill.-Emancipation.-Conclusion.
A ays a 0i % oar s, an e egur of Ot. pe mem erh o ure on the
the hunt admire that horse ; ho carries himself so well and me so AND so TEY OUT.-Som of the papers have lately urge on the
badly, I shall part with him. Buy him, my dear Fus. You'll like "powers that be" the duty of building, at the expense of the nation,
him as sure "as eggs is eggs," or, as the sporting Frenchmen say at libf-boats and harbours of refuge. We think they ought to do so,
Chantilly, as hoofs is hoofs." Glad to see you and any friends. too; and if their efforts only had the effect of saving one "good ship "
Come, rcum mdltis alis.--Yours ever, a year, we would never begrudge the money spent; although this
Come, co's Nti Hrcai.-Yours evY would be the only instance in which we could ever countenance a
fiMrc's A5est, HorschaiM. Guy Fox. .toreck less expenditure on the part of our rulers.
QuITE CONCLUSIVE.-Thero is, at the present moment, a "divided
opinion" as to the condition of the Church of England. Some people
Tiu A GMu IL. ,ws.--Some wolf-cnbs have lately been seen in the say she has much to fear; others, and amongst them LORD STANLEY,
Eissex covers, having been imported for fox-cubs. The game-preserving alfirm that she has not. For our own parts, we hold she must be in
gentry will be loath to have them destroyed, for they will afford .1' seeing that Mi. DIsRAELI has proclaimed himself her
nichl better sport than Reynard, and if tle animals should devour a champion!
liv of their tenants' children, it can easily be considered in the rent, THERE are a great many mean, spiritless nondescripts, who profess
and there will be flower mouths gaping for the corn that is so much to join volunteer corps, get the clothes, and, like the organ monkeys,
required for thl birds. dance the streets in them, never attending drill, and never paying for
"N NEVR s.Y Dl)I-xN !"-Wo thought that Mn. BoucreAULT''s Collee I uniform. Those 'fllows-no, these boobies-are perfect sweeps; they
1,,ic. hlad gone to that bourne whence no traveller returns; we are, join for the sake of the suit (soot), and by all means give them the
ii)iwver, mistaken; she las re-appeared at ASTLEY'S,-ofcourse, as the sack.
Collei.n J3riioe on horseback. IF the WTarrior and the vessels of her class be fitted with iron masts,
WVlAvr THE AitERICANs EXPECT'.-The Yankees fancy we shall we would humbly suggest the adoption of steel yards to the aforesaid
interfere in their quarrels for the sake of our millocracy ; but we are masts. Not only should we thus steal a march upon the enemy in a
much too downy to cotton to them, and shall not join in their fights masterly manner, but these steel yards would be so extremely handy
on account of our mills, in weighing the anchor.
LEs lo iES NAPOLEONTIENES.-TlTh French Emperor went to war ISMPORTANT DoMESTIC QUrESTION.-Should a wife receive as a valid
for an idea. Was it his idea that lie could not be arrested for debt reason for her inferior moiety's incapability to maintain a perfect
while on active service ? i equilibrium after dining out, his excuse that he wears "screwed
A Cox. To VorLUTEERs.-What speaker should reply to a threat boots," and his trousers are "tight ? "
of invasion ?-The Enfield. NEW NAME.-As the Roman Catholic AeRCIHisnoP OF DUBLIN always
WiVY is a deaf man like the lato Tiom.ts MOORE ?-Because he's appears to be in such a sour and crusty mood, he is to be called-
de-barred of' Erin. F'x dixit-for the future ARucHBISHO S ULLEN.
f11-1
__ __
~
DECEMBER 7, 1861.]
:FTU:N.
CARD SHARPS-SHARP CARDS!
DOES EITHER OF THESE GENTLEMEN LOOK AN IIONEST MAN N I THE FA
THE LATEST DEFINITION OF AMUSEMENT.
THE following advertisement from the columns of a contemporary
strikes us as affording food for the meditative mind of man:-
OWN AMONG THE DEAD MEN, a Diver's Story, appears in ENTER-
TAINING THINGS. Profusely Illustrated.
We cannot but wonder at that peculiar state of feeling, under the
influence of which anything connected with down among the dead
men" can be possibly considered as an entertaining thing. The
particular idea of mirth and jollity under such auspices is, we should
imagine, one which would gain the approval of Mu. 3MARK TAPLEY.
Certainly a proper appendant to the above would be a "Book of-Wit
and Jest," the contributors of which should be undertakers and sex-
tons; and the illustrations furnished by Ma. CALCRAFT; we may also
suggest to the conductors of "Entertaining Things" that they find a
place in their columns for Chronicles of a Coffin," and the like
amusing and cheerful class of literature. But possibly those inte-
rested in the welfare of the publication in question imagine that
tle announcement of these charming reminiscences being the story
of a diver will secure their favourable perusal. Divers generally
present a highly mirthful and entertaining appearance and indulge
in the brightest repartee, as may be proved by taking as instances
those swathed-up gentlemen who sit on the edge of the Polytechnic
basin, in full caparison. Therefore it may be that any danger of
non-interest in the "Down among the Deadmen" is obviated by its
being the narration of a diver, which will, of course, find favour with
geese.
WHY are the London Scottish Rifles very unlikely to become
teetotalers ?-Because they work best under Elchoholic influence.
WHY is a drill-serjeant necessarily a good physician?-Because
he's always engaged in play-tune (platoon) exercises.
QUESTION BY OLD BATLEY.--Wlen a cross-examiner sifts a matter,
may he be also said to strain a point ?
LIKELY, BUT UJNPROFITABLE.-To go wool-gathering over thie cotton
question.
CIVIL WAIl.
IT will be a novel treat for all "sensation lovers if two helligerevt,
ships belonging to the iopposito Allericau fictliols ::houl mlcr'ti aind
havo a, fair stand-up lightL in our waters. Ait xc'ursion train would
probably start at tlie first ntio oti o sucli a Iproc'eding, and oilr,
glasses would be as 1plentilil along thei ciost, as a:t. (ilsl's litl'rwill, :a.
volunteer review, the cup day at Ascot, or ian inlir('stini' Iial fwl
murder. The excitement could be kept u1pi oni tinl' u'ls tido Iby
animated bets in ponies, monkeys, tand other fabulous sins, whlii
tle cruel fair ones could transacta little business in killd 6 lOes, kisses,
embroidered slippers, and delicate cigar cases. 'li enter'iising
and distinguished American from the "i' r" in Leic ester-sqillur
might improve the occasion by seLting upl) a stall fir minil .Ijlel,
gin sling, sherry coblcr, and cooling cic'tlail, not only for tli Slpec-
tators, but also for tile combatants, wlio might (coie oin iliire fIr
refreslunent (say ten minutes in the mniildl' of tiI diy tl fior aiI it mis-
tice); and on the whole MRt. ,luil' hiinmself could not, suggest a
better plan for mitigating tle horrors of a war, in this case, of a miost,
civil description.
A CROTCIETY QUESTION.
SIR,-Was IANDE.L a great drinker ? I lihor that wlen comnlsin(
the Creation he ran up a very long score. Apologizing for taking up
your space with this note, I remain, yours trcely,
1)ec-.ilder-linbe. SAM Iir Ev i.
IIARD LINES ON A FI,EI'TOiMANIAC LA, NGIIISHING IN i'IISlN.
Ill.: who's convicted againstt his will,
Is in the same (ohl!) pinions st ill.
(CQordrxi.,,'li ,l1 1: I IONS.)
PluOVEHIIIAL PHIllosol'iY. (oi" Wvt']1 blo cn e n'b e l wpd." Itt'erly
absurd and incorrect : ri l:oar I't I'I.l. l's (F:ook'S (;uidc."
Q:itY.-Wa s I.BUNYAN; a CornisIh mnn ?
115
AFRiC'S 1A111i).
T imH KI l OF HoNN is by no inwnus
in a bonny condition. Sonme of his
I subjects have roboll'd against him,
and, considering tliir coilhir, heir
Behavior is of the very llaeket, kind.
Ini such ia Lime of adversity, wihy does
not the poet Close fly to the aid of his
,I 1 royal patron, who would doubtless be
happier if hel had C'.ose : by him-a
Spot of such remarkable abilities,
'I though unfortunately nllappreciated ill
his own country. ow thlie bnrd
S j! would sear and witlher tlle very cye-
I i i i balls of the contlmniiaious IHonyit's
with his scorching Phililppis, judicious
S compounds oif bosh and llilliniigalto
that they are. Still, wo are not, sure
S but that tlhe sbleo ilonair'li is to lie
congratulated on lthe ailbsnce of his
Laureate ; toijourls perdri. is wNearisoei ',
I but loeiiours Ci.ose,-thio idea is too
dreadful to contemplate.
Mlostr ApriaorIlATE.- 'I-Th initials ofl
the manager of ti, lllank oif I deposit
wero P. 11. Was that synlltoliera of
the Precious M ess in which fithe unllr-
tunate depositors find tllhcmlvces?
Query Iy y our contributor who lias not
got any mioniey thero (or anywhere
else, so far as ho knows).
'"NTICE OF Mo'TION."-T1li railway
whistle.
,CE KINtt LCeer.--IENIv il.: EIGI11.I.
I1 TJU IN [DECEMBER 7, 1861.
ANNOYING FOR FREDERICK (WHOSE ONLY WEAK POINT IS HIS BOOTS).
Chorus of Brigade Boys:-" HERE YAR, SIR! I-HAVE 'EM DONE ? SHINE 'EM UP, SIR ? ON'Y A PENNY!"
LITERARY INTELLIGENCE.
AMroN the announcements which crowd the newspaper columns
at this time of the year, we observe the name of a new work by Dr.
CUMMING, Things Hard to be Understood. Of these, we imagine, the
hardest will be, how Da. CuMiING can write such nonsense, how
people can read such nonsense, and how any reasonable being can
publish such nonsense. Why the DocTOR writes such nonsense is not,
we fancy, revealed in this volume. We should be more inclined to
look for the reason why the profit-loving prophet writes such sensa-
tional piety in the pages of another effusion said to be coming,
Teach us howe to Prey-on the ignorance and credulity of religious
fanatics.
We observe, too, that the world is the better for the Gorilla and
the Land he Inhabits, together with the Great Social Evil, by the REV.
C. H. SPURGEON. What is the meaning of this? If the "by" were
omitted we could see some sense in it, but as it stands, the title would
seem to say that the quadrumanous giant shares the solitude of the
African forests with parties in red petticoats and spoon bonnets. If
the animal be so immoral, we can easily see why the immodest lecturer
on shrews selected him for a subject.
MR. JOHN STUART MILL is about to publish Considerations on Re-
presentative Government. May we hint to him that the English people
would be more at home in reading Considerations on Misrepresentative
Government ? Miss AGNES STRICKLAND'S Lives of the Bachelor Kings
of England will be shortly followed by the Lives of the Kings of
England who wer-e Marriedic once; Ditto who were Married twice or more,
as the case ight be; and Ditto who were Engaged and cried off.
For the sake of the fitlhors of marriageable daughters, we are glad
to see a book announced that will be invaluable next year, when the
exhibition will cause an influx of French counts and German barons.
It is written by Mu. BRANDON, of the Middle Temple, and is entitled,
A Treatise on the Customary Law of Foreign Attachments. Recollec-
tions of a Relieving Officer are promised. The greatest relief he
could have.afforded us, would have been to have lost his memory.
We see MESSRS. SMITH and ELDER still swear by Mn. THACKERAY'S
'Feore Georges.
SPIRITUAL DARKNESS.
TIE other day a poor woman, named SMITH, was prosecuted for a
theft, to which, as the evidence went to show, her husband had driven
her. That saintly brute, who called himself a scripture-reader (and
very rightly, as being one who read it only, and neither understood
nor acted up to it), was in the habit of spending the money, which
should have provided his family's food, in candles-wherewithal to
illuminate in honour of his own piety. If we do not recommend
"The Society for the Diffusion of Christian Knowledge to look into
the case of this benighted scripture-reader, it is because we think
that men of his class are fitter subjects for "The Society for the
Suppression of Vice." For a sinner to neglect his family and spend
his money in drink is bad enough, but it is nothing when compared
with the conceited turpitude of a saint, who starves his children and
makes his wife a thief in order that he may light up his own righteous-
ness, and dazzle the eyes of his uncanonized neighbours.
There is nothing comparable to such conduct, unless it be that
publicity-loving charity, which ignores the poor wretches starving
around it, yet figures handsomely in subscription-lists for the
Otaheitans; and which does its alms after such a manner that if its
left hand does not know what its right is doing, it is chiefly because
people do not use their hands to read the advertising columns of the
Times with.
WiY is one of M. Du CHAILLU's cannibal Fans like a person who
habitually becomes intoxicated ?-Because he puts "an enemy into
his mouth."
116
i
I_ ~~~_~___
DECEMBER 7, 1861.] F TJ
ILLUSTRATIONS TO THE POETS-No. 2.
c-
_gI _
N-'~--- -i
---= ,-
___- -:2 -
"TTHE POET'S EYE IN FINE FRENZY ROLLING."-,'8li Speare.
PLEBEIAN BALLADS.
Adapted (for the first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 11.-THE BALLAD OF SIR GILES DE SCROGGINS.
SI G-ILES DE SCROGGINS wooed Miss BROWN,
Ritol-do-riddle-ol-deray,
Who kept a bonnet shop in town,
Ritol, etc.
Ho swore he would not be denied,
And asked her if she'd be his bride,
To which Miss MARu BROWN replied,
Ritol-do-riddle-ol-dcray.
SI GILES DE SCIrOGGIN, you must know,
Ritol, etc.
Had friends who hated all things low,
Ritol, etc.
And so they tried their best to stop
This marriage with the bonnet shop,
They caught Sim GILEs upon the hop.
Iitol-de-riddle-ol-deray.
Two doctors were suflici-cnt
Ritol, etc.
To lock up this unlucky gent;
Ritol, etc.
The very next week that did come,
Found poor SIR (GIHES extremely glum,
In a pri-vato asy-li-titi.
Ritol-de-riddle-ol-deray.
That night as slept his ciuel mea,
Ritol, etc.
A ghost appeared, and cried, "Ira ha!
Ritol, etc.
Till GCIES regains his libcrtce,
Enach night at ihalf-past two or three,
Expect a spectre just like me."
Ritol-de-riddle-ol-deray.
The ghost then vanished in a flame,
Ritol, etc.
But every night at three it, camo.
Ritol, etc.
At last one night when it had gone,
Slt CGILES's Ima cried out, Si iloliN,
This sort of thing canont go on !"
Ritol-de-riddle-ol-deray.
Sm: JolN exclaimed, My lady, choose
Ritol, etc.
Between the Browns and (ugh!) the Blues,
Ritol, etc.
I'd sooner have the ghost ne'er drop
His visits, have him always stop,
Than tolerate a bonnet shop."
Ritol-de-riddle-ol-deray.
Now true love rocks not prison bars,
Bitol, etc.
And a DE SceooimNs "josts at sears; "
Ritol, etc.
So through a window GIOes crept out,
When nobody was near about,
And slid down a waterspout.
S Ritol-de-riddle-ol-de-ray.
He rushed to find iis M.AY BllowN,
Ritol, etc.
Ho flung the cabman hall-a-crown,-
Ritol, etc.
His fare was sixpence,-and lie flow
To Cranbourno-alley, ninety-two,
And cried, "My MARY, where are you? "
Ritol-do-riddle-ol-deray.
The shop was shut, and all was still;
Ritol, etc.
Sim GILES de S. felt rather ill;
Ritol, etc.
He seized a baker's boy and said,
0 toll me, tell me, is she dead ?"
"No," says the baker, marri-ed."
Ritol-de-riddle-ol-doray.
"If that's the case thenn" groaned Silt C.,
Iitol, etc.
I may as well go back to the
Ritol, etc.
Asylum, whoro I'll poison tako,
But previously my will I'll make,
And say 1've died tfr i It'lns sake.
liltol-d-riddlle-ol-deray.
Iois dreadful threat lhe carried out,
titol, etc.
Upon a nail extremely stout
Ritol, etc.
Ho placed a rope, and tied it round
His nock, but 'twas too long lh found:
He fell: but fell upon tihe ground.
llitol.de-ri(llle-ol-(i lray.
Reflection caimei ulponli him then:
Rlitol, etc.
Hle said, I shall not ,ry again."
Ititol, etc.
Says lie, Sit (Jliis m S(Coi(CiNs, Sir,
As MoLL anolh'er dol, l iroflr,
I ought not to hang aftl r her."
itiitol-de-rihddle-ol-dern.y.
Miss Biutotx now into ljisiness went;
Ritol, etc.
leer lihsbaitii all tlie profits spent:
Ri]iiol, tic.
ie mobt anil almost killed Slt GILErs,
For which he vas trailsported miles
Away, by 1li:. JI-slCil JJIBLEs.
Ritol-dc-riddl'-ol-deri'ty.
WHY must a professor of locuitii o bi a lnrvOi8s mall ?-Because his
art is in lis mouth.
RtADICALL Y B1A.I.- -WlIo ca;lInnoti write inl FI;N ?-E-uI:NI ST JON ;S.
-- ------ I
Iii)
:F U iN.
[DECEMBER 7, 1861.
COMMENCEMENT OF THE LONDON SEASON.
PAN AT THE PLAY.
WELLT, MR. CHARLES MATITEWS and his clever partner have started
their entertainment with every prospect of a brilliant success. It is
strikingly unlike every previous exhibition of the kind, and is, I think,
a great improvement on the best of them. MR. MATrIEWs does not
rely on the rapidity with which he changes his dress and wig, he
depends more upon the exhibition of 'character," and a lively de-
scription of his doings, "the battles, sieges, fortunes he has passed,"
even from "his boyish days." He starts with his birth, and gives his
audience a panoramic picture of his whole life. In the illustration of
various phases of his chequered existence, he is ably assisted by
SM31s. MATl :ES, whoso energy throughout the entertainment is un-
flag-ing, and whoso impersonation of a regular Yankee gal" is fully
s1eal to anything ever done by MRS. BARNEY WILLIAMS or MRS.
FiloniaiXCE. I should advise MR. MATHEWS to excise all that portion
of the entertainment which reveals somewhat painfully his Lancaster
jail experiences. Audiences go to see CHARLES MATHEWS to be
made laugh; and at a cheery banquet of this nature the skeleton is a
guest we can very well do without. Her Majesty's Concert Room, as
the elegant theatre in which the "At Home" is given is termed, has
been crowded nightly since the commencement, and will be so as
long as the popular couple choose to keep the doors open.
Court Cards at the Olympic is not a particularly sparkling comedy,
Iut it is intricate in plot and not too long. MR. PALGRAVE SIMPSON
has taken the groundwork from the French, but has materially altered,
and indeed improved, the original.
The Peep o' Day, which Mr. FALCONEIp has very sensibly compressed
and consequently improved, is attracting large audiences nightly, the
" quarry" scene producing an excitement amounting toa "sensation."
By the way, this word is becoming a terrible nuisance; what with
sensation melodramas, jigs, goats, divines, burlesques, and "headers,"
it is rapidly assuming a tyrannical position in the English language.
It is a phrase borrowed from America, and, like most of their
theatrical importations, we see and hear a good deal too much of it;
I
~~
always excepting Miss AVONIA JONES, who is, as I have before re-
marked, the "genuine article."
A burlesque depending on the mirthfulness of its dialogue was
certainly an experiment on the great stage of Drury Lane, but liss
Eily O'Connor, a per-version of the Colleen Bazun, was a great success,
and Miss LoUISA KEELEY and MR. ATKINS especially distinguished
themselves as Miles and Eily.
PAN is enabled to enlighten his readers as to the Christmas novelties
and their writers. The Drury Lane and Sadler's Wells Christmas pieces
will be written by IMR. BLANCHARD ; the Lyceum, by MR. LEICESTER
BUCKINGHA'n; the Olympic, by Ma. BURNAND; the Strand and
Princess's, by MR. H. J. BYRON; the St. James's, by MR. W. BRoUGI ;
and Covent Garden by MR. MADDISON MORTON. For the next month the
above-named gentlemen will pass feverish nights in "bowers of per-
petual joy" and glens of gloom;" they will have the nightmare in
the shape of a remorseless stage-manager, who will fiercely demand
"thirty more lines to enable them to set that 'cut wood;'" and
ecstatic visions of applauding thousands will not appear to be a
sufficient compensation for the agony endured when the good fairy
keeps the stage waiting, or that marvellous magic tree refuses to do
anything but stick. Of course the Soho (I beg its pardon, the New
Royalty) will, as usual, have "the best pantomime in London;" and
at the City of London, MR. NELSON Lee will produce, with unpre-
cedented effects, his eighteen hundred and sixty-second Christmas
piece.
COUNTRY THEATRICALS.
From Provincial Correspondents.
BRADFORD.-The lessee of our pretty little theatre has engaged, at
an enormous salary, CHOWCUDDER BOBAJEE LOLL, the eminent
Affghanistan tragedian, who will make his deb-t this evening in the
character of Othello. It is rumoured that his personation of the
jealous Moor will be characterized by several important innovations.
Among other improvements, the business of the last scene will be
entirely remodelled, Othello stabbing Desdemona, and eventually
smothering himself with her pillow.
BEDDGELERT.-A thrilling spectacle will, in the course of a day or
two, be presented to the fortunate residents in the vicinity of this
picturesque spot. M. BLONDIN, the eminent rope-walker, has
announced his intention to walk along a rope stretched from the
summit of Snowdon to that of the neighboring giant, Cader-idris.
When half way between the two mountains, he will suddenly appear
to lose his balance, and, throwing away his pole, he will fall headlong
towards the earth, a distance of 3,000 feet. When within a foot or so
of terra firma, his course will be suddenly arrested by a stout line
tied round his ankle, and communicating with the main rope. With
the assistance of this line he will re-ascend, and conclude his perilous
journey. The public will thus have an opportunity of thoroughly
enjoying all the thrilling horror of a hideous accident, without being
shocked by any unnecessary display of blood or broken limbs.
BULLOCKSMITHY.-We understand that a sensation drama of the most
powerful manufacturing interest is about to be produced at this
theatre. The piece is said to abound with situations of the most
thrilling description. One of the scenes, the exterior of the shaft of
an iron-farnace, will be especially exciting. In this scene the villain
of the piece and his rival engage in a desperate struggle at the very
mouth of the shaft. The rival is eventually precipitated, head fore-
most, into the blazing furnace, and is poured out at the base, in the
shape of unrecognisable slag. The last scene takes place in a railway
tunnel. Two heavy villains have enticed the heroine into the tunnel
under the pretence that the hero of the piece (to whom she is secretly
married, but whom she has not seen for years) will be there to meet
her. The villains are about to murder the unhappy girl, in order to
obtain possession of her marriage certificate, when, providentially,
two excursion trains on the same line, but driving at full speed from
opposite directions, come into collision on the spot, killing the two
villains, besides about three hundred passengers. At this moment
the tunnel falls in, and the lover and other characters, who have
been celebrating a village feast on a spot immediately above the
scene of the collision, apd also the heroine's father, who happened to
be passing at the time, are precipitated head-foremost into the gulf.
The hero and heroine, thus ingeniously brought together, confess
their union to the father of the latter, and implore his pardon. The
parental blessing will bring the piece to a strikingly novel but highly
satisfactory conclusion.
BETIREMfENT.--MR. DISRAELI, tired of public life, has, it is reported,
taken the veil-of Aylesbury, Oxfordshire.
DECEMBEE 7, 1861.]
FU TNI-.
POSTE RESTANTE.
i '' ARDON me, amiable and
Si i : i' benevolent FUN, but a short,
S" i i I time ago you were pleased
to allow my appeal on be-
half of the lamplighter to
appear in your columns. I
i | tI cannot say that the generous
i '' and high-minded public of
I England responded to the
Scall. Well, I dare say it's
Small right and business-like:
I | the world's work, and hates
'' a call being made upon it.
l Expectingnothing,andbeing
Blessed in that expectation,
jI iI come before you again:
I and as I have (according to
I my light) made sonie reflec-
I i" i tions upon the lamplighter,
i -let ino now briefly, kindly,
< 'and humanely consider the
S-- postman. He is a necessity
------ -- --' of civilization, a man of
letters. He is punctuality itself, and although his arrival is at post
time, yet he is never behind time. Courteously attentive to the
females, he in no way neglects the mails. He often takes rank as a
general, and in most cases has the charge of a division. In a
charitable point of view, he is the true district visitor, and as to the
means at his command, none can accuse him of not being worth
a rap. Though not equal to MR. GLADSTONE or LORD DERBY as an
orator, yet in his delivery, quick, regular, and with a due attention to
stops. He is busied all day in running from pillar to post, and in
cold weather stamps his feet for warmth, gratis. He is the real
"thirsty soul," ever going to tap. In the metropolis his idea of the
world is "London and twelve miles round," albeit ho is a man of
much intelligence and varied information. In religion he slightly
inclines to the opinions of KNox; and as to morality, considering how
many carry the bag, the appearance of a JUDAs among them is a rare
occurrence. He goes to church on Sunday, and listens with pleasure
to the epistles, which, true to his profession, he carries away with
iim. In December he will expect his regular Christmas letter-box:
give it him as a support for his old age, and when he dies let us sub-
scribe to place over his grave the affecting epitaph, "Post obit."
Yours over, JAMES BAGGES.
Queen's Head Hotel.
ONLY SKIX DEEP.-MR. SPURGEON, with his usual taste, at his last
lecture pointed out two respectable reporters as jackals who lived on
the scraps left by the lion-himself. We are aware that some igno-
rant people have made alion of him-and a very mangy brute too. But,
once invested with the skin, lie ought never to have opened his
mouth on the subject of his pretensions to the leonine title. He
should have remembered that it was when his prototype in the old
fable tried to roar that everybody discovered he was only an ass.
AN OLD SAW AND A MODERN INSTANCE.-" When the devil was ill-
the devil a monk would be." We are not informed under what serious
indisposition the HON. BENJAMIN DISRAELI was labouring on Thursday,
the 14th of November, but ho certainly was delivering his directions
for the management of the Church of England, em cathedrd, on that
date at Aylesbury. The noble Caucasian must have been very unwell
to have put on the bishop.
SAYINGS AND DOIxNGs.-The Evangelical Alliance lately passed a
resolution on the duty of preserving Christian feeling in the midst
of religious controversy." It is a pity they do not keep their good
"resolutions" instead of merely supplying them as pavement for
a place to which they are very fond of condemning all who may
happen to differ from them.
NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC.-In consequence of the close of the excur-
sion season and the commencement of frosty weather, the Slaughtering
Department on the various lines will, until further notice, be con-
ducted by means of frangible axles, flawed tires, and imperfect
coupling-irons.
WrY is a man who goes about with a copy of FUN in his pocket,
like BLONDIN ?-Becaus lie is a F -ambulist.
THE TRADESMrAN'S PACE.--Tho Lcdjer.
THE DISCHARGED STEWARD.
SCiNE.--l eixensiive a ii nd slhoiy sllflilshiii t. ]lorki-l about,
alterii;l, iCn!r' i 't '.
iEnteir ls. GAin iithi blinl' qf bill,-.
MIRS. GAU:L.-OlOh, dear Ine! was ever poor womlllnn deceived as I
have been? I'm ruined ruined! I lhad misgii'vij ,;, but l lt. 'l 'i r,
my manager, when lie did conimnuinicate anything, said it was all
right." What slihll 1 do ? I must shut up, and be laughed at. Oh,
M\i. TACIT! MIR. Louis TAiIT !
LEiier Louis TwIT, (fc;''ill a).
TAclT.-There's a noise Well ?
iRS. GAuL.-No, Ml:. TACIT, it is not well; there shall be a noise.
TACIr.-It may be so. Yes, tlhro shltll be a ilniise. (lSmill'.)
MRs. GAUL, you look delight! See, tho weather, ow line! Our
neighbour, Anglais-his Exhibition-line, large Your s, i t come,
much grand, iaorceaux. inconceivable! sublinie 1 have plke.
Mas. GAUL.--No, no! I won't be cajoled. You've ruined ilmy
establishment. I'm lna d! So your rebuilding, yourim inpruo\vements,
your splendid ties, our grand :.,. gaes, are all on credit.
Oh, you sly deceiver! What's io be done ? \WVhat, is to t, done?
MR. TACIT (smi ling).-'Trul I Silpak. ]. 1 :1 saL I ai respm11 i-
sibility. It was winter-I, the Man of Ieceimber, cane! .1 sw I
conquered! Say, have wo not ad sununer-sununr glorious s P? 'Yo
have me much trust-your heart--your possessiolns-your bahll
Your lucre filthy! You say "gono it is." We are debt-- tillo. i
Gloire You have no nmore-I am content-pauvrc-huhmbhle I re-
signmout-I no longer your purse conumnud-c'est ai, your deil s
aulons I have spok [ ''it, smiliii.
Kas. GAUL.-But, here! Mit. TAIrTi! What shall I (doi Tli
wretch! The cold, calculating, heartless schemlr, I'll disclhairge hiim
at once. [ Exit.
WOMAN AND ART.
BY OUR R.A. (REGULAR AIITIST).
WoIMAN is the greatest artist in creation. She pencils her (ye-
brows, and thus does masculine drawing. IIn the flower of' her youth
she paints rose leaves on her clheks, and whlell the real rose leaves
still does the samo. With dexterity she applies carmine it her lips,
at which we gaze with ..- Ii...-- but a calm cyne, but rather with aI
longing for a smack, which, if w ven on, xrll we niny recivo linaIk
in return, and thus, perhaps, reverse the natural ort-der o'f iial, afil, iy
having water floating over instead of under it. She sofli(.s ( ILho hard-
ness of her skin with violet powder, making it a neutral linl, blhtween
the unadorned and the rouge,-- which, by the w ay, ought to be pro-
nounced rogue, becanso it is a base deceiver,-and, however lair it
may seem to her, it is scarcely so in reality.
I have never yet known a woman who could not show lirself in a
good light, if you would allow her to do the slhading for o llhers.
Even the most insignificant of her sex possesses that charming pre-
Raphaelite quality of bringing distant objects into the foreground ; bil,
like the painters of tlat delightful brick-wall school, sho can show yiu
the surface of others with a marvollous microscopic Iiinuteness.
Woman is Idealistic in regard to herself; to others the leal Iha
no firmer friends. Indeed, WAiDDLEs, thle eminlent grmnbler, onic,
said that woman is all surface: would that it, were true! It is my
belief that if the highest yearning for the Ideal were mcoasured down-
wards, it would still require another highest yearning added to ii
before it would approach in any way to the ctio depth of a woman !
And yet I am not hard upon telm, for my art compels me to lovo
them, and, therefore, I am lenient. Thle JRcal is their forte. Ask
JONES, who was stopped in the middle of his declaration by a queslioll
as to how much ho was worth,--the questioner mightli hav meant,
his moral worth. Ask ANGELO SMIrTH, who, while in the awfil
act of "popping," was told that lie was kicking tli carpet to
pieces with his boots,-ANGELO always wears double soles. Ask
TITIAN B.ROWN, who, at the same eventful imoent of his life,
was politely requested not to place hii dirty cake tolbaco iln tli
requestor's hand,-tliat Was a pure accident, for IlIOWN toll me tlhn
he thought that it was his portrait. Ask,-but I need inot addhlui
more proofs. They arn Realistic in all business iflairs, aid, of course,
marriage and all that sort of thing is but business to thni(.l-thnm-
selves being the goods to be sohl: and having 1h'itaniFvat i it, ltey
retire upon the profits. A pretty flirt can draw i circle in a very
short time. At a geonmelrical net she is a perfect adept; tli wvor', if
it being that it looks so like a real one, that, flies and miotihsi lm'y 1l]:ni,
they are entangled in its meliches; until, lired of waifing fh r tih
spider, they surprise themselves by flying awaty to a real ni,.
121
I
F TUN.
[DECEMBER 7, 1861.
COTU-IETESIES OF1 TI-E :IELID.
Il'/jrpcer-in (with excitement) :-" GET ALONG'OME WITH YER WICIOUS OLD CAMEL, YER COCKNEY TAILOR! BLESSED IF YER ARNT KILLED
OLD RASSELAS, OUR BEST 'OUND["
SNow our friend CIi'FFINs thought the man had come up to help him to remount the playful creature which had kicked him off, and taken a
gallop among the hounds.-N.B. Several adjectives are repressed.]
ALMANACK AND DIARY,
ASTROLOGICAL AND METEORILLOGICAL NOTICES.
?lovemets in the Heavenly Bodies. The GEMINI, who have recovered
from a severe indigestion (brought on by their intercourse with
CANCER), being convalescent, are now staying with their MARS, at the
8th House from the sign of the Bear.
TAUIruS looks threatening. There will probably be several sharp games
of pitch and toss in NEPTUNE'S quarter.
DECEMBER.
I 5 Morning, at St. Verger-in-Fields. Tea Service and Sevre-al
collection, in aid of China. Sermon by REV. T. Porr.
M Teeth extracting from the mouth of the Thames.
: Tu Scouring of Salisbury Plain by Volunteers-and imaginary
brushes with the enemy.
7 S
I
FIN pleads the general issue. Complimentary visit to the
Editor by H.R.H. the PRINCE CONSORT and the Committee
of Frozen-out Gardeners.
Cup day at the Royal College of Surgeons.
Grand West Riding Steeple Chase by Members of Convocation
(York).
Free School Feast at the Bank of England. Ham Common
and several tongues of land cut up into Sandwiches.
LONDON GUIDE FOR COUNTRY VISITORS.-Interier of Bow-street Station-
hliose.-The interior of this remarkable building can be seen on applica-
Sion of your stick to somebody's head (some one in authority is best-say a
policeman) in the neighbourhood of Covent Garden; you will be speedily
S.1.. .., t ...... I,- conducted to the building,-not, however, free of charge.-
1 *. I, celebrated for its pretty barmaid and her arch-way It is
very convenient to sight-seers, being open at all hours of the day and night.
(eood accommodation for man and beast. Hotels and Taverns.-Lincoln's
Inn, House of Call for Lawyers; Gray's Inn, frequented by Grazing
Farmers; Dane's Inn, much resorted to by Swedes.
HINTS FOR PEDESTRIANS IN LONDON.
When Tired-Do not go to sleep on door-steps, a proceeding which
renders you liable to be disturbed by the police; but take forty 'winks
on an itinerant fish-stall in Oxford-street; the luxury will only cost
two-pence, and you'll get a pin into the bargain.
When Hungry-Look -bout for a nice open gutter, and take a roll.
When Thirsty-Jump over a sewer grating; this is the most simple
method of taking a drain.
THE COMING SENSATION!
"Year it goes round, round, round!"
The Proprietors of FuN, wishing to make a few-roar with laughing, and alao to set the
BRITISH PUBLIC
grinning from year to year, beg to announce that they have entered into arrangements with the
most exalted personages of the day (including BLosDIN) for the speedy production of the
FUN ALMANAC FOR 1862,
comprising some
EDUCATIONAL MINUTES OF GREAT MOMENT,
(not second-hand information); an Essay on the Fore-quarters, by HIlno; Problems in
Draughts, by the GovEnon of the BANK ; Voice of the Stars, by a Lighterman, etc. The
Almanack will be of such a character that
MEMBERS OF THE GOVERNMENT
will be compelled to TAKE IT UP, and then find themselves totally unable to PUT IT DOWN.
I he Month of March will be devoted to the Volunteer Movement. Full Notice of the
GREAT EXHIBITION,
which will OPEN in MaySand CLOSE to the Kensington Museum. Our Sporting Readers will
also be attended to, for our particularly fine cover will be drawn,without any chance of its being
a blank; and finally,the outside will give great promise, which any one may look uponas binding.
HOORAY!
London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE at the Office, 80, Fleet Street E.C.-Saturday, December 7,1801,
2 2
DECEMBER 14, 1861.]
IFU TsN.
GREECE,-ITS HUMOUROUS HISTORY.
BY M'ASSA HOYLE.
Illustrated with Sketches taken on the Spot.
CHAPTER THE ELEVENTH.
THE application of the ostracism in the case of ARISTIDES shows
the ideas of the Athenians regarding justice in a somewhat ludicrous
light. A fat lazy citizen (no chronicler whom we have consulted
mentions that he was fat, but he must have been so), not being in the
habit of reading the daily papers, or taking any notice of public
characters, was ignorant of the pretensions or personal appearance of
ARISTIDES. He knew how to write his own name, and being a rich
man he had never considered it necessary to make any further
advance in the art of calligraphy. Consequently, he had to rely upon
the assistance of some more highly educated friend. Meeting
ARISTIDES in the course of his ante-prandial promenade, and not
knowing him, he asked him to be kind enough to write on an oyster-shell
the name of ARISTIDES. On that astonished individual inquiring the
cause of the gentleman's animosity, the citizen replied, with charming
candour, that wherever he went he heard so much of ARISTIDES THE
JUST," that he was determined to put an end to the nuisance. Upon
this, we are told, ARISTIDEs did write, but for our part we think he
did wrong. However, the story of ARISTIDEs may be on a par with
those of MRS. HARRis-tides. THEMISTOCLES was another victim to
this free and easy system of banishment. EURYBIADEs, a Spartan,
who commanded the Grecian fleet, was so alarmed at the numbers
exhibited by Persia, that he said to his followers, Dis-persia-selves."
Upon this, THEMISTOCLES, with great presence of mind, told the
Spartan commander that he was a cowardly vagabond, or words to
that effect. EURYBIADES raised his arm, and was about to give him
one, and in fact, to pitch in-too, when THEMISTOCLEs gave vent to
his feelings in that famous phrase, Strike, but here," meaning his
It-*\ -- -_-'-- -
.- ....--- ri -- -If-
chest, which was covered with a brazen plate of some inches thick,
and warranted to resist a fist of even filty knuckle power. EurY-
BIADES was so overcome by the force of the remark and the strength
of the habit, that he hid his face in his hands and hid the Persians
immediately afterwards. THEMISTOCLES having done everything lie
could for his countrymen, was in return done for by them, and
banished. CIMoN, the son of MILTIADES, is one of the only instances
of a benefactor to his country who was not banished, and he saved his
ungrateful friends the trouble, by dying of a wound received in
Cyprus and the right side. The eloquent PELiCLESs was the
next great creature in Athens, and he was remarkable for his
elegant home and first-rate address. He raised, with the assisitanic
of capital and his friend PuIDIAS, several magnificent buildings and
statues, and having made Athens an example of a capital, the Atlie-
nians made him a capital example, and, banishing him from Athens,
left him to cool his heels at Elis. During the l'eloponnesian war,
which was a general row, in which the Athenians, the Corinthians, ti'
Corcyrans, and tie Lacedminonians were all at loggerheads, a pesti-
lence broke out, and HIPPOCRATES, the father ol" medicine, and we
might say the Old Pa of doctors, distinguished himself, and was
rewarded, not with a guinea as are our physicians, but with a simple
crown. However, the greatest man of and for his ago was SOCnATr.s,
who is supposed to have been considerably wiser than SoiL.onN, tund
to have possessed many more accomplishments than COvNT U)'(OsAI,
the admirable CaICILroN, or in fact anybody who ever lived before or
after him. He is said to havo brought down philosophy from heavii
to earth, and it is certain that ho was eventually very nmclh brought,
down himself in consequence ofill-natured folks saying his pupils were
not well brought up. He was sentenced to drink hemllock, and this is,
we believe, the first introduction of the fatal drop in cases of c'nplili
punishment. He looked towards his departure with composure, andi
having also looked towards" his friends, took it offlwithout taking
on," and expired in the most philosophical and serene manner
imaginable.
1 -Lt!S I, ,- :- ,,i
~ N" ,/
THE END OF SOCRATES.
" HE CONVERSED CHEERFULLY, AND SWALLOWED IIIS GLASS OF BITTER WITHIN A COURAGE WHICH ASTONISHED ALL SPECTATORS."
VOL. I.
~__
"
''
L---i~--------
F-UN .
[DECEMBEE 14, 1861.
1st Shoeblack :-" Now, THEN, BILL, HERE'S A CONNUNGoRUM FOR YER. IWY IS
SURGEON LIKEr THE INFALLIBLE PILLS?"
2nd Ditto:-" GIVE IT UP."
1st Ditto:-" Cos H B'S A PERFECT CURE."
AMERICA AND EDWIN JAMES.
A DUET SONG OF AN ENLISTMENT.
A. You fugitive counsel and ex-M.P.,
Enlist as a citizen under me;
Spout in my courts and shine at my bar,
Yankees don't mind how tainted you are.
E. J. I come, Ma. JONATHAN, to enlist pnder you,
I'm quite out of work, and want something to
do;
You.know I'm ambitious, but now out of luck,
With all my disgraces, Eve plenty of pluck.
A. First, you can speech well?
E. J. Cheerily, boldly;
A. Plenty of bunkum tell?
E. J. Hotly or coldly.
A. Your answers are saucy, brisk, and free,
Lacquer your brass, you'll do for me.
A. You rose in ahurry, and so did I,
The thing's to be done if you're 'cute and spry;
Clients, constituents, scriveners too,
Juries and widows were the sort for you.
E. J. Excellent fun, and sparkling fame,
By skilful hits at the folks you name,
BERNARD, and Marylebone, Italy's friend,
Tattersall's, Brighton, and.a.bankrupt end!
A. Pray, are you humble ?
E. J. Never a bit!
A. Some rise by a tumble,
B. J. My marriage to wit.
A. Your morals are pliant, you've audacity,
You're just my slick sort, so enlist under me.
THE MUSICAL WORLD.-It is perfectly absurd for
the English people to profess to be musical. In
spite of all the MAcFARRENS, LOVERS, BALFES, and
BISHOPs, foreigners will neverbelieve that we have
any taste or ear, so long as organs and German
bands are suffered to do discord in our streets,
unpunished by the strong arm of the law.
THE REAL "PRAIRIE FLouR."-Indian corn.
ALMANACK AND DIARY.
ASTROLOGICAL AND METIEORILLOGICAL NOTICES.
FULL MOON.-The MOON will soon be quite full, thousands unable to gain
admittance; all applications for seats must be made to CHARLES
WAIN.
VOICE OF THE STARS FOR DECEMBER.-The weather has unfortunately
not been favourable, and the stars, having lately been out a great deal
at night, have entirely lost their voice.
PREDICTIONS FOR TlE MONTH.-There are signs offearful times coming on.
of vampires, octoroons, and retired locusts, will again ravage the vine-
yards of the metropolis. On the 26th of this month the expression,
Here we are again !" will be in the mouths of many, but no deep
political signification can be attached thereto.
DECEMBER.
8 5 Grand Oratorio at Lambeth Waterworks, and new sensation
song by the BIsnoP OF LONDON, The See! the See!"
0 M Horticultural f.te in the City, and Inspection of Stocks.
10 Ti'S Ma ch of Intellect to Wimbledon and back.
11 W Gold weather, but FUN keeps up a brisk circulation and is
everywhere warmly received.
12 TH DEEi'uOOTr runs against a lampost; burts himself.
13 F At TATTEuSA.LL ', subscription list to the Thirty-nine Articles
open from a shilling upwards.
14 S The week expires: universally regretted by all who knew him.
IN-Dooi AMUSEMENTS FOR DECEMBER.-This is a very cheery month
for all recreations within the walls of our homes. We hasten to warm the
reader's fbet, hands, and heart by the following hints for games:-
The Porpoisc.-Go into the dining-room and pretend to be a porpoise ;
if no one'will enter into the fun of :he fting, go into the hall and pretend
to be something else.
Hunt the Slipper.-Hide your old uncle's slippers, or those of any
elderly gentleman if irate and gouty; then empty the water-jug on his
carpet: this should be done just after he has come in from a long walk,
and immediately before he dresses for dinner. The hunt for the slipper
will be very exciting.
Old King Cole.-A veryamusing game. Open the drawing-room door
a very little way, place a well-filled coal-scuttle on the top of the door,
inside; any one suddenly entering from without will be probably stunned,
perhaps killed, by the fall: in either case an excellent game for two players.
Chairy-wary.-This game (of Italian origin, we believe) is very funny,
and does not require much preparation for its execution. Watch a stout
elderly gentleman rise to trim the lamp (which should be placed temptingly
before him), and remove his chair quietly: he will, in attempting to sit
down, fall heavily on the floor, and probably injure himself for life. Some
finish up the game by kicking the player who is down on the head, but
this, though amusing, involves the game in unnecessary complications.
It is capital fun and Very exciting.
CROWNEE'S QUEST LAW.-Not long ago, at an inquest on a body
recovered from a pond of water which had collected in a gravel-pit in
the West of England, tho jury returned a verdict of "found drowned
in a gravel-pit." The coroner requested them to amend their verdict
by the addition of the words "there being water in the place."
THE RIGHT WORD.-Tho feeling experienced by the parties satirized
in the Nil hiDrpen, can only be fitly described as a frantic state of
indigo-nation.
BOOKS.-New edition of STRYPE'S memorials,-a slave's back after
the lash.
WHAT is the proper material for a card-table ?-Deal.
1i1!
__
DECEMBER 14, 1861.]
FU1N;.
TIUMANITY.
A SONG FOR THE "SHOW."
To A RIGHT TRULY-ROORAL AIR.
OI! what a town, what a wonderful meat-ropolis,
Where twenty thousand sheep, or more, are swallowed every day.
Where every tavern seems to get of mutton chops monopolies,
To feast the hungry customers inclined that way.
Sixty thousand pots of stout each hour in a jiffey gone,
Dublin down our throats ere long, must surely see its Liffey gone;
Just a thousand bullocks cut up daily into steaks for us,
Whilst thirteen thousand tons of cheese digesting them it takes
for us.
Oh, what a town, etc.
Go to the Show" and you'll see, or get a chance of it,
The people who this provender for town provide ;
Knowing the reality you there have the romance of it,
Fairy-fashioned animals all standing side by side.
Notice what fine joints they have, with oil-cake all well lubricated,
See the silver medals that for prizes are adjudicated,
Then think of what silver sides of rounds of beef you'll get from
them,
And fancy what contentment you will feel when you have ate from
them.
Oh, what a town, etc.
Calls at the stalls soon will make a quick despatch with them,
For buyers only look at them and buy they do;
As for our Southdowns there's nothing that can match with them,
And all who have the slightest taste will say so too.
Just the sort of dinner for a valetudinarian,
Quite enough to re-convert the greenest vegetarian,
You look at every sheep and feel before you have your wonder
done,
How very nice a cut at you would be a little underdone.
Oh, what a town, etc.
Look in each nook, and you'll notice the majority,
A great amount of flesh unite with very little bone;
Brought are the short horns to such superiority,
You wouldn't think it vain of them to blow their own.
There's a steer that does appear, like nothing of the oldlen kind,
Which carried for its owner ofl'a medal of the golden n kinl
And there's a splendid cow which did the same and made a many
swear,
"I'm danged if such an animal I've seen like that'un anywhere."
Oh, what a town, etc.
Heeding the breeding, you couldn't auvijimil try,
To fix where such progressionists will'ever ccsae,
Mere fat-none of that-now we go for symnet ry,
For which it isn't needful they should run to grrase.
What a splendid study for the painter do they there afford,
Nothing can be better than a Devon but a Ilerefrd,
Think of steak and onions, and you long to set the coolk lt them,
For though you screw your month about, it waters just to look it,
them.
Oh, what a town, etc.
Peep at the sheep and you'll wonder what they rut on things,
To make that woolly coat of theirs so much adliiredl
Pigs, we all know, are'like facts considered stulborn thini;,"
But here they seem to amplify to any size required.
Of course his ROYAL HiIGHNESS, lnnle n11ro Ibr1 tl'ltlle lo11 ] l 'r
men,
Wins a prize as usual for the very finest specimriiv; "
It really seems to look as il'the PTmutIN' had got; tho vnnilty
To think he could convert the world b1y pi:s to Christinilty.
Oh, what a town, etc.
Oh! what a show for those symbols ofrurality,
Jolly round red faces under short crowned hats ;
Top-boots encasing logs of vast substantiality,
Unpleasant for those sharspers who take countrymen for flats.
Don't they fill our concert-rooms, Whore they away their money
fling,
And every time the comic man has said or done a funny thing,
Don't they thump those legs about, and roar at all his wit again,
"Danged, that be a rummun; why he makes a chap's sides split,
again! "
Oh, what- a town, etc.
Oh what a show for the wonders of machinery,
For everything and anything a farmer needs,
Mammoth mangold-wurzel for the time when there's no greenery,
Turnips that top even them as supernatural swedes:."
Search the wide world through and through be sure you couldn't
take a street,
To show a better butchers' treat than this, the last in Baker-
street,
So every year may it appear increasing in prosperity,
And we no'em want a catlc-slow tO fitten Ip) posterity.
For oh such a show of meat in the neat-ropolis,
Was never yet exhibited to outdo this.
HORSES v. FROST.
UNDER this heading a correspondent of the Evenilnq Ierild pro-
poses an admirable method of enabling horses to rise :after having
fallon in the shafts of.carts or waggons. The shafts, he Ihinks, should
be moveable by means of bolts or screws which could I( withdrawn.
The vehicle could then be propped up by thIt rest which is already
attached to most carts, and the horse, having no weight pressing
him to the earth, could easily rise.
As this suggestion about carts and waggons is for tie )publlic wal,
we put our spoke in in its favour, and readily make FUIIN tie vehi('le
for carrying it to the ends of the earth. We hope the proposal will
not be met with the shafts of ridicule, or with a horse laugh ; and we
give the proposer carte blnichc to carry out a *.... -ir..i which is
certainly not a mare's nest. A cart with moveable shafts would un-
doubtedly wag-on just as well as with fixed shafts, and whether a
horse falls on the dusty road of summer, or the ice and snow of
winter, it makes snow difference,-a pun for which we deserve thIo
whip. However, we wager a pony that now we have given the
suggestion this spur it will go at a rattling pace.
A REGULAR STAG-GERE.--DAVIs, the QUEEN'S huntsman, says it's
a.great pity that certain London lawyers, who rido so many miles
every week to the hounds," don't ride a few with 'cm, as well.
~-T--
FUTTN.
[DECEMBER 14, 1861.
[DECEMBER 14, 1861. 1
The scene is laid in CHARLEY POYNTER'S place in the country.-Timne, the vert middle of the dog days.-The plot is a scandalous one of
CHARLEY'S, w2e believe.
Charley:-WELL, YOU MUST PUT UP WITH PART OF MY BED FOR TO-NIGHT, OLD FELLOW. YOU WON'T MIND THE DOGS BEING IN THE
ROOM, AND THE BED IS QUITE BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL OF US."
Fisitor:-"ALL OF US! WHY, WHO ELSE IS THERE?"
Charley :-" Ou! ONLY THIS LITTER OF BULL PUPS!"
ENGLAND'S DESPATCH TO AMERICA.
Tuus speaks the British LYONS:
Yankee, remove those irons
From the men whom you lawlessly have ta'en;
England will never be
Insulted on the sea,
For the Lion is the Monarch of the Main.
"Soon ye'll not dare to laugh
Go, cut your flag in half,
While your insult stern Britannia outwipes
Old England's sturdy tars
Will make you cry My stars!'
CRITICIZABLE CRITICISM.
A MONTHLY newspaper, which aims at rivalling the Saturday
Review, and only resembles it in being a weakly publication, treats us
to the following charming passage in a review of a new novel:-
Some of the rustic sketches are remarkably good, and relieve the almost too
painful interest of the story. Farmer Wishart's interior, for example, and the
eccentricities of the farmer's wife, who has inherited a fortune, are real paintings
from nature, and lend a singular charm to the tale."
We imagine that a painting from nature of Farmer WISHART'S
interior would give a very "singular charm" to any book calling
itself a novel-not a work on anatomy.
When you feel upon your currish hides our 'stripes."' "THE DAM WAS LOOSED, THE STREAM FLOWED FBEE."-A paragraph
has been going the round of the papers, describing how a person, who
for some years had lost his speech, recovered it suddenly through the
vehemence of an angry exclamation at losing a fish he had hooked.
CARRYING OUT AN IDEA.-Some time since an American paper As this fact has been described as "a special Providence" by some
headed its announcements of Births, Deaths, and Marriages," as owre gude" folks, we venture to hint that the magical word which
" Hatches, Matches, and Despatches." The number of Divorces bids broke the spellof silence and set the stream of speech flowing, most
fair to make the list longer, and if we add the Gazette of Bankruptcy probably began with a d."
too, we shall have "Hatches, Matches, Despatches, Detaches, and
Flatcatches." THE FRENCH INVASION POSTPONED.-There does not appear to be
BOCK AGAIN!"-Tait's Magazine, which every one thought dead, any fear of the much-talked-of French invasion, just yet; for, before
has just come to life again, the numbers for September, October, and the EMPEROR can get over the Straits of Dover, he must, as a matter
November all appearing together. After such a revival we cannot of course, first get over those in which he now finds himself placed.
but say that the proprietor is tdte hontde. POETIC MEASURES.-A new magazine, to consist entirely of verse, is
SHORT AND SWEET.-A brief career,-that of EDWIx JAMES in to be issued under the title of Moder Metre, a Medium for the Poet of
England. the Day. We fear it is not likely to be the circulating medium.
126
~
DECEMBER 14, 18G1.] ] ]J
Or to BELLrM.)Y' rush withi indelalilte hi lsto,
C When of my elocution I give them a taste.
oi t t bu i't' U t aOh, dearl, attack it as slow,
SU ,'.. L' M I Do tlhe press, but it doesn't nacl t L.,oiulin \lltI.o,.
LE N
~~ i I;
SCHOLASTIC.
Mild Teacher :-" You WERE NOT AT SCHOOL LAST SUNDAY,
TOMMY."
Promising Pupil:-" BUT I woS THOUGH."
M'. T.-" NOW, TOMl Y A, I AMl AFRAID THAT IS AN UNTRUTII."
P. P.-" I'LL LAY YOU A Pint oN IT. COME, NOW! "
PLEBEIAN BALLADS,
Adapted (for the first time) to Aristocratic Circles.
No. 12.-THE BALLAD OF LORD WILLIAM BARLOW.
DEAR ladies and gentlemen, how do you do ?
I'm Loan WILLIAM BARLOw, and just twenty-two,
I have chambers in town, and a box in the north,
But I'm no eldest son, I am merely the fourth.
Oh, dear, racketty oh,
Has been the existence of young LoaR BARLow.
I've a very great lisp, and an elegant drawl,
And an eyeglass through which I see nothing at all;
Down the middle I part my fair hair like a girl,
But do what I will, I can't get it to curl.
Oh, dear, black it or no,
Of carrots a case is the hair of BARLOW.
My tailor is much more expensive, I hear,
Than most,-I employ him because he's so dear;
I draw in my waist, and I puff out my chest,
And padding and Providence do all the rest.
Oh, dear, HACKETT I owe
Such a sum! but he knows I'm LORD WILLIAM BARLOW.
I'm a member of BROOKS's-you know that's a club;
Though I really must say there I oft get a snub;
The elderly swells all declare me an ass,
And when I approach move away from the glass.
Oh, dear, crack it I know,
Would some if they looked there as oft as BARLOW.
I've a scat for Soft Sawdershire, down in the west,
But whenever I rise, all the house sinks to rest;
__7
129
I've a, bay mare at MAsoN'S, and daily I go,
And display its line paces in gay rlotton-row;
It paws at th turf, and its cat is so sleek,
And it's wonderful action for two pounds a week.
Oh, dear, to back it 've no
Objection against any other for show.
Though dancing is not very much in my way,
I far frLom object to a bal dli ballet,
At a masquerade ball, though the "make up is dear,
I am rather the thing a a gay cavalier.
Though dear, whack it, thero's no
Costumier can--not SIMMONS or NATHAN and Co.
Going peacefully hoine is an action I rsorn,
So I mostly get into a row ero the mnirn,
If any obtrusive policeman hiMts "bad,"
I square and then "let out my loft" at his lead.
Oh, dear, crack it, I go
To the station attached to the street termbd Bow.
In charity p'raps I'd give something away,
But then I've so many dear tradesmnen to pay,
And Ive mortgaged, post obited, borrowed, ind iHo,l,
Till my discounting friends won't be further cajoled.
Oh, dear, jacket, heigho,
Would the guv'nor this child if lie only did know.
Now I fear on the wholo that I cannot lay claim
To a very clear right to sustain a greatly name,
Though noble blood does in my veins freely flow,
I'm afraid nothing elso doth nobility show.
Oh, dear, lack it I know,
Doth this swell of the period-Bi.r. BARLow.
"WORK! WORK! WORK!"
WE print in large type tho namo of Mas. BRIDENBOURG, who
was'brought up at the Sheriffs' Uonut on the 30tlh ultimio for not
paying a poor workwoman 12s. 9d. for making twenty-thrce
GARIBALDI shirts. These shirts were to be made at 8id. each, and
took five hours a piece in making. Although they wore well made
and properly finished, Mns. BIalENBouRnt attempted to beat the
needle-woman down to fourpenco a shirt, on the Iplea that they were
inferior in workmanship. Five hours' work for fonrpeno !--and in
the name of GARIBALDI! We hopo the name of the champion of
freedom will never again be applied to these articles. Let tenm li
called BRIDENBnoRG shirts, a title wlich we hope will confer on the
harsh task-mistress a notoriety that is not fame.
THE SINFULNESS OF EXCURSION TRAINS.
WE have often wondered what sort of people those could le who
cried out at the wickedness of a poor working man's getting a mouth-
ful of fresh country air on his only holiday. At the November
sessions ofthe Central Criminal Court our curiosity to sco a por'son of
this class was satisfied. Tho REv. II"NRY IloLLowAY, who was
sentenced to eighteen months' hard labour for one outo of a series of
systematic robberies at railway stations, said in his dihoince that
"railway directors were guilty of desecration of the Salbatilh by
running their trains on that day, and that they, and every one ('so
who received a dividend from such a source, were guilty ofa great
crime."
Tir PArp i Durry.-It is very likely that in the year ]9f2, some
curious correspondent of Notes airl (C.c ic~ nmay be ignorant ofthio
origin of the term "not worth a Ip." TIh phrase nrost in the days
when small quantities of cheap articles were not,, wlihn Hold, worth
a wrap." That is to say, the profit was so small on the article if self,
that the shopkeeper could not afford to envelop i it, in isuch il expen-
sivo cover as paper. Bly recording this in he tpahn gs ol' FUN, we cllsiire
immortality to tlhe t'rue derivation of whIat would otherwise some
centuries hence become an obscure ftigum' of speech. But now, when
LoRD MACAUiLAYI's New ZO--- No! e won't! wlthlink we have ret
with this reference before.
FU IN.
[DECEMBER 14, 1861.
Landlord:-" HULLO BACONFACE, ARE YOU AND YOUR MISSIS GOING IN FOR TIE PRIZE
MEDA L P"
Tenant: -" NOA, SQUOIRE, NOA; BUT 31OY MISSUS AN ME W'E'RN GOWTEN THAT
FLOOSTRAYTED 'LONG 0' THAY STEAM-INJINS AND CROWDS AN PUSHIN', AND TMAY DRAFTED
O)INIBUSTES, THAT W'EM THOUGHT BEST BTDE LONG 0' OUR BIT LOT 0' PEGS TILL SHOW BE
CLEAN OVER, AND SUN TAMMiUS CAN TAKE WE BACK WOUM TO CHAWBOROUGH."
OUR LIBRARY TABLE, AND BOOKS
WE MAY EXPECT ON IT.
THE following "announcements" may be
regarded as authentic:-
"Tom Brown at the Oxford," by the
Author of "Tom Brown's Cool Days." Also,
John Jones at the Canterbury Hall," by the
same writer.
Crawlings to Competence, a City
Legend," by Author of Footsteps to Fame."
The Policeman of Pimlico," by the Author
of the "Constable of the Tower."
"The Best out of Three," by the Author
of "One of a Thousand."
Heads I Win," by the Author of "Double
or Quits."
A Hint to Go," by the Author of Notice
to Quit."
"The Kitchen and the Range," by the
Author of the Cloister and the Hearth."
"A Stitch in Time," by the Author of
SIt's Never too Late to Mend."
NEW MUSIC.
The New Educational Minuet. (R. LowE
and Co.)-This is by no means well-timed,
and is an exceedingly ungraceful movement.
Although it has made many heads of schools
dance, all the attention it has received from
their feet is in the shape of a vigorous kicking.
BURKE AND HARE-ISTOCRATIC.
MOST HONOURABLE FUN,-Not liking the
way in which so many noble families have
been burked by ST.-I mean SIR-BERNARD,
I beg of you,-you the ever-wise, the clever,
the pleasant, the agreeable, and, above all,
the aristocratically connected,-to tell me one
thing: I have heard of the EARL OF MARCH ;
is there a DUKE or MAY or a VISCOUNT
APRIL? Furthermore, is he the EARL or
QUICK MARCH? Is he a slow MARCH ?
Does his skin resemble the 'ides of MARCH ?
Have there been any dead MARCHES? Is
the family related to the MARCHES of
Umbria? And is the present inheritor of
the distinguished name a Jeund Homme ?
Do answer me.-I am, yours ever,
A MEMBER OF THE BAR (SINISTER).
Lord's Criccet Ground.
FIVE POUNDS REWARD.
WE have received the following from an anonymous source. What
is the difference between PIP, the hero of MR. CHARLES DICKENS'S
Great Erpectations, and the EMPEROR Louis NAPOLEON ?
Why, when PIP drew up a statement of his affairs, he invariably
made a point of leaving a margin. Louis NAPOLEON, on the other
hand, with a candour that does him credit (and he may gather from
this, that his credit is not entirely gone), leaves nothing whatever to
imagine.
As the word, 'imagine" is italicised, we conclude that the joke,
whatever it is, culminates in that word. This is the only clue we can
give our readers as to our correspondent's meaning. We shall have
much pleasure in awarding to the author of a successful solution of
the mystery, a present of five pounds.
We have discovered the joke,-"a margin"-"imagine." Of
course! The reward is ours.
THE SEA SIDE.-A lady of our acquaintance (whose hairdresser
tells her she's rather thin at the top") informs us that the only use
she can see in a trip to a watering place is that you can divide your
hair at the side, and put your middle parting to grass while you are
there.
MEN OF A CERTAIN STAMP.-Post-office officials.
THOSE DREADFUL REPORTERS.
THE HON. P. P. BOUVERIE is reported to have said to the listening
farmers at the Agricultural Meeting at Faringdon that-" He was
not able to give them much information on the subject of farming,
for, though he farmed a little, he did it through a bailiff; but he
enjoyed the pleasure arising from it." The only thing that could have
prevented the Hon. M.P. from writing to the Times to correct this
mis-statement, must have been the fact that the error is so glaring.
Anybody can see that in transcribing his short-hand notes, the repor-
ter substituted pleasure" for "profit."
CHURCHYARD FLOWERS.-A poor girl has recently died from the
effects of arsenic inhaled by her while manufacturing green leaves for
wreaths of artificial flowers. We feel sure that the fair sex will
discourage the trade, not so much on account of this, as because the
leaves, after killing a work-girl or so, still retain poison enough to
cause eruptions and pimples on the skin of their wearers. After that
we know the ladies will set their faces against them, and never set
them against their faces.
UNIVERSITY INTELLIGENCE.-AS DR. HAWKINS, provost of Oriel
College, Oxford, is not only the ex-professor of ex-egetical theology,
but "small beer" at the same time, he is for the future to be called
DR. XX!
1 130
10
DECEMBER 14, 1861.]
F: TUN.
PAN AT THE PLAY.
Puritan's Daughfer, MR. BA.rTE's
new opera, is a very great
triumph, and deservedly so, for
it is not only very charmingly
S scored,-that, I believe, is a
phrase which will at once set me
up as a musical critic,-but has
the advantage of being wedded
k to a sensibly and frequently
Poetically written libretto. Oh!
shade of BUNN, with your "dan-
cing fountains" and "lofty
mountains," your hollow hearts
that wear a mask," and "your
smiling roses on a tomb," only
fancy a libretto so excellent in
every respect that its author is
._ positively called for with the com-
n_ ^ -K poser on the first night! This
is as it should be, and I trust
that composers will in future
avail themselves of the talents of recognized literary men when they
want a good foundation for their musical superstructure, and not trail
their charming melodies over a trellis-work bf trash. If not indelicate,
PAN begs to assure all inquiring musical friends that he is a poet,
though it has never yet been discovered by the public, and that his
terms, though enormous, are perfectly commensurate with the merits
of the article produced. The Editor objects to any further remarks
on the subject; but PAN too well knows the reason. When will there
be a perfect understanding amongst 'scribblers ? a feeling of pro-
fessional freemasonry, devoid of all petty jealousies, and-but stay, I
am keeping the Puritan's Daugkter waiting, and as the season is
somewhat inclement, and she is attired in a low dress of light
material, very charming, but decidedly, out of place, I will save my
slashing remarks for a personal interview. The morning papers have
told, in most instances, very lucidly, the plot of the opera, and so, as I
am a bad hand at doing the like, I will content myself and my readers
by stating that it is a very good one, sufficiently intricate to keep
alive the interest, but not complex enough to confuse. Miss LOUISA
PYNE is simply delightful in all she does and sings in the piece.
Were I to write a dozen columns I could say no more, and those who go
to hear her will say no less. Mn. SANTLEY appears in a new r6le-
PAN intends no pun-that of a lover. He is becoming a good actor;
as a singer he has few equals. MR. HARRISON plays Rochester in a
rollicking, effective, and withal gentlemanly manner, and sings a
quaint drinking song with immense applause. The overture, which
was encored on the first night, and accompaniments throughout are
sufficient to make any one with an ear (and PAN has two very long
ones) keep on the move during the three hours the opera lasts.
PAN has been to see the Rival Othellos at the Strand, and came away
with sides exceedingly sore. If ever an author had cause to thank the
actors, the author of this farce has. MESSRS. ROGERS and CLARKE
play two loose fishes, who adopt the names of BROOKE and FECHTER,
and keep up a running fire of tomfoolery to the utter destruction of
gravity and elaborate shirt-fronts. The affair is too slight to call for
criticism; it serves its purpose, which is simply to make the most
easily tickled audience in London roar without intermission for half-
an-hour.
Colleen Bawn everywhere, at ASTLEY'S on horseback, at the Mary-
lebone, at Drury Lane in comic rhymes capitally delivered by a
hastily collected company, who succeed in acting together capitally
-all over the country at our "principal theatres royal," and last,
though not least, MEssRS. BENEDICT, OXENFORD, and BOUCICAULT,
-a triple alliance,--are going to do a grand opera for Covent Garden,
in which Miss LOUISA PYNE is to be the unfortunate Ziley, and MR.
HARRISON the mirthful Miles.
PATENT AND COPTRIGHT.-It is no more than could be expected of
BARON BRAMWELL, that he should give it as his opinion that "men
have no property in anything they invent or write." His lordship has
never invented anything exce
pt legal opinions which are o o
INTERNATIONAL EXHIBITION OF 1862.
(i3Y ONE V.110 KNOWS All, AIll It.)
(ION lON i. nit exatwily tht 1ph'ce
S 1 t lor ou lt-dool;r x(, ''eisI'i Ne ll 1
"mudt lies t-ick in all the st ro' ts.
We have, tl:revore, nwth ple.
I- sure in statinll, ir f (Ihe aml l use-
Sidbsa,.e, manent and in 'stru tion o' our
Si readers, that, yesrdl was a
o j reniarklably fiple td ily, in spile
SI of lth rain, whieh hoaiiun to i1ll
St s1 slightly at, thur o'clock in the
o morning, fvnd cold inted to poliur
u in torrenlts till nt tuI tttor-pat
clove at, night, anld t1at, th
Works at South Klensingt o
have tconsesue iontly e o itdo grent
progress. Nothing further hIrs
GON E TO TH E been dnton wait respect to lth
two dtones, one of wlhic is
CAT TLE S HOE mean toeo several sizes lir.Ce,
tt 1than BRinN eItSIt'S, at Si.
Pe toers nrg, ile ll the o tllr is in-
tended to vio ill in gnileInue
with CARACALLA'S celebrated baths at Brighton. C.A it\IN l tl, Ki
A.B., is doubtless a very clever man in his \ay ; but, wie ques-
tion his precise fitness fbr'this kind of dome-estic n arcil eei nre'. I low-
ever, we shall probably see in time, and are resolved Inot to itm ilany
hastyjndgmenet,as theproofofthopudding isian thruntting,wlhicl min-ilu
us to speak of the refreshments. These are in everybody' inonti i l la
great many reports have reached us which we should be sorry indeed
to believe. Still it would be a neglect of duty ift e we ere not to likei
our readers fully informed. The olijcetion to baked potato cai at, t the
entrances of all the courts is, that they will be an intolerable inulisoiieo
on crowded days and this, we own, strikes s as rensonableh. At,
the same time we do not se why potatoes should be excluded,i ndl
pickled eels be allowed to wriggle into favour. Loin (iHtAonv.L:e's
personal feeling with regard to oystersis only too well known; ibt,
we take leave to remind his lordship that these bivalves are not, in
season all the year through, which is a fact tlhat iapenrs to have
escaped the observation of the commissioners. We haieo no oljet,
to serve in dwelling on such matters, except that of improving tIh
public mind. Having opened the oyster question, we c:antoll rtlitrain
from expressing a belief that the international character Iiof thd lExhi-
bition will not be compromised, should a prltelreieo Ito given to
natives. The weight of court influence, it seems hut n tioral to sus-
pect, will attach to Pimlico in the matter of pork pies. ()n tlis lead,
peuca verbal. We abstain from personait.ies, but it would bI, folly to
pretend that the whispered name of WnATLIiN has not reached u s.
Applications for space, from all couitrics of te l habiltble gllo,
are made in every language except that of moderation. Fraenc
demands forty-seven times as many square feot ts lhe CommiissHioers
are prepared to stand, and says that if she cannot have them all
square, she has no objection to take a few of them oblong. 1her
products, consisting chiefly of plaster of Paris and French rolls, with
illustrations of their relationship, are expected to make rather a sen-
sation among the bakers of the metropolis. The claims of other
countries are put upon a similar square footing.
CAPTAIN FOWKE, B.A., is as yet undecided whetlhr to have tho
front of the building painted lavender picked out with circular spots
of rod and black, or to leave it alone. We oflcr no opinion as to
'vhich will look best. The latter style has the advantage of simplicity,
and would also be the cheapest; but if CAPTAIN PFO\WK M.D., does
not know his own business, we cannot undertake to teach it him. JI
is certainly a source of surprise to us how Mi. IEItNSON's big clock
can have the face to occupy a considerable portion of theo middle com-
partment over the chief entrance; but this, again, is a question of
time, and there are wheels within wheels. As we said before,
CAPTAIN FOWKE, Q.C., is a man of unquestionable ability, buit though
lie may know very well what is anl exhibition building, it does not of
necessity follow that he should know what is o'clock. If any fresh
intelligence should reach us before this number goes to press, we will
keep it carefully for our next.
any one but the inventor, or written anything that would be worth
stealing.
A NEW SCHEME BY THE CHlANCELLORn o TIIE EXCiEQUER.- We NIGHT AS NINEPENCE.-It is very hard to sty why ltlat precise amn
understand that Mx. GLADSTONE has it in contemplation to propose a has always been assumed as the most acciratlo form of thli' lriti.is
new way of raising money in his next Budget. He meditates levying currency, unless the saying was industriously circulated by tli
a ground rent from all wearers of inordinate crinoline. opponents of decimal coinage.
F UN.
132
'I:-. \\ __ -
[DECEMBER 14, 1861.
A SAD CASE.
Scene-Breakfast Room, Coivtry House.
(Enter FWANK, who helps himself to a pheasant's thigh at side table, and takes his chair ioith doleful expression of countenance,
amid general exclamations of "Gracious, FRANK, what is the matter? Why do you look so melancholy .
Frank:-"MELANCHOLY, AW-I SHOULD WATAIER THINK SO-AW. WHY THAT ATWOCIOUS WET SKYE TEWIAW HAS PURSUED ME DOWN
STAIRS, AND WANTONLY JUMPED ALL OVER MY BOOTS AND-AW-LEATHAWS, AW-AND I SHALL NEVAW BE ABLE TO GET INTO ANOTHAW
PAIR IN TIME FOI THE MBET!"
THE HERBERT MEMORIAL.
MUCH e eloquence, and, what is more important, much money, have
been contributed within the last few weeks to a scheme for raising a
fitting monument to the memory of the late LORD HERBERT. If he,
whom MIssNIGHTINGALE, the soldier's friend-SANTA FILOMENA-called
" her dear chief," could express his wishes on the subject, we fancy he
would not ask the erection of a church or a state. While the papers
are filled with accounts of military murders, we wonder the movers of
the scheme do not see that the best memorial of LORD HERBERT they*
could devise would be the introduction of a new system into the army,
which, by raising the soldier above the level of the brutes, and placing
the officer a little lower than a demigod, would at once put a stop to
these assassinations, which are becoming the disgrace of our army.
When soldiers may be trusted to go out with belts and side-arms,
when rounds of ball cartridge may safely be placed in their hands,
when officers may be dressed in a little brief authority without playing
fantastic tricks with their fellow-men, and when military authorities
look on a private as something better than a machine to be kept going
at so much per day, then the system which introduces these reforms
would be the noblest and most fitting tribute that a sorrowing nation
could raise to the memory of a great and good man. And that system
might be termed the HERBERT organization.
WuY arc volunteers like old maids?-Because they are always
"cady, and never wanted.
VOLUNTEERING WITH A VENGEANCE.-The St. Pancras Volunteers
have been proceeding against several members for non-payment of
their subscriptions. Orders for payment of subscription and costs in
seven days were made with the ultimate delight of a distress warrant
in default of payment. This sort of voluntary contribution appears to
come into the category of things you are "not obliged to do-only
you must."
THE COMING SENSATION!
Year it goes round, round, round I"
The Proprietors of FPM, wishing to make a few-roar with laughing, and also to set the
BRITISH PUBLIC
grinning from year to year, beg to announce that they have entered into arrangements with the
most exalted personages of the day (including BLOaDIN) for the production, on the 10th, of
FUN ALMANACK FOR 1862,
comprising some
EDUCATIONAL MINUTES OF GREAT MOMENT,
(not second-hand information); an Essay on the Fore-quarters, by HIonD; Problems in
Draughts, by the GovERoa of the BAnK; Voice of the Stars, by a Lighterman, etc. The
Almanack will be of such a character that
MEMBERS OF THE GOVERNMENT
will be compelled to TAKE IT UP, and then find themselves totally unable to PUT IT DOWN.
The Month of March will be devoted to the Volunteer Movement. Full Notice of the
GREAT EXHIBITION,
which will OPEN in May and CLOSE to the Kensington Museum. Our Sporting Readers will
also be attended to, for our particularly fine cover will be drawn, without any chance of its being
a blank; and finally, the outside will give great promise, which any one may look uponas binding.
London: Printed and Published (for the Proprietors) by CHARLES WHYTE at the Office, 80, Fleet Street, E.C.-Saturday, December 14,1801.
DECEMBER 28, 1861.1
FU T:NT. 143
jr-1n.-\i\ t\i.;c u V \IV \I VUW rjV\Y nviv aUaM Cy
Here is an instance of disinterested kindness of heart. WOBBLES
and BOGGLES justrecollect that it's old TODDLES' birthday, and they're
determined to be the first to wish him many happy returns of the
day. It is 3 A.MJ., so they're sure to be the first.-[How much-obliged
old TODDLEs will be to them for their thoughtfulness!]
SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.
DEER'OOT,-I beg your pardon, I mean Dear FUN,-but really my
brain is running on this intelligent Indian to such an extent that I do
not know whether I am on my head or my heels. The great event
in the life of this distinguished member of the Savage Club came off
some little time since' at the university town of Cambridge, in the
presence of the PRINCE OF WALES and a numerous company of talent,
rank, and fashion. On a certain course, called Fenner's ground, this
wondrous human race was to take place, every place being, of course,
taken beforehand. When I arrived there was a great crush, and I
observed several members of the press in the crowd. The seats in
the grand stand were a mere matter of form, as, though they were all
marked 1, 2, 3, etc., yet there was scarcely room for the numbers
who thronged the ground. I obtained an excellent place, or rather it
would have been an excellent place, had it not been for a lofty
individual in front of me, who, though he stood six foot four in his
stockings, was a low sort of fellow after all; as, when I remonstrated
with him upon his keeping on his hat, remarking that a man of his
standing ought to be above such conduct, he used such coarse language
as would be unfit even for the turf. I found out afterwards that, like
myself, he was "on a papor;" all I then knew was that he was in
my way. Well, by the time our altercation was finished (an affair of
a few minutes, which I am glad to say did not end sanguinarily in
two seconds), the Seneca Indian and his opponents appeared.
DEERFOOT was presented to the PRINCE in a neat speech made
by the MAYOR (who was, however, a little hoarse), and a "pony"
was laid on the event by his RoYvAL HIGHNESs. The Indian, though
lie runs like lightning, is not at all a flashy sort of man in appearance.
At the moment of starting (here the tall man before me in his excite-
ment trod on my too and made me start) the signal was given, and
away went the Indian and his rivals. How they ran! and how my eyes
ran after that painful affair just mentioned! DEERFOOT, in child-like
simplicity, started witl his hoop (so 1 was told by the man i front, but
I could not see it myself): my informant also stated tiIh thle Iulianl used
his legs very Well in his oppon't's lap-- proceeding hliichl I tliiev
must have caused the lattci gentleman a great deal of' nniovaiiice. (f
course DEEIFOOTr beat the other men without doing any iiiuijv to
himself. After this triumph theI noble savage was received with open
arns by the university heads, who invited him to dine iin lhei hall of
Trinity College, where all the undergraduates ruhlied to get, a good
stare at him as he ascended tlhe steps.
At dinner lhe entered into a long argument, with the respccled
Master of Trinity, D)l. W til E:I., to wlim liet scientihicallv proved, by
waving his tomahawk round and round his liend, (lint there were
"more whirls than one." The learned doctor lthn leld the converin-
tion to classics: her ndi spoke the ian soke delight fl' SI N. \'s P1
.Aiiiihii Tratquitate (on thie Rest of the Sole), the periusal of which
treatise, lie said, gave him his first secure grounds tor a start in lifi'.
After quitting the table, and entering the eoiiinon room of tlh
college, the amiable HiDsKIN still ran on (according ito Iis cusionii) in
the sani agreeable manner, and sat down late in te' evening (t piny a
game of double duinby within l. WiHEwIL, while thl' either (ldoIls ont
of compliment to their guest Isat down to an Indian rubber. Townrdil
the snialler hours 31u. DIEEuOOTr oll'red to senap the inilsof tei
college, but being overconie by wine was removed by the porter. I
forgot to say llhat on tili dtly of the raeo the band of tlhe ('nilbriilge
University Volunteers attend d (so it is not true as is stiald iln le.
papers that, DuEEitioot ran willio, t a strain), and there were pIleity of
riflemni on the grouiin, which fact accounts, perllaps, for lhe loss io
my purse and pocket-book.- I remain, dear 'FUN, yiil-r ever,
The PaIitihr, R, niiiiied;', 1 'indiyer. ItrxN I .
THE THREE MHISN OR'I'TUNES O1' T'IlEl 0'.ll EN.
Thrice health tlhe luslice crieId." Irish Mrloiy.
Ocu, sure, it's linrrruld-1so seo thl lharrrud-
For to discarrtud a fortin' foine-
And yer carrackther of binifacthor,
Loike any actor, for to resoign- -
Poor SMTrri O'ITiRON !
Furrst--wlin y'ar spoutin'-'miid cabbaiilge sproutin'-
To foind y'ar out in the P'athlriol's loine :
Nixt -whin yer ardent r'ibillion's parriid,l,
(Thim Saxons harrden'd won't lot ye shIinI)-
IPoor SMI' n'I'I 0'll innx !
And tlinurrd- to lanky oiild lMISTiET YAXiM'I:,
SWidlout a tlianky, ye itlihrop) 11 loine,
And ain't, it, froiglid' l that, yer deloighitfuil
Advoicc-of fight full-he slidl d(clo'ine ?
Poor %Mi II ()'I!S]l I
FURTIIER INTEIJGENCE.
WE are happy to be in a position to give fuller inltrnaiiition, than
has yet publicly transpiredl, to those of oure readers vwho I\hv seen
the following iannoullcementll in our contemporaries :-" Tih A inricnn
ship, Silas Green u'od, C lATAIN VWi'iBIIt, for New Yorik, wnIs stiliIIIil
f.roim ailing front the W\est India locks by t li Ciistoins aitilhlrilt i's,
owing to her having on board about one hundred toir s of lied." We
are glad to say that, after a closer ex:aiiiniion ofl (li c(nrgo, the
vessel was allowed to proceed, as it was discovered lthat h1:,e lead wa s
not in a position to be cast into bullets,-being alrdivIly ,Iu'.rown inio
type in the slhape of "Answers to Essnys and litviews," firms on(
the Season, Society, and tihe Critics, and threle-volunie II oveils. In i,
word, tih mention of lead was irony, and w1lt was sutipoe.d ito bi
that prohibited export vwas merely a consignment of what is lerinied
"light literature."
CnNSCiENCE. MONE.Y.-The Chancellor of our own ExcheiIquer Ibegs
to acknowledge the receipt of the half of a C.500 note i, being tlu,
value of a joke abstracted from Fi:N.
IIGIIHE AND HltuE.-Wly is a shilling a dny which a labourer
receives like a cockney's anger ?-Because it is his 'ire.
LITERARY NOTICE.-New publication of NiggCr Melodies in
" Bones' Standard Library."
Wiu is love like an Irish poplin ?-Because it is throo parts stfie'.
VOL. I. Q
FUN.
*- -ic.-1III,
---- ---_ _
TOO BAD-.
Litthle lp :-I sAY, Mn. MANrTIION, ARE YOU A COMPARISON? BECAUSE LOTTY SAID
THAT YOUl WERE SO ODIOUS, AND IT SAYS IN MY COPY-BOOK THAT COMPARISONS ARE
DECEMBERR 28, 18G1.
YANKEE DOODLE.
Si LATEST VERSION.
S YANKEE DOODLE'S in a row,
And wants to thrash his brother,
AnLd fight they would, but don't know
how,
The one can lick the otber.
SYankee Doodle fears to go
To meet the southern rebel,
For ever since Bul's Run, you know,
He swears he is the Debble.
Yankee Doodle, etc.
Yankee Doodle.is the cove-
] Wot could lick .all creation,
And now he is afraid to move
An inch beyond the station.
S Yankee. Doodle calculates,
He'd like it much therather,
To leave the:bold Confederates,
And pitch into his father.
Yankee Doodle, etc.
Yankee Doodle thinks that dad
Might come perhaps to drill him,
And cuff his ears, but not so bad
As altogether kill him..
Yankee Doodle stopped the Trent
To see who all were in it:
But by and by he will repent,
AAnd say he didn't mean it.
S Yankee Doodle, etc.
S Yankee Doodle doesn't fight,
Although he's fond of boasting,
But long before the States unite,
SHe'll get a jolly roasting.
.. Yankee Doodle's in a row,
And cannot get out handy,
-'^^T\ "I wish I was in Britain now,"
S Says Yankee Doodle dandy.
-_--- Yankee Doodle, etc.
-SAYINGS OF OUR SAGE IN THE
STREETS.-nllnocence often assumes
the appearance of guilt. I have seen
a highly respectable and virtuous,
but short-sighted lady, hail the
YESTERDAY police-van by mistake for the Isling-
ODIOs. ton 'bus.
CROSS-QUESTIONING AND CROOKED ANSWERS.
[Mi. Bailur has favoured us with tile following report of a trial at
Dublin, as proof of the correctness of his views touching the absurdity
of grammar and its formulas.]
SCENE.-The Assize Court, Civil Side.
His TIonxor: going to sleep furtively, but roused at intervals by his
tickling his nose with his own pen. An action is proceeding, in
which O'llrATllER, Q.C., is trying to elicit an illicit keg of whisky,
supposed to have passed between DAN and Pi'iE.ii .
O'BLAT'HER.-DANIEr, BURII, will you have the goodness to state to
the gentlemen of the jury what occurred ?
DAN) (addressing the top of the judie's head visible over his deslc).-
Well, thin, it's jest so, av ye plaze. When I corned to the ihir I meets
wi' Pl'nim:ui (that's him as is there in the family pew wi' the gontle-
man as has a cast in his eye and a flower in his button-hole), and
soz I, "Pn I~ .ii," s'z I, "how is we going to do about thim pigs? "
soz I. So he sez lie couldn't take the pigs back noways, but he
wasn't after minidin' a keg of potlieen--
0' B E. -Stop! stop I want you to repeat his conversation
in the exact words in which it happened.
DAN.-D)ivvle a word else! Is it tellin' a lie I'd be ? "PHELIIM,
sez I, how about the pigs?" and he sod he couldn't take---
O'BLATHER.-No! no He didn't say he wouldn't take-
D.\x.-Axin' yer pard'n thin, MIR. COUNSELLOR, that's jist what ihe
did say, and niver a one but him.
OBLATIIEn.-But he spoke to you in the first person.
DAN.-Sure now, an' wasn't I the first person as spoke, an' sez I,
"how about the pigs ?" And didn't he say he couldn't--
O'BLATHEI.-Now attend to me He couldn't address you in the
third person.
DAN.--Thrue for you! Divvle a third person was there to spake.
O'BLATHIER.-Have the goodness not t6 interrupt me, but listen
attentively to what I say. PIIELIM O'RAFFERTY did not say to you
that he couldn't take the pigs back ?
DAN.-Thin that's jest what he did say, Mit. COUNSELLOeR.
JUDGE (ickieng suddenly).-Silence! Witness, listen to what the
learned gentleman says to you.
O'BLATHEsR.-DANIEL BURKE, did not PHELIM O'RATFERTY say to
you, I will not"-
DAN.-Och, counsellor dear, it's talking' about different things we
are. I niver heard him mintion yer name. And sure if there was
anlthin' said about the pigs when a third person was present, and 1
wasn't the first to spake, and if yer honour's name was mentioned,
wly then it's meeself that wasn't there at all ava,-and it's two
things we talking' of, counsellor darlin'.
JI DGE (suddenly awlakenle to a sense of the gravity of his position.
by the absurdity of O'BLAT ER'S).-I think the witness had better
stand down, MR. O'BLATHER, ell?
O'BLATIHE.-Oh, certainly, my Lud, if you Ludship--
(Exit DAN precipitatsly.)
DECEMBER 28, 1861.]
VF UTN.
PAN AT THE PLAY,
UR new American importation,
MRs. F. B. CoNw vy, reported
to be a sister of Muis. BOWElRs,
the heroine of the Peep o' Day,
has made a most successful debit
at Sadler's Wells in the late SIn
T. N. TALFouRn's tragedy of Ion.
j This lady is slender, tall, and
graceful; her features are ex-
pressive, and the tones of her
voice are musical and sym-
pathetic. MR. PurmLs is to be
congratulated on the acquisition
of so talented an artiste. Every
one should go and hear MR.
JoHN PARRY sing his Vicissitudes
of a Colleen BDow). The per-
formance is unique, and the
unseemly roars of laughter into
which his aristocratic audience are betrayed at his ludicrous parry-dy,
are pleasant proofs that true humour will always make its mark, even
when unaccompanied by aught extravagant or obtrusive. MR.
PARRY will illustrate an absurd pun or verbal twisting with the most
exquisitely ludicrous combination of notes on his pianoforte, or assist
some ridiculous rhyme with an accompaniment so amusingly
suggestive that one laughs immoderately without exactly knowing
what one is laughing at. It is this genuine hutonur-(for though
MR. PAnRY's pianoforte playing is very admirable, that accomplish-
ment has, I think, conduced but infinitesimally towards his success)-
which has kept him above all rivals, and now, after seven years'
retirement he is droller-ay, and more attractive-than ever. Two
new farces, the one at the Adelphi the other at the Olympic, both
funny and successful.
A NOTE OF INTERROGATION.
SoR,-Yer attention is requested to a r-r-riddle. Ye must know,
Sor, I've put the comether on BIDDY SULLIVAN. Well, thin, I ax ye,
why is my heart like burnt paper ? Give it up directly, ye thief of
the world, or be the pow'rs-- Ye do give it up ?-Bekase'tis tinder.
Yers obadiently,
County Axfort. THE O'CoNNuN DEiur.
THE LATE CATTLE SHOW.
WE have been requested to rectify the omissions made by our
various contemporaries in their lists of the animals shown in Baker-
street. Although not mentioned by the organs of the press, we can
assure our readers that Mn. SMrIT O'BRIEN (who, it will be remem-
bered, was once connected with an exhibition of cabbages) exhibited
some Irish bulls, remarkable for size and solidity. We may also
mention that some fine specimens of the Hocl7s were sent by MEssRs.
CORK, SCREW, and DE CANTA, the well-known wine-merchants.
WE KNOW A MAN tY sIs FRIENDS.-The American papers are
rather proud of a paragraph to the effect that a life convict in the
Ohio Penitentiary has subscribed fifty dollars to the national loan."
It must be a creditable cause that finds such respectable supporters.
Schoolmaster (to slow pupil) :-Now, MASTER JONES, turn to Virgil's
3Eneid, book i., and give an elegant construction of "Die age."-
Sloee Pupil (aptly):-" Come along, RICHARD." (Is immediately
expellecl.)
CHURCH RATIOCINATION.-When the churchwardens seize for church-
rates, why is a clock invariably the first thing they take ?-Is it that,
in aiming a blow at Dissent, they may prevent it from striking
again ?
ANSWER TO A, LiTTLE DUCK.-There was such a bird as the
" Dodo," but we never heard of the Don't-don't!"
WhAT's the difference between LORD WESTMINSTER and a tent?-
One is a marquis and the other's a marquee.
RIDDLE BY OUR WELSH RABBIT.-Who was the Welsh god of
Roman mythology ?-AP-OLLO.
FINSBUIRY ELECTION.-Why is Cox unlike a prizefighter ?-Becauso
he objects to MILLs.
THE BATTLE OF BAHAMA CHANNEL.
SLIGHTLY ALTERED FRloll C.A Irt.EI.I, BlY A (v'I:RY) AMERICAN O1 '.
OF FAIniFAX nud of WIL.KEs,
Sing the glorious day's rinown,
When our gallant Iman-of-war
On the BritislIer b're down,
And proudly flew our stripes ind our .i:ars!
A bold determined hand,
We had sailed from Yanker lind,
And we'd got a jolly brand
Of cigars.
Expectorating mu1ch
We wero w waiting for our prey;
And we whittled all the while,
For wo love to cut away,
As wo showed you at the little of Iul'sll Itu ;
Till tlho Trcni appeared in view,
And Wii .KES summoneoid all our crew,
And to stop iher as she flow,
Fired a gun.
Our San .Tacinto seemed
A leviathan allott,
And the litLlo TretD1 no nmore
Than ai Chelsea pemny Hoat:
It was just half-past eleven of tih' norin,
Amid Yankee oaths and vows
Flies the shot across her bows--
But the Britishl captain shows
Only scorn!
Again! Again! Again!
There's a hissing of the shell!
And the Britisher opines
That to stop would be as well,
And our boats across the sea swiftly go!
Show your list," bold FAFllAX c'rits,
"And produce your south hern spies."
But CAPTAIN Moitm replies
Merely No! "
Outspako the Southerns thin,
We are safl neathh Britain's flag "
But the daring FAIRFAX seR,
"Corns and thunder Cus the rig !
MAsoN, SLin)Ea,, yo are botll Sly-dolegates,
Jest move your lazy feet ;
Come aboard us, loide de suite,
And make sunbmission meet
To the States! "
SnIErLL's daughter barred the door;
But for women what care we F
With our bayonets we puslhd
At that cai.awaiipotu she,
And our nerves was uniffecteld ly her cry !
Well we knowed what we wero at,
We must have them,-tthat was flat;
And politeness, what is that ?
All my eye.
With our vallcrable prize
To our vessel we row back;
Quick A British nman-of-war
May be soon upon our track,
And it's only silly gals as we don't fear.
Long the story shall be told
How the Itraitors and their gold
Was look by WILKES, that bold
Buccaneer!
Now, joy, Columbia, raise !
For tih tidings of o' d(Iced
Shall bo told whcre sherry cobfl
Unto juleps swift succced;-
And yet at times with ltrror we may quake;
For al awkward thing wouldd be,
Bully boys, for you and me,
If the Lion of thelSea
Should awake I
____
F IN_.
[DECEMBER 2K1, 1 61.
id
OBIIT. DECEMBER XIV. MDCCCLXI-
CLOSE, solemn year, thy mournful page!
In thy last days do we entrust
To earth a gentle PRINCE and just,
The crown and honour of his age.
Ennobling Science loved him well:
And Art with Industry combined
To pay glad homago to the mind
Which taught them jointly to excel.
A jealous People's love he gained,
Which, had he moro-or less-controlled,
Had deemed him over hot, or cold;
But he the Golden Moan attained !
What bloodless victories did he teach!-
His was the noble brain which planned
The friendly strife twixtt land and land,
That drew them nearer each to each.
But grander praise is yet his due!
With goodness graced he GOD's good earth,
A PRINCE of more than princely worth,
A Parent just-a Partner true!
All England mourns his swift decay.-
With sorrowing heart and moistening eye,
The Jester lays his bauble by,
And gives his human tears their way.
BEFORE AND AFTER DINNER.
BEFORE.
(Present, the U;ndined and Servant.)
THE U'NDINED.-Gono out, eli? Well, no matter. I think I did
say I should dine in the city. Well, I'll wait till your mistress
returns. (Exit sercvat.) Very annoying, though. My own fault.
What on earth shallI do ? (Looking through windoto.) How precious
cold it is Nice price coals will be. Poor-rates increased, too.
Bless me, how my head aches. Its that infernal canary. Ah!
there's another organ. I don't think I'm well. I wish DR. FENWICK
would drop in. I think I'm rheumatic. (Sits down.) Now that
simple woman of mine has gone shopping. She must retrench.
Smalldr house. How damp this newspaper is. (Reads.)' Ah!
another bank gone! What wretched coals these are, and I'm perish-
ing. Why there's nothing in the paper but this American matter.
Hla! serve 'em both right. Let 'em battle it out. What misery I'm
in. Nervous as a hare. Full of ailments. Well, I'm getting old.
I shall go to bed. (P'us hands ir his pockets and looks in the fire.)
(Enter MRS. UNDINED.)
MaI. UNDINED.-M-y dear love! Why, you told me you dined
away to-day. I've had such a delightful walk. What lovely
weather!
MR. UNDINE.-Oh, don't bother me. I'm ill. Very ill.
MRs. UNDINED.-My dear! How absurd! You want your dinner.
Mind, the opera to-night.
MR. UNDINED-Opera be hanged. You'll ruin me. Shopping and
plays. Cabs, too. Fevers. Colds. Perhaps break down. (Grants.)
(Diinnr served up.)
THE DINED.-Ah! fine bracing weather, this. Improves the
appetite so. Very seasonable, very seasonable. Now, my love, don't
forget the coal merchant and draper for poor old SAwDusT and his
family. lie's a deserving fellow, and shan't want. Pretty Dick!
That warbling canary always reminds me of JENNY LIND. Ah by
the way, you've been to the box-office, of course. DR. FENWICK
joins us, you know. What a mad wag that is for a doctor. Always
telling me to take care ; and the scamp knows I've the constitution
of a lion. What! send the organ away. Nonsense, let the poor
fellow get a living. We have plenty and prosperity. Live and let
live, say I.
AFTER.
THE DINED.-A sin, positively, to drink this wine. Really, I've a
notion of bricking up the cellar, and leaving the last few dozens to
posterity. What a find! Bottled rubies. No, my love, there's
no harm in wine. Look at the benevolence, the sentiment, the
warm charity, the wild enthusiasm, the friendship, the brotherly
love, the-er. Ah! if all the good feelings sent glowing to the
heart and brain from the wine cup were indellibly grafted in
our nature, we should be much happier. In fact, we should-er.
Why, bless me, there's DR. FENWICK. I shall take coffee, and dress
for the opera.
HOW RUSSIA STANDS IN POLAND.
THE prefect of the police, at Warsaw (so says the Ddbats), has
given the following written permission to a Polish gentleman:-
"I authorize the bearer of the present card, Ml. --, to carry a
cane, even with an iron ferule at the end; and this on account of his
advanced age and the weakness of his legs.-(Signed) PILSUDSKT."
The Russian in Poland having lately taken to the use of the cane, and
the ferule of iron, is it not fair to argue that he is rather weak on his
legs there, and finds the ago too advanced for him to trample on
Polish liberty as easily as he used ?
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
THE ladies are promised this season two new styles of mantle, under
the sounding titles of, respectively, the Blencathara and Glaramara.
As the inventors of these articles of dress appear to set great store by
a name,.we would suggest that the dark fur mantles now in vogue
should be called Jarnara the Black." To be sure the name is that
of one of the imps belonging to a witch who was burned by MATTHEW
IOPKINS ; but it will be none the less suitable on that account for an
article that is likely to play the douce" with husbands' pockets.
A SAD BLow !-An American paper reports that the other day a
young cornet player through over exertion blew his brains out.
Nix,-We often hear of the Nick of Time;-might not Milton's chief
fallen angel be termed the Nick of Eternity ?
WHY are "pistolgrams" taken of babies ?-Because they represent
children in arms.
NEW SCENT FOR LAWYERs.-Essence of contract:-Con-sent.
THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION.-The new Educational Minute
DOCTORS' CosMoNs.-A pill and draught.
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